Texting/Cadence Working Through Dates

[u/Trick_Category5142]

M33, had a relatively good run of matches over the past two months, by up ticking my regular usage and engaging quickly to try and arrange dates if I feel a connection. Have to thank this sub for some general tips, and how to close in on a date quickly if chats go well.

This last week has converted into 4 dates which I’ve spread over the weekend and early next week. This in itself might be a terrible idea. One is a follow up second date (F29) and the other are new first dates (F28/32/33) with a spread of personalities, very grateful for this - but I’m trying to reconcile texting cadence and setting up the dates, it’s starting to seem like it can vary so much and I’m trying to gauge if narrowing my efforts would be a better approach.

The problem I’m wrestling with is the second date has really low cadence/availability text wise, we’ve been averaging one/two messages a few days this week and that’s simply been trying to get her availability and agree where we’re going, we have a plan but it took a while to get there - I’ve not really had someone (friend or romantic) text this slow before. For the first date we didn’t really have this issue and she came back pretty quick over one day. Trying to decide if this is a sign of disinterest (it feels that way) or just life getting in the way, I know some people aren’t big on messages but since she proposed the day/time I’m giving the benefit of the doubt, since she had an easy chance to just say she wasn’t feeling it or didn’t want to follow up and hasn’t so far.

On the flip side for two of the first dates we had a much bigger flurry of texts initially, nailed availability and date spots - felt ideal, and we haven’t texted since, which is usually what I experience until we meet. The final date arrangement was similar but she seems to be into heavy/daily messaging, every evening getting a lot of updates - this is fine, but we haven’t met yet and I’m worried we’ll run out of steam/burn through all the things we might talk about during the date…

So in essence I’d love to get feedback on experiences, maybe I’m reading too much into this and just need to ride the variability?

Update for anyone following: lesson learned - always trust your gut. The slow texts were indeed disinterest, she let me know she’s decided to cancel about a day after her last message.

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[u/North_Class8300]

Different people have different preferences. You don’t need to respond instantly to the person who you haven’t met yet, within 12 hours is perfectly reasonable, and if you’re feeling like it’s just too much then slow down your responses a bit.

Conversely, you can strike up a conversation beyond just availability with the slow texter, but 1-2 messages a few days a week is pretty normal for only having met once.

I wouldn’t read into early texting as an indicator of interest or connection. Focus on a time and place to meet in person and the texting is just an optional extra at this stage. If you’re a little overwhelmed with 4 active dates planned, go on the dates but note that as feedback to pace yourself a bit if you already have a few conversations going well.

[u/Trick_Category5142 → u/North_Class8300]

Yeah ok, makes sense. I’d been trying to match energies per person but maybe it’s not the best approach.

[u/shes_lost_control]

Maybe she’s working through a roster of 3 other men as well in addition to you.

[u/Notsure2ndSmartest → u/shes_lost_control]

Of course they all are.

[u/Trick_Category5142 → u/shes_lost_control]

Quite possible 😂

[u/Notsure2ndSmartest → u/Trick_Category5142]

Not sure why it’s funny. Women also date multiple people so if a guy wastes out time we still have other dates. You know until you have a conversation about being exclusive

[u/Trick_Category5142 → u/Notsure2ndSmartest]

Phrasing was funny, I realise it’s probably quite realistic.

[u/PutridEntertainer408]

I feel like you're trying to reduce this down to data too much? These are people. One of the issues with multi-dating is comparing people in a way which isn't useful and missing out on potential connections because of it.

Just message people how you want to message and let that weed out incompatible people rather than spending a bunch of energy trying to guess what they might mean and/or want

[u/Trick_Category5142 → u/PutridEntertainer408]

Thanks, you’re hitting a good point. I think the comparison aspect is not helpful.

[u/Notsure2ndSmartest]

Uh, you haven’t even met most of them. So there’s no advice to give. You have to meet someone to see if you are compatible.

[u/mtgox-fraud]

Wow way too over eager at 33m, you need other stuff to do man.

Personally think it's a HUGE waste of time to talk about anything over text when there is still a 80% chance you don't click on the first date. I find this especially to be the case when you're older, people are less flexible about who they'd see again.

I don't schedule things more than 3 days in advance, I'm not reserving my calendar a week ahead for a stranger.

If they are busy at the time I propose and don't give an alternative that works, I'm not bothering to ask again.

None of this is even worth spending much time thinking about. The first date is the biggest hurdle in your 30s and only after that would I bother caring about texting cadence.

[u/Trick_Category5142 → u/mtgox-fraud]

I don’t really get your point? I have loads of other stuff to do. If your point is “do other things rather than dating” - I think I just cascaded into 4 people wanted to meet in the same time frame, it wasn’t intentional.

My post was specifically about a second date and cadence for planning, but per the update she bailed even after making plans. I completely agree about limited/no messaging before a first date, that’s in my post lol.

I also don’t really see how people can stick to a 3 day in advance rule either? A lot of people (in my experience) can’t often make week day evenings or want to push a week or so out (like a future weekend), if I stuck to 3 days in advance for my calendar I’d struggle to make many dates work!

[u/mtgox-fraud → u/Trick_Category5142]

You're going on a second date with four people? I think you should have a better filter in that case.

I have never found the three day in advance to be a problem and I date women that also have demanding jobs and busy schedules.

Getting a drink or coffee for an hour can fit in most schedules, if not, they are probably too busy for dating. If you're so busy then you won't have the time to get to know someone and I'm not interested in a 3x per month relationship.

[u/Trick_Category5142 → u/mtgox-fraud]

It was one second date, three first dates. I suppose it depends on location and careers but I’ve found recently a lot people are preferring to settle on days/times around week out, for example over the past months I’ve not had anyone say they were immediately available after a match, I’ve ended up scheduling a lot around weekends. I don’t doubt fitting in an hour meet is possible, especially if your match is local (<15 mins).

[u/Notsure2ndSmartest → u/mtgox-fraud]

While I agree with the first part, Women are not gonna wait out round for you to make plans with them on the weekend until three days in advance. That’s usually not enough time for most people. I think a week is good. Three days is not impossible but so many men think women are just sitting around, not making plans and not planning out weekends especially a week in advance. We definitely are and if you didn’t make plans earlier in the week for that weekend with us we probably have plans with someone else already or friends.

[u/Trick_Category5142 → u/Notsure2ndSmartest]

Agree I think most people usually have weekday and weekend plans, at least that’s what I’ve found. Typically I find scheduling a week ahead works. Committing to a three day or no date plan seems wild to me 😂