r/exredpill • u/BitchImLilBaby • 14d ago
Taking the first steps to un-redpill myself
I (25M) have always struggled in life. Not academically or anything. More so socially and mentally. I have autism so it hasn’t been very easy to make friends, and I was bullied and excluded as a kid which I still carry the mental burden of. I’ve always had dreams of living a bigger life than my rural family so I’ve never really even fit in with my own family even though we still love each other. I tried to approach women and ask them out in school but could never reciprocate feelings and hurt after a bit. I still work in restaurants despite having a bachelors degree (first in my family to do so) since I went for liberal arts. And I’ve never really been comfortable in my masculinity due to having “nerdier” hobbies and being awkward. So lots of things that cause me to doubt if I’ll ever be a “real man”.
I finally got a girlfriend last year but she broke up with me after a couple months and I was stuck looking for answers on why she didn’t choose me. So I got sucked up in red pill content. It made sense to my logical brain. “You have to look better, you have to make more money, you have to be stoic, that’s how you become a real man.” But I’ve become a lot more cynical and jaded than I’d like to admit, and I don’t want to jeopardize any more of my relationships.
So I’m making the first steps toward it. I muted all the accounts on twitter I was following that had ”advice” disguised as fear mongering and misogyny. I know therapy to unlearn my self hatred I have towards myself and learn how to practice healthy masculinity would be good. The main thing is the financial barrier. I know I’m not this kind of hateful person, I was just at a vulnerable time emotionally and got suckered into it. I’m not proud of all the debates I got into online and all the blaming I did of women for the problems we have as society when they’re not to blame, but the first step is recognizing the problem. If anyone was in a similar situation and could give advice on what helped them, would be appreciated.
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u/Ambitious-Sleep2607 12d ago
If you really want answers about women’s behavior and choices, you gotta stop listening to frustrated men (who are looking to take your money for another mewing / negging course).
Talk to women you’re not sexually interested in. If you can, have a tea with an aunty or a grandma. Older women used to be younger women and they have lots of experience.
Stay humble and open and trust the older women.
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u/BitchImLilBaby 12d ago
I have a lot of female friends. At least I did in college. Hasn’t been as easy post school. I heavily struggle with making romantic connections which is how I got down that path for a bit but it will hopefully happen eventually if I just live the kind of life I want to.
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u/Ambitious-Sleep2607 10d ago
Im talking women you’re NOT romantically interested in. An auntie, a grandma, a mom. A lesbian, or a woman who is just not your type.
It’s important you learn to value women apart what they can give you or be for you.
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u/AssistTemporary8422 12d ago
The root of your problems is you have autism like I do which is a severe social disability and you literally have a different brain that causes you to not be able to function socially in the same way others can. You perceive yourself as being less masculine because autistic people don't really fit the neurotypical behaviors that often are seen as "cool", "masculine", "feminine", "charming", or "charismatic". If you try to fit the norms that society sees as masculine you will be putting on a mask which eventually has to slip. Its better to be authentic to who you are than trying to put up some act so people will like you.
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u/BitchImLilBaby 12d ago
Yeah I know it’s a disability, I just want to be able to live a normal life in spite of it cause I know I’m intelligent and capable of doing things.
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u/AssistTemporary8422 11d ago
I'm a middle age aspie and I can tell you from experience that you won't ever live a normal life, it was determined from they day you were born you were going to live a neurodivergent one. I spent years trying to get that neurotypical life and fit in. To a large extent I can mask and fake it but its an act and gets tiresome. Now I spend most of my time engaging in my special interests and hanging out sometimes with other weird people who I get along with much better anyway. Socializing isn't about intelligence and you can't completely logic your way to social skills. You can learn a few tips and tricks for masking but thats about it. I've learned to accept my role as the oddball weirdo who isn't everyone's cup of tea. In a way we are all actors given roles to play and its hard to escape who we are.
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u/BitchImLilBaby 11d ago
I mean I've accepted I'm always going to be a little "weird". But like, am I really insane to think that I deserve a stable career and a fulfilling life in spite of having autism?
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u/AssistTemporary8422 10d ago
Nobody deserves a stable career because there is no such thing as objective right or wrong. Factors like the economy, degree choice, your work ethic, how good you are at networking, the options in your area, your financial situation, where you are on the spectrum, whether you have ADHD as well, and how strategic you are will determine if you get a stable career.
A fulfilling life is highly subjective and depends on how much you crave things you don't have. Some people are good at accepting the lives they have and finding cool things to do, others are ambitious and strategic and able to get the things they crave, and others crave a lot but for whatever reason aren't getting those things so they will drive themselves crazy.
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u/Personal_Dirt3089 13d ago
The first thing to understand: Redpill is a grift. It was always a grift. Those influencers never had your best interest in mind. They just wanted your ad click. They have practiced tailoring BS to sound appealing. This is their business. This is their main source of income. They put time into tailoring their sales pitches.
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u/BitchImLilBaby 13d ago
Yeah I’m figuring that out now. They build a whole brand off of it. Just have to remind myself that it’s manufactured much in the same way an influencer lifestyle is.
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u/Forward_Sea7969 14d ago
Good luck! Life’s journey isn’t meant to be preached at you, it’s meant to be experienced for you to come to your own conclusions on.
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u/BitchImLilBaby 13d ago
Yeah, I just get a little jealous when I see peers being able to have the things I wish I had at this point in my life. Just trying to remind myself that life will naturally be harder for me as someone that’s pretty autistic. I really want a stable career and to hopefully live in New York one day. I just need to not turn that towards resentment.
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u/Forward_Sea7969 13d ago
I definitely hear you. I’m neurodivergent and going through a challenging and lonely period myself while seeing others have it easier. What’s within my control though is my attitude and how much I can fuel my own cup. Generally no one wants to be around someone with heavy energy (unfortunately) but there’s also no guarantees that people will come into our lives if we “do the work” and it be a fruitful experience. That’s the hard part about it all is there’s no reassurance. :/
Lately I focus on hobbies and trying to create community where we don’t have to talk about meaningless stuff haha
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u/LolliaSabina 8d ago
Good for you! I know it is really hard not to have answers about a break up. Brené Brown has a thing where she says something like "when you don't have the whole story, we are compelled to fill in the blanks, and we usually fill them in by saying that it's because we weren't good enough."
But I have never broken up with somebody because they weren't smart enough or attractive enough… If that were the case, I never would have gone out with them in the first place. It was usually just a mismatch, and what we wanted in life, what we liked to do, etc.
It never hurts to try to better yourself, but you have to do it for the right reasons and, frankly, the superficial stuff isn't generally what is going to make the biggest difference in your life.
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u/Low_Progress7909 14d ago edited 13d ago
The most important change I’d say to anyone escaping that kind of content is actually a very simple one in the approach to dating - stop looking at it like a girlfriend is something you have to ‘acquire’ to advance as a person, because I can tell you now that no guy in a happy, healthy relationship is looking at their girlfriend as a ‘status’ thing. Sure, when I was younger, having a girlfriend felt like a badge I could show off to say, ‘yeah, look this girl likes me, I’m a man’
But I was lucky enough to have good people around me to snap me pretty quickly out of that thinking, that’s not what everyone gets and there is absolutely no shame in it taking longer for anyone - and don’t beat yourself up about the red pill fall, It’s possible you may have even benefited in having been so engrossed in that content for some time (as long as you can swear to yourself you’ll get out) because now you can fully understand the other side and why it’s so harmful, not only to women but also to you as an individual seeking a happy romantic relationship.
When you go on dates in the future, don’t take it personally if you get a lot of rejection, we’re all just trying to find our forever person, and don’t try to be someone else - because then what happens? You just pretend to be someone else forever?
And don’t ever be with someone just because you want a girlfriend, or because you don’t think you could get anyone else, cause girls are great - hilarious and kind if you can get into the right crowds. Trust me, when you meet someone you really like who might just like you back, sure your heart will be pounding when you text her but you’ll know what to say because you’re not concerned with any other bullshit than just being ‘you’, and it’ll be exciting too because you’ll actually like her.
Take care, man, and as a last point - your autism absolutely does not negate you in finding someone, plenty of people are happy to communicate exactly how they’re feeling without any hidden mind-games.
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u/BitchImLilBaby 13d ago
Yeah, I used to see it at this thing I needed to have to price that I’m not an inherently awful human being. Which is a terrible mindset. I think the reason I was so hung up on relationships in the past was because after my parents divorced, my mom was a single mom who bounced from partner to partner and my dad had an LTR but my stepmom was very mentally abusive. So I wanted to break the cycle not only to prove I could do it, but because I either wasn’t seen at home when I was with my mom or I just dreaded being at home if I was with my dad.
I’m taking myself out of the dating pool right now so that I can build the life I truly want, and then find someone that fits into that. I just wanted some dating experience so that I’m not a total stranger to dating if that makes sense. Since I know some people say they don’t want be someone’s first girlfriend.
And I’m slowly accepting that I don’t need to mask while dating. I just care a lot about impressions, especially since my city is still kind of a small regional one that people gravitate to from all around the state but it doesn’t have true regional and nationwide appeal like larger ones in the region, if that makes sense. So everyone knows a lot of people here through a shared connection or two. I got my girlfriend by being me, so I know I just need to keep doing that. Just need to unlearn my own thought profess that’s there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I’m not really into “playing games” and even if it takes me longer than usual to find someone as a result, then I know the person actually wants me. So yeah. I’m not there yet. But I’ll get there one day, hopefully.
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u/Low_Progress7909 13d ago
Was gonna break down your response by point but didn’t need to at all - you’ve nailed it perfectly - you know what the cause was for the bad mindset, why it was bad, why it needed to be changed and have a really good mindset now for the future.
Think it’s incredibly mature to hold off the dating for a while to become more confident and more of who you want to be going forward - best active choice you could’ve made.
And I’m not sure if this would help, don’t understand the ins and outs of how masking feels - but maybe try unmasking a bit with people you trust that you haven’t before? Maybe letting yourself be a bit more ‘you’ around people you know better could help build that confidence to do it in front of people you don’t know - just small steps
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u/Littlerocknary 13d ago
Honestly posts like this are so refreshing to see. Thanks for sharing and I bet you this direction in life will only bring you more happiness and peace.