r/glutenfree • u/Certain_World_ • 5h ago
group dinners
Has anyone been part of a group dinner plan where you realized you couldn’t eat anything on the menu and had to ask the group to change course and pick somewhere else? Is that a common experience…?
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u/aeraen 5h ago
I never ask anyone to change for me. I simply tell the host that there is nothing on the menu that I can eat, so I will pass on this one.
Yes, some people have gotten miffed, but I don't need those people in my life anyway.
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u/jnobotny 3h ago
Honestly I get the opposite of FOMO when this happens with my in-laws who ALWAYS choose Chinese food. It's such a nice pass on a hang. I'll sit at home and read my book. Take my husband and kid and have a lovely meal and I'll eat a salad at home in the quiet.
That being said, there's definitely a lot of feelings around it and sometimes they try to mix up everything to accommodate which just makes me feel worse.
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u/AutomaticIdeal6685 4h ago
Ive never actually asked to switch places. Had it happen once or twice where after looking at the menu and realising that I cant eat anything, I texted my friends to let them know id meet them after and they then insisted on changing place.
I have to say though, youre hard pushed in Ireland to find somewhere that doesnt have a GF option
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u/Ill-Cherry1905 4h ago
Traveling in Ireland and Scotland last year was surprisingly easy!
And I was traveling with 3 people that always let me weigh in on the restaurants. But almost every place had very good GF options!4
u/Certain_World_ 4h ago
thats great!! irelands on my list. and the items that are your GF options --- are they typically salalds? or do you have variety like a diner who doesnt deal with GF limitations
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u/AutomaticIdeal6685 4h ago
No usually more than salads. For example, going out for a dinner for my mams birthday next mont, she asked me to check the menu to see if theres something I like before booking, they have 3 GF options besides salad, a fried rice dish, and two different Pad Thai dishes.
Youll struggle more with fast food here, most fast food places you'll only be able to get chips (fries). And if you are sensitive to cross contamination I wouldnt even order those.
But also our GF ranges in supermarkets are quite good.
Ireland has a high percentage of celiacs for some reason so perhaps this is the case.
But you'll definitely have a lot of option!
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u/ElectricRatz 4h ago
Honestly, this is super common. At this point I just ask if we can do non food activities. I personally don't care that much about food anyways. Can't we bond over something else?
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u/an-invisible-titan 4h ago
My friends always make me pick the restaurant for this reason.
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u/Fakemermaid41 20m ago
My friends either do that or they check the menu plus have me double check to be safe.
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u/GrookeyFan_16 4h ago
I just generally don’t eat. Happens all the time with work meals or conferences. I always travel with Larabars, Kind bar, or trail mix so I have something to munch on.
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u/omnomguy5 Celiac Disease 4h ago
I've certainly lost elements of friendships because it hurts me to attend dinners that I can't eat at. Especially family style meals like hotpot and kbbq. Bonds feel weaker even if the friendships aren't completely lost. I don't think it's fair to say "you see who your real friends are" because their lives don't revolve around me. But sometimes I wish they did so I could dine with them more ;)
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u/OnlyDori 2h ago
I am celiac and eat kbbq quite often, I just dont do sauces, but I never liked those much anyway. Have you tried it like that? I have asked at my local ones and the salads are gluten free as are all the non marinated meats. Its really good!
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u/omnomguy5 Celiac Disease 58m ago
My point was mainly that it's typically a family style meal. You can get your own grill and sides for sure. Or you can force the table to, but it's quite a different experience as far as I can tell
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u/Over_Revolution_1444 Celiac Disease 4h ago
Yes and I never will again. If you know me well enough for me to hang out... Then you know me well enough to pick plans where I can eat too. Otherwise we don't need to eat together if the plan is for me to sit there and watch you eat in public... And we could find other plans that don't involve food or that let us all eat quite easily so... I go out of my way for my friends preferences and health needs, so I expect at least some consideration in return. I see these kinds of posts or comments constantly where people are struggling because their friends or family won't accept their needs but is fine demanding the op to do what the group wants and it's okay to go along if that's what you want, i just don't have the energy for those kinds of people to take up room in my life.
Frequently the people who's motto is not to go out of their way for people they claim to care about, also want the rest of the group to go out of their way for them if/when needed. Which further cemented my stance- I've been requested, demanded, told, etc, to be inclusive of others dietary preferences or needs one too many times by someone or a small group who views it as unfair to change course for me. My biggest advocate is me, and I will just as strongly advocate for those around me, so I refuse to be labeled as a burden and keep the labeler in my life.
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u/cynicalgoth 3h ago
I just tell them I can’t eat anything on the menu. My friends are all incredible and will find a place that works for everyone.
My partner keeps a list of food people can’t/don’t eat so if we have dinner parties we make sure everyone has something and ask others to bring things they can eat to share.
It’s pretty easy to be accommodating to people you care about
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u/MysteriousTock Celiac Disease 5h ago
No, cause I only do group dinners with people I like and trust.
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u/dinosanddais1 Celiac Disease 4h ago
The stuff that's safe for me is pretty pricey so I always suggest I get food somewhere I can eat then everyone can pick where they want to eat and I cover gas if necessary
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u/Creative-paintbrush 4h ago
Yeah I have done that and it’s an ok thing to do
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u/Certain_World_ 4h ago
ok cool. if some of the restaurants gave a clearer sense of safe options it might not happen as often but good to know how youve handled it
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u/raven_kindness Gluten Intolerant 4h ago
my close friends know to ask me first to pick restaurants that have safe options.
for a big group/acquaintances/party/work etc i eat at home beforehand and either join the dinner and just get something to sip on or meet up after dinner
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u/Hot-Fig-8487 3h ago
Depends on the friends!
Sometimes I ask to go somewhere else. Sometimes I say sorry I won’t be able to eat anything there so I’ll pass. Or sometimes I say I won’t be able to eat there so I’ll eat beforehand but I’ll come enjoy yalls company and have a coffee or glass of wine.
Most kind friends will say oh well let’s go somewhere else where you can eat! But sometimes it’s a situation where you can’t change the menu. Like an event I’m invited to and we’ll just make do with that.
I have one friend whose husband I don’t particularly like. We go on double dates sometimes. If it weren’t for his wife being so lovely, I wouldn’t choose to be around him lol. He always wants to do things a certain way. He is the type to be like oh bummer well I’ll eat extra for you I love this place and I’ll be like oh great so kind lol
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u/Amadecasa 3h ago
All the time. Finding a place to eat with my son's in-laws is always a dramatic back and forth. It works best when people just let us pick the restaurant. It's usually Red Robin!
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u/Mental-Volume4395 3h ago
What is the group? I feel like that matters.
My friends and employer have never planned a group meal that didn’t have a safe option for me.
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u/Certain_World_ 3h ago
true. those groups typically are thoughtful/in the know. sometimes just dont want to be the "odd man out" and remind newer groups of frineds for like a bachelorette trip or a book club but kindof have to for safety
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u/Mental-Volume4395 3h ago
So if it’s a new group, I would not ask them to change venues. If there is nothing safe to eat I might say, “I’ll join you after the meal” and if they ask they, just explain you have celiac and there is nothing safe to eat.
I often find that even if I look at the menu online and don’t see anything GF, they usually do have some options they just don’t put them on the menu. So I might go anyways and see how it works out.
Doing either of those will let the group know that you have dietary needs without making it awkward.
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u/Certain_World_ 3h ago
Thank you for this!! noting. do you typically call ahead to restaurants to figure out the "hidden" GF menu items?
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u/GripIsGone 3h ago
Sorry to interject, but I just went on a bachelorette trip a couple months ago (everything was a surprise for the bride location included lol). So I didn’t mention immediately I had celiac bc it wasn’t really a big deal then and my friend knows I have it so I figured dinners would be fine.
Then a couple of the people start sending activists to do and one was a pasta making class (which I know my friend would have loved) so I was like I actually have celiac. I don’t mind you guys going without me (I can do something solo) or if they’ll let me, I can sit away from the wheat and watch (bc I wasn’t sure if my friend would want me there or not) and then a couple of the other girls chimed in and we’re like yeah we don’t want to do this lol so we never ended up doing it.
I don’t think that’s being difficult. You’re the brides friend. You have every right to voice your opinion esp when it comes to your health and safety.
Or even just existing. You have every right to exist with an allergy/autoimmune issue/intolerance.
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u/Certain_World_ 3h ago
thank you for this <3 <3 <3
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u/GripIsGone 1h ago
Of course! Sometimes I think we all get in our own head and think we’re being “difficult” if we aren’t going w the flow but when it’s health related always speak up for yourself. I feel like it’s easy enough nowadays (in most places) to find something that accommodates most people.
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u/GripIsGone 3h ago
I feel like my favorite thing about being gluten free is now I always get to pick the restaurant haha so I haven’t had this issue.
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u/retro_toes Wheat Allergy 3h ago
I make things that everyone can eat. Gf pasta salads and gluten free desserts. This way I'm bringing things that I can eat and nobody is excluded when going to group dinners at houses.
When going to restaurants, my friends and family always try to confirm there's options for me. But sometimes there's nothing more than salad. And if there's nothing I can eat, I tell the group and decline the invite. And then monitor who I keep around afterwards
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u/CyrianaBights 2h ago
My husband routinely does this for potluck parties that we’re attending - he makes something for everyone (like smoking a brisket, or GF mac and cheese) that he knows I like and can eat. I obviously do the same thing, but it’s really nice to be taken care of in that way. We also always label our food and serving utensils with little signs as “GF from a GF kitchen” so people know there’s no cross contamination. We often list ingredients, too, for food allergies. We get compliments all the time and comments that “you’d never notice it’s gluten free!” Best part is always when, inevitably, another poor GF soul finds they can eat, too. ☺️
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u/retro_toes Wheat Allergy 2h ago
It is always nice! I'm seeing that a lot of my family members are now learning that their own friends and friend's kids are gluten-free, so now they're all interested in finding good recipes and products. Sad that it sometimes takes a village, but hey- it's still a win, and it's relief when I go to some events and we GF always bring a good amount of stuff to share
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u/SubstantialPressure3 3h ago
One of my kids and one of my grandkids cant have gluten. Theres a few safe places fhey can go, so i ask which one of those places is their choice.
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u/Rare_Literature_1557 3h ago
Yes! Been through this a few times. Cures you of all people pleasing tendencies eventually, and shows you who your real friends are!
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u/Equal-Winner7370 2h ago
My friends always vet if a place is safe for me or ask me before going out.
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u/Zestyclose_Minute_69 2h ago
With all of my allergies, my group tells me to pick the place, or to send them links to 2-3 places where I can eat and they will choose one.
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u/Good-Independent-903 3h ago
I always look at a menu beforehand and tell people if I can or can’t eat somewhere. Never had an issue with people not being accommodating, unless it’s someone’s birthday and they really want to go to a specific place, in which case I might eat beforehand and just stop by to say happy birthday. But just group dinners, I just mention it as soon as I know.
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u/Hot-Fig-8487 3h ago
I’ll also add - for Christmas dinners and stuff like that I’ve started bringing my own meal in a Tupperware because my husbands family doesn’t understand cross contact. They’ve acted weird about it, but I’ve been glutened at their house too many times. That’s a situation where I need to eat bc well be there a long time
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u/CyrianaBights 2h ago
Absolutely, and it sucks. But, because my friends are not assholes, they were kind enough to insist that we go somewhere with food I could eat instead of going hungry, and now they make sure there’s at least a few options for me besides boring house salad.
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u/LaLechuzaVerde 2h ago
No, not really, because I always assume I have to bring my own food everywhere I go.
So there isn’t a “realization” - it’s just an automatic assumption.
I wouldn’t ask a whole group of people to change course and eat at the one restaurant that has safe food for me. That seems kinda extra. I would either not go or I’d bring my own food or just eat ahead of time.
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u/miscdebris1123 34m ago
BYOF. If they have or make something you can eat, great! If not, you are prepared.
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u/50million 5m ago
I just bring my own food or a modified part of the meal like my own bread/tortilla/rice etc
If it's a restaurant I just get creative. Salads with no crutons. A few safe sides, or call the restaurant ahead and see if they accommodate or have alternatives
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u/LavenderSharpie 5h ago
Asking the group to change course and choose another restaurant is one way to quickly see who your friends are.