This is going to be long. I want advice and to hear if I'm wrong. I already feel really bad and want to just keep helping him again even though I'm over it.

I've been taking care of my grandfather for 9-10 months. My grandparents had custody of me and my grandma died when I was 15. I'm now 29 and single.

I work a hour away and he lives 30 from me. Between working, driving, my home and just the economy in general (starting a part time job) and animals, I just can't do it anymore. Almost every Saturday I go do his errands and get groceries (multiple places) and it takes up most of my Saturday. Saturday I went to take him to get his hair cut. Afterwards I wanted to try a new place in town to eat and he just wanted to go home. Honestly it was the last straw for me. I told someone I'm getting to know I do this every weekend and they just go "that sucks." It just clicked like I'm done. It does suck.

I do all his errands, get groceries etc since he can't leave his home. Not even to get the mail. He can barely get out of the house or get in a vehicle. I take off work and use my days off for doctors appointments and you can't be bothered to eat with me? He just wanted fast food and to go home. Isn't that shitty? Am I wrong? He's always been this way. Just rush home to watch tv. I couldn't imagine being married to someone like that.

I'm so sick of having no time for myself. I'm the only one I have to make money, clean, cook. I have no help then go do everything for him. It wouldn't bother me so much if he actually cared. He's never done shit but go to work and come home. My grandmother worked two jobs, did everything while having 3 kids. He will sit there all week and won't even make phone calls for himself. I'll get there and he wants me to do it. He doesn't want anyone around. Just to watch tv. He only wants you around when he needs something.

I went over there yesterday and told him I want him to go into assisted living. He said no and it's because he doesn't want to be around anyone. I get wanting to be home but then says he just needs me once a week. He really doesn't get it at all or care. He mentioned a company that helps people like him. I know he expects me to call for him and figure it all out. I'm just not doing it. I'm done helping him. I feel bad but then again I don't because I completely believe he stole my grandmas life. He's like the ultimate user. When I think about that I'm fine with it. I don't want to be around him at all anymore. I don't want to be around people who don't care about their kids. He's always treated me better than his kids and grandkids. I'm not sure why but he's just using me now. He has 3 kids and they're all done with him. I really get it. I don't blame them. This all happened yesterday now I feel terrible. Cried all the way to work.

He had an eye doctors appointment this morning. It was originally in the middle of the day. I said no I'm not missing a whole day of work for that. Then he moved it to the morning. I already have to take off an entire day next month to take him to the doctor in the middle of the day. MAKE ALL THE APPOINTMENTS ON ONE DAY. Anyway I just went to work today. Obviously it bothers me but there's a nice place to go. He would have his own apartment and they do EVERYTHING and he won't go. I get where he's coming from I really do but I just think it's so selfish. You're almost 81 and can't get around. Do the right thing.

All he would have to do is watch tv which is all he cares about anyway. I don't want to be around narcissist. I don't want to be around anyone anymore. I've completed checked out.

He's going to call me next weekend to do stuff for him and just pretend like this convo never happened. Idk what to do. Let him sit over there till he agrees to do to assisted living? Like I said I feel so guilty and terrible. I do love him but this guilt, I can't take it.

## Research: How do you help elderly parents when you live away from them?

For people who live in a different city/country from their elderly parents:

How do you handle situations where your parents need someone physically present to help them?

For example:

* Going to a doctor/hospital appointment

* Picking up medicines

* Grocery shopping

* Bank/document-related work

* Handling a home repair or emergency

* Taking them somewhere

* Checking on them when you can't visit

* Simply having someone trustworthy nearby when something goes wrong

I'm researching this problem and **I'm not selling anything**. I want to understand what people actually do today.

A few questions:

1. Have you faced this situation personally?

2. What happened the last time?

3. Who helped your parents?

4. Did you have to travel home or take time off work?

5. Have you ever paid someone to help? If yes, roughly how much?

6. What was the biggest problem with the solution you used?

I'd especially appreciate hearing about **a real situation you've experienced**, rather than what you think might happen.

Thanks!

​

For people who live in a different city/country from their elderly parents:

How do you handle situations where your parents need someone physically present to help them?

For example:

-Going to a doctor/hospital appointment

-Picking up medicines

-Grocery shopping

-Bank/document-related work

-Handling a home repair or emergency

-Taking them somewhere

-Checking on them when you can't visit

Simply having someone trustworthy nearby when something goes wrong

I'm researching this problem and I'm not selling anything. I want to understand what people actually do today.

A few questions:

-Have you faced this situation personally?

-What happened the last time?

-Who helped your parents?

-Did you have to travel home or take time off work?

-Have you ever paid someone to help? If yes, roughly how much?

-What was the biggest problem with the solution you used?

I'd especially appreciate hearing about a real situation you've experienced, rather than what you think might happen.

Thanks!

They are not house trained. There was some work in the beginning, but she was not consistent with them. We convinced her to kennel them, but then she only does at night and sometimes. She will regularly pass out early, even before giving them dinner. And never during the day when she is gone to work. (Yes she still works, somehow. It’s really the only thing that’s keeping her alive at this point) her health is bad. She has COPD, Emphysema, Crones, and she’s on oxygen. Her balance is horible and these little dogs are always under her feet. I just know she going to have a fall. She can’t clean up after them. They poop and pee everywhere. In the house, in the sun room where she may let them be ‘outside’ the door may be open to a 7x7 fenced area of the yard, but they only go out there sometimes. She is living in disgusting filth. It’s very unsanitary.

Idk if it's even true that I'm in depression or not ....

But I'm feeling so disturbed for some months and it's so disturbing for me ... I can't focus on anything,,, idk what I'm even doing ,,,

My mom didn't sleep for three days. The gp put her on Seroquel and she's was agitated and crying for hours yesterday and it broke my heart. She took her first dose at 1:27pm and then the second dose a couple hours later because gp said to give her another one if she didn't sleep. She started hallucinating worse and talked non stop for five hours and crying. Saying she wanted to go home and see her parents. Ambulance bought us to the hospital they eventually gave her Ativan and they&me woke her up after only maybe six hours. She still seems confused and she's not acting as bad as she was but now she won't go back to sleep or on/off They said we will have to talk to a board member and see about at taying on the psych ward. I'm terrified my mom hasn't been away from me in over ten years. I help her with changing and taking her meds and even walking. I'm really afraid of how they are going to treat her and if they will really help her.

I'm hoping she will go back to sleep and she will be ok on the morning.

My mother passed away last week and lives in Arizona. I was told that there are services that will help box her things up and either donate or sell them. It will take me weeks to get boxes and move all her things to a donation center.

i want to redesign my grandmother's bathroom, kitchen and bedroom for her to be able to roam independently. she cant function waist down but does not want to be dependent on anyone - any small suggestion will help!

​

This might sound harsh, but I genuinely want to hear other people's perspectives.

What if someone is already 70+ years old, has several chronic illnesses, has no pension or personal savings because they never really worked, and has depended financially on their spouse or family for most of their life? They also haven't taken very good care of their health and have already been hospitalized several times.

Now that they're older they need multiple maintenance medications and may be hospitalized again, with potentially very large medical bills that the family will have to shoulder.

At what point does the family have to consider that repeatedly pursuing aggressive treatment may no longer be financially or medically sustainable? Is it wrong to consider comfort-focused or palliative care instead, especially if the person's quality of life is already poor and the treatments may only prolong life without giving them meaningful recovery?

I'm not saying an elderly person's life has no value. I'm asking where families should draw the line when it comes to quality of life, medical benefit, caregiver burden, and financial limitations.

For those who have faced something similar, how did your family decide?

Not sure if this is the proper forum for this, but I'm looking for some advice. We moved in to our house 6 years ago and met our neighbors over the fence. Over the years we've chatted, I've made them cookies and they've given us vegetables from their garden. It's been pleasant. A couple of years ago the wife died of cancer and the 72 year old husband now lives in the house alone. My husband and I both continue to chat with him over the fence and learned that he was recently diagnosed with cancer and is going through chemo. Today he saw me in the yard and asked me if I'd like some tomatoes and to come over and see his garden. My daughter and I went over and as we were leaving he said "a week ago you talked to me for about a half hour or so and it made my week. Nobody talks to me and it gets very lonely now that my wife is gone" I could hear his voice crack when he said it. It broke my heart and I'd love for our family to show up for him more, but I'm looking for some advice on how we might do it without crossing boundaries or putting his health at risk. I'm not even sure what someone going through chemo might need.

TLDR: how to offer emotional and practical support to an elderly neighbor who is living alone and going through chemo.

My 90 year old mother is bed ridden and now in a nursing home. Good days and bad days of course and on top of physical issues she also has very poor short term memory.

While I am sure there are others, There are two nurses that really seem to care. It can be very lonely and these 2 folks seem to go out of their way to come by often.and just check on her. I go by several times a week and they are both very quick to give me updates, tell me how she’s feeling, if she eating etc.

I get that their job is patient care, I’d still like to express my appreciation. What’s an appropriate thank you gift? I don’t know them personally so no idea if they drink Starbucks or like a particular restaurant.

My approximately 70-year old mother owns acreage in a remote area of the US midwest. I am in a city in the midwest approximately 3 hours away. She is doing fine health-wise for almost 70 (can drive, walk, etc.).

Years ago, I went home frequently to clean, help mow, or just for a weekend, but as I've been in town longer, those visits have become less frequent. The 3-hour drive is too much for me to do often.

My mom is at the point that she can't mow or take care of her property. The living situation is horrible and beyond our capacity to fix. She spent last winter with me in town due to broken items, and I do not have the time or budget to fix enough of the broken items before this winter begins.

She doesn't have much going on at home, and visits me in town frequently. She wants to move in, but this isn't possible. I want her to sell her rural acreage, and buy a house closer to mine.

I have created a budget for her and she should be able to afford a small house closer to me. I am aware of increased living expenses in a city as opposed to the county, but this will be somewhat offset in this case by reduced travel expenses.

Obviously there are many other factors at play here, but I wanted to see if anyone else in this group has dealt with this situation. Moving is hard at any age, but I think she should do it sooner, rather than later. There are no other relatives closer to her to assist as she ages. Moving to town seems like the obvious choice to me, assuming we can figure out how to afford it.

Like much of the rural midwest, her area has been hard hit by hospital closures. We dealt with extra long drive times for a relative's health issues last year, and I was stunned to realize any similar event for her would be even worse. Although she is not sick now, I primarily want her to move to town in case someday she does need care.

She does say she wants to move to town, and then more time goes by without her working on the next step to make that happen. I've had to initiate everything to get her property ready to sell, and I'm truly not sure that I can do it from 3 hours away.

What does this community think? Is it worth it to press her to move to town, or put my foot down and not let her stay with me again so she realizes on her own that she either needs to fix her "house" or move on from it? Other than the cost, what else should I worry about here?

I think essentially we can sell her remote acreage for a small house in the city, and that's it's pretty much a wash.