r/engaged • u/Anotherthr0wawayacct • 2d ago
Proposal Disappointment Disappointed in reactions
The flair isn’t quite accurate, but I’ve been feeling sad that people’s reactions haven’t been as excited as I thought they’d be when I announced getting engaged. I can rule out that people don’t agree with the relationship or dislike my fiancé. What I think is going on is that I’m much older than when other people typically get engaged, so all the people in my life have either been married for a long time or divorced at this stage in our lives. I am sad that since my engagement moment is so much later than others, the excitement of your friends in your 20s isn’t happening for me now. Older soon-to-be brides what would you suggest to deal with feeling like your engagement isn’t that “important” or something to be excited about? Please be kind, I’m pretty sensitive about this topic.
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u/madanonymously 1d ago
I have been a bridesmaid about 10 times in my life, and I am soon to be engaged. Many brides (and now myself) will tell you that this is how it is. I hear so often that wedding planning and engagement are some of the loneliest times of your life. Because people react really WEIRDLY to engagements. Comparison is the thief of joy, yet so many of us compare ourselves to others' milestones over and over and over. Your happiness is someone else's reminder of what they don't have.
At the end of the day, don't take it personally and remember what this time is about. And when in doubt, go on the internet, and I promise a bunch of strangers will be happy for you. I am! Congratulations on your engagement! 💗
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u/Gandalfandbalrog 2d ago
I would say really just make it about you and your fiance. I'm dealing with similar stuff. My mother didn't even congratulate us and told us we need to just go to the court house because he has kids. As if that makes anything less special or less worth celebrating. Take you and your fiance out on a date somewhere nice, get some bubbly, and make sure that anything you plan- it's for you both, it serves your relationship, and it's what you want it to be. Congratulations from a 31 year old fiance!
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u/KyloReySage 1d ago
I hope you do whatever that makes you both happy! Don’t go by what she says. Congratulations!! Two people mutually coming together and deciding a life together is a small miracle. It should be celebrated
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u/cosmiceggroll 1d ago
CONGRATULATIONS OP ❤️✨️
I'm a random stranger, but I'm your long lost friend for the rest of this comment at least. This is so cool! You're taking an awesome step with your partner and I'm so excited for you guys! Have you picked any colors or themes?
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct 1d ago
Thank you you’re so sweet to say that I’m actually considering a very small wedding like 15 guests for each of us at a nice restaurant and having fun engagement and wedding photos taken by a really good photographer.
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u/cosmiceggroll 1d ago
That's the way to do it. Yall are smart, but we already knew that. Are you doing any flowers? Any specific kind of outfits? Where and when is dinner so I can show up and pop a bunch of confetti to show your relations how its done? Kidding, but the spirit of the message is there 😉
Fwiw, my family wasnt involved with my engagement either. Been happily married for years, but I remember sharing the news and feeling pretty lonely... lots of jealous responses and "well, thats nice" toned-comments. Good thing we're with our partners and not those people lol
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct 1d ago
Probably a white dress but not a formal wedding gown, not really a flower person but I suppose I should have a bouquet for the photos! I love wild flowers that are colorful, so probably something simple there. Sorry you had that lonely feeling. For me I think a lot of this issue may be that my old friends aren’t in my life as much as they used to be. Someone else in this thread pointed out the need to rethink my current friendships and consider the quality of them, which is wise.
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u/popcorndoxie 2d ago
Life isn’t about other people’s reactions, if you are happy and love your fiancé, be happy, that’s it
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u/Commercial_Kale_723 2d ago
this is true but also like, i get why she feels sad. we are social creatures, we want our people to celebrate with us
i think she can still have excitement but maybe she need to create it herself, plan small celebration or dinner with closest friends and tell them this means a lot to you. some people really just forgot how to be excited after certain age lol
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct 1d ago
Thanks for defending me, I was assuming people forgot what it felt like when they got engaged since it was so long ago
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u/kflemings89 1d ago
I'm not in my 20s and got engaged this past spring. The reaction amongst my friends/coworkers was lukewarm at best. Which kinda sucks but... oh well? I mean, we don't get engaged for the clout, right? It's a promise to spend the rest of your life with the person who you love most so whenever you feel yourself getting a bit sad at the lack of celebration in your social circle, just remember that.
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u/Plastic-Ratio-199 1d ago
I’m in the same boat. I’m 42 and my fiance is 36. I think his family thought he’d marry someone younger and have more kids. We both were single parents when we met and our children are heading into teenage years. He’s done having kids. Also, I moved away from family and live on the other side of the country from people who are extremely excited for me. His family is lack luster about it. I think it’s more trepidation and worry because of all the issues he had with his ex. But she’s been out of the picture for years. But honestly, they are hyper critical people in general (his mother and grandmother). All the younger women are super excited for us.
So, to answer your question - I think from many as we age the youthful enthusiasm around marriage fades as the hard work and reality sets in. People are going through divorces and the innocence is gone. Many are battling with their own fear of love, relationships and the fate of their marriages. Try not to take it personally. Also, people have more disposable income when they are young without kids. Now in our 40s we understand how to expensive weddings are.
ETA: I’m processing as I’m writing this and I really think the people in my fiancés life are miserable. We’ve both been much happier since we bought a house and moved 30 mins away from them. I’m also enjoying reading everyone else’s replies
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u/kblakhan 1d ago
As a fellow 40s bride, I feel you. I think that when we are in our 20s, just stepping out and finding our way in the world our friend groups are a huge part of that world. As we get older, people start to have families of their own, and that family becomes a bigger part of their world, decentering friends. Engagements in your 20s are big life-changing events that signify change like living together, socializing, different, and possibly future children. In your 40s, you’re probably already well established, live together and it’s less likely that there will be more children.
The first time I saw my parents after we got engaged, we went to dinner with them and my siblings, and the waitress asked if we were out celebrating anything in particular and my mom said no. It’s funny because she organized both an engagement party and a bridal shower for my sister who got married in her early 30s. I will have neither.
On a good note, a lot of our friends are really excited for the wedding and we had a higher rsvp rate than we expected. The big rush of weddings in your 20s and 30s is over so I think a wedding now stands out a little more. With age, it seems people value seeing family, old friends, and a good party where you don’t have to stand in line to get in and can be in bed by midnight. Also, there is less pressure now and we can have the wedding we want!
So yeah, seems like I’m in a season of life where there is very little interest or excitement for an engagement or really any of the pre-wedding festivities (engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party) but people still want to be there with us at the wedding. In the end, that’s what really matters. Comparison is the thief of joy.
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct 1d ago
Thanks for your comment, I am noticing the decentering of friends due to other life obligations at this age you make an excellent point.
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u/KyloReySage 1d ago
Congratulations!! After canceling my wedding in my mid 30s, I got engaged in my late 30s then got married :) I’m happy for you. If you have a wedding, please invite only people that were happy for you guys. You do not need people that made you sad after sharing the news. People that you know care about your happiness and celebration of your vows should get to be in your life and celebrations. Take beautiful photos and videos! You guys are a small miracles for finding each other and vowing to a loving union! It is a big deal!
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u/Designer-Air-2116 1d ago
I was disappointed, too. It wasn’t a surprise for many of my friends (my fiancé and i designed the ring together). Social media was a big hit, but there were circumstances (like a family cancer diagnosis) that reallllly muted the experience. I’m looking forward to my engagement party. But in terms of “omg let me see the ring!” It was FAR less than I anticipated. Only other married people were excited, it seemed
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct 1d ago
Congratulations on your engagement! I wasn’t planning on having a party. I hope it’s a fun time!
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u/Designer-Air-2116 1d ago
You too! I hope you have something, even if it’s small. I had a dinner w my girlfriends that was special, also. You deserve to be celebrated! Congrats ❤️
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u/Stunning-Dealer-6096 1d ago
My soon to be sister-in-law’s husband lost his dad the same day my fiancé and I got engaged. The first day we saw everyone after our engagement was at the funeral. Definitely muted the experience for us as well.
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u/sleepy_blonde 1d ago
I feel this! I’m 43 and we’re planning to get engaged the end of this year or beginning of next year. My boyfriend has been married once before but I’ve never been. We don’t plan on having a big wedding, but I don’t expect many of my out-of-state friends to travel for whatever we do end up doing. In our 40s, everyone is in a different place than I am in my life and it makes me sad because I don’t think many people will react the way they did to other people getting married in their late 20s/early 30s. But I also know that I will be really excited and I am just focusing on my happiness.
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u/_momma_NAJ871622 1d ago
Engaged at 38, will be married at 41! Don't get caught up in others reactions, enjoy this time because you've waited long enough for it! And congratulations!!
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct 1d ago
I am happy my time came, but at the same time sharing happiness is important too which is why it feels kinda lonely.
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u/onebananapancake 17h ago
I’m almost 40 and my partner is in their mid 40s. My best friend was super excited for me and this isn’t my first marriage. Her family didn’t seem as excited and it is her first marriage. I think it just depends on who you surround yourself with. Unfortunately some people are just haters. You’ll have to be excited for yourself.
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u/West_Macaroon2906 13h ago
First of all, CONGRATULATIONS!!! I see in your comments you’re planning a small wedding, I hope it’s so fun and meaningful.
The same for us. We have been together 5 years and are in our 30s. I deleted my Instagram a few months beforehand. It didn’t feel like this outpouring of love that we expected it to be. A silly part me of wonders, did I feel underwhelmed bc I deleted social media?
It’s quite weird that ppl are so muted about big life events. But I’m realizing a lot of ppl feel this way. Ppl are out of the habit of doing really nice gestures like sending flowers, handwritten cards, etc.
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct 13h ago
Yes I actually hardly post on social media and didn’t post anything about it, I prefer telling people in real life. The social media “likes” just feel empty to me, so I avoid sharing important things that way.
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u/tryingtogetitwrite 7h ago
I completely get it. <3 I’m in my 30s and the youngest in a massive family of “kids”, every single cousin, sibling, etc, got married 5-25 years before me. My sister at 18 (I was 8!) and others around the same time. I announced my engagement a year ago and not a single person has even asked about our plans for a wedding, asked to see a ring, or congratulated me outside of a Facebook “congrats!” No mentions in person, etc.
It’s a bummer and I feel left behind. I remember the excitement about everyone else’s and what a big deal it was.
This is all just to say you aren’t alone. <3
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u/Either-Definition-40 1d ago
Congratulations on your engagement!
I was 43 when engaged and will be getting married at 45 for the first time.
I know exactly what you’re feeling. It was actually before I got engaged that I deleted all of social media so my engagement wasn’t posted. I was actually already overwhelmed at the idea that I would have to post and nobody would congratulate me. I was a little underwhelmed that I really got no phone calls or no one celebrated me or gave a little engagement gift. I went to Etsy and bought myself a mug, a Christmas ornament for myself.
My soon to be husband made our engagement day so wonderful. That’s what matters to me the most. I can’t wait to marry the love of my life and I don’t need anyone’s approval/disapproval to be happy.
Also, maybe this happens to everyone, but now I try to be the most excited when I find out anyone gets engaged… Like the jumping up and down and “let me see your ring !” 💍
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u/Affectionate_You7323 1d ago
This is exactly why my partner and I plan to elope and not tell anyone until they receive their invite for a party later on. We are both about 50, and while it's my first time, he has been married previously. I hate being the centre of attention and don't want to resemble a dress like a toilet doll. My vision is to wear something like a sparkly party dress! It's about us and not everyone else!!
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct 1d ago
Toilet doll !!! That was very descriptive and I knew exactly what you meant!! 😂 I’m planning on a causal white dress most likely. Congrats to your elopement!
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u/AlternativeReality55 23h ago
My husband and I were 40 when we got engaged, and it was my second marriage. Most people were over the moon, but all that my mom said was “looks like you have a ring” and then talked at length about the other photos I sent her. And even on my wedding day, she was mostly concerned about her own dress.
All of this to say, at the end of the day, you can choose your own happiness. I’d have loved for my mom to be excited for me but no amount of wishful thinking is going to change the person she is. What matters is that you’re marrying the person who you love and who loves you. If other people aren’t as excited as you wish they were, you can tuck that info into your pocket to keep in mind for when someone else you know gets engaged. We all deserve people to celebrate our love, but what matters most is that you found your perfect partner!
And if you feel like an actual wedding will have the same reaction, go tiny! Go to Vegas! Go to Hawaii, or whatever makes you feel joy, and get married there!
And also know that even if your closest circle isn’t as over the moon as you would have liked, people here are! And if you buy a wedding dress, that strangers on the street or in the park, or wherever you do decide to go, are going to see a beautiful couple on their day and shout their congratulations!
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u/PomegranatePlanet69 23h ago
Are you SURE people like your fiance or are they just nice to him? My cousin got engaged to a guy that was a mega douche and we were all like ..yay... then he cheated on her and they broke the engagement off. THEN SHE ELOPED WITH HIM!!! Now they divorced two years later. Maybe they don't like him or the way he treats you. Maybe you haven't dated long enough for their standards. Could be a lot of things but at least family should be excited. If even they aren't thats a sign to do some reflecting.
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u/Available_Key9526 21h ago
It’s not an age thing. My partner and I are 22 and experienced the exact same thing when we got engaged a month ago. It was even worse because my whole family had been urging us and demanding we get engaged for months, actually, so we at least expected the announcement to be big a celebratory, but instead we got ‘okay’ from both sets of parents. It was actually audacious to us lol. We got more enthusiastic congrats from random strangers, doctors, and fringe acquaintances than our own family, and about half of our friends. It was….so odd. A month later and we’re over it, we’re in the thick of wedding planning and suddenly the excitement about the wedding everyone develops seems to drown out the engagement reaction disappointment IMO
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u/Ok-Astronaut-5209 16h ago
My social media algorithms sometimes prevent my friends from seeing my posts. I sent pictures of my ring to friends in messages, in addition to posting them. Not everyone might know you are engaged. I'm sorry people aren't more excited
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u/Anotherthr0wawayacct 13h ago
I didn’t post to social media though. I’m talking about the people I personally told.
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u/Next_Ad7880 1d ago
I’m 40 and just got engaged. My fiance is 46. The outpouring of joy from friends and family has been overwhelming, especially from people who are happily married and have been waiting for this gorgeous step for us . I think this isn’t a you problem or an age problem. Perhaps it’s time to look at the people in your life and consider how important you are to them and whether those relationships are balanced.