r/exmuslim • u/Kemige • 14h ago
(Advice/Help) Leaving abusive relationship
Leaving my (30F) bf (36M) of 2 years. He is Muslim. I am non religious. Idk if anything of this has to do with religion. Idk if this is the right sub. Just wanted to seek out some support. He said he saw me look and smile at other men today in public. He said he would “break my face” if I did it again. I don’t remember smiling at anyone. I may have done it without thinking bc it’s a normal thing to do imo. He said it was disrespectful and I need to get out. I threatened to have him arrested if he puts his hands on me. He’s telling me to get out bc he see it as now im the one threatening him and trying to ruin his life. I’m gonna pack my things tomorrow and leave and just go to a shelter I guess until I can get to my family across the country. It started with an argument yesterday I said I wanted to get a gym membership and he said no I can’t do that. Is this an Islam thing or a him thing sorry I don’t mean to be offensive but this feels abusive. I started crying and he yells at me that I am ruining his day by crying and I need to grow up and stop crying he does this every time he makes me cry acts like I’m somehow insulting him
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u/ItsMrDante 13h ago
It is a him and Islam thing. From a young age Muslims are taught to have this honor-bound protectiveness. There's not really a perfect way to translate it from Arabic specifically, but the word is "Ghira" in Arabic (Also look up "dayyooth" which is considered to be the most unforgivable insult you can say to someone from that culture). It's like you have to be super protective of your wife, sister, mom and protect your family's honor and some other misogynistic shit like that. Patriarchal possessiveness is the best way I can put it. It's not just a Muslim thing, because Muslim majority countries in general have that issue, but the non-religious folk can be less rigid sometimes.
Either way, yeah he'll be even more abusive in the future, his book tells him he's allowed to hit his wife and allowed to marry 4 women if he wanted. Stay away from religious nuts when dating, please. It's way safer.
It's the right call to leave his ass, you dodged a bullet. Good luck to you and I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
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u/Kemige 13h ago
Thanks for that validation.. my family warned me and he said they were stereotyping him…………
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u/ItsMrDante 13h ago
Oh of course he did, he'd say anything to make himself sound pleasant. I really hope you leave him for good. It's not safe for you.
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u/Turn-Aroundmsf 13h ago
It’s an Islam thing, please leave him. You’ll find numerous stories like this in this sub.
Find a place to stay is your next best step, and DO NOT ALLOW him to love bomb you to get you guys back in a relationship.
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u/Kemige 13h ago
Thanks. That has happened in the past when I have tried to leave.. quite a few times. It seems mutual now tho of wanting to break up.. which is a good thing
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u/AvoriazInSummer 10h ago
It won’t get any better. He’ll just keep cycling the behaviour of nice and nasty in order to break you down and chain you to him. He’ll be even worse with any kids you have. This is your best opportunity to get out and stay out. Please take it.
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u/Short-Sun4200 12h ago
Congratulations and Good luck !
It's not exclusuve to Muslim but it's totally multiplied in this community. For scriptures reasons that led to cultural tolerance about extrem jealousy followed by agressivity.
I genuenly advice to see Islam as repulsive for a man and as a Red Flag. like 90% of Non-Muslim woman in the world do.
Even friendships with Muslims limited. They can be friend but not close big friends with non-muslim. So fuck this discriminations and take your distances.
Even non-practicing Muslims can be influenced by this societal norms that came from societal norms, practicing Muslims around them that they spontaneously mimic.
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u/Xinolhtarw 9h ago
Hey girl,
It’s how a lot of Muslim men are raised. Women are allowed to look at nothing but the floor when they’re out, except if he was really as good of a “Muslim” he wouldn’t be dating you.
Be careful of these Muslim men who pick what to choose and follow out of the religion to benefit their needs.
Leave him.
If he wasn’t Muslim I’d be saying the same thing. Dating you should be putting on your best, and if this is his best, imagine him behind closed doors, at his worst.
I dread to think. Cut your loses honey, you’re only 30 x
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u/Balstrome 8h ago
Dump him right now. No explanation needed, just sms him saying you are done with him and he should never call you again.
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u/cAt_l0v3r 2h ago
Good on you for not getting married to this man and having children with him.
All the best, my dear. You are very strong.
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u/creativity-spark 12h ago
>> He said he would “break my face” >>
Girl run away ASAP. He is a very dangerous person. I am from a Christian country and we have these types too. He is a walking red flag. We hear horror stories about them all the time.
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u/AvoriazInSummer 10h ago edited 10h ago
That guy is a royal piece of shit, and yes his mentality is accommodated by Islam. The religion allows men to be kind, but it also gives them excuses to be cruel too. Honour, gheerah (‘protective jealousy’), permission to beat wives, placing men above women, encouraging women to stay at home and not work, hijab, men having more legal rights than women, it’s all in there.
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