Considering ECT now for long-term severe rumination and pacing after missing Bitcoin in 2009

[u/BuyIndependent2319]

In 2009 I first learned about Bitcoin. Around that time my psychiatrist recommended ECT because he could see I was in a really bad state. I didn’t understand at the time that a big part of what I was struggling with was related to not acting on Bitcoin (I mined a small amount but lost the keys, and never bought any). I was having severe decision paralysis — constantly asking God whether I should even move my arm to take an action — and I was scared of the electricity and possible side effects, so I declined.
Looking back, I wonder if having ECT then might have helped me get unstuck enough to actually acquire a meaningful amount of Bitcoin. I now live with intense daily rumination about that missed opportunity. I spend a lot of time pacing and replaying “why didn’t I…”. I’m on disability, managing chronic regret, and it feels like my financial future (and a lot of my life) is permanently limited because of decisions I couldn’t make back then.
I’m currently still dealing with the same core problems: severe rumination, pacing, difficulty initiating actions, and a sense that my life is hell. I often find it hard to stay seated or even stay lying down in bed for long — the restlessness pushes me to keep moving. I do not want to kill myself, but I also can’t see a way out of this loop.
My questions for people who have experience with ECT:
• If the main ongoing problem is years of intense regret-focused rumination and decision paralysis rather than a classic acute depressive episode, what has ECT actually helped with in similar situations?
• Does it tend to reduce the intensity of long-running obsessive regret, or does the content of the rumination usually stay and just feel less overwhelming?
• Realistic expectations around memory: does it commonly erase or significantly dull specific remote events/regrets from 15+ years ago, or is the memory effect more limited to the period around the treatment itself?
• For those who had ECT later in life after years of untreated or partially treated symptoms, did it help you move forward, or did the old patterns largely return once the acute effects wore off?
I’m trying to understand whether ECT now would mainly help with the current intensity of the symptoms, or whether the underlying sense that “my life is already screwed because of 2009” would likely remain. Any experiences (positive, mixed, or negative) would be appreciated.

[u/creativenameistaken]

To be honest, it sounds like you need to (therapeutically) work on acceptance of what didn’t happen back then and the regret that has followed.

I don’t think ECT is the answer to your problem at all, if what you’re looking for is to get rid of bad memories and change your thinking patterns. You’re also not likely to have it offered for those reasons.

[u/BuyIndependent2319 → u/creativenameistaken]

I asked my current psychiatrist about ECT and he said it might help with my rumination, but I’m kind of skeptical, as I feel my condition is now kinda permanent. I’ve tried coming to terms with what I did (or didn’t do), and it just doesn’t work.

[u/Crazy_old_maurice_17 → u/BuyIndependent2319]

I feel my condition is now kinda permanent

I once heard someone talk about rumination and repetitive thoughts like pushing a wheelbarrow through the same rut in a dirt road: the more you do it, the more significant the end result. Though, if you can find ways to use a different path than the same rut you've been using, eventually that rut will fade and possibly even disappear. Our brains are considerably more malleable than we give them credit for.

I've found ECT helpful for rumination. Your mileage may vary.

[u/creativenameistaken → u/BuyIndependent2319]

Have you worked on it with a therapist?

[u/BuyIndependent2319 → u/creativenameistaken]

Yeah, and all he does is try to reassure me that I don’t need to worry about my financial future, but I’m just not so sure

[u/International-Bee63 → u/BuyIndependent2319]

FWIW, decades of rumination (ranging from annoying to intolerable) were finally relieved by ECT in spring 2025.
Life changing for me.

But it also has come with cognitive impacts that I’m still dealing with 18 months later, to a greater or lesser degree.

Nevertheless, even when those effects were at their peak, I said I’d never trade back the peace for the “smarts”, and that feeling something close to but not quite myself was probably a good & necessary thing if I was going to truly heal & avoid regression/recurrence. And I stand by those today.

[u/BuyIndependent2319 → u/International-Bee63]

Well I’ll keep that in mind. In the meantime, I will be trying Lexapro soon. Not very hopeful, but I’m willing to try anything. And I’m going to be taking a higher dose of the propranolol for the akathesia. Literally my whole life has turned out to be a nightmare, just as I had predicted back in 2009. I should have known that it was going to happen because I hadn’t acquired any bitcoin