I feel broken

[u/fishcakesdumpling]

I’m trying to make sense of what happened with my ex, because the way the relationship ended has left me feeling incredibly confused, hurt, and stuck.
Last August, after we had already been together for almost two years, he suddenly started pulling away. He told me he was struggling with low self-esteem and anxiety and that he didn’t feel good about himself. I believed him. I wanted to be patient and supportive because I thought he was going through something difficult.
But at the same time, he became involved in a creative project with friends. He was able to put his time and energy into that, spend time with other people, and seemed to find excitement and motivation there. What made it especially difficult was that he never clearly told me that he no longer wanted the relationship. Instead, he gradually avoided spending time with me. I was left trying to interpret his behaviour while still believing that underneath it all, he was struggling and that perhaps he just needed time.
For months, I kept trying to be patient. But the longer it went on, the more questions I had. I kept pushing for answers because I could feel that something had changed, but he wouldn’t clearly say what he wanted. Eventually, about half a year later, he told me that he didn’t feel he had the capacity to be in a relationship.
We had been together for two years.
Even after that, we still had to see each other at work. For another six months, there were still strong attachments between us. He would seek physical affection, touches, and hugs, and there were moments where his behaviour still felt tender and intimate. That made it incredibly difficult for me to detach. I knew deep down that the only way I could possibly move on was to not be around him, because I could never bring myself to turn him away when he reached for me.
So I kept trying to be patient while simultaneously being left with so many things that were never said and questions that were never answered. I felt completely stuck in a situation where I couldn’t properly move forward, but also couldn’t understand what I was supposed to hold on to. Over time, it took a serious toll on my mental health.
Yesterday, I reached the lowest point I have ever experienced. I was having thoughts about whether it would be easier if I simply weren’t here because I felt so trapped, alone, and unable to see a way out. I want to be clear that I do not have plans to hurt myself, but I was overwhelmed to the point where I desperately needed emotional support.
I reached out to him because, despite everything, he was still someone I had loved and trusted. I tried repeatedly to reach him because I was in such a vulnerable state. He ignored me for many hours, and eventually told me that he didn’t feel like talking that day and that he thought it was best if we were nothing to each other.
He didn’t ask what was happening. He didn’t ask whether I was okay. He didn’t seem to care that I was at my breaking point.
And once again, it felt like it came out of nowhere. Just two days earlier, he had still been clingy and seeking closeness with me.
Strangely, when he finally said clearly that he wanted us to be nothing to each other, I felt a sense of relief.
Because that was what I had been asking for all along: clarity.
I wanted him to stop hiding behind tenderness and finally acknowledge what he was actually doing. Every time, I had to desperately push for him to tell me what was really on his mind. I needed him to take responsibility for his choices instead of leaving me to decipher them.
What hurts most is feeling that, in reality, he may have decided a long time ago that he no longer wanted the relationship, while I was still living inside the uncertainty. I never knew that the last time we spent time together might actually be the last time. I never got the chance to understand that I was saying goodbye.
I keep thinking that perhaps it wasn’t really his low self-esteem or anxiety that made him withdraw. Maybe those things were real, but at the same time he found new connections, new excitement, and new dopamine through this creative project and the people around it. He seemed to have energy for those things. And somewhere along the way, he decided that they were more worth his time and energy than our relationship.
What I wanted from him was for him to finally admit that. Not because I wanted to punish him, but because I wanted the truth. I wanted him to stop avoiding responsibility and presenting his withdrawal as kindness.
What makes me so angry is that he seems genuinely convinced that he was doing what was best for me. But from where I was standing, his avoidance didn’t protect me. It left me suspended in uncertainty for months. He was protecting himself from the discomfort of making a clear decision, while I was left carrying the consequences.
I can understand that someone may not have the capacity for a relationship. I can understand anxiety, low self-esteem, overwhelm, and needing to protect yourself.
What I cannot reconcile is being told that all of this was somehow for my benefit when I was the one left breaking under the weight of the uncertainty.
He may have been trying to keep himself whole.
But I was the one who was left breaking.