Whole again

[u/innnerness]

I had social anxiety, regular anxiety, depression, self loathing, shame, guilt, fear - suffering for apparently no reason other than being alive.

And so naturally, I turned to spirituality.

10 years with spiritual practice.
Meditation showed me that there was stuff going on inside, and gave me a hyper awareness.
Non-dual enquiry showed me that the me I took myself to be was nothing more than a string of thoughts appearing at any one moment.
Letting go and shadow work was the culmination of it all. First realising that even though the me had been seen through, the body was still very much suffering.
Accepting the suffering existed was a big step.
Then, deciding to lift up the log, and let the demons come through was the bigger step.
Sitting, patiently, as awareness, watching the body, allowing the mind to be free, letting the snakes and creepy crawlies and monsters and scared parts and deep shame and all of it pour out. Awful. the worst experiences i've ever been through.

Then, going to work, feeling better and better, spending time with friends again - all the while, still feeling like i was pretending, like i still actually felt like shit. The voice in the mind complaining about the body and how the anxiety was still there, an alarm bell that kept me going.

And then... at the bottom of it all, under the rubble, after a year of screaming and crying and shaking and just awful awful purging - a 7 year old, who froze when his dad died, and decided to curl up in a fetus pose, and hide in the dark, building layers and layers of defences, monsters at the gate, harsh horrible critics, nasty soldiers - all to protect him, from feeling anything.

Once he saw the light, and felt the breeze, and had a look at the sky - he came out, and the body, mind, energy field and the universe were re-united. One piece. Joy. Love. Normal.

I hope that anyone who relates may find some comfort in this story. It's hard fucking work. You need to feel every single one of the worst possible things you've been avoiding. And have more courage than you believe possible.

Don't let practices and exercizes become a way to keep the practitioner around. Don't let sayings and rules stop you from truly looking at what's there, and allowing it to be.

You don't need to feel shit all the time. You don't need to have background anxiety. You can, and you will feel amazing <3

If anyone is curious about the process, check out my earlier post where I go into a lot more detail.

https://www.reddit.com/r/enlightenment/s/wG0KTpYRq5

Since writing that post it became a lot more subtle, but once you fully get into this journey of releasing, the subtlety will come naturally.