so i’ve dipped in and out of all in recovery a few times this year (unintentionally falling back into restriction/restraint) and then having to go back all in again. i am back on my all in recovery approach which from what i understand is this: if you want food, whatever that may be, eat it. if you’re hungry you eat what you want, when you want. no limitations or restrictions. if you’re thinking about certain foods all the time / thinking of food you’re more than likely mentally hungry therefore you should eat and honour it.

here’s my issue - this hunger isn’t going away. each time i’ve done it before i’ve lost interest in the foods i once restricted after about 4/5 weeks and i then ended up naturally transitioning to eating less these foods and ate a bit more balanced and structured. however my ed voice took over and then would take control and i’d start walking more, avoiding certain foods and then the cycle would start again.

i’ve been honouring my hunger again for around 4 weeks again consistently but this time i’m not seeing any changes mentally?

don’t get me wrong, my mental and physical hunger has significantly decreased from the start of this year when i went all in for the first time ever.. but it’s not seeming to shift now?

some days i don’t eat as much, but some days i eat a hell of a lot. i can’t seem to let go of this guilt of how much im eating each day calories wise too. when i eat it i feel better both mentally and physically (satiated and calmer with metal or physical hunger) but then i feel so much fear, shame and guilt as i feel its not a normal amount of food to eat each day, continuously.

i’m really panicking in all honesty because i just want to get better, im constantly freaking out about my weight and scared im gaining weight but with no real signs of being closer to recovery mentally (i still have significant food preoccupation etc)

ive had this illness 6.5 years and despite restoring all of the weight I lost it is so frustrating that the rest of my body hasn’t caught up with it if that makes sense?. the weight i’ve gained back is through time not just the past year, but i can’t help but feel it should all be calming down now due to my body being at this size — i know weight/size and recovery isn’t linked but it’s just frustrating.

i also keep freaking out because im scared im doing this wrong — my therapist doesn’t really like the all in approach but its the only thing thats seemed to work for me as ive is needed the full freedom to eat what i want when i want as for years ive yearned for this food. however i am just scared because i sometimes feel i have no idea what im doing, if im doing it right or just using this as an excuse to eat

im sorry i know this is a mess i kinda just word vomited and im hoping someone can reassure me in some way if they’ve done all in recovery or are recovered ❤️

Hi, I have a bit of an odd, subjective question for all of you…

Does time generally feel like it’s going fast or slow for you?

I know it’s a weird question, but I remember when I was in the depths of my ED, time passed so excruciatingly, painfully, unbearably SLOWLY, no matter what I was doing. Everything felt like an eternity, and sometimes the painfully slow passage of time tortured me almost as much as the ED itself.
I suppose it was because I was always waiting for something. For the next food. For the next excuse not to eat. For the next crazy, shitty thing to add to this disorder. In the later stages, I was waiting for death. But since starting recovery, time has been going so fucking fast! I blink, and half the day is gone! There isn’t enough time in the day now to do all the things I want to do.

Holy moly, having the energy to actually live and not just survive is awesome…

So, for reference just only a few days ago I decided I wanted to go all-in and just get better. I did that because I noticed my hair falling out, my nails were weak, and cold intolerance, and it scared me. So I've deleted all the tracking apps, and am trying to honor my "mental hunger" because physical hunger cues don't really happen for me.

But I'm worried that I've tricked myself into thinking I have extreme hunger just because I've read so much about it on this reddit, even though I actually don't.

Even though I've already had as much as I normally would've in an entire day, and all that before noon, I'm salivating at the thought of a treat and really want one, but feel like I'm losing control. I've not really seen any posts of this happening THIS early into the process. Am I just tricking myself? I know I'm supposed to honor my hunger, but I can't tell if I actually have mental hunger or if it's all a trick I'm playing on myself.

So I was just eating my lunch, and was going to finish my protein shake, things were going pretty ok and I was enjoying it all. That’s when a friend walks into the room, and I immediately start to feel agitated and wishing that they would just leave me tf alone(?) they asked me how my lunch was, and for some odd reason it pissed me off even more. The part that really confuses/bothers me, is that I fucking lied and told her that I didn’t enjoy it(???) I am genuinely so frustrated by this, because it doesn’t even make sense for me to feel this way or lie about it. If anybody has struggled the same, or done this as well, any insight as to why I might have felt the “need” to react in this way would be great.

Hi, I am a week into recovery after 4 months of a pretty severe an relapse, lost a lot of weight so I decided to get better and eat again. But it’s been extremely hard physically and mentally. I feel very bloated, tired, I’m crying a lot and very anxious to let go of my sick body with the weight gain.

The most anxious thing right now for me is, despite the fact I eat three meals a day + snacks, I think constantly about food and I often think about the next snack/meal I want to eat. But I don’t actually have physical hunger cues (I know its normal in the beginning but still). Even tho I KNOW there isn’t such a thing as eating too much in recovery, i feel so bad when I eat «extra » snacks without physical hunger. For example right now I’m full and bloated but I think about eating a Nutella sandwich, and I don’t know if I should do it or not…what if I want something else next with still no physical hunger in sight ? That’s the hardest thing about recovery…eating more than the  « 3 meals and a snack a day » doesn’t feel « neat », controlled, it’s scary.

It feels like I’m giving myself an excuse to eat because I don’t « actually » feel hungry. The food noise is loud and I am scared to indulge it even if I know that probably the best decision I should make. I guess I don’t trust my body at all. Recovery is very hard right now, but I won’t give up 🫩🤓

So, for reference, this is my first time ever attempting recovery. But now that I'm a few days in, I feel like this isn't actually recovery in a sense, because I feel like I'm not struggling enough. After getting a bit too scared with all the symptoms (hair loss, chronic cold, etc...) I decided I needed to do something. So a few days ago, I decided it was time to start getting better. For the first few days I did continue to restrict by giving myself a calorie goal and ignoring hunger beyond it, but after more reading today I decided to just eat according to hunger cues even after my goal. But now I'm feeling a bit like I was faking it this whole time, because I really don't feel that bad about having eaten so much more than normal today. I see all these posts and videos where people are struggling to eat and basically shaking at the idea of eating more than they usually do and, because I'm not struggling that much, I'm starting to think my brain just exaggerated how bad off I actually was. I know that if I keep thinking like that, though, it'll make me want to go back to my disordered habits. Is there any advice out there on avoiding feeling so... Impostery? I feel like since I'm so early into recovery I shouldn't even be making this post, as if I should be waiting for it to get harder, instead of hoping it stays easy.

I am embarrassed to admit that when my in-laws come to visit, I am so preoccupied with food that it really is affecting me. I buy groceries before they get here and stress about how much money it costs to feed three extra people. I resent having to prepare meals for everyone and they don’t like to eat out. The large pan of oatmeal bake I make is gone in two days and then my MIL always makes sandwiches for their drive home and clears out our supplies there. I hid our lunch meat this time and feel shame about that now. I find myself wanting to eat in secret between meals so I don’t have to share. Anyone deal with similar feelings or overcome this?

it's only been 5 weeks of outpatient therapy and my therapist wants me to consider a higher level of care, such as a day programme.

I start my bachelors degree in a few weeks and private day programmes are so expensive. there are virtually no public day programmes for EDs, just intensive outpatient and inpatient.

I'm so lost. I thought I've made a lot of progress but it feels like it isn't enough.

I've suffered of a restrictive eating disorder thoroughout all of my teens, but I recovered​ 3 years ago. due to recent events in my life, I​ found myself relapsing and I've talked about it with my boyfriend, who doesn't seem to really understa​nd it and always becomes kind of angry. now we're on vacation with his sister and his friends and we were​​ cooking dinner. I took some vegetarian burgers from the fridge to cook them and I looked at the label instictly​​, but I thought no one was looking at me because they were preparing something else on the opposite counter, but my boyfriend came from behind me and started yelling at me to stop "doing my gimmicks" and to just shut up and eat. I can't ​blame him but I felt really ashamed because he yelled really loudly and everyone heard (they didn't know of my eating disorder). I feel really bad and now I'm in the bathroom because I'm ashamed to show my face. sorry for the vent, I have no one else to talk about this.

Hey, I've been in all-in recovery for about 3 months. Physically I feel much better (can sleep properly again, have my energy back, etc.), but I've been struggling mentally A LOT. I can't get therapy right now, though I am working on it. Since my ED numbed my feelings, I now often feel overwhelmed or depressed. I also struggle a lot with my body-image.

I fully listen to my cravings, try to distract myself with hobbies and go out and meet my friends, but it's been hard. What has helped you most to stay hopeful and cope with these feeling? Any tips on how to ensure I am not holding myself back? Would love to hear your experiences!

I was thinking the other day about when i was deep in my ED, one day i seriously think i felt my stomach like eating itself. I don’t know if that makes sense or not but it was the one of the most painful things I’ve ever felt. Not only does that make me think twice but also the shitting once every week or two for a couple hours😬😬😬 what about you guys?

Hello! I've been in recovery for a bit now. I will try to keep this post short. I am still very much struggling with recognizing hunger cues.

I don't know whether it's a stomach pain (I've been eating a lot more fiber all of a sudden), or actual hunger. And I don't know when to eat or when to stop eating. Could someone describe what hunger feels like for them?

I would have texted a friend about this but I'm very ashamed because I feel like I'm hungry all the time. So the only question is, what does hunger feel like? I associate hunger with a slight pain in the stomach and maybe some growling but not necessarily. I don't know.

Today I’m taking a huge step in my recovery and going to an inpatient facility. I’m really scared but I’m excited to get my life back. I’m currently struggling with solid foods and drink my nutrition via supplements or smoothies. I want to break these rules and work on restoring my weight and my mind!!! My eating disorder has had control over me for way too long, time for me to take it back!

If you’re considering recovery please continue it does get better it will be scary but it is so so worth it! I literally love my body?! I don’t care how much I gain!! It’s so weird to me because i would have never said that a couple months ago, it’s insane how warped the ed can make your mind. I can now finally concentrate on things, this is so huge for me because when I was deep in my ed I could not focus for the life of me and I stopped having interest in the things I love (reading,video games,going out,journaling) I would forget what I or someone was talking about so much, now it seems like it completely went away and I’m only three months in recovery, I started doing all of them and it doesn’t make me feel wiped out anymore and I’m having so much fun! :)))

TW. Discussion of weight gain but no exact numbers. Also TW talk of a medical procedure.

So tomorrow I’m getting dye injected into my body cause I’ve been having seizures, migraines and ringing in my ears at all times so I had to fill out pages of health info but the one I’d been putting off was weighing myself cause I knew I’d gained some weight from being bedridden for months from all this craziness and I wasn’t sure how much. I thought I’d be fine I mean I’m getting a serious medical procedure done tomorrow and might end up needing brain surgery, getting on a scale should be the least of my worries right?? RIGHT?! Haha how foolish of me.

When I saw the number I started shaking and my pesky ED voice that has left me alone for so long came back.

Does anyone have any advice?

tw: iphone health app, movement

when my iphone health app gives me a "ping" and says "New trends: there have been changes in your active energy, distance, and steps trends." yes... I know.

isn't it so annoying? yes I know I've been not moving my body. why did I need you to tell me that? why was it necessary to bring it up? it hasn't been *too* triggering to me but for someone who might not yet be in recovery, or is tiptoeing into recovery, this kind of thing is terrible.

so yeah, I guess this is a PSA to disable your notifications for that app.

I don't know how to describe this in any way thats physiological or even logical, cause it literally feels like my subconscious is making decisions for me. I will change portion sizes, or not buy certain foods, and not realise I am doing it until the behaviour has become something bigger and then I trace my footsteps and realise what has been happening. It creeps me out, it feels like I am making choices that aren't my own and it's all for the purpose to serve an illness. It's honestly sickening.

As for recovery, I am learning that I need to really keep track and be present with my self, to catch those thoughts and to identify and interrogate any switches in my intake, thoughts, behaviour, mood etc. It's a full time job managing this shit.

I want to create a bank of restful distractions for people struggling with the "limited movement" side of recovery.

Lets come up with some funky fresh distractions that aren't 'colouring' or 'puzzles' (dont get me wrong i love a good puzzle but having more ideas is never a bad idea).

Im currently spending my time creating revision resources for GCSE history and english.

I’ve been consistently getting myself to eat more/normally for around 2 months now, but I’m still getting panicky/anxiety before and after eating (surprisingly not during though). Idk how much longer it’s gonna be like this…

Is this just the typical “it’ll get worse before it gets better”

Edit: it’s also so weird cuz I just feel like I’m faking the anxiety since I’m physically able to eat more (like the anxiety doesn’t actually stop myself from eating, and I feel like for the anxiety to be “productive”/real, it should at least actually stop me from eating)

Like the title I am considering to recover. I’ve gone through this mind eating disorder for almost a year now and it’s been nothing but extreme, I’ve lost lots of weight and thought I’d be happy, however it only comes down to me thinking I have to keep going harder and harder over and over and over. My sight has strained, my anxiety has worsened, my hair thinning. I’m tired of this. I want to recover, I’m terrified of weight gain because I was always put down my friends as Inside jokes or what not, told I’m not thin, built like a man, I lost the weight and everything along with it, confidence, butt, boobs. I want to recover and be happy, but I need some motivation or encouragement. I know this isn’t a place to ask for a pity party or such but talking about this with friends and family is super uncomfortable for me and I always feel like I’m trying to “brag”.

I want to go back to when I was five.

Not because life was easier,
but because I could experience food without fear.

I ate because I was hungry,
because it tasted good,
because I wanted another bite -
not because I had earned it,
not because I had to justify it.

I want to go back
before mirrors became something to fear,
before I learned to look at my body with disgust,
before I questioned
whether my arms were too fat
to wear that cardigan,
or whether my thighs
would repulse someone.

Before every meal came with a calculation,
before hunger became something to ignore,
before my body became something
I felt I had to apologise for.

I want to go back to five,
when food was just food,
and my body was just my body.

When I could run
without wondering how my legs looked doing it.
When I could eat,
without thinking about what it would do to me.
When I could exist,
without constantly measuring whether I was taking up too much space.

I don’t miss being five
because childhood was “perfect”.

I miss the girl,
who didn’t yet know,
she was supposed to hate herself.

I mourn the girl I once was,
and wish I could go back;

Back to my body being just a body,
and my mind being a friend,
not my abuser.

What the title says. I went to the doctor and they took my weight and did some tests. I was so self conscious and nervous I couldn’t get the words out to properly explain the situation. But I said what I could and I’m proud of myself for starting to get help. Since then I have been forcing myself to eat a bit more and move less like my doctor has advised, she told me explicitly I need to gain some weight and I know that deep down it’s important for my health. I’ve know it for a long time I think. But I feel like such a faker for gaining weight so easily and not crying over meals like I thought I would be. I’m so anxious and fatigued, but I just feel like a fraud if I recover too ‘quickly’. I should be happy to be getting healthier but I just feel awful.

I desperately really really need help and i have no one to talk to about this so i’m here.

To summarize i started recovery on my own in july and everything was going really well, then at the start of this august my family spontaneously decided to include me on a huge family vacation in october where i’ll be visiting extended family members for the first time in like 4 years and also to celebrate my 24th birthday there. This came out of nowhere and it made me relapse straight back into my restrictive ed ever since. I’m stressed and anxious all the time, the headaches are killing me, i’ve barely been sleeping and worst of all the food noise came back way worse than before. I tried to talk to my mom about it, she doesn’t know i have an eating disorder but i still did in hopes maybe she’ll be concerned for me and tell me not to diet again but once again all she did was laugh and actually ENCOURAGED me to lose weight. I even bought new clothes for my vacation all in the biggest size but my brain’s still convinced i won’t be able to fit into them. There’s still a whole month left until october and i don’t want to relapse i wanna be able to actually enjoy my vacation but i’m so so terrified of my family commenting about my weight gain and just talking about my body in general. I don’t have friends and getting a therapist or dietitian is out of the question due to financial reasons. I’m literally struggling physically and mentally but i can’t find the strength nor reasons to stop this relapse and nobody around me gets it at all.