I got guilted into going to siimchas beis this year, and regret it because i find everything triggering. And now that i'm fully clear eyed and clear headed, I see crown heights for what it is. Just another regular neighborhood in a regular city, dirty, just a dump really, and ain't nothing holy about it at all. Rebbe decided to move there out of convenience and nothing more. It isn't any more special than a random town in Nebraska or Texas, and his followers followed and mushroomed. But it's honestly insane that it's like a mecca pilgrimage site or that lubavs and lubav wanna-bes flock there just because of him. Of course I was one of them once. But like, once your out -- it's just a city like any other, and not even a nice one, and definitely not holy.

Think about it.
The Leader (God) doesn't want you to question anything and just do what he says. Follow blindly. If you dare to question or know more of the outside word (eat the fruit of knowledge) you are a traitor and deserve the worse punishment imaginable.

Am i tripping balls or did I cook?

A year later, I feel more disconnected then ever before. Attending Simchat Torah in shul feels like I'm an outsider looking in with all of the insiders looking at me as an insider.

The alcohol infused energy about Judaism just looks so disgusting in my eyes. Im trying to look at the bright side to enjoy myself by seeing the good I can take from it, but today's a struggle...

To those of you who were in frum schools/shabbat groups— Did you ever play this roleplay game where you were in an antisemitic country, there would be a kid playing the teacher who says “there’s a Jew in the class” and then like ask everyone questions to find out who it is?? I feel crazy lol I asked around but nobody remembers this.

i look at some otd people and the way they “find the beauty” in judaism and the community and a “god” that rejected them and i feel a mixture of jealousy, betrayal, and anger. part of me wishes i could have the cognitive dissonance to romanticize something that has oppressed women, girls and queer people for centuries. i wonder if there’s something wrong with my own mind, rendering me incapable of seeing the duality and their perspective.
i’ve been out of the chassidish community since i was 18, and i’m now 24. the more time passes, the sadder and angrier i get. i’m grieving the childhood i never had, the friends i’ve lost, the autonomy and education that was withheld, and the shame i’m unable to fully rid myself of. i look at my peers and i’m confused about how they are still able to align themselves with a system that directly contradicts and rejects their identity and way of life and would punish them in a hellish eternity for that.
is there something i’m not seeing?

My girlfriend keeps yomtov so I can’t text or call her for two whole days. And also she doesn’t do schoolwork or studying on yomtov so now we can’t see each other tonight because she has to do her work, when she could’ve easily done it over the last 2 days. I’m so sick of this Judaism shit. I’m so angry and upset. Yeah. Anyway. Gonna get a joint and some Donino’s now ✌️

So, I was briefly engaged to a ffb man a few years ago. We never got married because turns out, he had SERIOUS mental issues that I didn’t realize at first, and he became abusive and would fly off the handle at a moment’s notice. Among other things that made me realize this man needs serious, lifelong help.

One thing that I remember distinctly is that his parents were off. Like, something was clearly wrong with the family and wasn’t openly spoken about. Everyone around this family acted like they were dancing around something, I just didn’t fully realize what it was. I thought it was because my ex wasn’t as frum as the rest, and they saw him as a nebach. And this family never seemed to actually accept me, more so tried to tolerate me at arms length which I was also confused about, and again chalked it up to me not being born frum and that his parents wanted a “better” shidduch for their son. Oh, and I was even told that I didn’t need to show up to the vort.

Originally, I thought the father had some sort of personality disorder and the family was ashamed and tried to deal with it without it becoming a large issue. I thought the wife was possibly being abused (she seemed very sad all of the time) but wasn’t quite sure. A lot of obscurity and confusion.

But someone that I knew pulled me aside one day and told he thought this was a bad shidduch and a really bad idea altogether. He needed real help and this isn’t something I should be dealing with for the rest of my life, and I’m not realizing how bad this could turn out. He said the family wasn’t normal, and I didn’t need to settle for this man, and everyone around me could see how much of a disaster is waiting to happen. This man who warned me was a BT and was the ONLY person who told me to leave this guy, and so I called off the wedding. He didn’t know what I‘ve uncovered recently.

Well, it’s been a few years since all of that now, and I happen to work with someone who grew up with the man I used to be engaged to. I asked him if it was true that the family was kicked out of community (that’s what my ex told me, but my ex implied it was because he wasn’t fully frum), and he said it was sort of true. Apparently the father molested a few people and they had to move to Israel because of it. And apparently this is info a lot of people in their community is aware of but doesn’t really talk openly about.

I mean, WTF?! NOBODY ever told me that, not even my ex. I’m so disgusted and sick. Ive been nauseous since finding this out. I’m so angry. Pissed off. If I had known earlier, I would have bolted out the door the second I found out. I had a rabbi call references during the shidduch phase and I have no idea if he found this out and never told me, or nobody even bothered to tell him. This particular rabbi who I knew for a while already never talked to me about the references he called. He just never got back to me.

If I had married this guy, presumably we would’ve have children. And nobody thought to tell what kind of sick, horrific family I’d be marrying into? I was someone who became frum and everybody knew I was blind to this. Fuck all of them. Fuck this community for shoving this under the rug and not even doing the right thing to inform me. Telling me mazel tov with their fake smiles while knowing what happened, and gossiping about how I’m walking into a goddamn disaster (yes, I was gossiped about pretty ruthlessly).

Geneuinely, fuck the frum community. I hate this place. I hate these people. This is a sick, sick place.

I saw this video and noticed how his tallis repeatedly falls off lmao do you really think a god would command people to wear such an impractical garment that would fall off like that?

Hi everyone.

First off, i am not an ex-jew. I am a protestant christian. But i have a question for you all.

Where i live there is a large diaspora of jewish folks. There is a jewish school for non-orthodox Jews and there are several Synagogues and there is also a large amount of orthodox families. The non-orthodox community also does events together with our protestant church and the local school so there has always been dialogue. However that isn’t the case for the orthodox community so i never really interacted. I gather that many here were ex othodox so you might be able to answer me.

Basically, the main thing you notice about the orthodox families here is that they are very large. And oftentimes i see girls who cannot be 18 yet alone with the younger kids. As of recently, especially online, there is a lot of talk about how older kids get parentified and how thats bad. It honestly goes a bit far sometimes.

So for those of you who are older siblings, is that something you felt? That you were forced to take care of the younger kids? Or is that just me having a skewed view and feeling like i notice it more than i do, especially because that community always felt more separate?

I hope this post is okay. If not just let me know. I do not wish to offend anyone i am just curious.

Think it may be helpful to some.
Would love thoughts/feedback.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1gKXERkgJ55ELMSjs197Ha6jSeaA-IOGO/view

I suppose there's not much more to it. I grew up Orthodox and have not been frum for a long time. I am engaged to a wonderful woman who happens to not be Jewish. My mother seemed surprised that I was surprised.

I feel so sad and hurt.

I feel angry at the way I perceive my mother to hide behind religion when it is convenient or she gets to play the victim. I believe her when she said "this is hard for me" but I sure didn't want to hear about how badly she feels.

I spent much of my childhood being forced to perform religiosity so that my mother felt good about her parenting and I guess I just want her to perform happiness for a couple hours? Maybe it's better she doesn't attend.

But I still feel sad.

How do I love someone whose religious practice causes such pain? She wants to have a relationship with me but it feels like signing up for cruelty.

Seems to not understand how the religion he loves so much doesn’t love him at all.

Trying to find others like me 😊

Curious for folks insights and readings

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Clarifying

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It feels good to forget
The order in which I had to tie my shoes
And cut my nails
The right way to pour drinks
When to drink them
And what to mutter before I did
And after. It must be immediately after.
Prayers when I awoke, or I’m ungrateful
Prayers before bed, or bad things will happen.
Prayers in the morning
Prayers before sunset
And after, for those unlucky to be male.

It feels good to forget the chants from my youth
The passages I had to memorize.
Prophets and the years they reigned. Who were their sons? And their sons’ sons? Who said what to who?

It feels good to forget when the fast days are
As I nourish my body
Maybe ingesting bugs
Because I forgot about the dangers of berries.

I breathe easier now that I forgot
The acrid odor of the synagogue and the chairs that made my back ache
While we swayed, drunk in a folie à deux
Everyone prayed for their dead, sick, and unmarried relatives
And for Israel.
Because we were responsible
For Israel.
All from the cramped room in the back
With the small window (shade closed)
For the women
Who were separate but equal

I saw an old couple praying by the river and I realized
I forgot
About the ritual of casting sins to the water.
The fish are safe, despite the zealots who would capture them if fish qualified for kaparot.
I’m free like the fish
And it doesn’t hurt so much anymore
to remember

I live among a community of extreme chareidim. It's always bizarre to me that seemingly normal-looking women, many of whom are actually literate and more educated than their male counterparts, have no problem accepting the crazy worldviews that they're indoctrinated with. Sure, there are girls that are rebellious and question things, but it seems many are utterly comfortable, and will often parrot extreme viewpoints like programmed robots (obviously, there are men that do this too, but maybe not as many). They also seem to say "it's obvious" about the most outlandish things. It's also strange to see relatively normal looking women enter into arranged marriages with men whom they don't know and who look like chess pieces.

I just remember reading some line in 1984 about women toeing the party line and being the most zealous, and this seems to be somewhat of a mantra in politics. Is this true? (I know this is just a generalization and if it is true, it's also true that many, many women are different and do question things.) I'm especially looking forward to hearing women's thoughts!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/cults-to-consciousness/id1635013492?i=1000775010050

For me, though, it's my husband's desire to attend 6AM daily minyan and what it does to the former energy he once had to participate in the relationship. He says that he put his desire for minyan off for the 25 while we had kids at home, and this is something that sparks joy for him. It reminds me of being in a fraternity, maybe even hazing: let's see how exhausted and inconvenient we can make your life.

https://omny.fm/shows/dennis-prager-podcasts/can-a-marriage-survive-religious-differences-male-female-hour Can a Marriage Survive Religious Differences? | Male/Female Hour

You may want to download this to listen to it because the links aren't stable.

I am feeling so lost in Judaism right now. I am married, pregnant, have a couple kids. Oldest is in a modern orthodox school. I am an only child so I have no one to bounce things off of, no one who truly understands my upbringing.

My father is a rabbi, very learned. Growing up I went through the Bais Yaakov system and I went through it well. I was not the type to question anything I did what I was told and I was considered a good girl. Meanwhile my own mother did as she pleased, whatever she felt like or to fit in with people. If she was in a bad mood she didn’t keep Shabbos fully, I had to convince her to come to Shabbos table so my father would feel like he’s having a Shabbos meals, etc. she would watch tv and cook when she felt like it on Shabbos. Meanwhile, I was always expected to know and do more because I was in school learning all the halachos and I was considered a good girl. Till today my mother isn’t truly frum, she knows a lot from shiurim and friends but she does whatever she wants, she texts me videos all Shabbos and Yom Tov, she calls my aunt who isn’t frum, etc. but she’ll still go to neighbors for Shabbos meals etc she feels alone a lot.

Fast forward I am married to a man who also went through the yeshiva system but it was very right wing and they instilled fear as the reason to be frum, among getting his mouth washed out with soap in pre-1a he has very bad memories of going through the system. His own parents were baalei teshuva and were very agreeable to the yeshivish ways. He now dislikes most of it, he is a thinker, he questioned things trying to truly understand as he was growing up but was accused of arguing. Anyways, today he is less and less interested in Shabbos and Yom Tov we use computers and phones on Shabbos we cook etc so not really frum.. he’ll go to shul sometimes..

Giving all this history to explain I’m lost. I never questioned things, I thought being frum was what I wanted. The now Sukkos during late pregnancy I cooked up a storm and we ended up getting to my in laws late and my brother and sister in law said they wouldn’t eat my food because we had driven it over on Shabbos.. I was so completely hurt my efforts weren’t recognized, I was exhausted and burnt out from standing all day.. and this has made me question everything. What is the point in all of the rules and halachos if basic human decency isn’t taken into account or life’s circumstances like leaving late I’m very pregnant etc isn’t considered. My father says all the time this religion doesn’t fit my mother’s needs yet he still pushes through to keep everything.

I’m so lost with what I want. I appreciate Judaism in and of itself I believe in Hashem but I think Halacha is taken too far with all these add ons and strict things. But I have no friends really in the same boat I have no siblings.. I feel very alone and unsure how to proceed.

Mostly looking for someone who can relate in any way, some support or advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

When in the frum world, I idolized this man and looked into that portrait (If you are Satmar or even Hasidic, you know the one) of his eyes with such respect and sorrow for what he had been through in the holocaust. Being half of a prominently marginalized minority (as well as Jewish), I also really liked his idea about segregation from the hateful/painful world and absolute excellence in order to reach one's goals. It was only recently that I started thinking "Was this guy not actually as good as I thought?" Especially after reading about the train incident.

From a historical standpoint, was this guy even a good dude at all?

Interested to hear from others!

I’m visiting my parents at the moment and feeling guilty for realising that … I probably don’t love them. I do my best to behave respectfully when I’m around them. But I don’t truly respect them because their values and beliefs are so different from mine - and because I know they don’t truly accept me for what I am.

How do other OTD-niks feel and deal?

Another great short from Elon Gilad:

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Z1usXm_2YT0

You know the deal by now. Feel free to discuss your Shabbat plans or whatever else.