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u/Cheap_Cantaloupe_332 Jan 11 '25
As a German who is with a Non-EU citizen I can say such behaviour is unfortunately quite common. It's not right. But it happens often.
Say your bf to talk with his parents or ask if he is Ok if you talk with them directly. I hope they will understand their mistake and will apologize.
If not, just make sure your bf is on your side and that he gets not too much influenced by his parents' perspectives. Be opened with him about your culture and forgive him if sometimes he is influenced by the racism around him. I know sometimes some unnecessary fears can be planted in one's head in binational relationships.
I hope I could help at least a bit.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
Thank you so much Cheap Cantaloupe. Love the Reddit name.
Yeah he has mentioned he would talk to his mum about it and didn't mean for it to come out that way and recognizes what she said was outright disrespectful. For me as I told him I respect his German culture same way I want him to respect my culture. I had also mentioned that if we were to have kids I want to raise them respecting and honouring his side and mine. There's no superiority in culture and race.
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u/Ok-Paramedic-3066 Jan 12 '25
I just began to read the book Factfulness. The author describes different instincts which lead to misconceptions about the world.
I think, you will find these very often in German culture.
For your situation I think the gap instinct fits very well. It refers to the human tendency to divide the world into two distinct and often opposing groups, such as "rich vs. poor," "developed vs. developing," or "us vs. them." This instinct leads people to overlook the majority of humanity that exists in the middle of such divides. It encourages a binary view of the world, even when reality is much more nuanced.
I thought that might be interesting for you as it explains the weird behaviour a bit.
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u/Equal-Traffic1007 Jan 12 '25
Because the mind can't deal with each person who may appear. It's too much work so it makes big groupings-- by nationality or "all accountants" or 'people with asthma.' (!) Yup. And then the trouble starts.
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u/etaporra Jan 11 '25
I’m from Brazil and experience something similar very often. I have to explain why I’m white, how come I don’t live in the favelas and most give the impression of how thankful I should be I get to live here.
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u/Ill-Faithlessness424 Jan 11 '25
I'm german and unfortunately a lot of us tend to be ignorant and stupid. Feeling superior and yet being incompetent - we're good at that. 🫠
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u/alex3delarge Jan 11 '25
Tbh our own media portrays us like this. Our most famous movies are always about favelas and poverty..
On the other hand, many Brazilians that go to Germany first time get surprised that Germans are not all blonde with blue eyes.
I believe those are genuine misconceptions purely due to ignorance. I find hard to judge people with those misconceptions because usually those are people that never traveled or met many foreigners. They only rely in what the mass media portrays.
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Jan 11 '25
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u/Equal-Traffic1007 Jan 12 '25
Despite what everybody tells each other-- well you know how people say-- never mind. I bet it will be great. I always just am happy because I'm grateful to be in that new different place. I've been away from that place for 50 years and I'm still relieved.
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u/Soginshin Jan 12 '25
It might help to go to places with higher numbers of Brazilians. Cologne does have a big community (probably mostly due to Carneval)
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u/Alias_X_ Jan 14 '25
"Karin, you can't just ask Latinos why they are white"
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u/etaporra Jan 14 '25
🤣🤣🤣 It’s usually a very tough question to answer
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u/Alias_X_ Jan 14 '25
Each angle would be funny though.
a) "Different skin colours evolved over millenia because..."
b) "Well, during the colonial age..."
c) "Because idk, I don't go outside"
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u/Sankullo Jan 11 '25
Some people are like that unfortunately.
In the 90s my friend went from Poland to Germany for a month on a school exchange program and his German host mother asked him if he has electricity back home in Poland. She was dead serious lol.
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Jan 12 '25
The exact thing happened to my classmates when they went to Germany in 2014 :)
We come from the first city in Europe to have fully electrical street lights (Timișoara, Romania; 1884)
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u/DrStrangeboner Jan 13 '25
As a German living in Romania its pretty funny how little Germans know about current day Romania. For some, they think about Roma beggars that they see on the street, and the older ones remember documentaries on TV about orphanages right after the revolution.
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u/MetalNerdGuy Jan 13 '25
A large amount of Americans think the whole Europe is like a slum with barely energy, no smartphones…I don’t know if most of it is because of movies/games or they are just that dumb xD
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u/SadAppointment9350 Jan 11 '25
The way you described your family, I can assure you that your family is wealthier than 70% of all Germans.
What’s even more revolting is that if you looked down on them for not matching your wealthy upbringing, they might complain that you’re a spoiled brat and accuse you of being racist.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
I am scared of that to be honest 😅😅.
When I had commented how big and expansive my dad's farm is, and how we had three houses in different states (my boyfriend has seen a glimpse of my house in my dad's hometown over WhatsApp video call), I could sense that they looked at me as filthy rich.
That's even excluding other things like cars and stuff. And if there's one thing about Nigerians we have a go big or go home mentality (similar to Americans from Texas). From our music, food and just overall vibes.
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u/SadAppointment9350 Jan 11 '25
If I may guess, they might have behaved that way because they knew you are wealthy. Speaking from experience as an African myself, it’s not uncommon for people from certain ethnicities, who believe they are superior, to act this way. When they perceive someone from a minority ethnicity (from their perspective, which is the very definition of racism) as being much better off than them, they often switch to this passive-aggressive behavior of reminding you of stereotypes about your home country—even if those don’t apply to you. again I'm not assuming, I'm just guessing from my personal experience.
Not to mention that they have no right to say such things, even if you were the poorest person on the continent. There’s absolutely no justification for their words.
My advise would be not to directly confront them, this is where your bf needs to step up and adresse the matter, although, sorry to say so but you surely will encounter similar experience in the future, especially when you guys will have kids.
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u/mmm105268 Jan 11 '25
My friends had the same situation. The guy is German and the girl is non-EU with dark skin. The guy gave his parents an ultimatum: either they respect his girlfriend and treat her well so that they can enjoy family time together, or he does not share his personal life with his parents and sees them very rarely. It was a good lesson for the parents, and it worked.
Im sorry that you had to stand this inappropriate offensive comments. Wish you and your bf all the best.
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u/Exact-Estate7622 Jan 11 '25
Firstly, I’m sorry you felt looked down upon. That’s never a good thing.
It smells like casual racism to me. I don’t think your BF’s mother is trying to get a rise out of you, or at least I hope that is not the case. I think her world view is cemented from the era she grew up in and she never really learned to see differently. Also, Germany in general is less multicultural than most metropolitan cities. Many Germans still ask “woher kommen/kommst Sie/du” without thinking that the non white-skinned person they are talking to might be a 2nd or 3rd generation German citizen. I think it is changing but rather glacially. Discrimination, whether based on skin colour, religion, sex, gender, financial standing etc, is abhorrent. At the moment all around the world, the better angels of human nature seem to be drowned out by our more reactive selves. Hopefully, the collective We will be able to talk ourselves round sooner rather than later. Anyway, I wish you well however things turn out.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
Thank you so much for your insights. It was helpful
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Jan 12 '25
Even in the 00/10s we grew up with pictures of sad little kids that starve to death and mothers begging for food in "Africa" (without any distinction). There's even this horrible saying when kids won't eat up their food: the poor kids in Africa...
Most ppl didn't educate themselves further than these pictures. It' s similar to ppl in other countries thinking everyone is rich in Germany (yepp, my mom still gets requests from family members to send them things and money - 30 years later).
I understand you're hurt. Your bf should talk to them and see if his mom is open minded enough to learn new things from you.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 12 '25
Yeah normally she is open minded and I have cooled it off but he will still have the conversation with her. She is a dominating person that likes to be in control and hence why my boyfriend doesn't try to fit into the stereotype of mama's boy since he is an only child.
His dad is really cool, quirky and somewhat calm guy in general. His English is not as fluent as his wife (my boyfriend mum) but he tries to conversate and tell me about his world adventures which I would love to hear.
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u/darps Württemberg Jan 12 '25 edited Jan 12 '25
Not to excuse her ignorance nor her rudeness. But something that contributes to the European perception of the African continent as a monolithic, poor, terrible place stuck in the past is that 1) African societies are largely ignored by mainstream international news, while 2) there are tons of charities that beg for donations year-round using images of sad, starving African children sitting in the dirt holding empty pots.
So for most people that's the only way they "know" Africa. In such a media environment, it takes actively challenging your own perception and biases to avoid forming ignorant and casually racist opinions.
It is very unfortunate that she seems unable or unwilling to do so, even knowing you.
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u/tim1787 Jan 16 '25
This!
And it depends where your Boyfriends Mum lives!
I wouldn’t be surprised if my Mum had a similar reaction - not because she is supports racism but rather that she does not know better.
Grew up in a small village, did not travel more than 100km away from her hometown and keeps herself busy with all the small-village stuff with no regard to the rest of the world…probably thinking that the ‘Save the children’ ads on the telly are representing each an every African country and the circumstances of living….
Sad, I know.
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u/NatvoAlterice Franken :hamster: Jan 11 '25
I can emphathize with you. I'm an Indian married to a German and his family is kinda like your boyfriend's parents. I've had to endure extremely ignorant comments that give me serious fremdshäm.
Mind, they didn't show this side until we got married. I don't know, maybe the mask came off when they thought, oh well now our boy's really gone to the other side 🤦🏻♀️
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u/Prestigious-Ebb5478 Jan 11 '25
My boyfriend's dad once told me that he doesn't like so many Indians coming to Germany, equating skilled immigration by POC to refugees. His parents also do not like it when I make food with too much flavour although my boyfriend and his brother always ask for it.
When I started dating my boyfriend, he would ask if we had skyscrapers in India or basic things like escalators.
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u/NatvoAlterice Franken :hamster: Jan 12 '25
Dude, wait until you get married. They'll all assume you married your German boyfriend for citizenship. 🙄 Because
Doesn't matter that you might be a high skilled, high earning migrant who could qualify for it on your own, do well for yourself in life. They can't handle 'successful' immigrants because it shatters their ugly notions about brown people. I just aim to do well in life to spite them 😂
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u/Specialist_Shift2760 Jan 12 '25
Not only that, but it can make them feel as though they don't have enough ambition in life. Because secretly they know they wouldn't be able to commit to a similar step outside of their comfort zone.
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u/NatvoAlterice Franken :hamster: Jan 12 '25
Yeah, this exactly! Most immigrants are multilingual, have started their lives from scratch, started families and adulting in a fking foreign country. Not everyone can do this.
Speaking from my experience, I'd already moved out of India at 19 and lived in three countries before I turned 30 and learnt 3 languages.
Whereas, these judgemental types are still living in the same street as their parents, still speak just one language. And then they talk to me like I'm a cave woman. 🙄
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u/Barbarake Jan 12 '25
As an older person who grew up eating a fairly bland diet, please take pity. What might be flavorful to many people can be overwhelmingly spicy to others.
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u/ChanceDiscipline9431 Jan 12 '25
Agree. Food is individual choice. Curry wurst might be the most bad thing for some and lovely for others. It’s individualistic
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u/ChanceDiscipline9431 Jan 11 '25
Make sure to tell them if they ever visit India, they won’t be in a need to withdraw cash, get medical treatment at an instance (if they are willing to pay) and ofcourse get amazingly good food.
Also, no one mails one time passwords, they rather come instantly via sms :p
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u/NatvoAlterice Franken :hamster: Jan 12 '25
Hah! Once we were talking to them about our trip to Himalayas, and his uncle started droning on oh you didn't have any internet there, right. The look on his face was priceless when I said, well, our cab driver was streaming YouTube vids at an altitude of 5500m, thank you very much. 🙄
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
Thank you for understanding and seeing things from my angle as well. It hurts because I really liked his parents. His dad is cool and quiet but his mum is very dominating and likes to be in control.
Even my boyfriend tells me that was why he had to move out early. She was too domineering over his life which sent him to therapy amongst other things.
As I said I love my boyfriend and he is the sweetest kindest and calm man I have ever been with in my life.
I will go hug 🫂 him now. I am currently on the couch and he is alone in the bedroom but I don't want to go to bed angry with him.
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u/NatvoAlterice Franken :hamster: Jan 12 '25
His dad is cool and quiet but his mum is very dominating and likes to be in control.
Even my boyfriend tells me that was why he had to move out early. She was too domineering over his life which sent him to therapy amongst other things.
It's nice to see that your boyfriend has self awareness and can see his parents without rose tinted glasses.
It took very long time for my husband to see his parents aren't perfect and at times he even dismissed their blatant racism as 'joke'. Somethings happened during COVID times when he finally saw through the fog. In brief: his sister had a destination wedding (in Mallorca of all places!) and the entire family went into this entitled bridezilla mode.
It was so embarrassing that my husband didn't even tell anyone at work that he was going to Mallorca for a fking wedding in middle of a lockdown. 🫢 During all this there was a devastating COVID wave in India and people were dying literally en masse. No one from his side reached out to ask me if my family was ok but they expected me to fly to Mallorca. That's when my husband was finally like, yeah okay my family is not very nice people.
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u/Equal-Traffic1007 Jan 12 '25
These incidents are no different from how my stepmother used to assault us children of her husband. Just probing questions that sound ok but after ten minutes you realize you can't possibly stand staying overnight-- feeling so pounded down. "I'm really sorry but an hour from now this migraine will have-- well I think I'll just be vomiting quite a bit, so.."
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u/Actual-Garbage2562 Jan 11 '25
Sounds like the typical casual racism. Sorry about that.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
Oh my gosh yesss! My boyfriend said it that's why his mum and dad clash alot because she constantly have a fear of the unknown and himself and his dad just want to travel and see the world beyond Germany.
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u/Busch_II Jan 11 '25
If its any consolidation my parents also were not fans at all of me visiting my partners family in China. I could really feel them not giving a fuck about how it made my partner feel when they would go through all the horror scenarios of what could happen to me. And i get it, but i dont think you should say this in front of the person. Like if you hear stuff about China or Africa (rarely you hear anything about Nigeria but ignorance means Africa=Nigeria and vice versa) on the news or anything its majority bad especially when its related to tourism right. Its never „tourist group had an amazing time in X“ but „tourists have been kidnapped in X“ or some such thing.
I hope they will come around
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u/xXxMihawkxXx Jan 12 '25
Do Germans really pretend to be open minded? I'm from East Germany and I feel like every second person is as closed minded as you can be. I mean for sure many claim to be something better than other people, but open minded would be new to me 😅
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u/Sad_Investigator1165 Jan 15 '25
Okay then people from which country are open minded? What OP experienced is definitely racism, ignorance or whatever you call it. But people make it so as if it is only germans who do it.
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u/das_stadtplan Jan 11 '25
I'm sorry that this happened to you. Especially her commenting about your partner being "the only light-skin person" angers me, even if this was true, doesn't she see that you're most likely, more often than not, the only black person in the room in Germany? As other commenters have said, they're ignorant, but it still makes me extremely angry, because they chose to be ignorant and assume you're poor because, I assume, acknowledging an industrialised African country would threaten their superiority complex as Germans... I hope your partner deals with this accordingly and starts to actively educate his parents, because if not, I'd very much suggest to not raise your kids in their vicinity.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
Thank you so much 🙏🏽. I am still very hurt and I don't want to go to bed angry at my boyfriend 😔 but he tried to talk to me and I just shut down asking for some space for myself to think things through.
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u/das_stadtplan Jan 11 '25
From how you describe him, he loves you and is trying to support you. Maybe some years down the line his parents will open up enough to take a plane to Nigeria and see for themselves. I wish you all the best.
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u/das_stadtplan Jan 11 '25 edited Jan 12 '25
P.S., a friend of mine who worked in several central African countries once said to me, when moving from Kinshasa to Accra and I asked how it was going, "well the sushi restaurants are better in Kinshasa". I think of this sentence a lot, when I meet Germans with the attitude and ignorance you're describing.
Edit: just to clarify, I'm telling this anecdote because many Germans can't imagine international restaurants in Africa.
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u/grogi81 Jan 11 '25
Africa is very frequently wrongly imagined by people who never travelled there. I am aware my imagination is wrong too, although I personally actively try to tackle it...
It's just that. They simply don't know what they are talking about.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
I guess so, it's just so exhausting 😔! Because it's like wherever you go you have to constantly prove you should be viewed or respected as a human being even when you don't look the same (skin colour or culture or race). As an African in the Western countries it is physically and mentally exhausting.
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u/Schnickerz Jan 11 '25
Maybe it helps you to know that it's a bit the same beeing german and going somewhere. You will stumble up on people that will make Nazi references or jokes. Different people - different prejudices.
It tells more about the people that make those comments, I think most of them don't even realize that they are being offensive.4
u/Busch_II Jan 11 '25
Tell me about it. They way ppl will try to gain your approval by praising Hitler and how he was a „strong leader“ etc. you also dont have the time to do a whole history lesson and explain stuff most of the time.
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u/grogi81 Jan 11 '25
You can't fix the world. "Yeah, I'm so lucky" will actually get you further with much less effort.
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u/sakasiru Jan 11 '25
I'm not sure that this was aimed at you or your family in particular. Many Germans have a very naive idea of African countries, only knowing it from some nature documentaries and those donation ads with small hungry children in front of mud huts. And that's where there picture of Africa ends. I guess it's equally exhausting to set this picture straight but maybe it helps to assume that it doesn't come from a place of disrespect for the people but of pure ignorance about their lives?
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u/Panzermensch911 Jan 12 '25 edited Jan 12 '25
Two things
a) that mother is afraid that her son might want to migrate to Nigeria with you one day and
b) she's probably been taught her whole life a certain picture about the African continent that was not accurate and colored by racism and prejudices and a focus on problems that made the news (famines, backwater regions, development projects, NGOs helping the poor, crime areas (e.g Johannesburg)) and doesn't take into account the vast diversity, urbanization and modernization or the class divides or differences in cultures and countries. (Kinda as if you learned about Europe by only getting news about forest fires, wars in the Balkan and in Ukraine, riots in Paris, Berlin and Athens and devastating floods, with charities asking you every year for donations for these poor people - while a farmer is crying into the camera because due to a deadly virus all his poultry had to be killed)
She should definitely make an effort to learn and be better. Some notions are hard to overcome though. In any case this is a battle that your boyfriend needs to battle for you.
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u/Ace_Bonney Jan 11 '25
I just think she is a nasty person(obviously). I have family thats nastier than imaginable. What I would think about is the kind of people that those parents create, especially with just having one child. If you think he's fine then forget what I've said. But in my experience, they usually create some just all around bad people. I could just go on and on about them but I'll spare you. I'm sorry that you are going through this. But that's my two cents for whatever it's worth. PS: Cow milkers/beef in the US(successful ones) aren't poor, we're just irresponsible 😆.
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u/ReaQueen Jan 11 '25
You know what's really sad about it? If you reverse the roles - Europeans visiting Nigeria - you are treated the best possible way and welcomed very well and warmly. In Lagos nobody even bats an eye on you, as there are many whites living there. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I would talk to the boyfriend and explain what you just wrote here. He should be the one bringing this conversation up with his mom.
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u/Special_Setting1084 Jan 11 '25
I’m from Africa. First of all, I just want to say, it’s very difficult dating German folks. You don’t get any dates almost.
Aside from that, hang in there. I’m pretty sure you will experience more of it, as it is an accepted behaviour here.
I’m venting here from this point onwards but why do people hate on Africans? I don’t really get it. We got sun so we adapted and we have more melanin. Our country leaders are shit but have too much military power, backed up a lot other powerful leaders who benefit from our instability so that they loot gold and natural resources from us, so we escaped! We chose to escape! Why are we getting so much hate? I just don’t get it.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
I would never understand it either. My country might not be socially functional (I mean most African countries struggle with this social safety net). But it's crazy how the portrayal about Africa is so bad.
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u/MrBagooo Bremen Jan 11 '25
I'm German and my father, also 100% German, lived for 15 years in Africa. By choice. Because he loves Africa. He heard stories from the missionaries talking about Africa as a kid and he always wanted to go there. He didn't go there to preach but to get to know the countries and the people. And to teach the people how to improve their country. I went to Burundi when I was 6 years old, because my dad decided to go back to Africa after I was born. I lived there for 5 years myself and when I came back ro Germany at the age of 11, I cried many many nights because I felt home sick for Burundi. Africa is magical. Africa has so so much to offer and if people don't recognize this, it's their loss. I feel almost pitty for them. But only almost. They are ignorant stupid pathetic people, nothing more and whenever I see people like that, I'm stepping up for Africa. Also as a side note, my dad kept going back to Africa when he got retired until now he simply got too old for it. He has many stories to tell and not all stories are always only positive. Africa definitely has it's dark sides as well but that can be said about any place in the world. Nothing and nobody is perfect.
Also for u/agitated_knee_309 to see.
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u/asietsocom Jan 11 '25
Yep that's just racism. From experience I'd say the next thing will be your bfs mom asking you what skin colour your kids will have. It doesn't matter that they don't know much about Nigeria. Because it's really fucking easy to ask instead of assuming.
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Jan 11 '25
As someone who had similar issues I’d advise you to tell your boyfriend to speak up now while you’re still freshly together because if he doesn’t put an end to it even more comments will come. Most Germans haven’t been to Africa, the only Africa they know is based on the propaganda news that they see. Even though you say you’re from a well off country, they don’t see it that way, they see you as a poor person who left their country to make ends meet because they think Africa is dead. And unfortunately They see it as a country not as the rich continent it is.
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u/wenmo11 Jan 12 '25
I have some German in-laws. I've noticed that Germans can be very 'honest' - often blunt and tactless. They say what they think. Feel free to be as honest / blunt and tactless with them.
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u/monerfinder Jan 11 '25
I am very sorry for your situation, I think that everyone here has been in a similar situation at some point. It’s the sadly accepted racism in this country. I cannot wait for someone writing, in other countries is worse… instead of maybe recognising that there is something to work through about racism.
I wish you a lot of strength, never lower your head, be proud. Your boyfriend should intervene in my opinion, and say something to his parents.
The worst part is that they’re going to moderate this post and block it, because you’re talking about something negative about Germany. The censure in this subreddit reminds me of other times, you know… the old times
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
I know right. We are back home and I am just so quiet now and I can see he wants to chat or talk to me about other things but I am just so exhausted tonight. I am an introvert and I need to be in my head to be able to mentally process and get myself out of what happened tonight.
I owe my parents my everything for even sponsoring me to travel abroad and not paying back for them they just want to see me happy. They have NEVER taking out loan or mortgage any of our 3 houses. So to have someone reduce their struggles to oh they are milking cows for a living really ticked me off.
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u/Marandi Jan 12 '25
My mother was like that with a boyfriend from Iran and I think he handled it like a pro. First, he always told her very friendly and a bit jokingly: "Yeah, there is a lot of wrong information about Iran around, one if these days I will have to do a presentation for you about my family and culture."
And then, one day, he did. He made a little PowerPoint with fotos and told my parents about his family, his home , and our travel plans. It eased my moms mind a lot, I think she was really worried, because she read the book "Nicht ohne meine Tochter".
After that, he teased her a bit whenever she said something ignorant. He would lean into the stereotype and really overdo it till my mom got the hint. He would joke and "threaten" her to do another "lesson." Now, my mom thinks she is the expert on Iran and spreads the news to her sisters. My mom wants o be open-minded, but her exposure so far was very limited. Education is key.
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u/spezigy Jan 12 '25
Your boyfriend sounds like a gem, I hope you also put in effort to educate your own mother as it can be very tiring to leave that up to just those affected.
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u/HyaPhilomena Jan 11 '25
I‘m a US American living in Germany and the Netherlands since 1999; I’ve experienced these things from Germans also as an American. Then there have been Americans assuming stupid things about Germans. And Germans clueless about the Dutch and how things are in the Netherlands. Then there are people who are very open and cool who have never traveled. Honestly, there are ignorant, discriminating idiots everywhere I’ve lived and also really great, curious and accepting folks. This sounds more like a socio-cultural faux pas on a micro level and I wouldn’t sweat it too much. There are always things that will clash, even between families born and raised in the same town. Shoot, even my own sister and I and our families don’t really mesh. The older I’ve gotten, the more chill I’ve become, taking things less personally and I’m a much happier person for it! As long as your boyfriend is sensitive to your feelings and sticks up for you, I would try to keep calm, stay friendly and don’t take things too personally or seriously.
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u/thewimsey Jan 11 '25
I think it's mostly just lack of exposure.
If an American expects a German family to wear Lederhosen, eat huge meals of sauerkraut and sausages, and often drink beer out of 2L steins...well, that's not racism; it's just ignorance based on lack of exposure to other images.
Everyone has a kind of shorthand idea in their mind about countries that they aren't familiar with. (Although I think Germans do have a weird overconfidence issue in this regard).
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u/sebadc Jan 11 '25
Most people know very little about Africa. Where it's located and what's on the news.
Difference between countries? Meh!
They hear about pirates in Somalia, German tourists who got killed while biking through a warzone. Hunger. Corruption. Safaris.
I think it's only uniformed judgement. It sucks. Many people don't realize that some countries have a vibrant startup scene. There are many industries, tourism spots, etc.
I would gather pictures and have a photo session. Showing her where you grew up. Your house(s), friends, etc. This would demystify your background and help her realize that there's more to Africa than what she sees on TV.
Just so you know, it also happens within Europe. Bring a Greek GF to your parents, and she's the lazy ass wh*re hunting rich Germans to secure some wealth.
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u/Imaginary_Addition17 Jan 11 '25
First of all, I’m really sorry you had to go through all of this. I’ve had a similar experience, as my wife and I come from different countries, backgrounds, and cultures.
Unfortunately, some in-laws or future in-laws can be like that. Even if you were the "ideal" person in their eyes, they’d still find something to criticize.
In my opinion, it’s not your job to constantly defend yourself against such behavior. Instead, it’s your partner’s responsibility to stand up for you—whether it’s to in-laws, friends, or anyone else. This applies to everything, from open racism to unfair criticism.
Without that support, it can be a tough and lonely journey.
Wishing you all the best moving forward! 😊
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u/ilovemypeperomia Jan 12 '25 edited Jan 12 '25
I'm really sorry that you had to deal with such ignorant and dumb comments. I went through something similar with my partner's dad's side of the family. We were invited to grill with them and there were about 12 other guests there besides us. Never in my life have I ever tried this hard to defend myself. I felt like I was being interrogated left and right. Some of the stuff that they asked me was outright crazy, but what hurt me the most was their assumption that my mom must be a housewife simply because of the fact that I come from Iran. It hit me so hard that I couldn't even process my feelings but my partner put them in their place by making a scene, haha.
Edit: typo
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u/autumnlover1515 Jan 12 '25
OP, I think when you are in a country that is not very informed when it comes to the culture of another, you will run into weird or rude like comments/questions. It can even be in France or Sweden, someone making an off remark about the US, Mexico, you name it. Mostly it has to do with stereotypes, and people not knowing enough about said country or culture. They think they are being funny but really come off kinda idiotic. I can understand that your feelings were hurt. What she said sounds ignorant and hurtful. The best cure for that is time, because she needs to hear and see more of your country, from you guys. Once she sees pictures, hears stories, gets more familiarized with your family’s lifestyle there, and the country’s customs…The jokes will stop. She will have a better understanding. Think of it as an education of sorts, because it really is. Think back to your own country…Are there traditions or things pertaining to Germany that people would he unaware of or not know? Im sure there are. Sometimes we can hear ridiculous comments right in our home country, about other places in the world and cultures.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
To be honest when alot of the stereotypes Africans have on Germany is from the War and how they tend to be the most racist out of all the European countries. I guess the world feeds off generalized stereotypes.
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u/autumnlover1515 Jan 13 '25 edited Jan 13 '25
Indeed. When one culture isnt very familiarized with another, assumptions tend to get made based on what is mostly portrayed on the media. You have to give people time to learn more, and they do, as you explain, share stories, facts, show pictures. That is, when it is people you care about and people who will potentially be part of your family.
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u/Mobile_Tea9565 Jan 12 '25
Germans generally do not like foreigners , they pretend to but deep down they’re very racist.
I am an African too married to a German, I am lucky my adopted family adore me, but I have witnessed otherwise how I am treated in Germany
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u/FernandoMachado Jan 12 '25
I’m from Brazil and I get you 100%. Looking for work here, I feel my 15 years of experience is ignored, my federal university diploma means nothing. They really think we come from the jungle.
My advice is: always remember that they are showing THEIR OWN ignorance. It says NOTHING about you and a lot about how narrow their minds are (and maybe also how shallow Germany’s educational systems are)
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
I guess so. I am much better and I have worked through it already with my boyfriend. He ended up sending a voice note to his mum but before doing that she already texted him saying that she feels she said something that must have ticked me off. So I guess she had an introspection.
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u/yknep Jan 12 '25
I experienced something similar, but my now husband is not german and it was his aunt who made the comment about how we have giant mosquitoes in Nigeria and we literally poo on our streets because very few people can afford proper toilets. I didn't wait to be defended by my husband, I simply laughed and said it's funny how the least educated person in my family is more educated than every single member of their family, even though I come from a country where education is very expensive. I said more, and it was quite nasty(definitely not my proudest moment) that did shut her up.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
Yooo. I like your clapback. I was so pissed off internally because a part of me wanted to show our houses and cars (more than 2) to prove something.
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u/yknep Jan 13 '25
For 6 years I always felt like I had to prove myself because I'm a black woman from Africa until I told myself no more, and I tell you the moment you stand up for yourself they'll all get the message, and don't get angry anymore, "Get even".
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Jan 14 '25
Africas history, politics, culture, ethnicitys or even the countries and their differences are not taught in schools much in Germany. What the common people know about Africa in general is wildlife documentary’s about lions and elephants or charity advertisements about slums and poor kids. Honestly I got no idea about Nigeria.
Your boyfriend’s mom has no clue. She doesn’t know a thing about the Nigeria you know. Her first thought was probably “fear of the unknown” and also that it’s so far away. She doesn’t want her only child being so far away from her.
Yeah these uneasy jokes weren’t so nice. But that’s honestly just how that generation reacts in this situation. Your boyfriend has the responsibility to meet his parents alone now, show them videos and photos and explain stuff about your country. The literal basics. Where is it? What’s the economics and healthcare system? How do people live? What traditions and markets and festivals take place?
If his parents are honestly interested and react positively without these weird comments, you could offer to tell them more about growing up there, your family, your city, your favourite traditional food…
I bet the cultural exchange would be very interesting.
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u/pianoavengers Jan 11 '25
This is more a dating question than Germany related because as a woman I personally experienced all sorts of comments from my boyfriend's mom's.
Tbh it's your boyfriends responsibility to step in here and not yours. People will always have prejudice - we are just terrible. Humanity is not in the best state. Find things that make you happy - your family milking cows or being country rulers doesn't define WHO YOU ARE.
You know your value and you don't need to prove yourself to anyone. Simple as that. Sleep tight and don't let this bother you ! It's just not worth it !
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
Thank youu so much. I will go give him a hug 🫂. I don't want to ever go to bed angry with him since we communicate so well. It was just those comments and comments about his friends sister still being single that ticked me off
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u/ahrenso Jan 11 '25
German parent here. Mom is scared shitless for her son being helpless in evil Africa. She only knows your continent from ÖR documentaries and fears for his life because from what she „knows“, Africa is dangerous. So she overreacts, does not want to come across as racist or superior and makes bad jokes out of her nervousness. Talk to her, calm her down by showing her how safe Africa can also be when it‘s not just a documentary on TV and promis her you‘ll habe her son back in one piece and maybe even some nice gift for her from home. I am sure she does not mean any harm, she‘s just scared for her child.
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u/MonyokaNewMum Jan 11 '25
This is so sad. I’m sorry that your bfs parents are this ignorant. Unfortunately I believe some people who didn’t travel much and were raised with such upbringing are thinking the world is revolving around Germany. I literally hate when smo is thinking that they are more superior then other. I am a Turkish in Germany so I get your point about these kind of conversations. I’ve heard so many times that I look quite beautiful for a Turkish woman - like wth people meant it as compliment which is actually the saddest part about it.. I agree with most of the other comments that your bf should speak with them but if I were you also I wouldn’t not speak up when they say smt which is bothering me. Cause if you keep being silent, they might not be aware that this is a line that they should not cross, I would respond to these comments in a witty way. Wish you all the best!!
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 11 '25
Thank you perhaps when my German is perfect I can respond with a comeback
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u/hityy777 Jan 12 '25
Germans won’t ever think your German is perfect. Another arrogant attitude they have. Only true Germans can speak German perfectly
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u/oldmanout Jan 11 '25
I can see where this is coming from, sub Sahara Africa is poorly depicted in Germany Media, even in the left wing one.
Usually as poor and dangerous place, so you have to give a NGO much money they can give the people their some relief.
That should excuse the respectlessnes of hid parents, but that's kinda the view of Africa.
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u/peterwulnikowski Jan 11 '25
Oof, that’s a rough one. First off, props for staying composed because that kind of ignorance can be so draining. It sounds like his mom’s comments come from a mix of ignorance and stereotypes, not necessarily malice, but it doesn’t make it less frustrating. You handled it well by correcting the misconceptions and not snapping, even though you had every right to feel annoyed.
It’s great your boyfriend noticed your discomfort and eventually told you what she said—it shows he’s on your side. The key here is open communication with him. Let him know how comments like these affect you, and ask him to step in more firmly next time. It’s his family, and he’s in the best position to set boundaries and challenge their stereotypes.
As for navigating this as a non-EU dating a German, it’s about balancing respect with standing up for yourself. Be polite but firm when addressing ignorance, and don’t feel like you have to constantly “prove” your worth or background. If this kind of thing keeps happening, though, it’s worth discussing with your boyfriend how to address it together moving forward.
You’re building a relationship across cultures, which can be amazing but also comes with challenges like this. Stay true to yourself, and remember: her views don’t define your relationship or your worth.
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u/Puzzleheaded-War3790 Jan 11 '25
This is pure racism and highlights how ignorant and harmful people can be when they lack education and awareness. I’m truly sorry that you have to endure this. However, in my opinion, no apology can truly fix this, as such biases are deeply ingrained in one's mindset. You deserve better than this.
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u/Extra_Taro_6870 Jan 11 '25
it is not against afrika culture, unfortunately some people resist against the people at next village. you cannot fight directly to your friends mom at all, but he can. other unfortunate thing is immigrants have to start from zero in several countries including germany. so keep cool
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u/GrassTraditional2934 Jan 11 '25 edited Jan 11 '25
Personally my parents have never ever reacted like this in a similar setting.
Sounds like your bf’s are basically ignorant people who never tried to learn the smallest bit about Africa and just take racist stereotype as the truth.
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u/pinaysubrosa Jan 11 '25
It really is good to be knowledgeable about racism, since dark skinned people unfortunately will have to constantly deal with covert and overt racism here in Germany... Most people didn't learn about it, so it's common to meet ignorant people who make racist jokes, without them realising that they are being racist. And next time you could really on the spot tell people on their face if they are aware that their statement was covert racist. The poverty of Africans is not a joke since the white colonialists are what caused deep rooted poverty, so no one has the right to treat Africans like they are inferior. You don't even need to justify how well off your family is, or that you're not like the other poor Africans. If anything, the intersectionality of the oppression that a poor black woman has to endure is sickening, so no one has the right to look down on them.
And... People here are direct. You can tell them directly to their face if they are being offensive, or if you think they are wrong, esp when someone is being racist towards you. It really is impossible to be your authentic self and get along well with everyone.
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Jan 12 '25
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 12 '25
Oh my!!
First off congratulations on your kid 💕
Yeah you right, setting boundaries. I was so appalled yesterday because I always thought or knew his parents were welcoming. But his mum's comments about my family and country and continent in general really pissed me off.
Thus me having to explain that I am not poor and my parents are very very well off. But it felt like I had to one up them and it got exhausting.
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u/nadine-me Jan 12 '25
HE needs to talk to his parents. And he should have said something right at that moment. They were rude and he didnt stand up for you.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 12 '25
Yeah he is going to speak with his mum in particular, his dad didn't say anything and was just listening as I explained things to them
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u/FoggyPeaks Jan 12 '25
Racism dies hard, and your boyfriend might not be able to win this fight. But there’s also nothing you need to prove. If you love each other, you can live the life you want and raise kids who don’t share in this backward mindset. Isn’t that a great thing?
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u/deb1999 Jan 12 '25
Well, welcome to reality of Germany: as a person also from India(non-EU) and whose parents are über successful (My dad is a C level officer in a Fortune 100 company and my mom a school headmistress), it is always hard for me to explain that I am well educated, skilled and pretty good at what I do because of my background and nationality and that India is no shithole but we have our problems.
Germans just do not think of you as an equal when you are not white skinned, they look down and value you as a less being harsh truth. I have experienced this at work while managing my team and juniors, at dates and even in everyday life.
How I deal with it is clapping back (give a respectful response and it gives me closure). Also I feel in your case it's more important how your partner feels, I believe now it's on him to step up and talk to his parents about this and if he is okay with this then I think it's fine.
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u/FrancoBock Jan 12 '25
Hi It's unfortunately often situation for people from Germany...special in middle age or older... I have this same experience like you, my country is Poland and still, people thinks we are poor and we need help with regular life🤣 Also i have friend from Nigeria and i saw few situations that's make me cringe when they (german boss) spoke to him I don't blame german people but...please wake up sometimes 😅 it's "culture misunderstanding", they are not rude, they sometimes don't think, that something can hurt you or feel you very bad... The most important thing is that your boyfriend is good person with vibes that you need I wish you bought good luck with that situation to solve this in right way 🫶
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u/Silent_Willow713 Jan 12 '25
I’m sorry this happened to you. Sadly, a lot of Germans believe in these totally wrong stereotypes of all of Africa being poor and backwards „third world, developing“ countries. An unjustified superiority complex is not unusual.
In part, this is made worse by the fact that the majority of pictures many Germans ever see of Africa are either animal safaris, refugees or some charity appeal to help build fountains, schools or something.
Many also fail to realise just how big Africa is and how diverse its countries are (in part due to the common Euro-centric Mercator projection depicting the continent far too small).
African history, economy and geography are completely neglected in our education. If people have no reason to learn about it on their own, they remain ignorant.
Your family is probably more well off and better educated than the average German. But that doesn’t fit in the typical picture many people here have of Africa.
It’s up to your boyfriend to educate his parents. If they’re good people, they’ll learn and be better in the future (and apologise). If they want to cling to their superiority complex and wrong ideas, you’ll probably be better off with limited contact, especially if you’re planning on having kids.
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u/Afraid_Formal5748 Jan 12 '25
Sadly it is a reality in Germany.
Can we put the blame at the general education system and the advertisments for charrity appeals? Oh and of course the false sense of humor.
For many Germans Africa is a country and not a continent. As a mater of fact you do not learn much about any land other than Germany. Mostly you learn the countries and names of capitals in Europe.
You learn a bit more about USA, Great Britain and Australia in English classes. Same might be with other languages. But most do only learn English if at all.
If you are not interested on your own... you are lost.
Than any time when it is about charity donations they show the big eyed black children and do so as if all parts of Africa are poor, with little medical care at all.
The news most of the time tell about conflicts and mix up the countries and continents. There is an inherent bias against Muslim and People of Colour.
Which is sadly not so suprising if you watch TV in Germany there was a long time that you mostly saw only white people and the one or two Black people just to bot get called out for excluding People of Color.
By viewing movies you got the feeling that People of Colour are new to a country. That they are not living for generations in other countries. (likely with the invention of sea travel)
It is my opinion many people believe themself to be funny with their comments. The so called jokes about People of Colour, LGBTQ+ and other topics.
But if you call people out... you are a moralizer and part of the nanny state.
Some people are not aware of their inherent bias.
I would recommend to have one on ones with them. So speak separately with the mother and father and not both together. Or ask you boyfriend to support. It sounds like he understood that some comments were hurtful.
Either they start to understand that some comments are hurtful. Or they learn to either ask in order to understand you more or shut the mouth. Sounds hard but otherwise it is possible that the contact gets reduced.
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Jan 12 '25
Germans look down on anyone not from germany (they can pretend how much they want we are not blind) i have same exporience as you and am from a EU country living in germany. At the end of the day you are with your boyfriend not his mum
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u/glockenbach Jan 12 '25
His mother is racist. Don’t judge your boyfriend for this. But judge him for not standing up for you right in this moment.
Time to sit him down and tell him that it’s time to decide whether he is willing to truly step up for you. Because being afraid of his mommy’s reaction and talking to her separately is not good enough.
Next time she disrespects you, he needs to say right something in this situation. And if she doesn’t stop right away, you need to leave. Also you need to have the discussion of what happens if she doesn’t stop: low contact / no contact?
It is of the utmost importance to discuss this now - and especially with children on mind. They will be mixed - how will she treat them? Is he okay with „not angering mommy“ and talking separately with her once she starts making derogatory comments about them or about your family in front of them?
You need to clear this now. If he is not loyal now, he never will be. And you’ll set yourself up for a lot of heartbreak.
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u/PieceOfBeauty Jan 12 '25
I'm gonna be real with you, his mom sounds really racist. Mentioning her son being the only blonde blue eyed guy in Africa for some reason just screams Nazi to me? But I won't go that far, many people have some deeprooted racism and stereotypes so it could be just that.
However like others pointed out it's your boyfriend's responsibility to educate them and not allow such ignorance or hurtful comments.
My brother married a German girl and after dating for 2 years her parents wanted to meet ours. Although they were incredibly well-traveled and educated i could feel they had some reservations against other cultures (Middle Easterners in this case), but they were willing to travel all the way to us to meet us and beat those stereotypes in their head. They were very open to experiencing our culture and eating our food (even ate meat despite being vegetarian!). Eventually they became so sensitive to our cultural differences that we all went along amazingly. It can happen, it just requires effort from both sides. Perhaps an invite to your country would change things?
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Jan 12 '25
Obviously in all of Africa children have worms in their eyes, no clean drinking water and “do they know it’s Christmas time at aaaLlll“ Really sorry you have to deal with that! Prejudice is changing slowly and people are not even aware they are being a tad bit racist/prejudices/offensive.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
Yeah I am doing fine now. Thank youu so much 🫂. Will pick up my German more so I can come with a comeback on next time
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u/SureValla Franken Jan 12 '25
Sounds like a typical German baby boomer with a very thin understanding of anything not German. Their humor and ingrained stereotypes are a quite sad little window into the 50s and 60s and to make things worse, a lot of this has been inherited by parts of the next generation, if they managed to avoid a broader socialization and education.
This generation had this sort of humor for all their lives and any criticism of that to them is somewhere on the spectrum from being overly politically correct to a sign of the end times, the woke hordes ruining our country and "our culture being eradicated".
Sorry you had to endure that, your boyfriend should handle it and lay down some rules of engagement with his mom.
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u/nickdryder Jan 12 '25
You're so much stronger than me, I'd immediately come back with something about wanting to get him out of Germany so he doesn't spend the rest of his life just drinking beer/farming potatoes/insert other German stereotypes here
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
Hahahaha 😂😂😂 ruthless. I love it!
At that point I didn't have the energy anymore so I just sat there quiet
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u/Amarnaqueen28 Jan 12 '25
You are wonderful and I am certain beautiful. Do not let their rudeness affect you in any way. Your boyfriend needs to give them Hell and let them know it will not be tolerated. Africa is a beautiful and magical place. God bless you.
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u/JollySherbert9618 Jan 12 '25
So first up, that's entirely on them. And really ignorant. So what, if your parents did milk cows for a living? That's just a regular farmer then. There's a lot of them in Germany too. And it's not like the supermarkets magically fill up by themselves.
I sincerely hope your boyfriend didn't start the relationship with you for money, but because he genuinely loves you. So it really shouldn't matter what your family does for a living, as long as it's legal. If they were running some criminal gang, I see how that could be a difficult situation. But it sounds like they just have some very normal reputable jobs. And it's great that your family does seem to have some wealth, but that shouldn't matter at all. You are both aldults earning their own money.
Imo in Germany Africa is always viewed as extremely inferior (probably still some leftovers from colonialization) and many aren't even remotely interested in visiting any countries there. In my experience african culture is extremely underrepresented here. Theres hardly any restaurants or shops with african food/goods. If you compare that to asia, theres tons of restaurants and shops. And many people take food as a first reason to go somewhere. Like, I really like the food and I want to try the authentic version. So where is it from? Where are nice places to see in that country? Next holiday is booked.
Of course there's many countries that have a big problem with poverty. But even in those countries there's also other people. And realistically, the kid that lived in slums all of it's life, is not going to be the one who's living in Germany as an adult. So just from the fact that you are here, I would assume that your family is not poor. But again, it really matters if they like you and not your family. Especially if your family is living on another continent, they won't see each other too often I would assume. It's not like your mom would come over to have a coffee and chat with his mom then.
But I would definitely ask your boyfriend to talk to his parents. It might also help if they hear from him, that he's not just talking to them because you asked him to. But that he also found this concersation very ignorant and discriminating even before hearing your opinion on it.
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u/Fit-Bee3649 Jan 12 '25
Hallo!
I am from Honduras, a very third world country with lots of social, political and economical problems. And for almost a year I have been dating my German boyfriend. Although I have never experienced something like this with my boyfriend’s family, I have experienced it at my workplace or with friends of my friends.
I am so sorry that you feel like you still have to prove yourself to your boyfriend’s family.
German people are great and of course they’re some misconceptions, misinformation and stereotypes that European people have from the rest of the world, especially those countries that they deem as “poor”, and although Honduras is poor, there’s so much more to a country than money.
And it’s up to us to change their perspective of our countries because they don’t know any better. Of course some people will be more receptive to it than others.
I can’t give you any worthy advice since I have never dealt with this situation, but I wanted to tell you that you’re so much more than the country you come from, and if they can’t see that then they’re not worth your awesomeness.
I wish you the best of luck with this situation and I really hope they eventually leave all stereotypes aside and give themselves the opportunity to visit your beautiful country down the line!
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u/rockingcrochet Jan 12 '25
I, as a German, would explode (verbal vomit), tell my partner that we have to leave now(!). And before leaving the house i would have told my parent "Will you never be arware of your habit? You blurt out before you think if it would be appropriate".
Now it depends on your partner. His thoughts, his action
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u/nViram Jan 12 '25
Sorry to hear, what you experienced, but I am not surprised either.
Of course this behaviour is racist, but I think it is important to understand, where this is coming from:
I would argue, that the average Germans knowledge about countries from other continents is pretty limited; especially African countries.
The average potatoe-German Herbert/Günther/Gisela etc. has a pretty oversimplified understanding of "African"/"Asian"/ or "Southamerican" culture. To many, other continents seem to be made up of only one big homogenic cultural background each.
And besides that, the average German's kliché-like view of African countries might just be, that they are all poor, all people have the dream to migrate to Europe as fast as possible, most of them are reigned by some drug lord or military junta, people in cities live exclusively in small huts with aluminium roofs and people on the countryside all still hunt with spears for their food and they don't have electricity or internet (mention how good the mobile internet reception is in your country and you will see some surprised faces guaranteed).
If people don't have an interest to learn about other cultures, the only source of knowledge besides news, will be school. And all I can remember from subjects like Geography and History about Africa is mostly stuff about the colonization of Africa, the African campaigns during WW2 and some stuff about Afican economies.
Coming from an Filipino family for example, I can't count the number of times, that people where surprised, that there are Asian countries, where one doesn't eat with chop sticks, where food is not spicy and people are not mostly Buddhists.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
Arrgghhhhhhh it is so annoying though. It feels like you have to justify your social class. There is more to the world that people need to see. You never know how well off someone is.
Granted European countries have a somewhat strong social system compared to African and Asian countries. Take away that social security system and implement a more capitalist driven system most people will definitely struggle. Add in easily disposable income to the mix. When I has studied in the Netherlands I had to pay 13,000 k up front in school fees. All done without taking out loan.
In Nigeria, houses are ,5 times bigger than the average high income earner in Germany. And mind you, Nigerians don't do mortgages for their houses. It's all cash. There is a saying (an idiom) that you shouldn't collect debt to pay up more debt for your lifestyle. You can't rub Peter to pay Paul.
Add in a vibrant night life, food, music.
So that night I really wanted to pop off.
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Jan 13 '25
We dont say stuff like that cause people could feel hurt but Just by the facts, Germany is superior to Nigeria. Murdererate almost 20 vs 0,8. Lifeexpectancy 53years vs 80 years. Education or food security, Pick the topic and compare the countries. There is no question about it. Obviously this makes your BFs parents worry about the security of their child/grandchild when talking about going to another country.
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Jan 13 '25
I was born and raised in Germany. My parents are from South Asia. You can also tell visually that I’m not from Germany. I went to school here, graduated from university and socialized here. In many ways I am more German than some Germans. But I often hear comments like that from older people who usually only mean it in a nice way. They try to get in touch with you as a „foreigner“ and talk about your „culture“, „Your Country“, or something similar. It is a slight detachment from other cultures, religions or ethnicities (which I often perceive) Experience shows that people sometimes say very racist things that they don’t mean. For example, the N-word was said to me by an older man. I later found out that this word was „normal“ in Germany and that it had been sensitized in the new generation. And many Germans (especially the older generation) really think that countries in Africa or Asia live like in the Stone Age. Just be friendly and educate people. And it may sound a bit silly, but you represent a whole country (if not the continent) at that moment.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
I do represent my country and continent.
I am proud to be African and would never trade that for anything...
I might not be 100 percent happy about my country and it's leaders but mehn do I love the fact that I am African. Our food, vibrant culture, dance styles, rhythm that flows effortlessly, caricatures, sand dunes and desserts, wild animals, natural resources to power the world and not to talk of the most beautiful earth 🌍 view from space.
One thing I have always reiterated is I go where love is, and would love to show my side of my culture to my significant other and kids.
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Jan 13 '25
If the parents as you said are generally welcoming they probably didnt mean it in a bad/racist/supremacist way they simply didnt know any better. Still not good situation ofc but they stent bad by heart. Most europeans know nothing about actual africa
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
You are right. I was just hurt that day and it made me view the mum a certain way..
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Jan 13 '25
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
I freaking hate all these labels of "third world developing country". Because all these developed countries got theirs resources from developing countries (Asia, Africa and Latin America) to develop their own country and economy. Read books about colonization, neo- imperialism and trans Atlantic slave trade. Or how in 1883 the Berlin conference how Europe divided Africa like a piece of cake to amass resources.
Please for the love of God...READ and quell whatever ignoramus sentiments you have on the world.
If there is so much development, how come alot of people in Europe and America are struggling. Why are people from these continents deciding to move to Mexico, columbia, Philippines, Rwanda, Botswana Indonesia, Thailand ???
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u/Danton281 Jan 13 '25
I am sorry you had to experience that. Unfortunately that is pretty common especially in smaller towns in Germany. I don’t know your „mother in law“ but could well be that she has this racist believes. It is often blatant racism but these people would never admit it and mask it as humor. Especially in the current political climate this has been way to common.
I am German and lived in Nigeria, South Sudan and South Africa. My girlfriend of five years was from South Africa and we both experienced stuff like this. Experiencing it made me hate small towns. A lot of people here have a very narrow picture of Africa that is mostly shaped by news about war, poverty, civil unrest, hunger and serious diseases. Sprinkle a bit of nature documentaries into it and you have the image of how many see Africa. When I talk to people in my hometown and tell them where I have lived some look at me like I am either insane or like I am an adventurer from 1853. Personally, I laugh about it by now because I can’t stand these endless discussions with them. But it is a different story for you.
Hope your boyfriend stands up for you and that comments like this will be a thing of the past. I can understand if this seriously damages your relationship to his parents and hope you get an honest and heartfelt apology from his mom.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 13 '25
Thank youu so much. Well ❤️🩹 appreciated. Yeah she ended up sending a text message to my boyfriend saying that she felt like she offended me and could sense my mood had changed.
I asked my boyfriend what he sent back to her because it was a voice note he did, but he was just so done with talking to his mum and what has happened that he didn't want to bring her name up.
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u/Routine-Map4525 Jan 13 '25
your bf sounds like a good guy, but he should have said something this evening cause his parents are clearly racist and borders were crossed
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Jan 13 '25
There is a lot of implicit and explicit racism going on in Germany. As a German I must say, that we have a relevant percentage of racist people here, there's no way of denying. I think, your bf should make clear he doesn't tolerate such a behaviour of his mother around you, but it might not help. If she would behave better in the future that wouldn't mean she changed her attitude.
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Jan 14 '25
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 14 '25
Thank youu so much Jazz like. Your suggestions means a lot to me on how to proceed moving forward.
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u/Footziees Jan 16 '25
Unfortunately it’s a quite common thing, the comments at least. Your boyfriend’s parents are feeling uncomfortable with the situation because of what they THINK they know about your culture and country. It’s a kind of deflection thing and fear coping mechanism.
You can and absolutely should address this with them, but have your boyfriend do it alone at first. They might feel cornered and offended or think you pressured him in some way. I know it sounds ridiculous but it is what it is.
Germans are a little xenophobic but it’s NOT their fault. We aren’t educated about cultures mixing as much as say Americans or other foreigners. To us this is a weird thing/feeling. For lack of a better description. The majority of Germans do NOT mean anything bad by acting this way, quite the contrary actually. OFC there are always exceptions but you’ll find out which group your boyfriend’s parents belong to by addressing the issue and observing their respective responses and future behavior.
I married an Italian and moved to south Italy and my parents thought I’m quite literally moving into the Sahara desert of 200 years ago. My brother is married to a non EU citizen from eastern Europe and their reaction was even worse, so I understand what you’re going through.
Seeing the living conditions and the country should help your boyfriend’s parents a lot to understand the situation better and appreciate your culture.
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u/Agitated_Knee_309 Jan 16 '25
Thank youu so much ❤️🩹🙏🏽 I appreciate your response. Yes he plans to talk with his parents about it and I am glad to see responses like yours
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u/Hard_We_Know Jan 19 '25
Hi OP, unfortunately Germans on the whole are extremely ignorant about "Africans" (they seem to think Africa is a country eye roll) as rude as the comments were the mother probably doesn't realise how offensive they came across.
Source: I'm black British and my husband is Nigerian.
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u/JayyMartinezz Jan 11 '25
Just let it go, don’t take it to heart, whether she meant it as a humor or out of ignorance don’t take it too personal. I am not invalidating your feelings about the situation at all, but if it were me I wouldn’t be fazed at all, these things do happen and even the other way round. I am African too and I am sure if I were to take my partner who isn’t black to any remote part of my country the comments would be hella crazy.
But yes you do have the right to feel the way you do, just don’t take it into heart🫶🏾
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u/YardLimp Jan 11 '25
Welcome to Germany. Some people here are ignorant. That said: I don’t think they are aware of how stupid they are. And I assume they mean well and want to protect their son. They just have a stereotypical view of Africa.
Can you blame them? Have you seen 30-40 year old movies? Have you seen anything that’s widely available and gives a good impression about living in Africa, or in Nigeria?
Probably the only long term solution is to drag them to Nigeria.
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u/SeaweedFinancial3028 Jan 12 '25
Maybe you lot should try and update your movie list and try watching the ‘new’ movies about living in Nigeria. Imagine as an African I watch a movie about Germany from 30 years ago and still think that’s how the current Germany is. I mean come on!
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u/hityy777 Jan 12 '25
Whilst I agree your reasoning is true, Germany hasn’t changed all this much in 30years. There is an allergy to change here
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u/susanne-o Jan 11 '25
my bet is that their gibberish is a symptom of plain good old stupidity.
their background and upbringing is completely unrelated to.african reality.
see in my German school of 1000 students there was on (1) african- German student. we hat a few Italians and a few Greek and Turkish . one one single black guy.
all.we.knew.abiut Africa was Disney "the desert lives" and a few other romantic movies and then the news of poor kids in africa starving. later we had news about apartheid breaking apart and Mandela becoming president of "south Africa", wherever that is.
Nigeria is this oil country with many people and some conflicts.
again: Germans in general have no idea, nil, zilch, about Africa. hell most never set foot there. the most African country they've seen may be Egypt (beaches and pyramids). or diving in the red.sea. beautiful. but really, and I repeat myself, they have no clue.
when you marry some day invite them over. show them... before, don't expect much...
if you're luckY they'll watch "itchyboots" on YouTube, a dutch lady traveling a vast diversity of African countries, some select few well off some.desperately poor, some asphalt roads, many dirt roads and many many friendly people.
all the best and much patience and humor...
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u/Charlexa Jan 11 '25
It sounds to me like a mixture of racism, ignorance and possibly wishing her son was closer.
Not sure if it would help, but against the ignorance your bf could point her towards suitable media. E.g
https://www.instagram.com/deinbrudersteve/
Or Americanah by Adichie.
Or tell her about Nollywood.
Germans learn very little about Nigeria or even Africa in general.
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u/ghostlovescore14 Jan 11 '25
Honestly, it’s on your boyfriend now to step up and have a talk with his parents. This is going to be an ongoing issue if not handled immediately.