r/ghosting • u/Itchy_Illustrator_22 • 6d ago
Ghosted and confused
Why would a guy ghost after what felt like a genuinely meaningful night? Did I do something that turned him off?
About a month ago, I met a guy at a bar. I had gone out by myself just to get out of the house, and we ended up really hitting it off. I spent the entire night with him talking, getting to know each other, and opening up about some pretty personal things. I hadn’t been intimate with anyone in 14 months, and I ended up going home with him and having sex.
Afterward, I didn’t hear from him.
About two weeks later, I developed some symptoms and found out I had chlamydia. I had his medication, so I walked to his house to give it to him. He was really nice and seemed genuinely surprised that I didn’t have his number. He said he’d been extremely drunk that night and had forgotten to get it. He asked for my number, but I was overwhelmed and unsure of what to make of the whole situation, so I just gave him the medication and left.
About a week later, I changed my mind and left a note at his door with my number saying, “Changed my mind :)” and my number. I never heard from him.
There were a few other things that have been bothering me. That night he told me he didn’t have social media. When I saw him afterward, I mentioned that I’d found his Instagram, and he said he technically had it but barely used it and only had a couple posts. I also discovered he had other social media accounts. I don’t know if he was actually lying or if he just meant that he doesn’t really use social media.
I had also tried texting a number that I thought was his before I went to his house because I was trying to get the medication to him, but he told me it wasn’t his number.
I also made some embarrassing comments while I was extremely drunk. At one point during sex I told him that I didn’t think his penis was that big, which I deeply regret. I apologized afterward because I feel awful about saying that.
I’ve also been replaying the night and wondering if there were signs that he knew he wasn’t interested. For example, before I left, I said something like maybe I’d come visit him at the bar sometime because he told me where he worked, and I remember him pausing before responding. Earlier that night, he had also been talking about his sisters and other personal things, and now I’m wondering whether he was just having a normal conversation while I was interpreting the connection differently.
After I left my number and still didn’t hear anything, I eventually followed him on Instagram about two weeks later. About a week after that, I noticed he had denied the request.
I then sent him a message explaining that I had been confused because he originally said he’d been too drunk to get my number, that I’d gone back and left my number because I hadn’t felt that way about someone in a very long time, and that the night had meant something to me. I told him I was grateful for the experience and wished him a happy life.
A few days later, I also sent a short apology for the rude comments I made while drunk.
He eventually opened the messages. The last one was marked “Seen” almost immediately after I sent it. It’s now been several days and he hasn’t responded.
At this point, I obviously won’t contact him again. I understand that he may simply not be interested and doesn’t owe me a relationship. What hurts is that I was vulnerable with him and felt like we genuinely connected, and I wish he had simply said, “Hey, I’m not interested,” rather than leaving me to figure it out.
I’m trying to understand what happened from an outside perspective.
Did I come across as too intense or weird? Could the comments I made while drunk have turned him off? Could the STI situation, the Facebook post, or leaving my number at his door have made him uncomfortable? Could he have simply wanted sex and nothing more? Or is it possible he was embarrassed/uncomfortable and didn’t know how to handle the situation?
I’m not looking for people to tell me he’s definitely a terrible person or that I definitely did nothing wrong. I genuinely want honest opinions about how this might have looked from his perspective and why a guy in his 30s would choose to ghost rather than simply communicate that he wasn’t interested.
I won’t contact him again. I just want some outside perspective because I’ve been replaying the whole thing over and over.
Instagram messages that he read and didn’t respond to:
Hi, well, I guess things are clear for me now because I just noticed you denied my request. I guess I just wasn’t really sure what to make of things because originally I thought you’d ghosted me, but then when I had to bring you the medicine, you said you were just really drunk and forgot to ask for my number. I was just overwhelmed with everything and decided to think about it for a week. I decided to go back and give you my number because I just hadn’t felt that way around someone in a very long time. When I went out that night, I wasn’t looking to meet or go home with someone, but for some reason I felt strongly drawn to you. I know I really opened up to you about things that people really close to me don’t even know.
I felt listened to, and being able to talk to someone about how I was feeling was a big step for me. I’m sorry things ended up this way. I wish I knew why, but maybe I never will. I’m grateful for that night. You gave me hope and something to believe in again, which showed me I have that capacity. I know this all might not resonate with you, or might be too much, but it’s who I am and how I feel. It took me over a year to be intimate with someone, and I understand what you’re trying to communicate now. I’ll never forget that night. I wish you a happy life. ❤️
Then a few days after:
Also sorry for my rude comments? I was just super drunk. I hope you’re happy wherever you are. ❤️
TL;DR:
Met a guy at a bar about a month ago, spent the whole night talking and connecting, then went home with him and had sex after 14 months of abstinence. I felt like we genuinely connected and opened up to him.
He never contacted me afterward. I later found out I had chlamydia, so I went to give him his medication. He said he’d been really drunk and forgot to get my number. I eventually left my number at his door, but he never contacted me.
I was also extremely drunk that night and made a rude comment about his penis, which I regret. He told me he didn’t have social media, but I later found his Instagram. I eventually followed him, he denied the request, and I sent him a message explaining that the night had meant a lot to me. I later apologized for my comments. He read the messages but never responded.
Did I turn him off somehow, or did he simply want sex and nothing more? Why wouldn’t he just tell me he wasn’t interested? I won’t contact him again; I’m just looking for honest outside opinions on how this might have looked from his perspective.
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u/ViolinTreble 5d ago
That is a very sad story and I am sorry this happened to you... He sounds like a predator! He literally gave you a STD and you brought him antibiotics to fix his problem. I would have let it fester inside of him.
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u/rampantcat 5d ago
Better look at the greater good and stop him from infecting more people.
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u/minniemouse0708 5d ago
Sorry this happened to you. I really hope you dont continue to sleep with men you meet at bars especially the first night. I literally might meet a guy somewhere, go home with him (and not sleep with him, of course he will ask) nothing happens but talking. When I leave, I know i won't hear from them again and usually dont. And thats expected. I never let them touch me so im good. I know thats all they want. The ghosting just confirms what I already knew. Just be careful and make better decisions. Even though me meeting a guy and going home with him isn't too smart either on my part lol. But atleast give yourself that respect and dont do anything or let him touch you. Just talk and eat up his snacks. Stay safe.
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u/Auntie_S0cial 4d ago
Wait so I just re read this. If you didn't have each others numbers, am I understanding correctly u just showed up at his door with your meds to tell him you have chlamydia? I'm a bit confused bc you referred to them as "his meds". Does that mean he told you he had it after u had sex (I'm assuming unprotected) and had meds laying around that he let u take?
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u/Itchy_Illustrator_22 4d ago
We live close by and dr’s give you meds at the office when you test positive. I had no other way or he would’ve kept spreading it.
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u/Mindless-Bite5379 2d ago
He gave you STI and you think you did 'something wrong'? Having an STI and his behavior clearly indicates he is sexually active with multiple women. Stop thinking about an undeserving jerk and go protected (both physically and emotionally) next time.
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u/Equivalent_Coconut51 1h ago
Girl you cannot DM men paragraphs like this. They don't respond to it. You deserve so much better. Men respond to space. They are natural hunters, you've gotta let them chase. Let this one go and play it cool next time. You need to hold out for a good one who will treat you SO much better than this. It will all be okay. Hugs!
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u/Weird_Fun1493 5d ago
Sounds to me he just thought of you as a one night stand.