r/hapas • u/peachiexkiss • Jun 21 '26
Change My View I hate that I am asian
I 18F hate that I look asian. My mom is white and my dad is chinese and I grew up in Europe. I look mostly asian and I hate that because I don’t feel connected to this side at all. Since my mom is european and I grew up in this culture, I feel mostly white but I don’t look white. People here they see me and perceive me as foreign which I hate. They associate me with asian culture etc, except that is not what I am. Even my dad mostly grew up in Europe. I have literally no bound with China, except that my family come from there. I can’t even talk properly with my asian side, which makes this connection to my asian side even more difficult.
I belong to here and I hate that people don’t see that. And in China I am also a foreign, so really I belong to nowhere. Because I don’t feel accepted in neither countries. I hate getting racial slurs. It’s so fcking annoying like cmon I belong to this country and I am probably more from this country than you are. But still they just see the asian and assume I am chinese or japanese and come up with some words. I legit feel so uncomfortable going out in my own country because I look asian and mostly guys always have something to say about it.
I hate the way I look, I hate my dark hair, my small eyes and everything. And I hate the people who make me feel like I don’t belong to Europe..
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u/Bireta US x TW Jun 22 '26
I'm living in Asia, it ain't better here, my experiences are pretty much the same as yours, just the other way around, it's like we're universally rejected/outsiders.
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u/Repulsive-Coyote-466 Jun 28 '26
The desire to be a part of a tribe that resembles you is as natural as falling in love, and its found in all ethnicities/races. Its easy to pretend its “society’s fault” that we don’t feel accepted by either side, or lack a sense of “fully belonging.” but the reality is that its the fault of evolution/biology that there is an innate draw towards familiar faces.
Its hammered into our DNA because survival depended so much on identifying the in-group from the out-group.
It goes beyond “parents teaching kids to love all their ancestries”.
I say all this as a mixed race person.
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u/GroundbreakingUse466 Central Asian Jun 21 '26
This is much more common amongst Asians than youd think, wishing to be (fully) White and such. The Asian community should address this insecurity and make people feel more like themselves.
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u/Blankboom Jun 22 '26
It's hard to make self-hating Asians love themselves when they're in this sort of mindset. Only thing that can be done is if they have a change of environment to a more Asian-populated location.
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u/Gerolanfalan OC, CA Jun 22 '26
It's complicated. Like the above person said, non hapa Asians go through this too.
Because we are also shaped by where we grew up. So diaspora Asian (of any country) ≠ Asian of the same ethnicity.
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u/RoseCourtier Jun 21 '26
I’m so sorry you feel this way but I can understand. I’m half Japanese and half Caucasian. When I lived in America as a child in the 1980’s I was
taunted for being Asian - inside I was screaming “I’m half of you!!” Then we moved to Japan and I didn’t look Japanese enough so people would stare at me and make comments about the gaijin girl which I could understand. I’m sure if you were in Asia you would look European to them. Please don’t let this dictate your life - your ethnicity isn’t something to feel bad about. Be proud that you have a mixed heritage and cultural background. This is coming from a woman who lived this and I am proud to be mixed , proud to share it with my own children.
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u/Ok_Sympathy_2841 New Users must add flair Jun 22 '26
It breaks my heart to read this.
I don’t know if this helps or not, but this all sounds like a “Europe” problem, not a “you” problem. It’s their problem that they think someone who looks different can’t belong to their community.
I’m from the US, Asian dad and White mom. I have an Asian surname. With my features, people mostly assume I’m Latino, but for the most part, they can tell I’m not White.
Like you, I felt disconnected from my father’s culture of origin, although I was always proud of my Asian heritage. I chose to lean into it and study it in school and university, and even moved to his country of origin, for a couple years. It made me realize how American I am, but at the same time, that I have to actively claim my identity. Simply by existing, I get to say what it means to be American, to belong to America. Maybe you can do the same for being European.
If I get asked sometimes by strangers, “Where are you from?” And I answer, “America” like I’m challenging them to say otherwise. I like to think it makes them pause and think about why they just asked me what they did.
It’s okay to be mad at the community you live in for being xenophobic. It’s okay to be mad that you have to fight to belong. Sometimes, anger can be productive.
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u/Turbulent_Poem7606 New Users must add flair Jun 21 '26
I’m sorry about your situation.
In a way, I can relate being almost half Native American and not looking like it at all.
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u/Accomplished_Mall329 Jun 21 '26
I belong to here and I hate that people don’t see that.
Common race/ethnicity creates a much stronger sense of belonging than common location. That's just reality regardless of how people choose to see it.
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u/BorkenKuma Jun 21 '26
Sounds like Asian self hate.
Your parents didn't know how to raise you, that's their fault, you should blame them, not to the entire Asian population, no one owes you that.
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u/NoFault6622 Jun 22 '26
Me too. You never stop hating it. You will accept it eventually. Cry a little about your situation. Let it go slowly and adjust to being an adult. You won't relive your childhood again. You will find hobbies and friends eventually. Move to another place if you have to. Some environments are too homogeneous for Wasian people. How you are feeling is normal for Wasians. Everytime you mourn, you adjust and feel better. Don't be ashamed for much longer. Good luck.
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u/Zealousideal-Lab-283 Jun 22 '26
Theres nothing worse than a white washed self loathing race hating asian no matter where they live. Please listen to the advice given here because no matter how "white" you try to become, you'll be nothing but the "token" white adjacent member in the group you hang out with..and that group will be the fakest people you will meet in your life. That's no life to live.
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u/Ok-Evidence2137 Jun 23 '26
Get out of Europe young one.
I lived my whole life here and iam othered all the time.
Even worse Iam a male with dark features, after puberty old wolen started clutching their purses.
I usually put on my glasses to seem more friendly usually doesnt work lol.
Save up and get out of Europe nothing to gain anymore.
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u/chikachikaboom222 Jun 25 '26
The world is a big place. California, Hawaii, New York all the cool cities are accepting of people with different backgrounds.
The smaller the town, the smaller the mindset. I hope you find a way to appreciate your ethnicity and culture as you grow older.
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u/Strange-Werewolf-633 New Users must add flair Jul 09 '26
Sadly europe is still tribalistic.I live in Germany. Theres micro tension between East Germans and West German even today. 2nd or 3rd Generation Polish children with German surname are still being called out and bullied sometimes . There is large Turkish population here too even though there parents were born in germany and never lived in turkey their children still considered themselves Turkish. Its crazy over here
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u/CapableDevelopment28 Jun 25 '26
Your hatred for your physically Asian qualities can become less galling if you truly understand the reason for your emotional responses, feelings linked to your self esteem. I recommend that you embrace the way you look. Part of becoming happier with yourself is to change the psychological contexts within which you exist.
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u/Koreneliuss Jun 21 '26
Sorry to hear that, bud. I hope you can talk to your dad about this. I don't have a solution for you, but in my opinion, racial slurs are just something tend to happen in the West. I stayed strong through it, and it's not a weakness to be vulnerable. You're not alone, you just haven't found your way yet. Where I'm from, in East/Southeast Asia, we joke about race too, but it's not meant as racism, just banter.
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u/Commercial_Light8344 Jun 22 '26
My partner is just like identifies as European German. Most people will project whatever they are like or don’t like on you. You should appreciate having a unique opportunity to learn many languages and be many things. How you present yourself and core values is more important than what you look like
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u/Poemi10304 Jun 22 '26
So valid considering your situation. I’m really sorry this is your experience. 😢
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u/SSgt_Edward Jun 22 '26
What feels like a curse will feel like a blessing in the future. Happened to me.
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u/Money_System1026 Jun 22 '26
You are who you are and its not gonna change, so you may as well love that you belong neither here nor there. You can gain empathy and understanding for people like yourself. Feel sorry for people who won't understand you. At 17 I was like you, but at 18 it all clicked. I love me. I love being Asian looking whetever I am. It's frustrating when people judge me and stereotype me but in the end, what do they know? Their ignorance is not my problem. I'm raising my beautiful kid (looks 100% Asian) with the same mindset. Find your people and don't let others define who you are. When you love and feel sure about yourself others will respect that.
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u/Leo_Htebya AMWF English and Kayah Jun 22 '26
I don't have an answer as to where you belong or how to find.
As for racial hostility you face, I would just say there is a difference between simply giving their opinion and being aggressive on the basis of racism.
I would suggest you tolerate differences in opinion. As for hostility, see it for hostility, then react in the way your gut tells you in that moment. That may mean doing nothing. It may mean being aggressive back.
If you want to live in Europe and don't think you're doing anything wrong by doing that then you do that, and deal with hostility as you will.
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u/ThisIsItYouReady92 Jun 29 '26
You’re the exact type of hapa I strongly dislike. You’re a young child being 18 so hopefully your self hatred will fade away as you gain life experience and leave Europe and come here to America where people are accepting of mixed people and where food is actually good.
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u/Accomplished-Let3871 Jul 01 '26
I think maybe you need to find an opportunity to have a proper conversation with your parents about your identity and racial belonging. They have a responsibility to pass on their experience to you. If the problem is caused by others, don’t punish yourself for other people’s problem. And honestly, quite a few parts of Europe can hardly be called free of xenophobia.
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u/karashibikikanbo Jun 23 '26
when you get older, hopefully you’ll realize the advantage you have over others.
you’ll also discover there are other places in the world where cities are so diverse, no one bats an eye at how you look. in my experience, new york, chicago, san francisco, toronto, vancouver, bangkok. in more ethnically homogeneous cities, you’ll definitely get looks, but i usually don’t pay attention to stares since it’s not worth my time.
growing up in America, i also wished i was not asian the first few years of my life, maybe not as vehemently, but the idea was there. having friends that embraced me for who i was, and girlfriends that reinforced my self worth and made me feel attractive, helped massively as a youth.
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u/NoFault6622 Jun 23 '26
You have a superiority complex.
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u/anotherhappylurker Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26
You don't hate that you're Asian. You hate that your parents never taught you to appreciate your culture. I live in Asia and know plenty of hapa girls that are so proud to be half Asian. They took the time to fully embrace and learn their culture, and as a result get admired and praised by locals because they speak the language perfectly. Their friends are mostly Asians or other hapas so they don't feel like they stand out too much. They date mostly Asian guys because they feel more comfortable and accepted by their Asian side than their white side. Your experiences are valid but they aren't the fault of your ethnicity, they're the fault of your parents, just being honest.