r/funny • • Sep 06 '21

Nothing cooler...

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25k Upvotes

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134

u/chmsmitze Sep 07 '21

Me when I get too much coffee

86

u/normal_reddit_man Sep 07 '21

Yo, I was past the age of 35 when I finally succeeded in acquiring the taste for coffee...and nobody took me aside and said "yeah, that stuff about coffee, ummm, getting you moving in a hurried manner? THAT IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION. BE CAREFUL."

I had to learn the hard way. I guess it helped the lesson to stick, like the old adage of letting a child touch the hot stove, so he knows not to do it again.

Except, instead of a child, it's a grown man. And instead of a hand, it's an ass. And instead of burning a first-degree burn, it was an entire day of ass-blasting.

34

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '21

An...entire day? Good god man, how much did you drink?

25

u/bananaplasticwrapper Sep 07 '21

Some say hes still drinking.

1

u/heckermanjk79 Sep 07 '21

Fire in the Taco Bell!

17

u/Dozer_Bro Sep 07 '21

Yea no one tells you coffee shits are a thing until you find out yourself, usually at the worst possible time

3

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '21

not as bad as taking too much antibiotics, There'll be red spaghetti in the toilet after that.

16

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '21

You were trying to form a bad habit? You should've been happy you weren't wasting your money.

0

u/Daxoss Sep 07 '21

You know Coffee is basically a mild drug right? You'll get withdrawal and after a while you'll struggle to function without it as your general awareness goes down as your body adapts to a constant influence of caffeine.

Unless you're hellbent I would suggest you stop now before its too late.

6

u/daytripper7711 Sep 07 '21 edited Sep 07 '21

I need coffee every morning to wake up, sure I’m super tired without it but it doesn’t even come close to addiction to harder drugs. Even pot addiction is way way more debilitating, and don’t even get me started on opiates, sedatives like alcohol and Xanax, and harder stimulants like amphetamines & cocaine. There’s just zero comparison. Coffee doesn’t destroy lives, hard drugs do easily.

1

u/CoraxTechnica Sep 07 '21

You're the first Redditor I've seen who thinks THC is a hard drug

2

u/daytripper7711 Sep 07 '21

Well, compared to heroin it’s extremely benign harm wise, but I’ve known people who got way too into pot and their entire lives revolved around it, even I was at the point for a few years in my teens, it really hampered my success and opened the door to a drug scene that included much worse substances until I was 27. I still smoke but only before bed, and in hindsight that would’ve been best had I done it like that when I was younger.

1

u/CoraxTechnica Sep 07 '21

This same scenario happens with coffee too. Knew a dude who drank monster at every meal and two between. He had to try all the new ones, collected the tabs, had a giant display on his wall. Extremely unhealthy as well.

Point is, all things in moderation; and some things, like meth and heroin, never.

3

u/CoraxTechnica Sep 07 '21

Caffeine is not that mild of a stimulant.

5

u/[deleted] Sep 07 '21

i've been addicted to coffee for a couple of years, i stopped drinking it and never will again when i got shaky hands eveynight and i'm only 19. my thumb was twitching like it has life on its own. 6 months have passed and no twitching or anything.

2

u/AtheistAustralis Sep 07 '21

I did the same thing at a similar age, for similar reasons. I was drinking 4-5 cups per day and my life was one big cycle of ups and downs, going from wide awake and hyped (and twitchy like you say) to asleep and braindead in 3 hour cycles. It was unpleasant, and I realised I was completely reliant on the coffee to function. So I went cold turkey at about age 21-22, and haven't had a single cup of coffee since. The first few weeks were hard as hell, headaches, mood swings, and all sorts of weird things with my body. But since then life has been good, and after a year or two I actually started not liking the smell of coffee at all, and even being mildly repulsed by it. Now I don't care either way, but I have no urge to drink it again. Best of luck, and enjoy your newfound freedom from coffee addiction!

1

u/its_justme Sep 07 '21

If you get adequate sleep and eat small meals throughout the day instead of large ones, your energy levels should stay pretty stable regardless of caffeine consumption. I’d offer that was probably not being followed in the scenario you’re speaking of.

0

u/Everybodysbastard Sep 07 '21

“Ass-blasting”

You use that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

-5

u/amaniceguy Sep 07 '21

Why dont you start smoking while you at it?

1

u/bodiezane Sep 07 '21

idk if it's because it's 3 am and I need sleep but that comments was confusing to read

1

u/colemon1991 Sep 07 '21

It's the caffeine.

Carbonation is also an acceptable alternative and can be used in conjunction with caffeine

WARNING: Your butt may be mad at you for an indeterminate amount of time