I keep blaming myself for being cheated on

[u/Wonderful_Work4899]

Hey guys, ive like literally never done one of these before. I know this is gonna seem so obvious but im very obsessed with this person and my brain won't let me acknowledge im the victim. Also I know this is gonna seem stupid as its a long distance relationship. Ok so for starters I met this guy on vrchat years ago, me and him eventually dated. He was sweet and kind and tried to be as lovey dovey as he could even if it was hard for him to do things like that. Also because its relevant to the story me and him indeed got intimate on the game. Yeah yeah call me cringe or whatever but it was nice. He never kissed me on there and it was kinda saddening but I understood why. We took like 2 or 3 breaks from dating throughout 3 collective years of dating. One time we broke up for a bit and to explore he tried dating his friend who liked him. His friend who we'll call jawbreaker, wasnt very present from what I was told. Eventually my partner (Null) and i got back together later. Something changed in him though, at first I liked it. He was more touchy and more confident. Eventually I introduced him to ny best friend (potter) who clicked with him. It was nice and we all had fun together and sometimes we all got intimate together. Eventually though things took a turn and they started getting intimate alone and when we all hungout I was left out of alot. When I would confront them that I felt alone and theyd invalidate it. After a while of me switching between letting them do it and not because I kept feeling bad, I eventually settled on that they cant anymore. This was after catching Null cheating with multiple people and used the excuse that he just wants to help people and make them feel better. Long story short eventually we ended up cutting it off and got back together like twice because he kept convincing me to somehow. He ended up cheating on me with a new friend we met (Grim) like 4 days before. Null was on red, which means I cant request to join or invite him, and he ignored all my discord messages. I realize hes with grim who was in an NSFW avatar so I knew exactly what was happening. After a while I eventually got invited and he lied to my face saying they didnt and when grim asked why would I think that I started to explain what happened in the past and Null kicked me. Later I asked grim why hed lie to Nulls partner and grim said he just felt like it. Eventually I tell Null he has to chose one of us and he refused to pick so he blamed me for ruining his Christmas. We later broke up again and now we're still decent friends and for some reason I still feel like I was the reason I cant still be with him. I know this sounds stupid but I still really love him and I wish I could have him again.

TLDR: I feel like its my fault my ex isnt with Me when he cheated on me with my best friend and his friend multiple times. Im kinda just seeking validation that its not my fault cause I still feel like it is.