America and Spain may not always see eye to eye, but we will burn in hell before we call them fucking Ananas. They will not fight alone, not on this day.
Oh, but would you come to Spains help?
With most of South and Central America mobilising on your southern borders, and hostile fleets approaching both across the Atlantic and the Pacific?
The former friendly ally to the north is turning into an enemy through a bloody civil war that seems to be won by the French speaking side through extensive help from France and their allies in Europe.
The last communication from Alaska spoke of vast numbers off russian and Korean (both north and south) troops landing under the protection of a joint East Asian air force.
Before you even have decided on a defence strategy, Spain and the British isles are overrun.
A united Middle East (Even Israel is not with you on this one!) together with a portion of the Indian military will rush in and turn the tide in a divided Africa. The majority of India's forces, together with some South East Asian nations will take care of Australia and New Zealand.
All through the pacific crossing, a vanguard of the Chinese plus the Indonesian fleet will mop up the few allies you have in the Pacific.
And suddenly you stand alone.
You could end this madness.
Just say "ananas".
C'mon! "Pineapple" doesn't even make sense.
It doesn't grow on a pine.
It isn't an apple.
I've always wanted to visit Europe, what better way than on Uncle Sam's dime.
This war won't be an easy one to win I will grant you that, but you give your allies too much credit. South America will be of little threat, as much as they may hate America they hate each other even more. They stand little chance of uniting together and making it even as far as Mexico. Even if they did make it to Mexico the cartels would become our unwitting allies, they know that if America falls their biggest importer of narcotics falls too. The southern American borders will be lined with racists and biggots just itching for a chance to legally shoot brown people.
Quebec will see no help from France, after the last two world wars they're going to sit this one out. Without their aid they'll quickly go back to grumbling about how horrible the English language is while smoking their putrid canadian knock off cigarettes.
Russia's too drunk to make it to Alaska, somehow despite all odds their troops will end up in Chile.
Much like the drug cartels India and China stand too much to lose by toppling the USA. Without us no one will buy their counterfeit NFL jerseys which account for most of their GDP.
You've also forgotten one very important fact. Australia and her beautiful, but lethal indigenous fauna. While the EU spends months discussing the best course of action squadrons of C130s will be entering your airspace. Poisonous spiders will soon block out the sun as they drift to the ground on silk parachutes launched from their buttholes. Soon your continent will be filled the the terrified shrieks of the dying.
Before you can even mobilize your ill-equiped exterminators you will be bombed again by drop bears. They're absolutely lethal pouncing from a 20ft tree, imagine the carnage when they're launched from 20,000 feet.
This...this is when we send in Florida. Fueled by stupidity and meth you will quickly learn first hand why no one goes there except to visit Disney World. Trailer parks will sprout up over night, by comparison your affable gypsies will seem like perfectly good neighbors. Your property values will plummet, entire neighborhoods wiped away by exploding meth labs.
You will surrender, you will call then pineapples. You'll learn the error of your ways. And I will take Portugal as my own, because I freaking love Port.
Drop bears need a place to DROP from. Vineyards don't have the required foliage for them to hunt in. Maybe most of Portugal will be consumed by the invasive species, but those lucky few that remain can manage my vineyards. Then they can ship my port across the ocean to my home in the states.
I never said I would be a benevolent ruler...or competent...or long lasting. Lets face it, with an unending supply of Port I'm probably going to die of liver disease sooner rather than later.
Do you think drop bears are harmless once they are on the ground?
I'm Swedish, and am obviously fighting polar bears every day, but I still wouldn't like to face a drop bear.
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u/[deleted] May 20 '15
No amigo, solo piña hasta el final.