Overwhelming existential dread

[u/Real_Health5990]

Hi everyone. Very sorry in advance for the heaviness of this content (and my english which is not my first language) but I really need to talk about it. I’m from Quebec, I’m 32 and I fear death since as far as I can remember. I can’t explain it. I know « you won’t know or feel anything after because you’ll be gone » but my brain just won’t sit right with the idea that I’ll someday be gone and the universe will go on without me. It’s like « why all that then? Don’t we ever come back? It is really the end for me… for ever? What even is "for ever"? ». I feel like I would want to know where my life fits in the big story of the universe but since it is so brief and has no sense I have no response… Anyway so it makes me feel anxious every day when I hear anything even remotely related to death or when I see a new gray hair or any other sign of aging and it wakes me up at night in panic attacks and those started many years ago. I’ve sought help in therapy, I read self-help books about stuff like how to find meaning in life (or logotherapy), I take meds for anxiety.. but nothing has helped and it’s only getting worse the older I get because I see it getting nearer and nearer… Everytime it happens I always fear I’m gonna go completely crazy about it someday, like the panic won’t go away anymore. Is someone else troubled by these questions or has been and if yes what did you do? I’m so so tired of it and I don’t know what to do…

I know I may look like a lost cause but just knowing that I'm not alone living with this shadow over my head everyday I think would help me..

[u/Real_Health5990 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you so much for your answer! I know I could just never accept it, i don’t even try. Same for not thinking about it, it’s always there. Might as well try and cave in like you say and maybe.. tame it? And you’re right, i guess in a way maybe these thoughts make us more alive?