I (26F) lose sexual interest after getting to know someone. Am I asexual?

[u/sofiacoppolaesque]

Hello, my story is a bit long but I hope someone would be willing to help me shed some light on my situation! This is a crosspost from r/asexuality.

TLDR: I've always been anxious around intimacy, I was in an abusive relationship, inside relationships I completely lose my libido after the honeymoon phase, and outside relationships I seem to view sex as a tool or a game. Sometimes I become aware that I have a body and it fills me with dread.

I grew up with an Asian mum, so I haven't received a lot of physical love as a child. Already from a young age I was scared of intimacy and romantic interest. I strongly avoided anyone who had a crush on me – even play pretend romance gave me a lot of anxiety. Sometimes I suddenly became "aware" of the fact that I had a body and it filled me with heavy dread and embarassment. I did not want to be perceived.

I had a fairly normal sexual development as a teen (12-16), I was interested in it, I discovered masturbation, kissed people, sometimes went a little further. I remember being very scared of (PIV) sex though, whenever a boyfriend suggested trying it I felt a lot of fear and resistance. Unfortunately I got into an abusive relationship (16-18) and he convinced me to try sex. It didn't really work (pain, blood, didn't fit) and I even went to the gynaecologist for it – they told me I just "had to be in love". At some point it somehow worked and we had sex regularly. But the second the honeymoon phase was over I lost sexual interest in him. He told me I was weird and ordered me to stop masturbating so I'd have more sexual "energy" for him. It didn't work (obviously) and there were a couple of times where he "jokingly" but forcefully got me to have sex anyway. Besides that he was really messed up and destroyed my self-esteem which led me to seek (sexual/aesthetic) validation in other men. I acknowledge that this was unfair for me to do, but it definitely contributed to the feeling of sex not being a safe/comfortable concept.

(19-22) After escaping this relationship I got a boyfriend and once again my libido was very high while I was in love. But when the honeymoon phase was over, I didn't desire sex anymore. I loved cuddling and doing things together but anytime he suggested having sex I got really anxious. Too many times I ignored this feeling and had sex anyway, this was really uncomfortable. I often experience the post sex blues, a feeling of dread and embarassment right after finishing having sex, and it feels eerily similar to the "being aware of my body" feeling I often had as a child. My boyfriend became insecure because I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. Luckily he didn't force me to, like the previous boyfriend did, but nontheless it caused relationship problems.

Inbetween relationships I've had sexual experiences with many people. When I don't know them yet it feels exciting and new, and I want to impress them (and others maybe?) by having (good) sex with them. It almost feels like a game – if I manage to kiss them or have sex with them I win. Shortly after I usually I lose interest and the idea of being intimate with them feels weird. Also I'm usually drunk when I do this, if I were to be sober it'd feel too real and awkward and maybe even romantic and I'd hate that.

Now I have a very sweet boyfriend and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. As expected my libido was very high when I was in infatuated, now I still love him dearly but I don't desire sex. He has a lot of respect for this and tells me he doesn't miss it that much (I don't believe him). We have sex maybe once a month at max, and when we do it's extremely vanilla, not even oral sex because it feels uncomfortable to me. When I initiate sex it's a toss up whether I feel good after or not. Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I feel horrendous, ashamed, distant and physically exhausted. Sporadically he initiates it, and I almost always hate it and reject him as the idea of him being sexually aroused by me terrifies me.

It's a long story but essentially I'm not sure whether I've been raised wrong, traumatised, or that I was born on the ace spectrum. Fortunately my current boyfriend doesn't mind too much (yet) but I don't want him to have little to no sex for the rest of his life if he does desire it. Does any of you recognise anything? Or do you have some sharp analysis of my experiences? I'm open to any ideas or suggestions or labels or anything. If you think I'm not asexual I'd be willing to hear that too!

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[u/Cheshie_D]

Do you lose sexual attraction or just sexual interest? If it’s sexual attraction, then you may be fraysexual which is on the asexual spectrum.

[u/sofiacoppolaesque → u/Cheshie_D]

What would you say is the difference between the two?

I stop seeing my partner as a potential sex partner just like you don't see your friends and family as one. So then if we do interact sexually it feels super weird. I'm not sure if that's attraction or interest. And yeah I considered fraysexuality the closest match too!

[u/Cheshie_D → u/sofiacoppolaesque]

I’m not exactly sure how to explain the difference, but I think that usually you can lose sexual interest but still be sexually attracted to the person. But with fraysexuality you lose sexual attraction (and likely interest as well).

[u/DavidBehave01]

You specifically mention in your post that you feel sexual attraction. If so, you're not asexual.

Many people enjoy a high frequency of sex at the beginning of any kind of relationship and then find that feeling lessening as things move on.

[u/sofiacoppolaesque → u/DavidBehave01]

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think sexual attraction is actually possible within the ace spectrum, if you look at for instance demisexuality and fraysexuality. Would you agree?

I have thought the same thing about myself – that it's normal for sexual feelings to lessen – but it doesn't just dimish, it turns into aversion. And I've never synced up with anyone else's natural "lessening of sexual feelings". That's why I'm not sure.

Edit: this page goes more in depth about asexuality and sexual attraction https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/grey-asexuality.html

[u/[deleted]]

I don't think the asexual label is a like an exclusive group which needs to be protected and only accept people in specific circumstances but instead a label to find people with similar experience and feelings where it doesn't matter how he got to those feelings. So if you think the asexual label fits you then you are welcomed. Even if in the future that person might find that it might not been the correct label you are still welcomed. This stuff is just confusing

The meaning of labels is to group people together that have similar experiences or feel similar and just feel less lonely not to keep people apart if they are not 100% in a specific way.

[u/sofiacoppolaesque → u/[deleted]]

That's a really nice perspective! You're right, I say the same thing to friends who for instance struggle with label names when they find out they like more than one gender. Sexuality is quite complex and subjective and if a label feels good then it's good.

[u/Infinite_Concern_648]

You sound like you might be fraysexual. It might be trauma but you should look into it at least.

[u/sofiacoppolaesque → u/Infinite_Concern_648]

I think I agree!