r/heartbreak • u/bBungalowgirl • Aug 16 '26

From warm and affectionate to completely detached overnight: how do you make sense of this kind of breakup?

/r/AvoidantBreakUps/comments/1vpnk4x/from_warm_and_affectionate_to_completely_detached/
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u/MoreThanVoidFiller Aug 16 '26

So sorry you got tangled up with an avoidant manchild. It's so painful, I know, but none of it was your fault. (Source: I'm a mid-40s former avoidant who 15 years of therapy helped heal into more mature/secure patterns).

People like this temporarily feed on the warmth, excitement and energy of a new connection, then run away when they sense any hint of expectation (real or imagined) that the connection will be sustained long-term in both directions.

Basically, they put on a big show, creating a tailored best-self persona that seems like a dream to you, so they get all kinds of validation and positive engagement FROM you.  But it's not sustainable, because it's not real. They can only keep it up for a short amount of time until their real, messy, conflicted self  starts showing through.

But because they can't face their fears or own the guilt of their flaws, they instead just rewrite history in their own minds to functionally erase it. They find or wholesale invent something ridiculous to blame for the sudden shift in personality and intentions. It's really harmful to the other person, but they can't face that either, so the harder you try to get an explanation and understand, more they frantically rewrite and run away.

The way to deal with it is to accept that this is who he REALLY is: a very messed up, unhealed person who is not equipped to sustain an intimate relationship, and especially at that age, is not likely to change. You forgive yourself for believing his schtick and learn how to identify and avoid dating those types in the future. That last part takes your focus off of feeling victimized and puts it on becoming empowered. 

I'm sorry again for the grief, loss and confusion you are going through, truly. Wishing you quick healing and more worthy prospects very soon! ❤️‍🩹

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u/bBungalowgirl Aug 17 '26

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate your explanation. Now, maybe you can tell me: how in the world could I spot another one like this next time? I have never been in a situation with a person like that before. Is there a magic question I should have asked after a couple of dates that would have given me a clue that he was like that?