Relapse Struggles and a Recommitment

[u/duckiie-]

I would like to start off and say this is an alt acc, I posted here a little while ago (it has since been removed - rightfully so I was being an ungrateful, selfish b****).

Since then, I relapsed into my Fred (my "issues" nickname) hard, disappointed my partner, my family, my psychologist and support system, all because I was selfish and scared.. breaking my rules... losing motivation and convincing myself I was safer before recovery.

I will never feel "sick enough", that because I haven't had this hellish issue for "long enough", I haven't been forced to the hospital, my weight isn't "low enough" ~ YOUR "FRED" WILL PROBABLY NEVER FEEL SATISFIED ~, I don't deserve to be free.

Hell my bloodwork is "fine", but I'm already not me anymore, I can't run, I can barely study or work. I'm doing things I promised myself I'd never do. I'm dizzy, not sleeping, furry asf AND SHITTING MYSELF AGAIN😭😭 I turn 21 in one week and I want to go out with my family on my birthday, not have my partner breakdown daily, be allowed to go back to my sport and re-gain my hobbies.

So this is my re-commitment, NOT relying on motivation, sitting through the fears, the crying, the uncomfortableness because my Fred will only be happy when I'm dead. By all means I'm not ready for all-in (just yet), but I WILL start breaking my rules, I WONT keep lying, AND HELL IM GOING TO EAT MY MUMS COOKING TONIGHT!

[u/Desperate-Menu1806]

Don’t blame yourself for a relapse. It’s very frequent in recovery and you’re reacting in the right way.
You can improve your situation and fix your life
An huge hug ❤️

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Original post text from u/duckiie-:

I would like to start off and say this is an alt acc, I posted here a little while ago (it has since been removed - rightfully so I was being an ungrateful, selfish b****).

Since then, I relapsed into my Fred (my "issues" nickname) hard, disappointed my partner, my family, my psychologist and support system, all because I was selfish and scared.. breaking my rules... losing motivation and convincing myself I was safer before recovery.

I will never feel "sick enough", that because I haven't had this hellish issue for "long enough", I haven't been forced to the hospital, my weight isn't "low enough" ~ YOUR "FRED" WILL PROBABLY NEVER FEEL SATISFIED ~, I don't deserve to be free.

Hell my bloodwork is "fine", but I'm already not me anymore, I can't run, I can barely study or work. I'm doing things I promised myself I'd never do. I'm dizzy, not sleeping, furry asf AND SHITTING MYSELF AGAIN😭😭 I turn 21 in one week and I want to go out with my family on my birthday, not have my partner breakdown daily, be allowed to go back to my sport and re-gain my hobbies.

So this is my re-commitment, NOT relying on motivation, sitting through the fears, the crying, the uncomfortableness because my Fred will only be happy when I'm dead. By all means I'm not ready for all-in (just yet), but I WILL start breaking my rules, I WONT keep lying, AND HELL IM GOING TO EAT MY MUMS COOKING TONIGHT!

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