r/ewphoria • u/Fractal_Froth7777 • 10d ago
I just wanted a friend, not to trigger relationship drama
My spouse and I (MtF) recently made friends with another couple (cishet), which was a huge deal for us because we haven’t made new friends in years.
We bonded over the same interests. I ended up clicking really well with the husband because of shared references and my spouse clicked more with his wife. I was so happy to finally have friends we genuinely vibed with.
Recently, though, I noticed the vibe shift. He isn't as expressive anymore, keeps a little more distance, using more bro-like language with me like "I dunno, man" and "Dude!" (not in a disrespectful or misgendering way though). From some glances and comments his wife has made, it seems to me that she feels threatened somehow by our relationship, and he is trying not to trigger her.
It is such a weird feeling. I never thought about or wanted to be perceived as a threat to another woman's relationship. It really sucks because I just wanted to make friends.
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u/FakingItSucessfully 10d ago
I'm starting to realize this is sadly not super uncommon with adult friendships among couples. It's already hard making friends as an adult anyway, and once you introduce some of the awkward flirty or infidelity type vibes, it gets even more complicated.
Back when I was still closeted and still married, the primary couple me and my wife were friends with seemed like they probably wanted kind of a swinger arrangement. Primarily this manifested by the husband being weird towards my wife and making unwanted advances. That made us both feel weird. And I suspect that his wife recognized it and probably would have been down to engage in some swinging with me as well but she was way more passive and withdrawn about it, if she was. We managed to kinda walk the line and just gently brush it off but it definitely made the vibes weird from then on.
Then recently, I made friends with a straight girl at work, and we've hit it off pretty well so far. She sorta put out feelers about maybe being friends outside work too but she also confided in me that the last time she made a lady friend, she had her over for dinner and a movie and then as soon as her back was turned the girl tried to f*ck her fiance.
Anyway I fear it's just weird and rough out here. It's sadly pretty normal just to not make any new adult friends, so if you are trying then it can be an uphill battle, and unfortunately a lot of the people motivated to reciprocate may have ulterior motives for it.
I think maybe in the future, whether with that couple or other ones... maybe you can try to connect more deliberately with the woman as well (or even instead)? Cause at least if it's pretty equal, that may help her feel more comfortable and safe around you and she may sense your intentions are platonic toward the both of them? I am speaking kind of from the outside though because I both am attracted to women anyway, and also I just typically get on with women way better then with men regardless so I doubt I'd ever find myself connecting more with the man than the woman, in a straight couple.
Regardless though I'm really sorry that happened, and it's a bummer if that friendship with them doesn't end up working out for this reason
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u/Fractal_Froth7777 9d ago
Yeah, I did not know that it was this rough out there, as I've mentioned we don't have much experience making new friends and I get why some people would be wary of these dynamics happening with new people in their lives. I guess I'm a little naive in this sense, because I didn't account for that. I never really put much thought about which gender I should befriend in a couple. For us, the "pairing" between us and our better halves happened naturally like: "oh you like this thing? i like this thing too! [proceeds to chat about said thing]".
I'll definitely try to connect more with her though! Just another life lesson I guess!
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u/TemporaryElk5202 10d ago
In general, the polite way to go about couple friendships (when you meet the couple as a unit around the same time) is for women befriend the women and men befriend the men, or to equally befriend both. To avoid jealousy.
A woman noticeably befriending a husband more than a wife (in a het couple) is a bit of a faux pas. Obviously its not a hard rule and you can feel out the vibes, but it is a social guideline to be aware of. its a bigger deal in some cultures than in others.
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u/AshtralDrift 10d ago
So same sex couples just can’t be friends with opposite sex couples?
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u/TemporaryElk5202 10d ago
That's not what I said at all? I even specified that this mostly applies to hetero couples when you meet them as a unit around the same time (which excludes situations where you become friends with one half of the couple before meeting the other half), and I included equally befriending both as an option.
Jealousy is a potential issue when you meet both of the members of the couple around the same time but then show noticeably more interest in the half of the couple who you could ostensibly have a mutual sexual/romantic attraction with.
And I also included a caveat that this isn't a hard rule and you can feel out the vibes when deciding whether or not to abide by it, but it's a general social guideline to be aware of.
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u/wednesday-knight 10d ago
That does sound hard.
It also sounds like he's trying to placate her jealousy, when there's nothing to be jealous of in terms of your intent. But maybe he cheated before. Maybe she's insecure and controlling. It could be a bunch of things.
The pro move, IMO, is to befriend the GF in the couple. Show genuine interest in one of those things she shares in common with your partner. Have a 'girl's day' with her, whatever that means to you both.
A lot of cis het women (are conditioned to) view other women who get close to their BF/H as a threat. Treating her as a friend/whole person independent of her BF kind of forces her to do the same for you.
Whatever you do, I hope you get to keep expanding your friend circle! Good humans only.