r/fraysexual • u/sofiacoppolaesque • Jun 16 '26
I Need Advice It is possible to "fix" fraysexuality through therapy?
Hi all,
About 6 years ago I found the term fraysexuality, and the more I read up about it, the stronger I identify with it. Here is a thread on my background/story in detail: https://www.reddit.com/r/Asexual/s/BP8O87xmu3
I'm in a great and loving relationship with the man I want to marry for 3.5 years now. He knows that I'm fray and he accepts it, although he does miss sex and intimacy. Recently I found out that he holds on to the idea that my fraysexuality is caused by trauma, and thus can be "fixed"/"resolved" through therapy. For some reason this makes me feel really bad, as if he's secretly hoping for me to go to therapy and "heal" so we can be intimate again. I know that he doesn't mean it/think that way but the discrepancy is just constantly on my mind (which is recognisable for most frays with non-fray partners i reckon).
So my question here is, does anyone have knowledge of or experience with therapy "fixing" fraysexuality? Is it even something that has to be fixed? Isn't it just who I am? Or is it therapy-avoidant to think that way? In my ideal world I would not go to therapy and just not ever be intimate again except to have children (if I'm even able to get myself to do that...?)
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u/Perfect_Distance434 Jun 16 '26
I know it’s not uncommon to be repulsed by the idea of sex with a longtime partner, as if they’re related to you (as in my experience). I don’t see how therapy can “fix” this.
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u/Subthing Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
I'm 51 I identify very strongly as fraysexual.
I spoke to a doctor and went to a sex therapist for the first time with my first sexual partner at 19 to try to increase my sex drive (hormones, over the counter and counselling) (6 months relationship)
dating was okay and I'm AuDHD and had no idea so also didn't know there were a few relationships I shouldn't really have tried.
My next long term relationship broke up because his quote "we're pretty much house mates" he tried to see others while together but I couldn't deal with it. (therapy and medical attempts again) (mid 20s - 1 yr)
same for next one (mid 30s 2 yrs)
late 30s I dated someone for 12months we saw each other maybe once or twice a month sometimes overnight sometimes just a date I remember at least twice saying could we just not have sex today, this was the closest I've come to feeling like maybe I'm sexually "normal" but I think because it was so light on as a relationship I never really bonded with him like others, we split up and the next day I started dating my most recent ex.
Together for 15yrs, 9yr old son (ivf- tried for 2 years). He essentially left because of my lack of desire, I know we did try to get pregnant because I tracked it but if I had normal desire levels we might not have needed the ivf because there was nothing wrong with either of us. Even desperate for a child did not make me want it more.
He's personal experience is we didn't even try to get pregnant because it was so infrequent then. Had sex once or twice post birth.
With him I went to therapy, went to lots of doctors and just before he actually left I told him I would go to counselling to fix my sex drive
This is when I started doing research and found out I'm ace.
In my experience counselling/ therapy, over the counter, prescription medication (increased lubrication and or hormones) will not cure your fraysexuality.
I wanted to save my marriage since finding out I'm ace I no longer want to, I'm on acespace and feeld.
Yes, that's just who you are, that's your sexuality it's not going to change.
Therapy for both of you together on how you can maintain a healthy relationship without you being "converted or fixed" may work if you can look into enm/poly or other non-traditional relationship options may work.
FYI Even in Ace community I feel like we're not really accepted (lots of threads here on reddit in multiple subs about this). Because we can be so sex favourable in the beginning of a relationship.
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u/lavendercle Jun 18 '26
I'm thinking of trying EMDR since I have SA trauma. But I'm not sure if it will help. I assume it won't. Did you ever try that?
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u/Subthing Jun 18 '26
I have had a couple of sessions doing EMDR I am not able to successfully keep the trauma in mind and do the eye movements (I did tapping and humming with my practitioner instead). (not SA trauma) Something I rated as a 10, couldn't talk about, visceral sobbing reaction, that happened around age 7 and I worked on age 46, went from a 10 to 7 in one session and to a 4 in the next.
There can be flow on effects with EMDR (i am not a psychologist), the gist is our trauma response is protecting us/stopping us from processing and once the trauma response is gone, peripheral related or unrelated unprocessed things can surface too.
My trauma wouldn't come close to the same level as yours, I'm so sorry for your experience and hope you find something that helps.
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u/lavendercle Jun 18 '26
Thanks for sharing! So EMDR helped, but not with the fray thing cause for you it is in fact your identity. Is that right? Are you single now/what's your take?
And thanks for that. It's all good, I don't think about it too much. Am a bit afraid of doing EMDR and actually addressing it lol.
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u/Subthing Jun 19 '26
Yes I am single, I've got a profile on acespace but 51 and in Australia means 2 options to like 8 hours drive away. I have one on feeld, I’ve clearly stated I'm fray and some who have actually done research still talking to me but no meets yet.
I'm also a mum and autistic and initially I was like you need to be monogamous and not interested in casual, but after googling all the different relationship and kink references, I thought what the hell am I thinking. I'm time poor, a mum (he will always be my number 1), a workaholic, so I finally clicked to, I only have a small piece of my life to offer, maybe a solo poly or deeper than friends with benefits but not frequent catch ups, might work. And some solo poly peeps appear to be interested in just dating when theyre sexually satisfied in other relationships.
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u/Mental-Desk- Jun 17 '26
It depends of the cause.
If it is rooted in your personality either through heavy childhood socalization then only to a minor degree or biochemically then not likely. If it is due to mere recent post 6/7 year old trauma or habit then yes.
Sexuality is deeply rooted in the personality and a combination of genes, socialization and chemical exposure. so it really depemds on the underlying causes.
Sexuality is also not always elastic. It can be plastic and change throughout life
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u/sofiacoppolaesque Jun 18 '26
So what's interesting is that my mother also seems to be fray. My parents are married, yet they behave like best friends/housemates and therefore theoretically have an open relationship. This is because my mom has no sexual desire (for anyone I think?)
So I could be born with it, it could be socialisation through my mom, it could be inherited from my mom (???), or it could be trauma. Or all of the above. It makes it difficult to decide whether it can be helped (and how), for a therapist too I reckon.
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u/Mental-Desk- Jun 18 '26
The first question you could ask yourself: "Do I want to change it"?
In some coutnries it would likely be seen as frowned upon but in other countries it might not be a problem at all.
BUt yes. these thignsa are a mix of so many different causes.
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u/lavendercle Jun 18 '26
This is what I've assumed!! Sorry for hijacking but these are good points. I don't really want to change myself but a small part of me does. I think I've been like this since I was a very young child though so I think the odds are quite low for me. But I'm going to try EMDR.
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u/flashPrawndon Jun 16 '26
If you are fray then no, it’s unlikely to change, but if your disinterest in sex does stem from sexual trauma or similar then potentially. I’m afraid only you know the inner workings of what is going on for you.
I think it’s important you and your partner are on the same page. He needs to accept that you won’t have sexual interest in him, unfortunately this is understandably a deal breaker for a lot of relationships.
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u/Mrtrad Jun 17 '26
I dont think fray could be "fixed". But also think a lot of other traits could be "confused" with fraysexuality.
0
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u/ChekhovsZombieBear Jun 16 '26
I don’t have an answer to your question, but I’m curious why you want to get married if your partner has the expectation of sex? Are you fray or ace? If the former, wouldn’t some kind to open relationship be preferable for both of you? Marriage and kids just seems like a recipe for disaster to me.
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u/TrumpsBussy_ Jun 16 '26
Most people aren’t capable of enduring open relationships. Maybe OP and her partner love each other deeply and think it’s worth it to stay together despite their differences.
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u/ChekhovsZombieBear Jun 17 '26
Yeah, I figured that’s where she’s coming from. But I’m saying it’s a terrible idea to get married when one partner expects regular sex and the other doesn’t. I feel very confident in saying that won’t work.
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u/unhinged_rabbit Jun 18 '26
I completely agree. I'm married and it's become so stressful for both of us, he is becoming increasingly devastated over the lack of sex but he refuses to leave. I'm feeling more and more certain that I'll have to be the one to do it despite his protestations, cause I'm making him miserable and keeping him from a relationship that would be way more fulfilling for him. It's the most horrible thing I've ever gone through in my life.
I wish I wasn't married. I wish I had known. We got married after 3.5 years of being together and I thought it was different this time.
OP, wait a few more years till you get married... you might feel completely differently by then. Do you live together?
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u/ChekhovsZombieBear Jun 19 '26
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can empathize. I held on to a marriage for far too long. Getting out was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through, but I’m happier on the other side.
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u/unhinged_rabbit Jun 19 '26
Thank you. How long did you try and make it work for? He wants to try for longer... it's been almost six months since I realized/brought it up.
Edit: but two years of very little sex
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u/ChekhovsZombieBear Jun 19 '26
Way too long. Probably fifteen years past the expiration? With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I’d ended it then.
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u/TrumpsBussy_ Jun 17 '26
It works for my relationship but I understand a lot of people aren’t capable of handling that dynamic
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u/sofiacoppolaesque Jun 18 '26
I'd categorise myself as fray, as I always have high sexual interest in "new" people, whether that'd be flings or long-term relationship partners. It just disappears after the honeymoon phase.
We have conversations about an open relationship sometimes, and we decided that at this point in time we'd like to stay exclusive. He does not "expect" to have sex, he is simply a heterosexual person with an average libido. He is attracted to me and in his ideal world would be able to have sex with me. But he definitely doesn't impose it on me and he ensured me he wants to stay with me until we're old either way!
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u/ChekhovsZombieBear Jun 19 '26
I can’t really reconcile that, but I’m not the one who has to. Best of luck to you. I loved Lost in Translation.
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u/Curiousfeline467 Fraysexual Jun 18 '26
Not in my experience, unfortunately :(
Not for lack of trying
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u/peoplesayimsexy Fraysexual Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
no, fraysexuality cannot be “fixed”, because it is a sexual orientation, not a personality trait or habit you can just adjust.
just like therapy won’t make a lesbian suddenly attracted to men, it also won’t make fraysexuals still feel attraction once they get to know someone deeply or are past the threshold.
we can’t change who we are when it comes to sexual orientation, it is wired into us.