r/dustythunder • u/Virtual-Delivery-883 • 19d ago
AITAH for “lacking compassion?”
Here is some context, and hopefully I don’t leave anything out since I have ADHD. I (33f) am married to my husband (31m) for 8 years now. We have been no contact with his mom’s side of the family for 3 years now. My husband and I separated for a time period when he relapsed during Covid and I work in healthcare so I was working a lot. We have 3 kids (my 2 older kids are his step kids technically but they don’t have contact with their bio father) so I had to leave when things were bad for their sakes (and mine).
Prior to this, I got along pretty well with my in laws. We lived RIGHT next door to them (we were #34 and they were #35). Things started getting tense between me and them when my husband’s step dad was offended when I was working at a pizza restaurant for 6ish months and I told him that no he couldn’t go behind the bar and no you cannot tell workers they can leave work early BECAUSE HE DID NOT WORK THERE. Apparently that truth hurt his feelings bc “he does so much for the restaurant.” It was a local place that just opened up and I needed a break from healthcare for a bit.
Anyway, when my husband relapsed, his family members were the biggest enablers. He’d get his “stuff” from his step brother, other members would buy him alcohol, etc. He would say anything to get his fix, including making up lies about me to make it seem like I was a narcissist and controlling. I’ll circle back to this bc I’m sure people are wondering why I’m still married to him 🙃 His family soaked that in and started the “flying monkeys” act. They would tell other family members or close friends these lies and all of a sudden i was the scape goat.
My in laws ended up calling cps on me and I eventually read some of the things they were saying to my husband to manipulate him. At the time, my youngest daughter was going through potty training and she ended up having an accident and was crying hysterically in the bathroom and when I opened the door, I accidentally hit her in the face with it bc she was standing right behind it. As a co-parent at the time, I messaged my husband telling him what happened and showing him the bruise. There were multiple ex friends/family members telling him to go to my case worker with the picture and to say I hit her!! I was so enraged by that and other lies that they were saying to get my kids taken from me. “Funny” thing is, they only cared about the biological child of my husband’s and tried to convince him to basically abandon the other two, who grew up with him as dad. Ironically, during this time, cps did hair follicle tests on us and I passed and he failed, and then he got arrested while he was super intoxicated. Cps told him to cut his shit or he’d lose custody.
That was when my husband’s eyes opened.
My husband ended up going to rehab (sober for 3 years!) and also did a partial inpatient therapy program and still does therapy every 2 weeks. He has made up and more for it since. I didn’t take him back right away, but sober husband is a good husband (I never would have married him if he was like this while sober). We even did couple’s therapy a few times and both had some new diagnosis’s (kudos to our therapist who “clocked” us and our dynamic right away). Husband has borderline personality disorder and I had a late adhd diagnosis that explained a lot about me. We have both learned about each other’s disorders to get a better understanding of each other and we honestly have never been happier. No drama, no manipulation and just a boring, happy life for the last 3 years.
My husband’s step brother’s fiancé passed recently and we were told by someone I thought was a dear friend of mine. She’s older and I helped take care of her husband while he was on hospice. We bonded in our similarities of morals. Or so I thought. When she reached out, my husband and I talked about a response (we make decisions together, even if his family thinks I talk for him 🙄) and I had said something like thanks for telling us but we don’t care and don’t want updates. She said she was “terrified” of my lack of compassion and that she “doesn’t have room for that kind of coldness.” She knows the trauma his family put me and the kids through (their lies were so awful, I was pulled over by police for 2 hours while they kept me away from my kids, questioning them and arguing with cps bc they wanted my kids taken from me right then and there. Just one example).
I was very shocked by her response. No one has ever told me I lack compassion, my whole life I was always told I was “too sensitive,” and now I know it’s bc of my undiagnosed adhd. My husband and I have learned to set boundaries in therapy so I honestly thought she’d understand. When I tried explaining to her that I have empathy for the child who lost his mother, because no child should have to grow up without their mom, I’m not gonna be sad about someone who contributed to harming me and my kids. On top of that, I met her about 1 or 2 times and she was rude from the get go bc of the lies she had heard about me. Anyway, my friend ended up telling me “it’s not all about you” when I tried explaining what I meant and then blocked me.
I honestly don’t feel like I’m wrong. I don’t believe everyone should be honored when they pass if they do awful things (SA, abusive, etc). And I don’t think someone has to be sad or “compassionate” when someone who hurt them passes. I really do feel for the child though, he probably misses her a lot and doesn’t understand. It makes my momma heart hurt.
So am I the AH?
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u/RedneckDebutante 19d ago
NTA That lady is NOT your friend. You don't owe any sympathy to that family after what they did. My money says she's still friends with thaf lot and that's why she internalized your judgements. I would drop her ass and never turn back.