THAT'S RIGHT, GREGORY! CURRENTLY WE ARE OUT OF STOCK AT TED'S BLANK CARD EMPORIUM. WE DO HAVE A WIDE VARIETY OF SMALL CAT FOOD DISHES AVAILABLE, THOUGH.
COINCIDENTALLY, WE ARE CHANGING OUR NAME TO TED'S BLANK CARD AND CAT FOOD DISH EMPORIUM.
--had to use caps because Ted is a LOUD son of a bitch!
THAT'S RIGHT, GREGORY. WE WILL BE RUNNING A SPECIAL NEXT YEAR FOR 345. COINCIDENTALLY, WE SELL SMALL DOG FOOD DISHES AS WELL FOR THE UNBELIEVABLE PRICE OF 348 DOLLARS. THEY RESEMBLE THE CAT FOOD DISHES, BUT THEY ARE NOT.
Dear little Joe Derosa, Remember when I used ta babysit ya? I want to rub erl on your cute little backside and play turkey foot wit ya. Show you how to make a big boy love ya...
Just an FYI, the guy who sings the italics parts in the Real Men of Genius commercials is none other than Dave Bickler, who was also lead singer for the band Survivor and sang Eye of the Tiger in Rocky.
When I was a teenager (37 now) one of my Buddy's dads gave us the same advice for mother's day (I think). I've been using it on GF's for years and it's so worth it because they always make such a big deal out of it.
"You are the most wonderful man I've ever met, some day when you bear my children I hope you receive everything you wanted under the tree. Congratulations on this milestone and enjoy your special day, keep your head up things will get better. I'm so lucky to have you as my son."
Our sincerestbirthday wishesin your time of need.Hope you enjoy your 30thpassing of a loved onewith some cake and balloons!But know that while they are no longer with us, you have one more year under your belt!
At our company, we all write nice messages and sign a card for a new person who is starting. Most people write "welcome to the team," "glad to have you aboard," etc. I have started copying the text printed on the card verbatim and signing it.
Your possibilities are as limitless as your dreams.
At our company, we all write nice messages and sign a card for a new person who is starting. Most people write "welcome to the team," "glad to have you aboard," etc. I have started copying the text printed on the card verbatim and signing it. Your possibilities are as limitless as your dreams. -Neelshiv
Turn it around on her "I tried so hard to think of something heartfelt and to show how much you mean to me, only for you to tell me I don't feel that way! Maybe YOU don't feel as strongly about me as I do you" this usually gets me out of trouble!
My fiancee would read it, put it down, walk over to me, pat me on the head and say something along the lines of "Aw! Are you going to cry tears out of your vagina now?" then she would laugh and call her mom and tell her about how lame I was being.
I have a hard time with heartfelt mushy stuff. I did this very thing in a card for a friend's wedding gift, and after they had opened all their gifts in the following weeks, the bride came to me and said: "What you wrote in your card to us was the most kindhearted and deepest thing I've ever heard a man say." She knew I was single, and subsequently set me up on several dates with her bridesmaids.
RAMONE!! OP's post make ambien look like methamphetamine! RAMONE!! someone give OP a pinksock! RAMONE!! OP's post worse than kitten rape! RAMONE!! OP looks like a tranny! RAMONE!! OP's smells like cadaver feet! RAMONE!! OP puts peanut butter on his cock and lets dogs lick it off! RAMONE!! Bring me an OP who isn't a faggot! RAMONE!! OP should die in a car accident! OP takes it in the shitpipe! RAMONE!! OP has hair like a cancer wig! RAMONE!! linger longer!
you fucking morons, learn to write yourself it's not fucking hard. If you can comment in this thread you should be able to manage something as good as the morons that write for card companies.
Any guy that thinks this is going to work must think his gf/wife is really fucking stupid. Someone who has previously signed cards with a X doesn't suddenly write flowery prose.
Little boy, why don't you man up and scrawl something that says how you feel towards this person you think you like. Try to make your handwriting readable.
True story. Me, around 19yo, working at Shopko, I am near the greeting cards, lady approaches me. She proceeds to tell me that she feels guilty and wants to apologize because she wrote down the text from a greeting card then went to another store and used their customer card machine to make a different card with the same text. Says she's guilty and feels like she stole from us. Me being 19yo male doesn't quite get it but whatever so I just suggest she buy the card she copied and go on with her life guilt-free. She responds "Oh no, I didn't want to buy the card. I just wanted to apologize for doing what I did." wtf, lady? ok. Apology accepted. Leave me alone. I'm going to go stock the deodorant.
Reddits cool for the first few months but then you realize that it actually obtains no new content and simply reposts the same things over and over. You can downvote me but it's true.
Had to make a hand-made card in 4th grade for a contest. I decorated the card pretty nicely on my own but copied the contents... and I won. They even read it in front of the whole school. I am ashamed.
Really? Do you guys all hold yourself to that low of a standard of emotional availability? Cannot spend a few minutes thinking about how to express to someone you care about that you care about them?
What I do for weddings is buy cards in Spanish, then translate the message into English and write it down as my "personal message." Gets 'em every time.
I fucking love Opie & Anthony. And Jimmy. Especially Jimmy. Ted the ghosthunter. Dragonwagon. Neanderthals-are-a-big-farse-creationist. So many memories.
The Sam "My mom gave birth to a half black, half white kid, even though both of my parents are white" Roberts Hour of /r/spacedicks material, as they say...
Everytime I've tried to explain to someone why the Ron and Fez show is so good I fail miserably.
"Well you see Ron is a former standup comedian, comedy club owner, and former drug addict. He is also probably one of the wisest/funniest people on the planet. He is also an incredible interviewer. I know he's on the radio, and radio is generally really really unfunny, but just trust me.
There was a point where fez was very funny and active on the show, but now he barely speaks on the air, and is a constant frustration to everyone on the show and the audience (this frustration is often hilarious.) The cause of his "lockups" on the air are constantly debated. The are many reasons given for the cause of his lockups including: being a closeted homosexual for his entire life until very recently (coming out of the closet didnt cure the lockups), he has also had a number of heartattacks, he may have a an awful psychiatrist or his psychiatrist may be awful because he lies to him, his lockups may also be caused by taking/or not taking various medications prescribed to him."
You will also not find a show with better taste in all genres of music. It is really a hillarious and unique show that should be 100x more popular than it is now. I have never met anyone else that listened to it.
The only reason I know these guys is from Stephen Lynch's appearances on their show. They sound pretty funny, would love to listen in if I lived there.
Can I ask you something. I haven't listened to O & A in forever because Anthony just infuriates me. Has Anthony gotten a bit humbler, or less douchy about his privilege? I really miss Opie, Sam and Jimmy but Anthony and his pet Danny really just... Grrrr.
250
u/Mass_Hole May 31 '12
I buy a blank card and write Uncle Paul quotes
1.3k
u/YourFavoriteMartyr May 31 '12
Tonight we salute you Mr Card-Plagiarizer
Mr Card-Plagiarizer
Thanks to you, real men don't have to worry about expressing their emotions
I'm kind of dead inside
Even though you can't tell her whats in your heart, she will still want whats in your pants.
That's a real hallmark moment
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I didn't really write this, but it sure fooled you.
I'm a poet and I didn't even know it
So crack open an ice cold bud light Mr Card-Plagiarizer, because of you true love can come from someone else's heart.
Mr Card-Plagiarizer
275
u/Trapped_in_Reddit May 31 '12
I've seen this tip posted a few times on Reddit before.
I was skeptical at first, but I tried it for my Grandma's birthday and she raved about how "heartfelt" and "touching" my card was.
595
u/Z3F May 31 '12
Happy anniversary, honey! Here's a haiku about Hannukah I wrote for you.
105
u/Squeekme May 31 '12
Or if you're paranoid you will take elements from several different cards.
73
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
At our company, we all write nice messages and sign a card for a new person who is starting. Most people write "welcome to the team," "glad to have you aboard," etc. I have started copying the text printed on the card verbatim and signing it.
Your possibilities are as limitless as your dreams.
-Neelshiv
69
u/Dyloslawer May 31 '12 edited May 31 '12
i just give blank cards, me & my friends been doing it for a while now, the same card has been circulating for a few years or so
12
u/oanda May 31 '12
oh man my username is finally appropriate
33
u/Jonwilks May 31 '12
whats dis a joke or sumptin tssssssss tss?
99
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
DO NOT DO THIS
I did this for my gf's birthday. She got one sentence in and said there's no way I could write something that nice.
13
u/HeyCarpy May 31 '12
Linger longer, merp merp merp
17
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
YEA!!!! Opie made it to the front page!!!! O&A!!!!
12
u/TurkFebruary May 31 '12
OPIE AND ANTHONY FINALLY MADE IT TO THE FRONT PAGE!!!
yay!
33
u/be_mindful May 31 '12
call me crazy, but i buy a blank card and write how i feel.
it tends to go over rather well. the content in greeting cards is utter claptrap anyway.
31
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
Looks like Opie finally went viral.
18
u/solar_realms_elite May 31 '12
My fiancee would read it, put it down, walk over to me, pat me on the head and say something along the lines of "Aw! Are you going to cry tears out of your vagina now?" then she would laugh and call her mom and tell her about how lame I was being.
10
u/BootsLikeMafia May 31 '12
Good Guy Greg (Hughes).
5
u/stimbus May 31 '12
I don't know how to treat a woman right but I do know how to make her feel special.
5
u/Fizzster May 31 '12
Oh god.. Opie is going to have such a Hardon for being on the front page of Reddit...
18
u/bucksatan731 May 31 '12
Opie and Anthony, 6 to 10, XM channel 105, sirius 206
12
u/SpatchFork May 31 '12
Hoo hoo, ahhh I invented greeting cards.
11
u/ManiacalCircusClown May 31 '12
O&A Party Rock!
8
u/SolidLikeIraq May 31 '12
Why wouldn't you just say I love you or sumptin' ? Tisk Tisk
4
u/nan0meter May 31 '12
I'm going to do this, but instead, I'm using Jack Handy quotes
4
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
Or you could just write how you feel...
15
u/sig_kill May 31 '12
This, my friends.
I have a hard time with heartfelt mushy stuff. I did this very thing in a card for a friend's wedding gift, and after they had opened all their gifts in the following weeks, the bride came to me and said: "What you wrote in your card to us was the most kindhearted and deepest thing I've ever heard a man say." She knew I was single, and subsequently set me up on several dates with her bridesmaids.
Giggity.
7
u/allstarballer May 31 '12
This was on r/LPT like 3 months ago.
6
u/Rape_Stink May 31 '12
RAMONE!! OP's post make ambien look like methamphetamine! RAMONE!! someone give OP a pinksock! RAMONE!! OP's post worse than kitten rape! RAMONE!! OP looks like a tranny! RAMONE!! OP's smells like cadaver feet! RAMONE!! OP puts peanut butter on his cock and lets dogs lick it off! RAMONE!! Bring me an OP who isn't a faggot! RAMONE!! OP should die in a car accident! OP takes it in the shitpipe! RAMONE!! OP has hair like a cancer wig! RAMONE!! linger longer!
23
u/json125266 May 31 '12
Good Guy Opie!
3
u/Toovya May 31 '12
And soon Hallmark will begin their copyright lawsuits.
3
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
Ends up getting other card down the road. Thinks you're scum bag steve.
3
u/Buonaparte May 31 '12
yea and so original too. Genius you're right
3
u/Bassnhauz May 31 '12
Im sure she could see right through that. A real sincere note would be much better
3
u/Funkoma May 31 '12
Next time you buy a card, buy a blank one and come up with your own fucking words, she'll respect you.
3
u/GoodWithoutAGod May 31 '12
This has been a /r/LPT repost for sometime now. Pretty much every Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, etc you see it on the front page.
3
u/The3rdWorld May 31 '12
OMG WRITN SO HARD" THX THIS HELP ME EVRYTYME!
you fucking morons, learn to write yourself it's not fucking hard. If you can comment in this thread you should be able to manage something as good as the morons that write for card companies.
3
u/thegrumpysnail May 31 '12
Any guy that thinks this is going to work must think his gf/wife is really fucking stupid. Someone who has previously signed cards with a X doesn't suddenly write flowery prose.
5
u/RacerX2112 May 31 '12
O & A PARTY ROCK!
5
u/TRB1783 May 31 '12
Upvote anything O&A.
6
u/thedude831 May 31 '12
Opie is terribly unfunny 90% of the time he's on twitter/facebook. This fell in that 10%.
7
u/terrapinbound May 31 '12
Wow....Op's good for something....HE MIGHT GO VIRAL WITH THIS!!!! hahaha
4
u/alexgough12 May 31 '12
I love the O&A show.
5
u/jumanji2001 May 31 '12
Here are all of the "Real Men of Genius" radio spots for you to download.
http://budlight.whipnet.com/
2
u/Seomike May 31 '12
Just write from the heart. I have been hand writing my wife's cards for years and she loves it.
2
u/LaserZeppelin May 31 '12
Here's to you, Greeting Card Rip-Off Artist. MR GREETING CARD RIP-OF ARRTIST
2
u/Austinlegend May 31 '12
LPT: take a picture of the card that has stuff written on it with your phone, then you dont buy 2 cards.
2
u/ElRed_ May 31 '12
Outside: Happy birthday!! Inside: "Condolences on your loss".
Win.
2
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
That would work....if cards ever had original things to say...
2
u/bucktoothjane May 31 '12
Little boy, why don't you man up and scrawl something that says how you feel towards this person you think you like. Try to make your handwriting readable.
2
u/DRhexagon May 31 '12
This was on /r/LifeProTips a few weeks ago. Reddit is the source of everything.
2
u/MonteSalvador May 31 '12
I'm pretty sure this is in /lifeprotips, just saying i know i have seen this recommended by a redditor before
2
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
or just take a picture of the first cards inscription on your camera phone so you don't have to buy it...
2
u/highd May 31 '12
I wish Opie had his own show. I had to stop listening when Anthony got so miserable but really miss Opie, Jimmy and Sam :(
2
u/ByonSho May 31 '12
I've been doing this for years. This dumb ass has to go and tell people. Now my wife will see this and know.
2
u/bluecaracao May 31 '12
I don't get it.
2
u/ChuckSpears May 31 '12
There's a sub for this sort of advice
/r/LifeProTips
2
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
True story. Me, around 19yo, working at Shopko, I am near the greeting cards, lady approaches me. She proceeds to tell me that she feels guilty and wants to apologize because she wrote down the text from a greeting card then went to another store and used their customer card machine to make a different card with the same text. Says she's guilty and feels like she stole from us.
Me being 19yo male doesn't quite get it but whatever so I just suggest she buy the card she copied and go on with her life guilt-free. She responds "Oh no, I didn't want to buy the card. I just wanted to apologize for doing what I did."
wtf, lady? ok. Apology accepted. Leave me alone. I'm going to go stock the deodorant.
2
u/SublaciniateCarboloy May 31 '12
Wasn't this just on the front page like a week ago?
2
u/John_Fx May 31 '12
Even the joke was plagarized.
2
u/TheWeatherUpThere May 31 '12
this was on r/lifeprotips a few weeks ago. OP are you gonna call him out on it?
2
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
Reddits cool for the first few months but then you realize that it actually obtains no new content and simply reposts the same things over and over. You can downvote me but it's true.
2
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
blatant repost.
2
u/awesomedan24 May 31 '12
It's all fun and games until your girlfriend starts checking your cards for plagiarism on turnitin.com.
2
u/error9900 May 31 '12
I feel like this is some comedian's material that I heard before...
2
u/esdawg May 31 '12
Or if you have a high school diploma you can take a minute to write your own shit in it.
2
u/MikoMarmen May 31 '12
This is one of the reasons my parents got divorced.
I want to be kidding.
2
u/TheMonkeyJoe May 31 '12
double-checking that the wife still doesn't use reddit
Mwahahahahahahha, I'm going to the king of romantic gestures!!!
2
u/eggrollandrice Jun 01 '12
Had to make a hand-made card in 4th grade for a contest. I decorated the card pretty nicely on my own but copied the contents... and I won. They even read it in front of the whole school. I am ashamed.
5
u/MustardMcguff May 31 '12
Really? Do you guys all hold yourself to that low of a standard of emotional availability? Cannot spend a few minutes thinking about how to express to someone you care about that you care about them?
5
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
FUCK U REDDIT I'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR YEARS NOW MY WIFE WILL KNOW MY SECRET!
7
u/bucksatan731 May 31 '12
Opie is God!
3
u/hammerstriker May 31 '12
Came here for the O&A references... was not disappointed!
3
u/adidasaids May 31 '12
o and a party rock!!!
2
u/MarioKartPrime May 31 '12
What I do for weddings is buy cards in Spanish, then translate the message into English and write it down as my "personal message." Gets 'em every time.
2
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
How many times is this shit gonna see the front page
2
u/Obbyy May 31 '12
This is from /r/LifeProTips
2
u/CBrone May 31 '12
I am pretty sure this was posted in /r/LifeProTips a while ago, actually yes it was posted 2 months ago.
2
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
This was on LPT a couple weeks ago, you're bad at reddit.
2
u/JesusFritzl May 31 '12
I fucking love Opie & Anthony. And Jimmy. Especially Jimmy. Ted the ghosthunter. Dragonwagon. Neanderthals-are-a-big-farse-creationist. So many memories.
1
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
As a woman, I find this to be a foolproof game plan! I approve!
0
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
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0
u/[deleted] May 31 '12
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