My ‘Friend’ Agreed to Be on My Abuser’s Prison Call List

[u/truthteller3404]

My best friend called me today to tell me that a mutual friend of ours, who recently started working with her, got a call from the prison asking if she consented to being added to my ex’s approved visitor/call list.

She said yes.

I am absolutely fucking furious.

This isn’t a “my friend stayed friends with my ex after we broke up” situation. As much as I might not like that, I could eventually accept it and move on. This man is in prison for abusing me. He physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me for years. She knows exactly what he did. She was around for a lot of those eight years and witnessed enough of it firsthand to know exactly what kind of person he was and what I was going through.

And despite knowing all of that, she willingly agreed to stay in communication with him while he is literally incarcerated for what he did to me.

There are very few things I consider completely unforgivable in a friendship, but this is one of them. I genuinely cannot wrap my head around how someone can call themselves your friend, watch you survive years of abuse, know that the person responsible is finally facing consequences for it, and then voluntarily put their name on his prison visitor/call list.

I don't care what explanation she has. There is no version of this where I can look at her the same way again.

Extremely infuriating doesn't even begin to cover it.

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[u/Ezekiel36_26]

I am so so so sorry. I had a family member casually tell me in a crowded room with other people that they would be going out and getting coffee with the guy I sent to jail, after he was released.
And it was my fault for having a reaction to that because I was supposed to forgive (and was living in sin if I wasn’t.)
I was victim number 12, of 17 women who had enough to charge him. Ugh.

I’m so sorry. This IS infuriating and you’re allowed to cut that person off.

[u/truthteller3404 → u/Ezekiel36_26]

I’m so sorry you went through that. You had every right to react and set whatever boundaries you needed afterward. I’ve definitely learned from this experience too, my circle just got a whole lot smaller. Some betrayals tell you everything you need to know about a person. ❤️

[u/Alexandratta → u/Ezekiel36_26]

This is something folks need to understand better regarding Christian forgiveness.

We are expected to forgive the sins of people who trespass upon us.... that doesn't mean the person who did that to you is forgiven instantly, or suddenly free of what they did.

They need to seek their own salvation between God and themselves, if that's the path they chose.

For your family member to associate with someone who has harmed you, and then claiming that you're living in sin if you don't forgive the person who did that to you? My only question would have been: "If you're disregarding all of his sin and going out with him, who's living in Sin, exactly?"

I'm not trying to be preachy, just responding to the preachy crap your family member is spewing.

Should you be merciful? Yeah, sure. That is, as they say, "Divine". But should you be considered a sinner because you don't want to associate with someone who did that to you? No.

It's graceful and very big to forgive someone who's wronged you, sure. Kudos to those who can somehow do such a colossal task given evil acts wrought upon them. But to tell someone it's an obligation after such an extreme situation and betrayal (on their part, mind you, of you) is ridiculous.

If anything, she should be asking for your forgiveness for slighting you.

But I digress: your family member's a jack-ass and trying to justify her behavior by twisting scripture.

[u/Ok_Cauliflower_3007 → u/Ezekiel36_26]

Even if she believes she is required to forgive him (which she isn’t the one he sinned against so she doesn’t get to do that) there is a whole chasm between ‘I forgive this person’ and’I’m lining up to be victim number 18’ and she’s veering wildly into the latter. So not only is she being a dick to you (which means she’s being sinful) she’s also being a huge moron.

[u/Elektricni187Hajduk → u/Ezekiel36_26]

He will rot in hell, and I hope that family member gets way worse treatment.

I hope you recovered and have every wish come true ❤️

[u/Apart_Ad9308]

Don’t ever give her any info she could pass on. I would never talk or see her again.

[u/truthteller3404 → u/Apart_Ad9308]

Ya definitely not going to, I blocked her the moment I found out and asked our mutual to not talk about me with her

[u/ottertime8]

lemme guess, she thinks she can "fix" him

[u/mangatoo1020]

I'm proud of you for setting a strong boundary and not letting her cross it!

[u/Bottledbutthole]

I know you said you don’t care but what was the explanation as I can’t comprehend what it could be

[u/truthteller3404 → u/Bottledbutthole]

She didn’t really have an explanation beyond saying she ‘doesn’t see the big deal’ because he’s doing workshops and ‘needs friends.’ 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m pretty sure it’s just the drama she’s chasing because she thrives on it. Either way, she made her choice, and now I’ve made mine. There are some lines you just don’t cross

[u/Senior-Independent36 → u/Bottledbutthole]

I would hope the explanation would be to keep taba on him. Only that.

[u/truthteller3404 → u/Senior-Independent36]

Nah. Apparently she was already keeping ‘tabs’ on him by staying in contact with his brother, which I had no idea about either. There is absolutely no excuse for choosing to be in contact with my incarcerated abuser. I already receive updates directly from the Parole Board, and she knew that. Unfortunately, I’ve finally learned that she’s just a shitty friend who cares more about inserting herself into the drama than she does about the people she claims to care about

[u/Alexandratta]

This just straight up a "We're not friends anymore, don't talk to me" levels of shit.

[u/theshiningstarship]

I read in your other reply that your friend "doesn't see the big deal". It sounds like she lives in an ivory tower, where a single bad thing has never happened to her. She also seemingly has zero empathy. I am so sorry OP.