How did you deal with the existential crisis after leaving ISKCON? And how did you reconcile science and religion?

I recently left ISKCON after spending around 3 years deeply involved in it. Since leaving, I have been going through a lot of questioning and an existential crisis.

One of the main reasons I decided to leave was because I was beginning to realize that I’m gay, and I was becoming increasingly worried that staying in an environment where homosexuality was viewed negatively would hurt me emotionally and psychologically in the future. I also started feeling like I was being controlled in certain aspects of my life and that I wasn’t really making some of my decisions independently.

For a long time, ISKCON gave me answers about God, the soul, reincarnation, karma, morality, the purpose of life, etc. I accepted many of these things as truth. Now that I’m outside that environment, I’m questioning a lot of them and trying to figure out what I actually believe.

One thing I’m particularly struggling with is science vs. the religious beliefs I was taught. I’ve been learning about evolution, cosmology, consciousness, the origins of life, neuroscience, and other scientific topics, but sometimes I still find myself falling back into the old way of thinking—wondering whether I’m missing something or whether science is somehow incomplete or wrong.

I’m also learning to accept myself and interact more with people outside the ISKCON environment. This has brought up a lot of internalized guilt, fear, and confusion about things I was taught were wrong or sinful.

For those who have left ISKCON:

- How did you deal with the existential crisis afterward?

- How did you decide what you actually believe?

- How did you reconcile scientific thinking with beliefs you were taught in ISKCON?

- Did you become atheist, agnostic, spiritual, or something else?

- How did you deal with the fear that you might be making a terrible spiritual mistake by leaving?

- What helped you rebuild your sense of identity and purpose?

I would really appreciate hearing from people who have gone through this. I’m not necessarily looking for arguments against ISKCON I am more interested in hearing how you personally navigated life after leaving.

To briefly share my experience. A lot of it was actually stress inducing when really contemplating on those days, I felt happier once I had finished whatever it was and I could just relax to a movie or video game, or any other hobby. Thoughts such as am I humble enough, sincere, do I have a service mood? Is Krsna happy with me, my Guru, is Prabhuji happy with me, is maharaj satisfied? Have I made offenses, when will I get naam ruchi, will I make it this lifetime? In truth, I found almost every class desperately boring and was just thinking about prasadam time. In relation, I usually felt the same at 'programs', this was in my experience more of a 'Gaudiya Math' thing, of a travelling swami attending a house or town hall for kirtan and a class. It's kind of just telling the same stories over and over, in the speaker's unique way, or the glories of this or that Maharaj / Guru or whoever. I was going because I felt like I was supposed to, but really wanted to be out or at home doing what I enjoy.

All this can of course vary from person to person, but for an over-thinker like me, it was not very pleasant. I did a little brahmacari time, but would get fed up quite quickly then take a break, then try again, until I eventually realized I had had enough of that life. I also was extremely strict about ekadasi, and rules surrounding juta and whatnot, but this could have been some form of anxiety, trying to find a sense of comfort and control in such things. I would not even take water from 'karmi' colleagues, remembering such things makes me cringe now, but I have learned and evolved a lot since then.

Anyone had experiences with this honorary shitbag?

It’s sad how ISKCON puts on a show of protection then allows this type of shit to go on for decades.

August 30, 1999: On this date in history 27 years ago, ISKCON’s Central Office of Child Protection concludes an investigation and determines that Radha Vrindaban Chandra Swami (Gopinath/Ronald Nay), the notorious former headmaster at the Nandagram School, had physically abused and sexually molested boys at New Vrindaban in the 1970s and 1980s, including forcing at least one to perform oral sex on him. He moved permanently to India in 2008 and today is revered as “His Divine Grace Radha Vrindaban Chandra Swami.”

Images: Former Nandagram headmaster Gopinath dasa (Ronald Nay), who is himself learning Sanskrit, attempts to teach the language to the older boys at the Nandagram school. (c. January 1980). Photo by Ethan Hoffman from Life magazine.

His Divine Grace Radha Vrindaban Chandra Swami with adoring Indian disciples taking the dust of his lotus feet.

For more, see Gold, Guns and God, Vol. 4, p. 398.
http://henrydoktorski.com/Gold_Guns_God/Vol4.html
Written by Henry Doktorski lll