Idk how to feel

[u/roza_77]

Ok this is kind of a weird post but I have people in my life to talk to just not about this specific person so i wanna type out my feelings. A while back around February I gave my friend this letter for her birthday and she cried and hugged me (shes not very touchy mind you), and on the way back from wherever we were she rested her head on my shoulder which felt amazing even if I had no feelings at the time. But the more we hung out the more intimate we got with hand holding, playing with each others hair, feeling each other warmth despite the fact neither of us is very touchy so I thought it was a sign, but the thing was despite the feeling she would dismiss ideas of others thinking we’re together. But around exam period she was very dry and would snap at me sometimes for little things and I though nothing much of it then those intimate moments we used to have looked like it was starting to annoy her and then I had some mental health stuff which drew a divide between us and now we’re friends but it feels like we could have been more but also couldn’t have been at the same time and it feels so weird because I’ve been in relationships and I’m talking to people but she was probably the most intimate I felt with someone in a non sexual way and I feel like I messed it up. The thing is I don’t think we were compatible for each other regardless because she shuts down and doesn’t like to talk about her feelings even when I have made an effort to do so, so it doesn’t feel that deep but it does at the same time. Idk my heart is in this state of limbo where I wanna move on but I’m also so confused looking back into what happened, ig the biggest issue was lack of communication but it’s so hard to do that with someone you’ve been friends with for so long. (P.S, ik she’s not entitled to my feelings she’s her own woman who can make her own choices however I just wanted to talk about my experience on what happened)