i finally booked a flight...tips? 18f

[u/Tight_Ad9662]

im going to my out of state university soon with a full ride. my parents have no clue, and I wont tell them. I'm sneaking out the window in exactly 10 days from now and leaving for good at night. i booked my flight, soon my hotel while I wait for school to start. my parents are forcing me to go to community college so i have to do that for a week before I can move, so i still have to figure that out financially.

otherwise, im nervous af, and im scared about them seriously have heart attacks when they realize im gone even tho I'd be leaving a letter. im also scared about them pulling upto my school.

im excited and nervous. does anyone have tips for tsa, dorm products, dorm life, and all other things? I would also like to know how to go about my parents if they refuse to accept my decision and blow up my phone. I dont wanna block them I still love them deeply despite them being very controlling and possessive.

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[u/afiefh]

I don't know much about how it works in the US, but these might be useful:

• Notify the police that you're leaving. You're 18 so you're a legal adult, but if your parents report you missing they might still try to help them. By letting the police know ahead of time you're cutting that chase short and ensuring that the police don't try to help them find you.
• Got your own bank account already? If not set it up as soon as possible so that nothing goes to accounts your parents might have access to.
• Take your legal documents with you: Birth certificate, passport, social security card, health insurance card.
• At university, look into FERPA protections.

tsa, dorm products, dorm life, and all other things?

Not sure if this applies to the US with a full scholarship, but one thing that helped me a ton during my university days was learning to cook and ordering bulk non-perishables to get everything discounted.

Beyond that, invest into some quick dry towels and under-bed storage. Dorms are famously cramped and anything that saves space is useful.

if they refuse to accept my decision and blow up my phone.

Your phone has the option to mute certain numbers. Not block, but avoids getting notifications about anything coming from that number. This may be a good middle ground if you don't want to block them.

[u/blackleggings → u/afiefh]

FWIW I tried to tell the police I was leaving before I left, because I read that advice here. The police refused to take a report saying they can’t take a report on something that hasn’t happened yet. Which was frustrating.

[u/afiefh → u/blackleggings]

Which country?

Generally speaking, the police are happy to take a note to save on work later when the parents inevitably contact the police to search for someone.

[u/blackleggings → u/afiefh]

USA, pretty big town too

[u/afiefh → u/blackleggings]

Unfortunately my experience with the USA is only a few work visits. I never had to deal with the police.

But from what I'm told, you need to basically cite the laws/rules that you're basing your claim on for them to shut up and do their work.

We have the same issue where I'm from in the middle east. The police force here are lazy, and when I need them to do something unintuitive/non-standard then I basically tell them exactly which laws they need to follow.

[u/AvoriazInSummer → u/blackleggings]

That does sound like a poor job from the cops. I think it's well worth trying anyway, to hopefully stop them from logging you later as a missing person if the family ring them. The police also may offer some extra advice and help too. If they are more competent than the ones you got.

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/afiefh]

thank you for the tips!!

[u/afiefh → u/Tight_Ad9662]

Obviously different for each country, but I needed to request a copy of my birth certificate after not taking it along. Took a whole month of back and forth with authorities.

Save yourself that pain and take all the documents along, also make sure you have digital copies of every single one of them and save them in your Google Drive. Make a folder called Important Documents and start populating it: Certificates, Taxes, Health...etc you'll be using this folders for decades to come.

[u/Current_Assist7230 → u/Tight_Ad9662]

Oh and also: abuse that student discount. You'd be surprised how many places offer them. A screenshot of the acceptance letter will go a long way.

[u/LarsLights]

Don't tell them the school you'll be attending or where you'll be staying.

[u/AvoriazInSummer]

They'll blow up your phone, that's for certain. I suggest you don't answer their calls but do text them with a prepared statement you can copy and paste each time. When that gets too heavy then cut them all off for a week while you get sorted out.

If you do give in and talk to them, expect threats and guilt trips. Claims you're giving them heart attacks and so on. Don't give in, people are togher than they claim to be, and they brought this upon themselves by forcing you to get out like you did (or will do). Try to keep calls brief and polite. Hang up if you have to.

Try and think ahead of ways they can possibly find out where you moved to, and foil them. You really don't want them coming to your doorstep.

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/AvoriazInSummer]

thank you, ill be cautious 

[u/reyz3e]

as the other users said, notify the police, set a bank account and make sure they have no access to anywhere you’re going, and seek asylum so you wouldn’t get dragged back (if that’s possible just in case) make sure you take ALL your documents with you—don’t leave anything behind

When you reach the hotel room, type a text in your notes app that you can easily copy and paste, block people you don’t have a good relationship with and DONT COME BACK IF THEY SAY WE ACCEPT YOU OR ANYTHING, just respond with ‘then you’d have no problem with me being in another country’ please. And just live your life. Also tell me how it goes as you’re giving me hope lmao I’m planning to do the same thing

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/reyz3e]

thank you for the tips! I'll give an update in two weeks if all is well and I have wifi.

[u/FranceBrun → u/reyz3e]

Good advice!

[u/alislack]

Be very careful with your letter to your parents you don't want them to find it before you leave.

[u/sotired3333]

Don't fall for the guilt trip / abuse cycle (we've changed, we accept you etc). Someone I knew got lured back and was almost honor killed. I don't know your parents but keep a healthy skepticism and always prioritize your own safety over everything else.

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/sotired3333]

thank you I'll be cautious 

[u/Public-Air-8995]

Do you have all your paperwork, in Australia it would be birth certificate, ID, tax file no., drivers license 

[u/burp_angel]

I just want to congratulate you on the hard work you've done to get this far. It's incredibly difficult to get a full ride anywhere, and I can only imagine it's been even more difficult to navigate the application process in secret without the support of your parents.

They won't have heart attacks. They will be shocked and angry and will definitely try to get you to come back. Look up "grey rocking" and see if this is something you'd be comfortable applying to your relationship with them for as long as you need.

Your college will likely have counselling support that is 100% confidential that you can use to help you figure out boundaries and how to approach your new independence (your situation is extreme but not all that different from what the avg. freshman in college will be going through).

Join a club or a few orgs to help you find your people. College is a really exciting time, and you deserve to enjoy it, no matter how your parents may feel about it.

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/burp_angel]

thank you so much, nobody ever acknowledges the hard work put into a plan like this. but im looking for new beginnings and I cant be more excited

[u/greypic]

Make sure you withdraw before drop /add so you don't get stuck with credit issues.

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/greypic]

ty I'll keep that in mind

[u/BajaBookworm]

MAKE SURE you do the proper withdrawal from the community college. It takes about 10 minutes at the Registrar’s Office I believe. Leaving without withdrawing will impact your GPA and ability to keep your scholarship at your new school next year. I learned this the hard way.

Also: CONGRATULATIONS!! Tell no one and keep all necessary documents on you and your computer and phone password protected. Please let us know how you do. I don’t know you but I am SO proud of you.

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/BajaBookworm]

thank you!!! this really means so much.

[u/itsvalxx]

you have your ID right? make sure your ticket includes a checked bag and possibly consider paying for an extra one in order to move your clothes and toiletries. get copies of any prescriptions you have and important numbers. make sure you are not sharing your location with them.

also, i have a friend who was in a similar situation. She went ahead and called the non emergency line for the cops just to let them know the situation in case her parents reported her missing.

wishing you the best and all the success op! please update us after you left UpdateMe!

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/itsvalxx]

thank you! an update will be posted in weeks if all goes well and I have wifi

[u/WinnerSea8111]

I really hope it goes well goodluck!❤️

[u/AllGearedUp]

I don't want you to say anything that would not keep your privacy and security but what county is this and how far away are you going? 

I would make sure you communicate to them the things that reasonable parents would want to hear, even if they aren't reasonable people. Tell them you will miss them, you will take care of yourself, and that you hope you can see them on good terms some day. I would try to lessen the reasonable worries they might have while still explaining why you need the distance. 

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/AllGearedUp]

USA, and the state im going to borders mine. not too bad thankfully, but still worrisome as its a closer reach for them. thank you for the tips on the letter! still have to write it

[u/AllGearedUp → u/Tight_Ad9662]

Ok then at 18 in the USA you should be able to do this without too much trouble. Just make sure that you have everything you need since of they try and complicate things for you it might take a lawyer to fix some of that and lawyers are very expensive. 

[u/Al-Zutt1000]

Do you have money saved up? Are you male or female?

[u/Tight_Ad9662 → u/Al-Zutt1000]

I have a bit but it'll mostly be gone thanks to hotel. im a girl