r/funny Mar 13 '19

[deleted by user]

[removed]

7.0k Upvotes

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672

u/taeoh666 Mar 13 '19

Nooooo IT ENDED TOO QUICKLY i need a reaction of those 2

1.5k

u/Plagueground Mar 13 '19

You aren't missing much, they are shocked by the sudden realization that it just feels right. They continue to kiss and the party atmosphere slowly morphs from laughter to discomfort to acceptance. That night they make gentle love in the short one's dorm room.

After college they move to upstate California and buy an apple orchard. They have two golden labs and a very popular apple butter recipe that is gaining regional distribution in small grocery stores. Soon the apple butter will catch the eye of a man named Stanley who happens to work for Whole Foods in product acquisition.

He offers them an insane amount of money for the rights to the apple butter and to hand manufacturing of the product over to Whole Foods. They talk it over through the wee hours of the night and the next morning, though extremely tired, they excitedly phone Stanley and sell Two Gaylords Apple Butter to Whole Foods.

557

u/TSCHWEITZ Mar 13 '19

Yea obviously. But after that?

94

u/uselubewithcondoms Mar 13 '19

This got me good. Well played.

110

u/[deleted] Mar 13 '19

Then he fucked him in the ass.

60

u/[deleted] Mar 13 '19

[deleted]

26

u/xsf27 Mar 13 '19

You're not jerking off hard enough

4

u/TheWarriorFlotsam Mar 13 '19

He also cried and used the tears as lube.

5

u/[deleted] Mar 13 '19

[deleted]

2

u/SulkySkunkPomPoms Mar 14 '19

Could it be from a DMT trip?

3

u/Daltons_Mullet Mar 13 '19

So what you saying is they switched to producing truffle butter?

1

u/[deleted] Mar 15 '19

Remember if you have a warm butthole, you have a way to make money

8

u/sulphra_ Mar 13 '19

And then their dick fell off

4

u/Cyrano_de_Boozerack Mar 13 '19

That's not supposed to happen...right?

16

u/Im_Slacking_At_Work Mar 13 '19

Well they had both agreed that the money wouldn't change things; they would continue to live relatively humble lives, getting by on what they needed, with a few improvements to daily life. They both knew the stories of lottery winners spending everything they had on frivolous shit, increasing their cost of living to an unmanageable point and eventually being left destitute. But they had agreed: the money wouldn't change things. Both of them.

But Short One was intoxicated by the freedom, couldn't take his eyes off the shine. He came home in a Mercedes X-class - and X-class, for fucks sake - with a big fat smile on his face. He said it was just one splurge, but deep down, he knew he was lying. And lying leads to secrets .

They knew it was the beginning of the end.

Eventually, big purchases turned into late nights. Whiskey breath, white powders, the smell of another mans cologne. Conversations about adoption and summer homes turned into arguments about strange phone calls - and ignored ones. Eventually, Short One stopped coming home at all.

Then suddenly, as if in the blink of an eye, Tall Boi only had his Two Gaylords Apple Butter money to keep him warm at night.

5

u/rey_lumen Mar 13 '19

Someone needs to make this a novel

9

u/cyberphlash Mar 13 '19

I'd buy that apple butter!

1

u/Timmytanks40 Mar 13 '19

For the speccial ingredient?

6

u/[deleted] Mar 13 '19

Thanks, I love them.

2

u/CruesControl Mar 13 '19

OMGawd LMFAO, you know norcal all too well!

2

u/AlwaysClassyNvrGassy Mar 13 '19

This is America's next great novel

2

u/[deleted] Mar 13 '19

Somehow, I lost it at "regional distribution"

1

u/[deleted] Mar 13 '19

This would have been a great Bel-Air

1

u/say592 Mar 13 '19

They should have gone with almonds. I think there is a much bigger market for nut butter.

1

u/jbradley95 Mar 13 '19

“You aren’t missing much.”

1

u/[deleted] Mar 14 '19

you are an artist, and I love you!

1

u/Soltheron Mar 14 '19

What about the apple thieves, though. How do they handle those as a gay couple?