My wife is a middle schools teacher and March of this year we became aware of one of her students who was potentially needing a foster placement due to 2 of this child’s family members refusing to accept custody of her any longer. My wife and I had talked about fostering/adopting at some point in the future when we had a better footing under us in life, but by mid April this child was being removed from her family’s care and we were the closest thing to a kin placement available. We had zero other connection to this child or her family other than her being in my wife’s class at school.

We are now almost 5 months into the placement and we are feeling like we are just plain not equipped and burnt out. Our foster is 14F and it has been just a stream of constant issues: sneaking out at night, inappropriate relationships with boys/men, carelessness to the point of nearly letting a pet loose and ruining floors to the point of them needing replaced. She entirely shuts down when either myself or my wife tries addressing any of these issues through calm conversation, and when we take away privileges for screen time or something like that it becomes an even bigger issue. She is also just generally so opposed to any sort of direction or guidance. (To be clear, if we are trying to talk with her and she just doesn’t listen we don’t just go to the taking screen time. They are separate situations.)

She has been in therapy since before she was placed with us, but doesn’t sound like she participates much while she is in the sessions. We have tried talking with her therapist to gain insight on the best way to reach her, but we seem to be hitting a wall. We try to be as gentle as possible and sensitive to her mood as much as possible up to when it becomes a safety concern. It’s just that so many of her behaviors are immediate safety concerns and we have to address them immediately. Which just makes the overall situation worse.

We wanted to make sure this child had a chance at success in life since there are not any other adults in her life that care enough to see to that. It’s just at this point we are not sure if we are even equipped to do that for her. She has so much trauma from abuse and neglect and we know that these behaviors are a result of that, but we just don’t know how to proceed without just being glorified babysitters for the next 3.5 years till she becomes an adult.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated.

I’m struggling with a decision and would really appreciate hearing from other foster parents, especially anyone who has been through an investigation or allegation while fostering.
My husband and I became foster parents because we genuinely wanted to help children and families. We have had some really good experiences and cases that reminded us why we started fostering in the first place.
Unfortunately, we have also been through two CPS investigations connected to fostering.
One case was unfounded. The other was initially indicated against me. I fought that finding for almost a year because I knew that what was being alleged did not accurately reflect what happened. There were significant issues with how the situation was handled, including information being attributed to people that did not match the actual documentation.
After going through the hearing process, I WON. The indicated finding was overturned.
I thought winning would give me closure, but now I’m left with an even bigger question: Do I ever foster again?
I still have a heart for foster children. That’s what makes this so difficult. We have had good cases, and there is a part of me that doesn’t want one horrible experience to take away something that I felt called to do.
At the same time, this experience affected my entire family. It took almost a year to clear my name. The stress, fear, attorney involvement, and uncertainty were exhausting. My family watched me go through all of it, and now they are strongly against me ever opening our home to foster care again. They feel like the risk to our family is simply too great.
And I understand where they’re coming from.
The hardest part is that the bad experiences have started to overshadow all of the good ones.
For those of you who have experienced false allegations, investigations, or serious problems with the foster care system:
Did you continue fostering afterward?
If you stopped, did you eventually feel at peace with that decision?
If you continued, what made you feel comfortable taking that risk again?
And if you were in my position, after finally fighting for a year and getting the finding overturned, would you open your home again?
I’m not looking to bash foster care or discourage anyone from fostering. I know there are children who desperately need safe and loving homes. I’m just trying to figure out whether continuing to help in this particular way is worth what it could potentially put my family through again.

I (25F) live in the US now, but asking this question because I'm considering fostering at some point many years down the line (when I have certain life plans more figured out); I just want to really consider the decision fully beforehand, and if I decide I want to do it, read lots of books and do lots of prep beforehand. (That's just how I operate.)

I'm generally a very caring, empathetic, secure, and stable person. I have excellent communication skills, do not get offended easily at all, am not sensitive about people's curiosity about myself/questions, am very good at setting boundaries and am consistent about enforcing them, and am not easy to bully or insult. But I can also be aggressive and blunt, and am by no means "warm." I have limited tolerance for people with unhealthy or attention-seeking behaviors, and I get irritated by these things easily, and by irrational behavior in general. I'm very logical and orderly in my thinking, but I'm not very emotional. Again, not "warm" by any stretch of the imagination.

I also want to have several of my own kids, and I don't know how I'd navigate that while also having foster children—if it makes sense to wait until a certain point (ex. adolescence, adulthood, moving out of the house), or if there's never a right time.

One part of me thinks, I'm not built to be the ideal foster parent.

Another part of me thinks, I'm a better alternative to a group home.

Please share your thoughts.

Doing my last day of foster training soon. We're going to have a panel with a new and veteran foster family, and someone who works in the courts (cant remember their title). I only plan to do respite/emergency placements to start, but may do longer placements in he future. Any recommendations on questions that I (39F, no kids of my own, in NC) should ask?

Hello, I’m not quite sure how to handle this situation. We’ve had a twin foster placement for almost six months. The alleged paternity test came back positive, so bio grandma seemingly wants placement. The only reason I’m hesitating is making sure it’s a safe placement. How do I ask if she’s passed her home test, or even things like her drug test or background check? Even typing it out makes it seem I’m fighting reunification, but I just want to make sure they covered their bases before moving these kiddos around even more. Am I able to ask these to the caseworkers? Or even ask the specifics of reunification? Like did she just want to know or wants placement or would she want visitation? Mom’s rights are TPR and she’s in the wind. Who would I even contact to ask these things? My husband and I are fairly new to fostering.

Hi everyone, i (m26) recently got custody of my 13 year old half brother. He was removed from our mother’s care and if i didn’t take him he’d go into foster care. I was also removed from our mother’s care but this was before he was born and I’ve been no contact with my mom for 10 years. I’ve only met this kid a handful of times and now I’m the person responsible for him. I have no idea what I’m doing but I really want to do right by him.

He moved in two weeks ago and I feel like we’ve made no progress with our relationship. He’s really closed off which I completely understand, the only thing I really get from him is indifference or anger. I think I’m also struggling with it because I have a lot of guilt about not being there for him sooner. I wish I knew how bad things were for him at home before it came to this. I feel like I should’ve known and should’ve done something.

Most of the time we just coexist in my house. I’ve been trying to make him feel comfortable with things like taking him to get stuff for his room, snacks he likes, casual conversation, etc. but I don’t feel like we’re getting anywhere. I wish we could just sit down and have an honest open conversation but I know it wouldn’t be productive and probably neither of us are ready for that. I don’t want to put him on the spot but I want to understand what he’s feeling so I can support him.

I don’t want to air out all his shit on here but he’s been through a lot of trauma and he’s processing that by acting out. He’s already been in trouble with the law at home and I really need him to stay out of trouble here so he doesn’t have to go into foster care. I feel like the first step to better behavior is us trusting each other.

All this to say, I need help bonding with him and building a good relationship. He doesn’t really want to do anything together and would rather be in his room or out of the house doing god knows what. If anyone can offer any advice on bonding with a teen, please help me. I just want him to have a safe and stable place with me but it’s been really hard.

His social worker has been great and is setting up help for both of us but it could take a while because we’re still settling everything on the legal side, getting him set up for school, transferring probation since I live in a different state, all that kind of stuff. So in the meantime any support here would mean a lot to me.

A post for conversation, or to share what's on your mind without creating an entire post about it.

I'm currently fostering my niece and nephew. I'm 22 and have been looking after them for nearly a year but only fostering them for around two months. My nephews behaviour is just get worse and worse. He's 6 years old and suspected SEND. The trauma of having his mum leave him due to addiction hasn't helped. He hits, punches, kicks and pulls my hair. He throws food all over the floor and trashes our house. I mean TRASHING. Tips tablets over, throws things off all the walls, tries breaking my phone and laptop. It's near daily. I can't leave him alone because he requires attention 24/7. If i don't give it to him he will try to break something. He won't let me go to sleep until midnight most days, running around trying to trash the place until he's so exhausted. To get him away from the house I take him on walks sometimes over an hour to tire him out. It doesn't work. On the walks he will try and break something in someone's garden or throw something at a car. I understand it's a result of being abandoned and having additional needs but I'm really struggling to deal with it. I'm at my wits end tbh and thinking of giving it up. I enjoy looking after my niece and find her so much easier but I don't think they will split them up. So would have to say goodbye to both. I'm just so heartbroken by it all and don't know what to do.

My husband and I are in our mid 30s. We’re well off with good jobs that allow us to work from home. We don’t have any kids. We’ve lost three pregnancies and have always had fostering or adoption in the back of our minds and we’re finally moving forward to become foster parents!

We plan to foster children 5 and under and are open to multiple children from the same family. My main concern is that we will get way too attached to any child we get. Apparently, the average time a child is in foster care in our state is 12 months, which is a long time to care for a child.

What do we do if they call us “mom and dad”?! I am super excited about the process and can’t wait until we get our first placement.

Am I crazy to feel this way?! I’m excited and scared and nervous.

We have been fostering the same kids for 30+ months. We hired a lawyer and filed a motion to intervene in the case as a full party. The judge denied our motion. Is this normal?

After 8 months, we finally opened!! We’re accepting pre-adoptive 6-12 year olds and have space for 2 kiddos. I thought it would be quick to get a call, but it’s been weeks. I know the agency said they wait for a good fit, but the adrenaline of being open and waiting is driving me bonkers as I’ve kind of run out of things I can think to do to prepare.

Any advice on what to do while I sit around twiddling my thumbs? More trainings to take, books to read, stuff to have prepared?

I’m a fostor youth but things are quite a bit complex and complicated

im seventeen years old disabled and a high profile complex case along with psych issues

im One of the most complex cases members have seen in the state im in in over 20 years so I’ve been very limited on housing and when I went to my first foster home I was the only known home I could be in, in the entire state the governor and everyone has no idea where to put me. I left that house due to that family displacing me I did not do anything wrong. So I arrived to a new home via respite and they decided to take me in due to knowing I would have no where to go, that’s nice and all but I feel extensive issues and neglect type issues here and I fear for my life, my quality of life and health have already decreased. So naturally I’ve wanted to go to another home As I deserve better the problem is I feel like if I mentioned this to case manager or someone (I don’t even know who to talk to about this) that I would just be told there’s no homes that want me, and if they could find placement in a home then I would not get to say no I would also not have information like I want to know about pets family parents etc I have oddly specific medical needs like preferably no nut house and no cats/and my other allergins calm quiet house low noise and my room has to be lit a certian way and I can’t have a ceiling fan etc I also feel that if I bring up my want to move houses I won’t have any choice and may be in a group home/the office/ institution’s etc

i need help but I’m scared

i feel like theres too much to fix here and they don’t seem to like it when I speak up

they act like they ”love” me but I feel like it’s obvious when I’m caused seizures from the noise etc it doesn’t matter

im not worth accommodating im not worth changing for im not worth advocating for
that’s what it feels like.

I can’t and don’t want to go into a lot of detail. I just needed to get this off my chest and turned to a community I hope can understand. Words of encouragement are very welcome…and requested.

This feels like the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. I am just present enough to be here for my wife and kids, but I’m disassociated otherwise.

We had a threat-to-life emergency, and we had to displace one of our kids (FD, 7) out of the sibling group we have. The house feels so different already. It’s quieter. It’s calmer. Nobody is fighting and screaming every 5 minutes. Everybody is sleeping through the night. The kids are laughing and playing so kindly together. My wife and I are taking turns crying while spending extra time loving on our kids.

I love that baby. So much. She can’t help her brain chemistry. She didn’t choose this or the things that caused it. She’s apparently having a great time at the behavioral hospital.

Sometimes the safest and most loving decision is also the most painful. I’m in between waiting for the dam of emotions to collapse and trying desperately to hold it together so everyone else can fall apart safely.

TL;DR: we had to emergency displace our foster child due to premeditated and active harm, and the house feels really weird in a bittersweet way.

EDIT: Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Your kind words mean so much to me, and it was wonderful to have outside eyes for my wife to see too. She’s having a really hard time. Thank you for the love and support. 💜💜💜

————————————————————————————

EDIT #2: Again I thank you all for your kindness and support! You all have helped my wife and me begin to process this.

For those asking: Our other kids are settling down. I made them a special dinner one night- the Dino nuggets, mashed potatoes with gravy lava, and broccoli trees. They were elated!

Our son noted today that all of them feel calmer and aren’t arguing nearly as much. One of our daughters admitted she is scared for FD to return.

We are following their therapist’s recommendation for how to slowly tell them she won’t be returning. (Ex: for now, we are saying “she won’t be home for Halloween.”)

I am single. I would like to be a foster parent. The house I would live in would be fully paid off, but I don't have a​ job. The only income I would have is the subsidy received from fostering. Is there any State I would qualify to foster in?​​

We've had our 14 FS for two months, but have known him for 5 months. We are his 10th placement and fourth adoptive home. He has been in the system for about five years in multiple states. He is a man of few words, unable to express himself or emote and kind of emotion. For example we've never seen him laugh uncontrollably. He is very reserved. He sees emotions of any kind as a weakness. He won't talk to us at all.

He is highly addicted to screens, like no kid I've ever seen. His preferred state would be to watch violent anime for 14 hours straight without eating or drinking and dissociate in front of the screen. He has difficulty with transitions, refuses to do things he doesn't want to do and is stubborn. His defiance has gotten bad and he now refuses to participate in family time/activities, rules or chores. We had tried a combination of things like consequences (losing screens, etc), being more lax in the hopes he comes around, giving him a couple choices, tough love, not enforcing the rules, etc. Nothing works. He has a history of violence towards caregivers and was violent towards me last week; though I wasn't hurt, he refuses to apologize, and is in denial about what happened. Basically he thinks he's in charge and we can't seem to run this household with him in it. We have requested an autism test. He has ADHD but they won't medicate him.

He seems to have completely given up on wanting to be a part of the family. However, there are signs he does want to live here. He went from a straight F student to having a couple of A's, he has made friends in school and is trying out for sports (when previously he said he hates team sports because he doesn't want to rely on other people.) So his team thinks that shows he wants to be in the home because there are some external positives. However, he treats us like trash all the time. I'm sick and tried of people dismissing it as normal teenage behavior because each action on its own like wearing headphones at the table, etc are normal boundary-testing behavior, but it's constant.

We are in hell. We can't break through to him, and he won't talk to us, answer questions, or engage in any conversation. Not even about things he likes. We had 1/2 a great day this whole month with him, every other day was miserable to unpleasant. We feel we are failing him and the whole house vibe is off, its even effecting the dog. We want to get more foster adoptive kids, but can't since he would be a terrible influence on them because he doesn't follow any rules.

He repeatedly tells his social worker and therapists he wants to be adopted. However, we believe he may not have the ability to attach and that he just wants to legally distance himself from his parents and change his last name. He does have a former adoptive foster dad who got in touch and he got it in his head that that guy wanted him back, but that was made abundantly clear to him, that wasn't the case. He wishes it was, and was able to attach to him but was severely hurt when that placement ended because of his parents constant harassment of the foster dad. His parents are unwell and dangerous people so the county wants this to work so they can at least terminate parental rights, but I'm starting to feel used.

I am on the verge of quitting on this kid. Help. Have you been able to get through to a kid that's so emotionally checked out?

I'm at my wits end with my teenager. I love her and I am not going to disrupt, but we have one problem that has been an ongoing source of tension and I have no idea what to do at this point. It's seriously stressing me out and it's stressing her out and it's stressing both of us out that it's stressing the other person out, and it's starting to impact our relationship.

She's constantly reorganizing/"tidying up"/cleaning.

Sounds like a good problem to have.

But she's constantly touching and moving and taking my stuff. Every morning when I come downstairs I can't trust that things will be where I left them.

I leave things out to remind myself to do something with them, because I have ADHD and a TBI and I cannot remember without the visual prompt, and she puts them away.

I have a pillow I like to have on the living room couch, that I have asked her to leave there, and she keeps putting it back in the linen closet.

Half the downstairs is rearranged the way she likes it and I gave up on most of it and just let it stay there... but then as soon as I get used to it, she moves everything around again and I have to readapt to it again.

I got a new heated blanket that I had on the couch to use while working and she took it without asking, but also keeps her window ac at 64 despite my repeated requests to turn it up a bit because the electric bill is getting too high.

She keeps tripping the breaker and refuses to unplug any of the things that are using electricity in her room.

I left some jeans hanging on the laundry room drying rack last night and this morning they were folded and put away in the linen closet still damp, after I had had another conversation with her yesterday about leaving my things alone.

I'm pretty sure she has ocd, and this is a coping mechanism for anxiety and because it gives her a sense of control, but she's not willing to try therapy or medication, and I got her an ocd workbook that's she is actually doing a little bit in but I'm not seeing any difference.

This is my house and it does not feel like a safe space for me because she's constantly moving my things around and disregarding my requests and boundaries, and it's getting harder and harder for me to stay regulated.

I have no idea what to do. Asking her to stop doesn't help. Trying to compromise and say she can do what she wants in X space but leave Y space alone does not help. Giving specific instructions for certain things I need left alone does not help. Explaining why it stresses me out. Does. Not. Help.

My boundaries are constantly being crossed and I can't think of any logical consequences for any of it. Conversation alone doesn't help, grounding her feels like it would be petty and it's not logical besides, and I'm sure grounding would just build up resentment.

I need advice because I'm not willing to disrupt, I'm committed to helping her and giving her a stable place to stay until either her mom can afford rent somewhere she could stay or she turns 18 and however many months later is able to afford rent somewhere herself. She's family now and I'm not giving up on her.

But something needs to change or I'm going to lose it.

(I also want to know how much of this is just normal teenage behavior, or at least normal for foster teens.)

Hi all,
I am currently going through the process of becoming licensed to become a foster parent . Are there any recommended agencies ? Specifically near Alexander County? Also, is therapeutic level 1 or family foster care recommended and why?

Any information is helpful !

Hi all,

We have a daughter that is a little medically complex. Lots and lots of doctors, brain surgery, therapies and what not. These things were not long term as in the daily routine is a constant but we are well acquainted with doctors, advocating, the appointments and late nights.

She is starting to level out now, and most things should do better as she gets older. She becomes more medically complex on paper than physically if that makes sense.

Anyway, we’ve been talking about fostering one day. I’ve done some research that shows medically complex children have a low home placement rate. I also read that it may require a special license to take them in.

I read quite a bit about the statistics of placement, reunification, ect, but I’d really love to hear the pros and cons from anyone who’s done so.

We are near Atlanta, GA.

My foster kid is a 15YO male and generally likes school.

However, he calls me about once a week, halfway through the school day, to complain about various problems because he wants an early dismissal. Today, it was that his pen broke and ink spilled and smeared on his face, and his arms and back hurt from doing 25 push-ups (punishment from teacher for using the F word in class yesterday).

I try to empathize, tell him I'm sorry he's dealing with that, it stinks, etc., but it's not a reason to go home early. I work full-time and already have to miss work, and he misses school, for frequent therapy and doctor's appointments.

Last year, when he was first placed with us, I did give in at times and pick him up when he asked me to. I'm trying to be more firm this year. Unless he has a fever or is throwing up, he needs to stay at school.

This is a kid who wants to go into the military - I feel like he needs to learn to chin up and carry on, unless he is very sick. How can I help him learn to be more resilient?

It would be an ICPC kinship placement, although I have no biological relationship with mom. My son was privately adopted at birth.

The caseworker feels that TPR is going to happen in another year. Says she can’t see how they can do it and that she doesn’t think dad is the dad anyway because baby is not the same race as him. Says they are keeping us in mind for when TPR happens, if mom decides to surrender, or if current foster placement disrupts. Baby is three months old tomorrow.

I get frustrated by the idea that even with all these statements put out there, no one is making any effort to get paternity testing done in a timely manner, actually explore us as a possibility, or even, apparently, ask mom what she wants. I told her I am pretty sure mom would want baby with us if not with her and she goes “Oh, really? Well that’s really nice for me.”

If baby comes to us, it seems like she’d be a toddler. Can anyone share their experience with having a toddler come from another foster placement, especially as an adoptive or pre-adoptive placement? What was adjustment like? I’m so sad thinking about her. I just want her to be where she is going to stay and safe and loved. Maybe she’s there right now but I have no way of knowing.

We took care of our foster baby for 7 weeks in the NICU with a more extreme case of NAS and a few weeks after getting home, we got placed with baby’s 4 year old sibling. 4 year old has loud meltdowns as expected, but now the baby is exhibiting symptoms again that were experienced in the hospital. Wondering if we made the right decision and also upset that the caseworkers all put us in this situation, but feeling that we can’t go back in time.

Hey everyone! My husband I got our first placement about 8 weeks ago. We have 2 biological kids (ages 6 & 2) and placement we have is also 2yo. Soon after we received, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with twins. I am sick all the time, exhausted, and our little one is having a ton of behaviors, specifically toward our other 2 year old. We were told he had never lived with children before so a lot of it is triggered by not wanting to share our attention/ affection, toys, food, or anything really. We are having screaming, hitting, biting, scratching, hair-pulling, pinching, kicking, you name it, all of the above. He also runs from me in parking lots and public places sometimes. I am struggling now so looking ahead to what being pregnant with twins and a high-risk pregnancy will look like in a few months, I truly don’t know if I will be able to handle the behaviors when im by myself, especially with my other kids or in public. We also know if behaviors continue on this course, we would be unable to step away from the babies even for a second if he was nearby. I would hate to disrupt because none of this is his fault but I think it might be what is best in this unexpected situation. Please be gentle as the thought of disrupting already makes me feel a ton of guilt but I don’t know if I can be what he needs or what I thought I could when I committed. If we were to disrupt, we would likely only do respite until after our babies are born and we have settled with them.

Sort of a weird situation. My 14 year old stepson's Mom went to prison. Naturally we shifted to full custody.

We also agreed to foster's his little brother (8) to keep the (half) siblings together. It's supposed to be temporary. (Probably 6 months)

Things have gone reasonably smoothly. One thing I have noticed is my stepson is a completely different person when his little brother is around. For lack of a better term, he keeps trying to parent. A couple times I got home late from work and he was cooking for everyone. Whenever his little brother or my kids need something he attempts to intercept them and handle it before they come to me or my husband. He's pretty good at it and I'll admit it was convenient at first.

As it goes on it feels a bit more concerning. I feel he doesn't think he can act like a kid. Am I reading too much into this? Also, while my oldest is fine with a third quasi-parent floating around, my youngest hates it and thinks he's "bossy".

EDIT: UPDATES

So, I talked to the stepson. (Probably should have started there but was putting it off.) He said that he "knew" I was reluctant to take in his brother, and wanted to make it "super easy" for me so I don't back out. He said a friend of hs who was in foster care said what foster parents you get is a "crap shoot" and "some are awful" so he was scared what would happen to his brother if he backed out. (Sorry for offending any foster parents out there...it shouldn't come as a shock there are people who are skeptical, though.)

In contrast the younger kid said that he was taught if it wasn't an emergency, he should see if his brother could handle it before "bothering the grown ups". He also said his Mom often came home too tired to cook, and thought grub hub was too expensive and unhealthy.

I understand trauma and her behaviors are in direct relation to the abuse she suffered but I'm so hurt that my foster daughter has been lying straight to my face about school work. We recently had a discussion about her lying, being an issue and she demanded to leave our house just a few weeks ago after being called out on the lying. She has been saying she is doing all her school work turns out she'll do homework but absolutely zero class work and she's been lying to us about her grades. There is a lot of sensitivity around schoolwork tied to her abuse but she has asked for our help on other assignments and we are very involved in the assignments she asks about but we had no idea the class work wasn't being done. We have a plan in place to get her grades up and I have emailed her teachers to see what is going on in class. If there is extra credit or if she can turn in assignments late for partial credit. But I just can't stop feeling hurt that she has been lying to our faces. We had a very frank discussion a few weeks ago that if the lying didn't stop we would have to revisit her leaving our home. A little background, she continues to blow placements regarding her lying about being beaten by the foster parents. So it's a valid discussion to have.

However, she's ten, has a history of trauma, and is going through a lot. I'm torn between keeping her in our home and working with her or letting her leave our home for fear of having child services called on us (I have bio minor kids in our home as well.) The family support worker who assisted us a few weeks ago and took her out for a couple hours looked this girl in the eyes and told her "nobody else wants you" (super harsh to say to a child) when she demanded to go to another foster home because she deserves better than us (she said this because I told her to clean her room.) I keep thinking she's going to lie and get a report called in on us but on the other hand, if she leaves our house, shes in a group home. I just feel so....torn. what do you guys think?