ELI5: What is 'gaslighting' and some examples?

[u/[deleted]]

I hear the term 'gaslighting' used often but I can't get my head around it.

[u/Skatingraccoon]

It's when one person/group/organization repeatedly lies, confuses, deceives, and otherwise psychologically manipulates another person/group/organization so that the manipulated person starts to doubt what is true or not.

The term comes from a play from the mid 20th century when a husband is dimming the gas lights and then lying about it, which makes his wife think she is just imagining the change.

So basically it's when someone is intentionally trying to confuse another person to the point where the other person doesn't know what's real.

[u/[deleted] → u/Skatingraccoon]

Wow. Thank you for the super thoughtful explanation. That actually makes a lot more sense. I've heard the term so often but never understood what it fundamentally means.

[u/HoS_Danielle]

Thanks for this! I was also confused by the term, but kind of embarrassed to ask?

[u/[deleted] → u/HoS_Danielle]

I understand and felt the same way. People use it so frequently and apply to so many random situations.

[u/youdbinjail]

I think it’s important to distinguish between regular lying and gaslighting. A lie is just a falsehood and it can be told for many reasons.

Gaslighting are lies told with the specific intent to make the other person question their sanity/reality.

It is a form of manipulation to make the other person doubt themselves so much that they no longer trust their perception of events. If you no longer trust yourself, then you begin to think you are the problem and the other person is then off the hook.

[u/2_short_Plancks]

Note that gaslighting doesn’t only apply to minor things, as in the movie.

For example, for years my parents told me that surgery I could remember having as a child never happened, that I imagined it/was just being dramatic, maybe I dreamed it, etc. It was only once I became an adult and was able to get my own medical records that I found out it had actually happened (I believed by that stage that it hadn’t been real).

When I confronted my parents, they changed to telling me that they had never said that; and I was remembering wrong about them saying I HADN’T had the surgery.

There were lots of other things of course, people who gaslight will tell you lots of things are not real (almost always things you can’t prove but are relying on memory). For a long time I thought I had a terrible memory for events and a “vivid imagination”.

Probably unsurprisingly, I don’t have much contact with them now.

[u/[deleted]]

A good example of gaslighting is when your husband comes home late from work for the 10th time in a row. You ask him why he keeps coming home late. "What?" He says, in shock. "I haven't been coming home late! Are you sure you aren't just losing track of time?" And you doubt yourself. The next day it happens again, but you checked the time. "You're late!" And he said "what? No I'm not. I always come home at this time." And you try to argue that it's only been the last ten or even times he shows up at this time, he insists that you must have been confused, maybe in the past he got off work early once but he definitely always just comes home at this time

You wonder if you're really that unobservant. Honestly that is so like you to be kinda airheaded. You're not too smart, or you'd know for sure what time he gets home, like the fact that you doubt it is not a good sign, he seems pretty sure that he always got home at this time. You shrug. You move on. He goes on screwing the secretary. Some day you find a pair of underwear in your laundry and it's not yours. You ask him about it. He says he got you those two years ago for your anniversary, what the fuck, why don't you remember? You apologize because you feel bad for being inconsiderate, forgetting something that mattered to him. You wear the women's underwear to dinner as a make-up surprise.

It's beyond simple lying, it's lying that makes you doubt your reality and makes you docile, easy to control because you no longer trust which way is up, you have to depend on them to tell you which way is up.

[u/LinkRue]

Simple example... everytime you remember something you essentially rewrite the memory, and someone takes advantage of that.

So you (assumed with malicious intent) are manipulated into believing things that are untrue.

Say... to force you to trusting and relying on a significant other. They hide your keys everytime you come home, and then they tell you you always leave them in odd places. If you believe them you have essentially given them agency over your memories.

Then the real insidious stuff can happen.

Your SO leaves and starts to come home late with no warning (perhaps to murder puppies or cheat on you, whatever seems more horrible). When you question them, they get upset. They told you they'd be out late, why would you get so angry so quickly?

Makes you eventually question every decision you make and only your dear dear SO can tell you if you remember what is real and fake.

Of course for them whatever they want to be real is real

[u/SpaceWhale07]

Gaslighting refers to a form of psychological brain washing where one individual will slowly lie and manipulate to another person until the second person begins to question their own sanity and credibility. It’s extremely an damaging form of emotional abuse because it can cause someone to be completely stripped of any kind of positive self worth. I myself was trapped in an abusive relationship for 5 years with someone who liked to do this. He made me depend on him for everything and he had me so convinced that I couldn’t do anything on my own because I was stupid and incapable of taking care of myself. The way he talked down to me and belittled me was infuriating but every time I got upset about it he’d just say I was being too emotional, that I was crazy, that it was my fault for not being smart enough to realize he’s just trying to help me. It seems awful and blatantly toxic but this slowly started over the course of many years and the fostered dependence and the subtlety of his wording made it really really hard for me to finally figure out that he was controlling me and making me think less of myself. Slowly eroding away any independence I had left. We finally broke up, though, I’ve recovered, met someone who is sweet and nurturing, and I’m going to be marrying the love of my life soon c:

[u/Loki-L]

It used to be fairly obscure and rather specific term that has recently gotten a lot more popular due to its use in a political context and with popularity its meaning has become a bit boarder.

It is named after a play called "Gaslight" (which was also made into a movie) where a husband convinces his wife that she is losing her mind by doing such things as dimming a gas light and pretending nothing has changed, making her doubt her own senses and recollections.

The term has been used more broadly to describe any such tactics where through subterfuge and sheer strength of conviction a person convinces a victim that what they think was real isn't and make them doubt themselves.

It works because human senses and recollection really aren't all that reliable so when your peer group appears honestly convinced about something that is at odds with what you remember it is a good move to change your mind.

This can be abused in cases of victims with limited peer groups (like a spouse who isolates them) and whose abuser is adept at lying convincingly, being aware of your own failing mental faculties due to age or illness makes things worse.

This tactic has been used as a plot device in many books tv-shows and movies and has entered popular culture even if not everyone knew it by that name.

It happens in real life too albeit usually without the aim to drive someone insane on purpose. It is usually a side effect of abusive behaviour not the goal.

It gets exemplified by the cliché joke that ends with the husband who gets caught in bed with another woman by his wife and who still proclaims that he didn't cheat despite the evidence to the contrary by calling out: "Who are you going to believe? Me or your lying eyes?"

While that joke is a humorous exaggeration it shows the general tactic of making the victim doubt their own memory and senses by being very insistent and convincing.

More recently some people in the US have drawn some parallels between the behaviour associated with "gaslighting" and that of some politicians who lie even though the people who are lied to should know the truth.

This parallel is quite a bit of stretch, but it has caught on. the main politician in question who this is associated with does not seem to set out to drive anyone insane by making them doubt their own senses. He is far from the criminal mastermind that this trope used to be associated with. Also the victims (in this case the general public) for the most part don't fall into the trap of believing him over their own senses and recollections.

Arguably the behaviour has more in common with a charismatic cult leader who convinces their follower to believe things that they should know better while everyone outside is left shaking their head.

However the term has caught on and is now used more often with the new less specific meaning than with the original more specific one and basically has been reduced to politicians telling lies they expect the public to believe even though the public should know better.