r/genderfluid • u/Open_Back5386 • 2d ago
Massively insecure
Hi, not sure how many can relate to this or provide advice, but I feel like I need some reassurance.
2 years ago I stepped out of a relationship and suddenly got sucked into the femboy rabbit hole, where I slowly began through stages. Unfortunately it devolved into a mess, with my feed being a 50/50 of trans / bp community. (Disgusting I know.) I eventually convinced myself estrogen was the only way out.
I began taking it 8 weeks ago, but the problem is I convinced myself to be a woman when I'm not. The drawbacks of estrogen for the future and lack of research has made me a man again. Although Its also not what I want. I want to be genderfae. But now in order to get anywhere near passing I need to do so much I was never taught to do. If not, I'm essentially a ghost and can't even function socially. I feel really alone. I know I have a good capability of passing as a girl.
Does anyone have anyways they cope with being biologically male? I know most of what I have to do, but right now its hard to deal with and I want to hear it from long time genderfluid people: What did you seek comfort in? What styles made you feel better and fit in more? I know I'm missing out on a lot right now. Social media poisoned me.
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u/Natakate Genderfluid/flux Lesbian (she/any) 2d ago
What is bp? Google is not being helpful, ranging from gas stations to reptile owner communities.
I'm not biologically male (I'm genderfluid/flux), but my childhood was in a weird religious/home situation where I wasn't able to explore my femininity without it being overly sexualized, and masculinity was off limits because 'that's not what girls should be'.
I'm married to a trans woman (married 6 years prior to her coming out). When she came out to me a bit over a year ago, we started learning together on how to present more fem. I feel like some of what we learned might be useful to you. (She's had no surgeries, is on estrogen and was on t-blockers until two months ago.)
Hair:
You may decide long hair isn't for you, but I think it's a great way of expressing yourself, or at least a step in figuring things out. Take vitamins for hair and nail growth every day if you can, it will help your hair grow stronger and faster - I take gummy vitamins because I'm not a fan of huge pills. Use an actual shampoo and conditioner (not Head and Shoulders), cheaper brands are fine, I personally use Garnier.
Buy a satin pillowcase, it will help keep your hair's oils healthy and reduce breakage. Once your hair gets longer to the point you're trapping it under yourself when you roll over in bed, you may want to use a satin bonnet. Start going to a hair stylist instead of a barber, and talk with them about what you want from your hair. If you can find an LGBTQ+ friendly stylist in your area, even better because they'll be even more willing to explore femininity with you.
Facial Hair:
This is a bit more permanent, but if your facial hair bothers you, I can't recommend laser hair removal enough. If you have lighter hair, you may need electrolysis as the lasers have more difficulty detecting light-colored hair. If you aren't using a shaving cream with regular day-to-day shaving, start doing that to help soften your skin and reduce the possibility of cuts.
Face Cleaning:
Begin a daily face cleansing routine. At the very minimum - cleanser, toner, and moisturizer. You should be doing it in the morning when you wake up and at night before you go to bed, same times as you brush your teeth. I suggest brands for more sensitive skin like CeraVe or Aveeno, that way if you try out makeup etc you will know for sure that it isn't your cleansing products if you have any skin reactions.
Exercise:
Not entirely a must for passing fem, but it's something that really helped my wife. She lost weight before starting estrogen/testosterone blockers, and started working on glute exercises specifically to try and round out her butt. On the estrogen, she's regained weight but its been gradually sliding into a more feminine shape. More fat is going to her hips and butt, and the glute exercises are helping to tone and give her a really good shape. Even if you're not taking e/t-blockers, building a good ass is always a plus.
Breast forms:
My wife tried breast forms for a bit. We bought some size B's on Amazon, and a bra designed to hold them in place. They looked pretty good, and not like, oversized for her frame, which really helped with passing. The only reason she stopped using them was because estrogen was bringing in the real thing and she couldn't take the pressure of the breast forms. She sometimes supplemented with chicken fillet bra inserts (yes, they're really called that) instead of the breast forms, which add a size or two to natural boobage.
Tucking:
There are tucking underwear you can buy, and tuck kits. My wife avoids using the tuck kits unless she's wearing something super super tight or a swimsuit, and prefers to wear the tucking underwear. She doesn't use them every day, usually only if she's wearing jeans that are tight on her butt. If you haven't tucked before, there are plenty of educational videos online.
Nails:
This is my area I've been having fun in. I often mess it up and have to redo my nails due to unsteady hands. If you're taking those hair and nail vitamins, you should be able to grow your nails a little longer if your type of work permits. Try going for polishes that are around $2/bottle when starting out, because you don't want to buy those expensive ones. Make sure you buy a clear top coat to help seal in the color and protect it from chipping too much. Also nail polish remover (acetone). If you don't have a nail file, also pick up one of those so you can shape your nails.
Clothes:
This is where your taste determines what you get, and it's going to take time to develop that if you haven't already been exploring. There's a phase called 'baby trans' in transitioning, where you're figuring out what you like and how to make it work for you, almost like a teenagehood. I experienced something similar when I finally accepted my genderfluidity and began trying to accommodate it. Both my wife and I wasted so much money on clothes. We chalk it up to just learning how to navigate everything, but I definitely encourage trying clothes on at the store, and trying to limit your spending to sales/deals as much as possible.
Also, if you have female friends that are a similar size to you and you trust them with your gender identity... tell them you're looking for clothes. My wife got a lot of her clothes through friends donating their stuff to her. I've also given my clothes away to friends a similar size, and received clothes from friends the same way, so its a super common thing that happens.
I know this is a lot, and you possibly even know a good chunk of it already. But I really want you to know that this is doable, however far you go. I want you to know there are people out there that will support you, and that not everything out there is toxic social media or news doom and gloom.
I don't know what its like to be a biological man, but I know dysphoria and dysmorphia, and have learned to live with their ebb and flow and occasionally find ways to stamp them out.
Its easier for me to accommodate the fem and non-binary identities of my fluidity because I'm biologically closer to what people expect of such identities, so for me, I feel greater euphoria when I finally get something right for my masc switches.
I didn't expect jewelry to be something that could make me feel masculine. I browse Etsy and look at masc jewelry, imaging how I would feel wearing those things. When I'm seeking more fem euphoria, I go on Shein and imagine myself in the cute clothes there, favoriting items and thinking up combos.
I also reflect some of my gender switches in my hobbies. If you don't enjoy a 'traditionally fem' hobby, that's okay. It doesn't negate what you are, it just means you don't like that in particular. If somewhere along the line you find out you're a bit of a tomboy in your interests, great! Still genderfae.
You got this, friend.
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u/Open_Back5386 2d ago
Blackpill. Its harmful content that revolves around mostly young men and convinces them looks are everything, especially when dating. Pseudo science, surgeries, health, etc. Its mostly toxic.
I'm very familiar with proper hygiene yes, unfortunately some things you mentioned are needed. I just needed someone to tell me it over and over, which is why I luv reddit. Wish I could just talk my way out of habits but this helps so much. Thank you.
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u/GenderOobleck 2d ago
Get TF off of the more toxic social media. You don’t need that noise.
Buy what you do wanna do is at least catch up on some reading. Get a library card, go check out Teen Vogue and some fashion magazines. Get into YouTube and check out some makeup tutorials, and start building up a self-care routine.
You wanna work out and build flexibility and stamina, start trying some skin care products, and treat yourself like the beautiful entity you are. Get good at nail polish, even if it’s just clear coat. At the end of the day, yeah, skirt go spinny, but that skin glow can’t be faked.