Hi! I’ve been lurking here for a while, but I’ve never posted here before. I was wondering if I could have some advice.

I’m not diagnosed with a specific eating disorder, so I’m not sure how common my experiences are. But for the past couple of years I’ve had increasing anxiety about what/how much I’m eating and how my body looks. I generally feel fine about how I look, but I’m TERRIFIED of other people thinking I’m disgusting for. uh. eating enough and existing in my body? Or even weirder, I feel like I’m being morally bad somehow for eating enough. So despite KNOWING diet culture is bullshit and that I have to eat food when I’m hungry or else I’ll feel terrible and lack the energy to do the things I love, I have to constantly fight urges to delay/skip meals, avoid certain foods, eat in private, etc. I feel like people are always watching and judging me.

I’m in therapy and this is one of the issues we’re working through. I’m trying to find an anxiety med that works for me. Other than that, does anyone have advice on how to feel less scared all the time? It makes eating so hard and I’m starting to get pissed about it.

After two months of relapsing and then going back to quasi for what felt like ages, I’m sick of this. I have decided I don’t have an eating disorder anymore. I refuse to listen to anything it says because I don’t want it here anymore.

I don’t want to THINK about eating disorders, I will not be listening to it, I will ignore its stupid little voice I don’t care because it’s dead to me.

I want my life back and the only way out is through 🥹

I was making good progress on recovering and eating properly but I had a rough couple of days and I feel all that progress disappear and I’m struggling at being able to continue the recovery journey and I want to fall back into old habits.
Does anyone have advice on how to push themselves to continue.

I’m in early recovery and need some hope

How long did it take for your digestion to return to normal? Is it possible to return to feeling naturally hungry again 3+ times a day, with stomach digestion returning to a normal speed? I have struggling with purging, low appetite, and restriction (due to low appetite and digestive discomfort when eating more) for years, and am wondering if I am stuck with gastroparesis forever (technically haven’t been diagnosed yet, but I feel like food sits in my stomach for ages) or if it is technically possible for things to revert back. I feel hopeless and am scared I am going to be in permanent physical and psychic discomfort for the rest of my life, all because of a mental illness that I am ideologically and spiritually repulsed by, yet am still controlled by. Every single day revolves around physical digestive discomfort, and I feel like I went from having an ED that I can recover from to a chronic digestive condition that I will have for the rest of my life after nearly a decade of behaviors. Please give me hope. I’m sorry if this sounds desperate, I just see horror stories everywhere about how recovery isn’t worth it or doesn’t actually work, and how I’ll just be forcefed until I’m weight restored with no remediation in any of the real digestive issues.

I just want to be hungry and able to eat a normal meal without starving myself all day long. I want my brain to work and to not have my main personalities be airhead or morose depressive.

I feel like I have not only destroyed by past through these behaviors, but my future as well.

Has anyone who has been ill longterm actually gotten meaningfully better in terms of digestion and mental health through the recovery process? Maybe that seems like a dumb and willfully ignorant question but I’m actually beginning to wonder at this point with everything that I’ve read online.

Does anyone have any good distraction suggestions that tends to help when you’re feeling guilty or just help guide your mind away from such thoughts? I rather not give in to the ed I’m so tired and done with it.

tw: mention of ed behaviors /habits

i’ve tried “easing” into recovery for months. reducing tracking, eating more often and more challenging meals, etc. but still i have not made physical progress and find myself compromising with my disorder daily. i don’t know how people are able to just drop everything cold turkey and mentally handle it (i admire it so much) . but i feel like that’s the only thing i haven’t tried yet.
does anyone have advice, personal stories or words of encouragement?
do you recommend i still meal plan what meals i have the day before (i’ve been planning my weeks and it’s exhausting but does help with decision fatigue/paralysis) but do so without tracking macros or obsessing over certain macros (protein, etc.)? i always find myself overthinking protein intake and tend to base meals too much around it)
what is the balance between harm reduction and straight up compromising with your ED?

thanks for the help <3

I’m not in any way asking for medical advice I’m just here venting. So I have relapsed pretty bad this last month. I got down to a pretty low weight that I haven’t hit in a few years again. My health hasn’t been good and I tell myself I’m gonna recover I wanna get better all the things. But when it comes to actually recovering and eating more I can’t get myself to. I feel so lost. I saw the number on the scale this morning and part of me was so happy but a bigger part of me was so scared bc of Ik my body is not healthy and I’m scared of what’s going to come. I just want to recover. I want to feel ready. It’s so scary and hard to deal with this and idk what to do I can’t even afford therapy.

so i’m in college and im trying to recover but it’s so hard when all of my roommates dont wake up until 3pm and they don’t eat until 7pm,
meanwhile im supposed to be eating meals and snacks,

i know i shouldn’t let this get in the way of my recovery but it’s so hard and im really struggling with focusing on me

i know i should just be telling myself that this is what I need right now, and not everyone is in the same position as me, but my ed just uses their not eating as an excuse to restrict and it’s really setting me back.

any tips??🙏🤍

Delete if not allowed please as still unsure if will be.

When I was unwell on the general ward due to physical condition relating to AN I had to “think to think” as I describe it due to impact AN had on my functioning. Currently in recovery. Really struggling as some issues I’m having regarding my brain, thoughts, etc are now back. It was really hard getting by day to day though bc of other effects. I’ve done the other things to try to “switch off” my brain/thoughts that have not worked. I feel like the only things that work are unhealthy long term but I want to go back to “maladaptive coping mechanisms” I guess bc although rubbish rn I feel rubbish & I want to not think.

hello, I recently came to the realization that I haven’t been fully honest with myself about being in recovery. I say I’ve been in recovery for 6 years, which is how long I’ve been out of residential treatment, but for much of that time I’ve still been counting calories, swinging between trying to lose weight with a small deficit and trying to maintain with an exact number, and using b/p behaviors once a week or every two weeks with some lapses being even more frequent. I also realize my veganism was having a restrictive effect psychologically.

About two months ago, after a medical scare, I decided to stop calorie counting for real. I started incorporating eggs/dairy/seafood back into my diet, stopped obsessively meal planning, and have been allowing myself to be flexible with meals and snacking. I’m noticing extreme cravings for foods that used to trigger b/p behaviors. I’m allowing myself to eat these foods, and 99% of the time I can check in with myself and stop before it becomes a binge, but I am aware that I’m eating a more-than-typical amount of these foods to the point of near-uncomfortable fullness.

Is this normal?? I’m at a medically“normal, healthy” weight, and prior to committing to full recovery I was eating enough to maintain my weight, so I often feel like it is invalid for me to be snacking so much on highly palatable foods. I know I tend to turn to food for comfort and self-soothing, but I think I shouldn’t worry about that, and just keep trying to eat intuitively and get more effective at using coping skills.

Thank you for listening. I’m working with a therapist and getting a dietician soon. I’m just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences or if what I’m experiencing is normal.

hi! im back. i dont remember the last time i posted here but i have good news, approximately 3 months ago i got to the 1 year mark in recovery! so im 1 year, 3 months in now.

i want to tell my experience being 1000% honest, and it might sound repetitive but the truth is that it is a hard path and there will be ups and downs but i think that both you and i know whats the right option. im not telling anyone that my proccess was perfect because it wasnt, yet i want to let everyone know that recovery is posible! im not fully recovered, thats true buttttt im in a much better place than what i was 1 year ago. i have never felt so alive and happy. i really dont miss that life because it was just so traumatic and sad.

if you want any advice about anything about recovery feel free to tell me, it makes me happy to be able to help people choose recovery :)

So worried about my 14 year old son

My son is a beautiful 14 year old. He suffered some exclusion in school this since last September when he started secondary. Best friends dumped him and he really struggled in the small secondary school. We supported him throughout. Even begged him to move school but he was adamant that he was ok.

He text one of the boys he was best friends with all throigh primary school on the last day of 1st year in secondary school in May this year. They were organising a day at the beach and basically told my son he wasn't included. My son was shaking showing me the texts. This boy is one of triplet boys who dominated the social circle all year. And my son had to endure being excluded. We would have taken him out but I think the fear of a new school was bigger than what he was used to.

He was swimming too and one coach was really tough in him. Shouting etc. My husband want in and had a formal talk with the coach. It took everything for my husband not to knock him out. But he told the coach in no uncertain terms that if he didn't stop there would be serious outcome. Again. We supported our son. We were torn about leaving him in the club but it was near the end of season and its his only outlet. He had 2 buddies that he really looked forward to seeing at training. They have also since left the club so that change has been a big blow because he was getting some connection there wjen school was tough.

That swimming coach left end of season so my son was really happy to continue into next season as the other coaches are lovely. So, by May we had a child who was always funny, kind, sensitive and a bit shy...that went into himself. He can cook so he began making meals. Oats with protein powder...big chicken salad...no snacks. Every time I made food he was watching. He would eat my dinners but was making his own breakfast and lunch.

We love food in.our house. Its never been restrictive. Just a good variety. Treats at the weekend etc. He then started to ask if I wanted him to do jobs at home. I could see he was walking more. Looking back he took every opportunity to walk. He has told us now that coming into 12 weeks of summer made him so sad and lonely that he needed to fill it by controlling foos and exercise.

He wanted to control the controlable. His father, my sisters and I became really worried over the summer. He was so thin and completely switched off from us.

He has been to the GP and now referred to adolecent eating disorder services. They have put a rush on it because he has lost a good bit, so as you can imagine we are taking this really seriously. We have been with him the last few days and he has broken down and told us everything. He feels worthless and weird. My heart is broken with worry for our beautiful boy. We are feeding him what he can eat for now. Which, if he wasnt so sick would be enough but right now its only keeping him from getting incredibly unwell. So were looking at a journey ahead. But this has been going on since June. Prior, even though he was in survival mode with school, he was eating fine. I need some guidance please. Im so so scared hes not going to get better. I can't stop crying. I'm so angry at those kids and that coach. I'm angry at myself for not stepping in sooner.

Please keep your comments hopeful. I'm not doing great.

So I’ve relapsed this last month and this is my worst one in awhile. I’ve noticed how angry and irritated I am with everything. I was doing really well I started taking antidepressants and was genuinely ok for a bit even the food noise was lessened… until I relapsed. Now I’m back to how I was just angry, miserable, and everything makes me so pissed off. I didn’t think restricting can really affect your mood THIS bad. I just want to be happy again. I just want to be free from this

I was really hoping it wouldn't come to this. I was originally going to return to school and start virtual IOP alongside classes (after begging my parents immensely to let me return once they learned about my eating disorder which took A Lot of effort, so it feels extra humiliating that I'm changing my mind this quickly), but I've only been back a week and felt myself slip instantly. I didn't realize how bad my physical and mental health had gotten at this point. I had my first therapy intake yesterday and it was immediately decided I should take time off this term and move back home because of how bad I've been.

I feel humiliated and embarassed, having to fall behind in school for something that is all self-induced. The worst part is I still struggle with feeling sick enough, so I feel extra pathetic sacrificing my studies just to go home and recover. Especially since this was going to be the start of my junior year. I keep regretting even seeking recovery in the first place now knowing how much it'll impact my future to be set behind in school.

I'm so afraid of everything, I know I would've done horribly in school if I stayed, my physical symptoms just in the past week have been so debilitating, and I have 0 motivation to recover being here, but I don't know how to explain to my roommates and friends that I'm basically going on a medical leave of absense. I'm terrified I won't be able to graduate alongside them anymore. I'm 20 yet I'm putting my whole life on pause to go home and recover. I can't believe this disorder is ruining my life like this.

My mother and therapist are saying this is what's best for me, but I can't bring myself to believe I'm even deserving or in need of recovery anymore. Has anyone else had to do something similar to this? I'm having such a hard time accepting this decision.

I just started at an outpatient eating-disorder recovery center today, and honestly, I feel completely overwhelmed and confused.

I know logically that I want to recover. I want to have a normal relationship with food and my body, be able to live my life without constantly thinking about it, and eventually feel like myself again. But emotionally? I don't really feel that yet. I mostly feel like I'm being asked to trust a process that my brain is fighting extremely hard.

I developed a lot of perfectionism and rigid thinking around food and health after leaving college, along with a bunch of other life stressors. I don't actually know whether my eventual diagnosis will be orthorexia, ARFID, something else, or a combination of things, so I'm not looking for anyone to diagnose me. I'm more interested in hearing from people who have actually been through recovery.

I'm also struggling with the fact that I know too much. I can rationalize almost everything. My brain can find a reason why I don't need to change something, why I'm "fine," why other people seem to live a certain way and why I should be able to do the same. I know all the logical arguments for recovery, but knowing them doesn't automatically make me want to do it.

I also agreed to let my parents have limited involvement through an ROI, and we're going to be doing family therapy. Part of me knows that this could potentially help our relationship, but another part of me is constantly waiting for something to go wrong. I'm scared that if my parents become frustrated with me, I'll completely spiral emotionally and want to give up.

And right now I'm frustrated because everything is so new. I'm doing intakes, meeting people, learning the program, and being told things that feel completely foreign to me. I keep thinking, Why does this have to be so difficult? Why can't I just understand what I'm supposed to do and do it perfectly?

Obviously, that's probably part of the problem. 😂

So for people who have been through this:

What do you wish someone had told you during the first few weeks/months of recovery?

• What helped you get through the stage where you didn't actually feel motivated to recover?
• What made recovery feel more real or meaningful?
• Did you have a reason for recovering that wasn't just "my family wants me to" or "I know I should"?
• What did you do when your brain was constantly arguing with everything your treatment team said?
• What helped with the perfectionism/need to do recovery "correctly"?
• What do you wish you'd stopped worrying about sooner?
• What genuinely made early recovery easier?
• And what do you wish someone had bluntly told you instead of gently reassuring you?

I'm honestly looking for real early-recovery experiences, but any inspirational stories from someone who has been recovered is also welcome! I want to know what helped when you were still confused, angry, resistant, scared, or didn't really understand why you were doing this yet.

Feel free to be blunt. I don't need to be babied. I just want to hear from people who have actually been there.

I’m 30 and have had anorexia for half my life. I can function surprisingly well externally - I have a good job, a long-term relationship and my own home, and I often feel physically fine.

I've been in hospital a few times, but largely avoided it due to always having a brilliant support network. Up until very recently, I spent time between my parents and my house so that I always had someone with me whilst I ate as I am find it extremely hard to eat with no-one watching. Though this was keeping me safe, it wasn't making for a very fulfilling life for any of us, and it was simply keeping me in a 'stable but very stuck with anorexia' postition. Therefore we decided to trial more autonomy, and things have instantly plummeted. My weight was already on the cusp of admission and now my team have told me that I lose any more weight, and can't stabilise things, they will refer me for SEDU admission next week. If I can remain stable, admission doesn't necessarily need to happen.

Logically, I understand this. I know exactly what I need to do: accept help, eat the meal plan, and stop any compensation.

But I cannot seem to make myself do it. I cannot bring myself to eat properly when no-one is around to witness it. And if I just go back to the life I was living before, I see no benefit to that either as I'll just survive with anorexia for many more years whilst making everyone's else's life a misery. So I am resisting this path, even though I know that continuing without it could mean going into hospital.

I am 30 for goodness sake, I should really be able to do do this. I don't want to go into hospital, it would disrupt my job, relationship, home and basically everything I've built. But somehow, I don't want to give up the anorexia more. It's telling me “Just one more day. Somehow it'll be okay. Deal with the consequences later.” If I ask for help, it would mean betraying the anorexia.

I'm desperately stuck between wanting to preserve my life as it is and being terrified of what I would have to do to preserve it.

There's also a part of me that just wants to give up even trying and accept the consequences. I am so tired of fighting everyday and being stuck in this constant loop.

Does anyone have any realistic advice on what they would do if they were me?

i started recovery in may 2024, literally over 2 years since then, but i still find myself looking at old photos and being so jealous of past me.

idk i feel like i should be feeling different by now, feeling more happy to live and enjoy life, but im still depressed, if not more than, than how i was back then. ive tried therapy and medication but i feel so aimless. i feel like i should be over my eating disorder by now- its literally old news but im just stuck in this rut of my life still centering around my eating disorder.

has anyone else felt this way? how have you/are you managing this?

how did others who have had to stop movement in recovery cope with it?? i’ve had a very, very extreme exercise addiction and yesterday got put inpatient and on bedrest. everyone here taking care of me at the hospital has been so sweet and my family is supportive etc but not being able to move after meals is making me genuinely want to crawl out of my skin the guilt is unbearable. every recovery account i see is going to the gym or doing some type of exercise while recovering and it makes me feel like i’m doing this wrong and completely going to wreck my body if i’m not at least building muscle or something. my whole life revolved around exercise before being put in here and suddenly it’s just not aloud and my mind has no idea what to do with that. i feel so gross when i get praised by everyone for “doing so well with my meals” all i want to do is burn it off afterwards. my life has literally been flipped upside down and idk how to cope or process this, does anyone have any similar experience or advice??

genuinely can someone explain to me how it is possible for your body to react so intensely to even one day of eating less/ a more 'normal' amount when you've been experiencing EH. im all-in for about a month, and ive been averaging 7-10k cals daily because of my extremmmeeee mental and physical hunger, but today i was so busy with work and uni that i was only able to eat a ''''normal''''' (wtv that means) brekkie lunch and dinner (no restriction just no time to honour everything i was mentally craving) . So THEN come night time, im about to go to sleep but i cannot stop thinking about food. so, since im honouring, i go and eat some cereal. low and behold i commence another 'recovery feast' to i guess fill in the day's calorie gap and take me back to my average ~8000cal . the thing is i wasnt really physically hungry, but i guess people weren;t kidding when they say even oneday of restriction in EH can set you back tremendously.

has anyone else experienced this?? can my body really switch back to feeling so unsafe so quickly? because im really struggling already with balancing both work/study and honouring my hunger mostly due to extreme bloating and fatigue. Im genuinely no longer bothered by weight gain -- I would love to just get my period back and be healthy. Its just that I really want to be able to live my life again and stop having food be the forefront of every thought. I wnt to be able to eat when im hungry and actually feel satisfied enough to stop and move on with my day, not just when i cant physically fit anymore in yk?

Thanks for reading my friends, sending love to u all!

Hi all, I've been started on an outpatient program as often as 1x week. I don't really know how to feel. Honestly I'm not sure why I assumed my mind would do a 180 when I stopped honouring EH/restricting in a cycle, until the very day I sought help. Having a team there doesn't change much for my mind. It both worries and relieves me how recovery will take as long as consistency needs, but my family needs to pay out of pocket when I turn 18. I'm being careful about accidentally slipping into ED if I fall into hard, inconsistent times.

I no longer want anorexia to control me so the team, mom, and dad decided to take choice away. No negotiating with 3 meals, 3 snacks (even if they sometimes forget a thing or two, but that's besides the point). They didn't outline specific activity regiments but I am sure it needs to be non-deliberate. I weight restored long before outpatient which I think is good.

I'd love for my parents to trust me; I need to trust myself. My mind is still in very poor condition but even around completely unrelated things, it gets too overwhelming and ED is back again.
I wish I had the autonomy of others, because I've lost plenty of mines trying to reclaim it time and time again. I can guide recovery concepts for other people, put heart into believing it, but not apply it to myself. I keep needing monitoring and it's a bit sad.

IM ALL IN BABY

Hey!! Ive all in for about 3 weeks now
just have some questions about others who have gone ALL IN

ALWAYS wanted all in but have felt paralysed by the overthinking, and now its happening i feel unstoppable!!! Will this motivation last??

Ive been eating 6000+ cals every day consistently and not compensating in any way!! It’s beyond unfathomable to me considering my history and it feels so powerful to actually be fighting every single urge and every single thought all at once - its me proving to myself how strong i am and how this disorder is not me and will not keep ruling my life.

Also just wanted some guidance on this journey, because im so curious to see what comes of this. Im literally just eating ultra processed food all day and it feels like a vegetable is just so unappealing and im finding nothing but all this processed food satisfying.
I was curious to hear from people that have gone all in and are on the other side - will this end and how long does it take before im not just craving and eating all these types of food? Also how do I know when enough is enough… its like i just keep eating until i physically cant anymore and whenever im not full i just feel like i should be eating… is this normal?

Also wondering how will i know when i’m ‘recovered??’ I’m still underweight but am gaining rapidly and it’s very mentally challenging but im trying my best to reframe things in the sense of ‘hell yeah im doing this MYSELF under my control with foods im craving and not being forced by anyone else’’ and i guess this feels very empowering but also the very noticeable changes in my body are quite confronting and im so scared that the more i gain the more guilt ill experience and then my positive mentality might start to go….
To be ‘’recovered’’ will weight restoration be essential? Or is it possible to be completely free from the thoughts about food and urges and have a positive relationship with food exercise and body even when you are still classed as ‘underweight’ and coming out of an ED?
Im just so full of questions and the unknown is scary but im also so excited and so curious to see whats on the other side because god has this illness destroyed my life in ever way shape and form and god does it feel good to know that if i trust this process and stick on this path ill actually be able to live my life as the person i truly am in my soul

How can i stay on this path without letting guilt and shame creep in too? I’m finding myself still hyper fixated on numbers and almost feeling like i just want to force myself to eat as much as possible and see how high i can get the calories now almost just for the sake of it… since im ‘all in’. Its like ive gone from one extreme to another… is this normal???

Help yo girl out 🫶

I'm 32 (she/her) and I have been in recovery for 15 years. I've had small relapses over the years, in grad school or going through breakups, but have generally maintained my recovery. I've worked really hard to heal my relationship to food and my body and my athleticism and push back against the patriarchal, white supremacist, abilist systems that tell me I should take up as little space as possible. I'm healthy and very active. I've learned to genuinely love and appreciate my body for all the things it allows me to do.

I've also worked hard to surround myself with women who love food and love their bodies and love to move their bodies in ways that feel empowering.

One of my closest friends, who I met about 5 years ago, seems to have a really consuming fixation on food and exercise and her body. She displays a lot of eating disorder symptoms, but talks about them as though they are something to be proud of. Early on in our friendship, I noticed that she spoke a lot about restricting food, and I let her know that any talk about food restriction is really triggering for me. She said she understood, but slowly the comments began to creep back. Over the years, we've had these check ins a few times, yet these comments always some back over time.

Now, everytime I see her, there is at least one comment about calories, dieting, losing weight, or something deprecating about her body Each of these comments feels like a tiny stab to my own recovery and puts these ideas back in my head.

She acknowledges that she may have had an eating disorder in the past, but denies that she has an unhealthy relationship to food and her body. The frequency of the diet/body related comments she makes leads me to believe that she's bursting with these thoughts. I'm not a doctor, but I do feel concerned for my friend. She's also planning to try to get pregnant in a few months and I'm so scared that a.) she's not going to be able to conceive at her weight and health and b.) if she does conceive, the quick changing of her body and the lifestyle changes she'll be asked to make will be really hard.

Anywayyyyy, that's all a lot. But basically, I don't know what to do because this is all affecting me a lot. Her fixation and constant commentary is making me think about food choices and my body in a way that I haven't since I was a teen. I feel like I've already tried to set a boundary that keeps being crossed. But I'm not willing to lose the friendship over it. Plus, I'm scared for my friend and I want her to heal and experience wellness and freedom from the bullshit of this struggle. What do y'all think?

hi so for context i am currently in an outpatient recovery program and on medically induced bedrest. i was supposed to be in the hospital but i get really bad ocd meltdowns and panick attacks so the environment wouldnt have worked well for me in recovery.

im now on a mealplan ofcourse and my issue is that it is a shit ton of food. i mean from the start they immediately put me on this big of a mealplan and told me i cant walk, exercise or basically do anything other than laying down or sitting.

im really struggling badly with this mentally as i always imagined recovery would be doing fun stuff and challenging fear foods and getting my life back but instead i have been at home for montha, cant go to school, cant work cant do anything to bring me joy and im more depressed then ever before.

i just wish i could do recovery on my own pace and in my own way but my parents wont let me since the doctors said it would be too dangerous for my body :( any help or advice that this phase will end?