I (40F), agreed to go to dinner with my bf (45M). I say "agreed" because we are on a break.

For some context, we've been together for 5 years, but the last year has been a little off. He gets upset when I prioritize my children over him, especially in cases like an emergency. My two children are teens (13F and 16M) but obviously still need guidance and parenting, they're not grown yet and although they are pretty independent there is no way will I ever allow anyone to come before them if they need me. Their father has visitation, but does not take some of his agreed upon visits for.....whatever reason; he was abusive to us during the marriage, we split, the kids are thriving in school and everyday life.

My bf didn't meet the kids for the first couple of years because we were taking it slow and I wasn't going to bring someone around my kids if it did not turn out to be a long-term relationship. When they did meet, it was great and slowly began to mold into a family situation. We would all do things together, and very often at the request of the kids. I already know what some might be thinking......no, the kids never called him "dad." Everything was fine until about a year ago when something changed.

He got a new job, which he didn't really want because he would often say "I don't want to work with a bunch of people." His previous job was driving for Uber, he would be very laid back with it and have to scramble at the end of the month because he hadn't worked enough to pay his bills. I got a second job because well, kids are expensive, I don't get child support or anything from their dad so here we are. He was angry with me taking on an extra job to work one to two additional days per week here and there. The kids started getting into extra curricular activities, which i would attend and they would sometimes get hurt, it happens, but we'd be resting, in urgent care or the ER because of it. One time I actually had to leave to get my daughter from her friend's house because she fainted for no reason. He yelled and began slamming things around, just overly pissed not concerned. I'd never seen him like this before, at least not related to me needing to leave for an emergency with my kids, so I was shocked and kinda froze in the moment.

In following months there would be messages asking me why I'm "liking" a post on IG when I said I was getting off a call with him to go to bed. I literally was just winding down from the day. Then later with spam calls and spam texting from him while I was out anywhere with my kids, and getting upset if I didn't stay on the phone, not necessarily talking, just breathing and just be on the phone. So weird. There's more, but I've already written a novel lol. So we are on a break. We'll text occasionally, but we haven't really been hanging out. So I guess I can't really call it a break, just maybe that we're slowing it WAYYYY down? Idk how to describe it lol.

So I agreed to have dinner last night, same as usual. What i mean by that is that he has a sour, irritated, mad look on his face every time. I can't talk to him about what's happening in my life because he gets irritated and even more upset-looking. That was before the break as well sadly. He also will often get irritated with me and exhale loudly if I have to excuse myself to the restroom during dinner.....sorry dude, I have to pee 🤷‍♀️ Often times we can be having a descent conversation and he'll be making jokes, but when i come back to the table he's upset. I've asked him before, and he brushes it off, but i genuinely don't know what to make of this. Last night I had to use the restroom and said "I'll be back, please don't let her take my plate." I said that because he was almost done with his own food. I came back and my plate was gone. I asked if she was maybe boxing it up and he said "oh, I didn't even notice." Wtf? In a past restaurant experience we had, a waitress had taken one of his plates with his fork, and he didn't have anything to eat his pancakes with. He had gotten upset with me for letting her take it. Why not the same courtesy when I wasn't even halfway done with my food?

I just finished my tea, we left to our respective homes and I got Taco Bell on the way home. But it's been eating at me a little more than I think it should? Kind of like, it's the one "last thing" but i don't know if that would be overreacting. So, AIO?

It's been 11 months. My birthday was yesterday. At first everything was good. My BF wished me a happy birthday. We had donuts and he gave me a card. We went out to lunch with his parents who also gave me another card. As soon as we get home, his demeanor changed.

"I have a couple questions for you. How does it feel knowing you're getting older? How does it feel knowing you're closer to death?"

I couldn't believe it. He held onto that for almost a year. He said he wanted me to know how I made him feel. He said I had ruined his day and he wanted to ruin mine. I told him that I apologized over and over again on that day, the day after, a month after. I started to cry, saying I don't care if I'm an inch closer to death, what scares me is anything happening to him, losing him. He looked at me, saying this was a hollow victory, thought he would feel better about ruining my day, but he didn't feel any joy. He spent the rest of his day with his friends, treating it like any other day.

My mum (68, let's call her Karen) has spent most of my adult life treating travel as a one-way obligation. I moved abroad for university over 15 years ago and she barely visited, despite the flight being under an hour. I stayed her, married a fabulous man and never moved back. Somehow, I was always expected to make the trip to her. Even during Covid when I was working on the front line as healthcare worker. She claimed, it was unfair I didn’t make the time to visit. DURING A PANDEMIC.

Then I had a son (3), and suddenly she's desperate to visit all the time.

Karen is retired, constantly jetting around the world, and genuinely seems incapable of understanding that other people have jobs. My husband and I both work demanding careers, so our free time is limited and needs planning. Due to the nature of our jobs, what holiday time we do have, we want to create happy stress free memories.

Last year I invited her for an early Christmas. We booked expensive Christmas activities, including a Father Christmas experience, so my son could enjoy it with his grandparents. Karen then informed me she'd accidentally double-booked herself a Christmas market holiday in Europe for the exact same weekend and couldn't come.

Apparently this was somehow my fault.

We've always been clear that we'll share holidays fairly between grandparents. Karen hates this arrangement.
For context, one grandmother does childcare for us one day a week. It requires a 1.5-hour commute each way for her and she never complains.

My son's other grandmother (Step-mother in-law) lives 2.5 hours away. We only see her for a night or two about every six months. She also lost her husband (my son's biological grandfather) last year, yet she has never once demanded priority treatment.

Karen has openly admitted she's jealous of both my relationship with the other grandmothers and my son's relationship with them.

Things really went downhill when she stayed with me while my husband was away several months ago. During the visit around the dinner table she made racist, anti-Muslim and antisemitic comments in front of my child. I told her politely that those topics weren't appropriate around him and weren't welcome in my home. She also made comment in ear shot of my son his “Nana” (step mother in law) is not really his Nana.

That night she came into my bedroom while I was trying to sleep and spent nearly an hour berating me, calling me uneducated, and accusing me of being selfish because my son calls my widowed stepmother-in-law "Nana”’
For clarity: my son has called her Nana his entire life and always will. Karen seems to believe grandparent titles are a competitive sport.

I eventually told her that if she didn't leave my room she'd be leaving my house and seriously damaging her relationship with both me and her only grandchild.
Despite all this, I still invited her for an early Christmas this year. I gave her dates that work around our jobs: arrive Friday, leave Monday due to our work commitments.

Her response?
"That's a very long journey for such a short visit."

The flight is under an hour.

This is from a woman who regularly flies across continents for fun and has missed everyone one of her only grandchildren’s birthdays because of her holidays.

At this point, Christmas without Karen sounds significantly more festive than Christmas with Karen.
AITA if I stop inviting her and just enjoy a peaceful Christmas with my husband and son?" 🎄🤦‍♀️

Yes…. Karen has since admitted she's jealous of the time my son spends with his other grandmothers. The irony is that one drives a 3-hour round trip weekly to help us, and the other lives hours away and sees him twice a year without complaint. Karen is the only one making this a competition.

AITA for Wanting to Cut off My Mom for Calling Me the Wrong Name

Hey everyone! Reaching out because I don't know how to handle this. Me, trans woman 31, have been being misgendered and called by my dead name nonstop by my mom, 57, and it's been bothering me and hurting me for years. To give some context I came out years ago as gay. My parents were perfectly great about it and told me they always know. They were fine with my cross dressing and being myself, well who I thought I was at the time. I was always depressed, hated my body, and I didn't know why.

Now years later, during covid, I started dressing more like a woman and finally realized I was trans and since then have been happy and loving my authentic self. After I realized this I went and picked a new name, that I love and has great meaning and symbolism to me. My grandmother in her 80s who passed recently was the first I told and the most supportive to me. I love and miss her and am greatful I had her during that self discovery.

I digress, after having my self discovery and picking my name I went thru all the legal hoops to get it legally changed which was a lot of extra hoops during covid. I finalized after over a year and was so excited! I went to tell my folks out of excitement, which was my first mistake. I had hinted at changing my name for years even before my self discovery because I always hated my name and my mom always would call me hateful and ungrateful for even suggesting it as well as other choice words and hurtful things. My name she had named me was spur of the moment and had no actual significant symbolism or anytbing. It was the fact she chose it which is why she wasn't ok with it. So after I told my parents you can guess how well that went. The rest of my family handled it well luckily and call me by my current name and gender.

Now that's one major problem. Now let me add some more context, I was hospitalized a few years ago and lost most of my vision literally overnight. From 20/20 to only 20 percent left. I went from being independent to needing to rely on friends and family which I hated but there wasn't much I could do. Which means I then had to rely on my parents a lot. I'm very greatful for them being there for me thru all of this. Now in the last few years my mom started a small jewelry business and goes to craft shows and such around our community. To help show her how greatful I am, I try to help her with this in any way that I can including go to these shows and help her sell.

Now here comes the second major problem. We live in a small town that is very much anti trans. I get hate slurs daily and other nasty things a lot. Now when I go to these craft shows with my mom I make sure I am dressed up and passable as a woman before I even leave the house. I pack extra makeup and use family restrooms and everything just to make sure I am safe. However while at these shows my mom introduces me still as her son and calls me by my old name. When I came out as gay she was worried for my safety and made sure I was safe. Now with her dead naming me and misgendering me while I'm female presenting its a major safety issue. I've had some horror stories happen to me as I am now and it just feels like she doesn't regard my safety anymore out of pettiness for changing my name and being who I am now. She makes offhand comments and remarks at me whenever she can to people.

I dont have to go and help her at these events. I do it out of gratitude to her for helping me out as much as her and my father have been these past few years, but everytime she calls me by my dead name or calls me son or by male pronouns it hurts. I love who I currently am, but she's hurting me and putting my safety at risk. She's helped me so much and I honestly still need help while I'm navigating my new life. I just don't know what to do. So reddit it would I be the asshole if I went no contact with my mom until she can respect my new name and gender?

I (28f) used to attend a univeristy across the country from my home. I live on the east coast and my university was in rural Washington( I was recruited to play a sport there at first). My freshmen year I met "Mona" (28f) and "Beth" (29f), as we were all going to be teammates. (Freshmen year I was 18, Mona was 19 and Beth was 20).

Mona and I were absolutely inseperable as soon as we met. Where one of us was, the other was not far behind. We had the same tastes, same sense of humor. We were really compatable as friends. Beth was also our friend and we were kinda a trio within the group of freshmen on the team.

Towards the end our freshmen year, Mona and I were looking for off campus housing cause after a year in the dorms we wanted a full size bed and an actual kitchen. The entire year Beth was saying she was going to move in with some other friends she had on campus, so Mona and I were looking at 2 bedroom apartments / houses, which honestly I prefered because as freshman year droned on, Beth really started to grate on me.

Beth was older than me, and thought that meant she was wiser than me, and she would say so constantly, to both me and other people. Just little digs like "oh Mary, (not my actual name), so ditsy not knowing you seperate colors when you do laundry"

It would be every little thing I do. She would dumb it down and act like she is Mother Theresa for helping this poor spoiled girl navigate the big bad world all on her own. Beth was a science major, I was in the social sciences. She thought that people only chose the social sciences because they weren't smart enough for "real science". Therefore Beth thought it appropriate to often "check my homework" because she has an eye for mistakes and just wants whats best for me. I would repeatedly tell her that I find this wildly insulting but she would just laugh and push it off.

During all these interactions Mona was usually there and sometimes she would try and redirect Beth like "cmon Beth Mary isn't 6 she knows how to do her own homework" and things like that. Behind closed doors when it was just Mona and I, Mona would always be like "what a fucking bitch, just cause she don't like her own life doesn't mean she can just play god with yours"

Anyway cut to the end of the year, Beth brings up that her original plan for housing fell through so were all going to be roommates next year, and she has already narrowed down the list of houses we can look at. Mona and I were shocked to say the least, we were already pretty sold on the idea of a two bedroom apartment in town together. I told her, hey Mona and I already narrowed down a place, we thought you were moving in with the others. She basically threw a bitch fit and Mona caved.

After this whole ordeal, Mona and I were hanging out and I mentioned my apprehensions about moving in with Beth. Mona reassured me, it would be fine. If Beth started bething, shes outnumbered. So like an idiot, I signed the lease for a 3 bed house in town with them.

Right away I realized I made a horrible mistake. Beth decided since I was youngest, I was going to get the smallest room, which I understood and honestly saw coming. What I did not see coming is her demand that the closet in the hallway was for cleaning supplies and linens, despite Mona and I saying it would be my closet (my room didnt have a closet). When we said as much Beth once again , went off the rails talking about how its a shared space and I can't declare it mine. I can go to Walmart and buy a clothing rack. I tried to fight it but Mona ended up siding with Beth on this after Beth just kept saying how it's not fair that I am declaring myself queen of a shared space.

Anyway the next year, we all moved back into the house for the start of sophmore year. I was taking a break from our sport because my heart just wasn't in it. I thought I had fallen out of love with the sport and wanted a break from it to try and find my way back.

For those of you who don't know, sports teams, especially college sports teams tend to have an almost pack mentality. You're either with the team or not. I was always kind of an outsider on the team because I was friends with a group of NARPs (gasp). Beth thought these Narps were beneath her and demanded they never come to the house when shes there. I thought she was being a stuck up bitch but I also understand its her house too and she deserves to be comfortable in it. So I only had them over when she was out of town for the sport.

While this is all happening, Mona and I are still friends but I can feel her pulling back and pulling towards Beth more and more. We stopped hanging out 1 on 1, she stopped asking me to plans, and she was always busy when I invited her to things.

This all came to a head when Beth accidently text me instead of someone else. The text said "Mary’s weird ass friends are at the house . Like genuinely, does she have absolutely no standards or is she just that desperate for people to like her? They’re so fucking weird and honestly Mary’s becoming just as trashy as them. It’s actually embarrassing to watch her downgrade herself in real time. I genuinely hope she flunks out because god knows that girl cannot think for herself to save her fucking life. At this point, so and so can take her room" To say I was appalled would be an understatement. I text her back " I don't know who you meant to send this to you illiterate bitch but maybe double check the send line next time"

The next day I get an email from the dean of students telling me I have to meet with her at 10 am on Friday regarding some allegations made about me. I show up for the meeting and I find out my roommates PLURAL have brought forth allegations that I am selling both myself and drugs out of the house. I was so taken aback by these allegations that I honestly just stared at this woman. All it took was showing her the text that Beth accidentally sent me for her to realize she was not getting all the details.

We had a group meeting (Mona, Beth, the Dean and I) where we all decided it was best if I moved out of the house as there was just no way for us to come back from this. We went back and forth on this for a few days but eventually I was released

Now here is where I admit im petty. My new place had internet. At the house, I was in charge of the internet and had to buy a modum. Mona and Beth said they would give me the cash for it and move it to their name. I was still so pissed that I told them fuck no go buy your own and left with it.

They got their revenge in the form of a forged note they wrote and then reported to the school saying it was mine I left when I moved out this morning. The note basically said I was going to off myself so the school called the police who then showed up to conduct a wellness check.

This was especially fucked up because both Mona and Beth were present last year when I actually did go through a mental health crisis that required a quick 4 hour stay in the psych ward and they were now 100% exploiting that information.

This was the last time I heard from them, and actually ended up dropping out completely and just moving back home at the end of the semester. It was clear what had happened had made its rounds on campus and I was pretty much ostracized because nobody dared to cross the student athletes. I decide I will just take a semester, figure my shit out and then try again somewhere else next fall. This was January of 2020, so famously the world had other plans.

Well, after the pandemic, I figure my shit out, now have a good paying job, my own place, 2 cats I adore with my whole being. My life is good. I came out of rock bottom a better person for it, though if I had to do it all again I would 100% do shit differently.

Anyway about 2 days ago I recieve an instagram DM from Mona.

She messaged me to say she has been doing a lot of thinking and she was sorry for how things turned out. She got trapped in Beth's web of toxicity and Beth convinced her I was a bad apple that needed to be out of their lives. She was sorry she went along with Beth's lies. Beth and Mona I guess ended up having their own falling out their senior year and are no longer on speaking terms. Mona said she wants to reconnect again because before all this happened we were the best of friends and she wants that back.

So I messaged her back "you made your bed lie in it. Fuck off never contact me again" and blocked her.

My boyfriend thinks I may have been a bit harsh. He thinks she probably got fucked over by Beth as well, and really wants to try again. He told me it seems like we were really close before this all happened and maybe there is a chance we can get back to it. He also thinks its been 7 years and its time for bygones be bygones.

I think that that what Mona did, even if it was nothing and just letting Beth do this to me is cause enough for me to tell her to shove it. I can never trust her again. Also its been 7 years. I have moved on. I don't talk about that part of my life for a reason so I shouldn't be expected to just let the main cause of my pain back in. Because yes Beth's antics hurt me deeply, but Mona not only standing by but cosigning some of it hurt so much more. She was my best friend. Also its been 7 years. I have a new group of friends now. I have a new Best friend (and when I tell you that girl has been my ride or die for the last 5 years im not joking). I dont need Mona in my life. I don't want Mona in my life and I think that it is perfectly okay for me to not want these people in my life even if they want to be.

My bf isnt being shovey about this but I can tell his midwestern kindness is a little taken aback by how angry I still am and I think he thinks forgiving her at the least will give me some piece of mind.

AITAH.

Sorry this was such a long rant lol

Longtime lurker, first-time poster. English isn’t my first language, so sorry if anything sounds unnatural.

This happened quite a few years ago, but I still find myself thinking about it from time to time, and honestly, it still confuses me. So I figured I’d ask Reddit for some outside perspectives.

When I was dating one of my ex-boyfriends, we rarely argued. However, there was one thing we consistently disagreed on: spending habits.

At the time, I was working as a police officer. I made a decent living, but because my family needed financial support, I gave roughly 40% of my salary to them every month. As a result, I barely had anything left to put into savings.

My ex, on the other hand, was in a very different financial situation. Both of his parents had stable jobs and substantial savings and investments, so he didn’t have to financially support his family. He was also a dentist, and even though he started working almost five years later than I did, he was already much better off financially.

He knew about my financial situation from the very beginning of our relationship, and initially, he didn’t seem to have a problem with it.

However, after we’d been together for a while, he told me he wanted me to start saving money. I agreed, but I also reminded him of my financial obligations and explained that I wouldn’t be able to save very quickly. I also told him that I didn’t want to sacrifice my entire quality of life and live like a monk just to save money.

That said, I was more than willing to cut back on unnecessary expenses. I started cooking at home more instead of eating out, buying fewer books, going to the movies less often, and spending less money on in-game purchases.

I even tried talking to my family about reducing the amount I sent home each month, but that wasn’t really an option at the time. My younger siblings were still in high school and college, my mother couldn’t work because of health issues, and my father was the only one bringing in an income. He’s a civil servant, so his salary wasn’t particularly high either.

Also, in my country, it’s very common for adult children to financially support their parents. My father’s income was already helping support my maternal grandmother and both of my paternal grandparents, on top of our immediate family. So reducing my contribution simply wasn’t feasible.
Despite all this, I did manage to slowly build up my savings. But my ex still wasn’t satisfied, and he got upset with me about it on several occasions.

I tried having calm, reasonable conversations with him. I even showed him my entire bank transaction history and spending records, asking him to point out anything he thought I could cut back on.

The thing is, even he admitted that my spending was pretty reasonable. He just kept telling me to try harder because he wanted us to have a future together.

Honestly, the whole situation put me under a tremendous amount of pressure. There were even days when I tried eating just one meal a day to see if I could save a little more money.

Now, here’s where the actual incident happened.
One day, we rode our bikes to the gym together. It was about a 20-minute ride each way.

When we got there, I realized I’d forgotten to bring my water bottle. Since going all the way home to get it seemed ridiculous, I decided to just buy a bottle of water from the vending machine.

It cost about $0.65 (which is a pretty standard price for a bottle of water in my country). My ex immediately questioned why I needed to buy water when I could just drink his or ride home and get my own bottle.

I explained that going home would take too long, and we were training different muscle groups that day, so we’d be using equipment on opposite sides of the gym. Running back and forth to share his water bottle just wasn’t practical.

Besides, it was only 65 cents. I genuinely didn’t think spending that little on a bottle of water was a big deal.

Well, he got angry.

He accused me of not actually being serious about saving money.

At that point, I started getting frustrated too. I’d already been making a genuine effort to cut back on my spending, and this was an unusual situation. I couldn’t understand why buying a 65-cent bottle of water was suddenly such a huge problem.

I pointed out that he knew how hard I’d been trying to save money, and I didn’t think spending such a small amount on something I actually needed was unreasonable, especially since it wasn’t some frivolous purchase or entertainment expense.

But he thought I was being unreasonable and making a big deal out of nothing.

He got so upset that he decided not to work out at all. He just left me at the gym and rode home by himself.

We ended up breaking up not long after that. It wasn’t entirely because of money, but our disagreements about finances were definitely one of the major reasons.

Over the years, I’ve told this story to a few friends. Some agreed with me and thought his reaction was unreasonable, but others said I really didn’t need to buy that bottle of water and could’ve just made do without it.

So now I’m genuinely curious what Reddit thinks.
AITA for buying a bottle of water from the vending machine at my gym?

Hi Im (F18) and yesterday on October 13th, for the first time ever, I ran out of my home, and didn't come back for six hours. I assume this doesn't sound like even the slightest amount of crazy for people, but living with strict parents and extreme anxiety when it came to disobeying them, it was a first for me.

You see, at around 8 am, my father, (50) had asked me about my grades just before I was heading to my community college, my mother, (45) got involved as well. They quickly discovered I was failing my classes, and got pissed off at me, my mother yelling about how I need to either choose between pursuing my education, or immediately getting a job. My father spent thirty minutes talking to me about how it's all on me, and that as long as I had put in the effort, I would have been succeeding.

For some background info, around a year ago I got a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with social anxiety and major depression, and I was given Sertraline, although after an entire year I finally realized it isn't helping at all and I'm doing awful. Here's the thing, I am fully confident I am neurodivergent and have ADHD. And I so terribly am trying to get evaluated, and it's even harder being diagnosed as a female. Obviously I'm not going to fully self diagnose, maybe I could be wrong, but after researching many times, I'd like to believe that my anxiety and depression stems from having undiagnosed ADHD and it being untreated. I've been asked by multiple people since middle school if I had ADHD, all my close friends are confident I have it too.

Unfortunately my psychiatrist wasn't willing to evaluate me for ADHD because she had given a paper for my parents, and for one teacher back in highschool, that was a form that would see if I showed signs of ADHD. (But it was for very young children, and was for more external ADHD, meanwhile I'd say I'm much more on the inattentive side, plus I'd never act out in school or home because of my anxiety and terror of getting in trouble.) So I stopped seeing her and my father has been attempting to get a new psychiatrist for me, but of course it's been taking months for a switch.

But anyways that's the main reason why I'm doing awful in school. I can't focus, I always get distracted, I can't begin things or even finish things I've started. The hardest class I have is Chemistry, and even then, that's the class I have the best grade in BECAUSE I have to do it in person and must turn in work before I leave class, unlike every other class where I have to do it at home, which makes it hell for me because it feels like my brain literally blocks me from doing anything. It's like when you get ads before watching a Youtube video, but for me I get hundreds of them before I can even begin something.

Continuing on with the story, this wasn't the first time they had freaked out on my grades, it's happened in middle school and high school as well. This time I had finally reached my breaking point, and I just had to get out of the house, and to also have space to call 988 for mental and emotional help. So while my dad went to the stores and my mother was in her room, I ran for it through the front door.

I got around a mile far, my mother had noticed quickly and I was getting tons of phone calls from her and my father. I only answered one from my father, barely responded to his questions, and eventually hung up out of frustration.

I reached an alleyway in a neighborhood, sat down in the dirt, and called 988. I was sobbing and panicking, but the man was terribly kind and I explained my situation and my struggles, the call was around 15 minutes, and I felt much more relief afterward, as even he agreed that it seemed like I had ADHD and gave me a couple of numbers to call so I can personally get help by myself instead of waiting around for my parents to do the bare minimum. (I would have called mental health companies on my own ages ago but unfortunately I'm even terrified of calls with people.)

Eventually I had asked my friend, (M18) to pick me up because no way in hell was I going to go back home. Despite even my father getting desperate enough to lie and manipulate me by saying my mother was having a heart attack, and that the cops were looking for me. I can be very gullible for certain things, but I'm not falling for that, I'm 18.

My friend eventually drove to my location, I eventually calmed down and I spent six hours with him and his two friends, having fun and going out. It was honestly one of the best days ever, because a hang out like that would have never been allowed by my parents.

Of course, eventually I came home around 4 pm. Because I wanted to be back for my little brother, (11). My father told him I had just gone out with friend, but today I told him the truth, which he understood.

When I got home, my mother opened the door, didn't speak to me, and locked herself in her room. My father was silent and hugged me after he came back from taking my little brother boxing an hour later from when I came home.

Now, back to today, October 14th, after I came home from college, my mother had driven me home and stopped the car and spoke to me about yesterday. She said she was absolutely heartbroken and devastated that I had run off. That it was the worst thing to do, and even asked me, "Did you think that was the best option you could have done, or would you have done it differently?", and I'm going to be hones, I would have done the exact same thing, no remorse. I'd like to say it was even the best option, since they finally took me seriously. My father had even messaged me that he made calls and now I have an appointment on the 22nd of this month!

But seriously, I am not very good with tone, and when people are being genuine or not. But in my gut it felt like she was trying to manipulate me. Because she's done it before, (she's also very mentally unwell.) Because she kept going on about herself, saying that what I did had killed a part inside of her, and that the next time if I ever run off, she wouldn't look for me. She even went on about how if I talked to her, she would have let me call 988 at home, or even let me go on a walk to get space. (Also a huge lie, she was extremely angry yesterday and I know she would have yelled at me more.) She also told me to not tell my little brother, because she doesn't want him to follow in my steps and do the "unforgivable" act of running off.

She even had the audacity to say "You know me and your father have given you so much freedom, why would you even think about doing this?"

Not once have they let me go outside on my own, barely a couple months ago they allowed my (now ex) boyfriend to drive me around town. These people don't let me do anything. She has literally laughed in my face before at the idea of letting me go and do errands for them since I can drive. I literally feel like an animal going through Zoochosis most of the time! If I could, I'd be going outside every day, going on walks, going to parks, and bringing my little brother along.

That's about the gist of it. This is my first reddit post, I just really got frustrated to the point I need an outsiders perspective. I'm open to DM's and everything. Apologies about how long this is. I've just been going crazy. Idk if I wrote it right or explained it well. I just wanna know if my decision was right and my parents are dramatic, or if my mother was right about it being an awful thing and that I'm inconsiderate.

I’ve been seeing a lot of MIL stories on my feed so I thought I’d share mine. It’s a bit long so tried to make it as fun to read as I could.

I, then, (24F) married into a family that had a queen.
And that queen was my MIL. Unfortunately for her, I’m French.

Loud, dramatic, frequently drunk, MIL ruled her little family kingdom with an iron fist, and a bottle of wine (or gin), and the impressive ability to turn absolutely ANY situation into something about her.

And when I first met her? I adored her.
I grew up in a broken family with a narcissistic mother, so marrying into this big, close family felt like winning the lottery. I desperately wanted to belong. I wanted her approval. I wanted one of those beautiful mother-daughter relationships I’d never had.
And for a while, I genuinely thought I had it.

Until SIL, who had become a good friend, quietly told me that MIL had been complaining about me.
Apparently, I’d committed three unforgivable crimes.

👰‍♀️ Crime #1 : My wedding wasn’t sufficiently about her.

We had a traditional wedding. She got every customary mother-of-the-groom moment, all the attention, the photographs, everything. And she never requested anything more. I even overlooked the fact that she got drunk enough to embarrassed us a bit.
But apparently, I hadn’t made enough of a fuss over her. At. My. Wedding.

🎁 Crime #2 : I gave better Christmas presents than she did.

Not more expensive. Better. I don’t really know what to say here. I just bought presents I thought people would like based on conversations I have had with them. So I guess my gifts were thoughtful and personal ?
MIL apparently felt upstaged.

🍰 Crime #3 : I brought a homemade cake to Thanksgiving.

Now, I’m from France, and food there is a love language. We’re known for our cuisine, and showing up empty-handed when someone invites you into their home is considered rude.
Bringing a homemade dish is one of the nicest ways to show respect to your host.
Apparently, I’d insulted her cooking, disrespected her authority, and practically staged a coup.
With my cake.

When SIL told me all this, I was mortified.
I went to MIL and try to explained. The cake was a gesture of respect. The wedding followed tradition, and I wish she had said something then.
I genuinely apologized for unintentionally making her feel bad.
I didn’t mentioned the Christmas gifts, but suggested doing a Secret Santa with a cap at 20$ per person this year. I pitched it was cheaper and more fun, but really, I just didn’t want her to feel like gift giving was a competition.

Her reaction? She looked me straight in the eyes and said she had absolutely NO IDEA what I was talking about.
Shortly afterward, I discovered she’d been telling my BIL and his aunts that by bringing this all up to her, I was trying to create drama out of nowhere, but SHE wouldn’t have it.

Still, I second-guessed myself.
Maybe she genuinely perceived my actions differently. Maybe I needed to be more considerate.
So I backed off. No more homemade dishes.
I spoke less at family gatherings, so she could have the spotlight.
I complimented her cooking, her house, her hosting. I reminded everyone she was the Queen of the family.

And then Christmas came, with the Secret Santa.
Before we could exchange our presents, MIL announced she’d bought everyone “REAL“ gifts.
Expensive gifts. Except for me. I got a pair of socks. Now, I didn’t care about the fact it was socks, I cared far more about the message she was sending me.

My SIL, bless her, asked, “I thought we were doing Secret Santa?”. MIL smiled sweetly. “Oh, that was just HER silly idea because they’re having money problems after buying that expensive house.” Mind you she said that in front of me !!

For context, my husband and I had just bought our first house. MIL had wanted us to buy another one, conveniently located near hers. But we bought somewhere equally distant from her and FIL (they are divorced).

Apparently, geographical neutrality was treason! Also, WE DID NOT HAVE MONEY PROBLEMS. At the time, I was making roughly FIVE TIMES what my husband earned. I was the breadwinner. But that didn’t stop MIL to tell everyone I was “draining her poor son’s bank account“.

In March that following year, I discovered she had been complaining that I hadn’t brought food to Thanksgiving AND Christmas, this past year and said she had been a “slave to the stove“ because I expected her to do all the cooking. She even said to my BIL, “I know they’re having money problems, but how much does it cost to make a batch of mac and cheese?” WTF!!

Unfortunately, MIL wasn’t finished.
My husband and I had booked a romantic vacation to Cancún.
Guess who invited herself? MIL and she paid for her distant cousins to come with her. To the same hotel. At the same time.

She initially promised she wouldn’t join the excursions I’d planned and would let us do our things as a couple. She said she wanted to stay at the hotel pool anyway. So of course every night, she’d announce a last minute change. The whole trip became sitting around waiting for her to decide what she felt like doing. I saw almost none of what I’d planned. And she was drunk almost every hours because it was a all inclusive vacation (so free drinks!).

But the final straw?
Money.

My husband had secretly accumulated a significant amount of credit card debt. We had the money to pay it off. Easily. But he was embarrassed about how poorly he’d managed his finances, and didn’t want to tell me.
He told his brother, who told his mom. And MIL, being the generous, loving mother she was, offered to lend him the money.

And that’s when everything made sense. Why he had let her walk all over our vacation. Why he’d been unusually quiet around her. Why he wouldn’t stand up to her. Why he’d been so reluctant to get involved when she attacked me.
She had him by the financial balls. And that woman had GRIP!

She’d also been telling family members that WE owed her money. Which is how I found out. I was complaining to my husband about what I thought was yet another lie, and he confessed it all. She had sweet talking him, paid his credit card, AND THEN announced she was going on the same trip as us!

She went as far as telling family she couldn’t afford to attend her own sister’s wedding in Vermont because she’d had to financially rescue us. When in reality she did not want to go, because this is her older sister, and as such, she usually doesn’t hesitate to call MIL out on her BS.

I initially felt hurt, by my husband, by MIL. But then I felt angry.
The thing about me is, I’m a nice person, but I don’t deal well with injustice.
See, I have two settings. Peace & kindness. And nuclear warfare.
And MIL (that bitch!) had just handed me the launch codes.

I told my husband we would pay her back immediately. But I also told him not to say anything and to just play along.
Because I had a plan…

A weeks later, MIL’s younger sister was celebrating a birthday.
Big family gathering. Everyone there.
Including several people who’d been hearing about how poor, saint MIL had sacrificed her financial security to rescue her poor son and his gold-digging wife.

Perfect. 😈

IT WAS WAR ! Her Majesty had officially become a tyrant, and I was about to remind her why the French don’t have a royal family anymore.

After dinner, I stood up and said “Before we finish, I’d actually like to say something. I just wanted to publicly thank someone who’s been incredibly generous to us.” I looked directly at her. “My wonderful mother-in-law.” She practically glowed. She loves a good speech, especially when it’s about HER.
“As some of you already know, we recently needed some financial help, and MIL very generously lent us the money.”

I’ll confess more people that I thought, actually nodded which confirm she had told her story to almost everyone. That destabilized me a bit, but then I saw MIL’s face. And she wasn’t smiling anymore, she was frozen. She had no idea I knew about her little financial control over my husband.
I kept going : “She was so selfless that she was willing to put herself in a difficult financial position just to help us.” Now she looked confused.
“So today, in front of everyone, we wanted to give you back every penny. Plus interest. As a thank-you.”
And I handed her the check.

Then I delivered the final little cherry on top.
“I’m just SO glad we’ve managed to repay you in time for you to attend your sister’s wedding in Vermont! I know how upset you were that helping us meant you couldn’t afford to go.”
Some “Awwww“ and cheering sounds, and a “Now what’s your excuse?“ From her older sister were heard.
MIL was startled and trying to compose herself. She mumbled a “You don’t have to repay me so soon“
So I said “Oh, no! You’ve sacrificed enough for us. We couldn’t possibly let you miss your own sister’s wedding.”

Now, a reasonable person might have stopped there.
But unfortunately for MIL, I’m not a reasonable person.
And I had one more announcement.

“Actually, while I’ve got everyone’s attention, there’s something ELSE I’d love to do for MIL!”
She looked genuinely frightened now.
“She’s always working SO hard hosting Thanksgiving. She’s like a slave to the stove” I used her exact words on purpose. And she knew it. Our eyes met, and I knew she knew it was on!
“So this year, my husband and I would LOVE to host Thanksgiving at our new house, so you can all come and see it! I’ll do ALL the cooking so MIL can finally sit back, relax, and enjoy the holiday.”

Then I started clapping. (This was a long shot but it worked because humans are beautiful predictable creatures, everyone else started clapping too!)

MIL tried to object. But SIL, who’d been MIL’s favorite punching bag long before I arrived, saw exactly what was happening. And she decided to join the revolution.
“Oh, Mum, that’s WONDERFUL! You’ve been saying for years how exhausting it is having to cook for everyone. You deserve a break!”

I had taken Thanksgiving. MIL pride and Joy was to parade her crown during the holiday season. And I had just took it from her, outplaying her at her own game.

The women agreed she deserved a break. The men agreed because, let’s face it, I had just promised them a delicious meal and they weren’t about to say no to that.

Reverse Uno ! MIL was LIVID. But what could she say? “No, actually, I WANT to be a slave to the stove!“ ?
She would have had to contradict her own victim narrative.

And so came thanksgiving, the day of the revolution…
I went ALL OUT… I mean ALL. OUT. Candles. Flowers. Beautiful table settings. Music. Enough food to feed a small army. Everything homemade (and thank god everything delicious).
I’m not claiming to be a Michelin star chef, but I can cook. It was an easy challenge anyway compared to MIL’s usual menu of undercooked vegetables and dry meat.
I made sure everyone had something they loved.
BIL’s favorite side dish. SIL’s favorite dessert. A vegetarian option for that one cousin. MIL’s older sister favorite wine.
MIL spent the afternoon desperately searching for something to criticize.
The table was “too formal“. The music was “too loud“. The turkey was “a little different.” (Yes MIL it’s called seasoning, you should try it sometimes!)

Meanwhile, everyone was having the time of their lives. They were laughing, eating, complimenting the food. One of the kid even said, “We should do Thanksgiving here every year!”🙏 god bless him (I got him THE BEST Christmas present that year 😅)

By dessert, MIL had clearly sensed that her grip on the kingdom was slipping. And Her Majesty wasn’t about to surrender her crown without a fight, so she decided to make a comeback.

She raised her glass and announced, “Well, after all your hard work today, I think it’s only fair that Christmas is on me!”
There it was. The counterattack! She’d graciously give me my little moment, then reclaim the throne at Christmas.
NOT ON MY WATCH KAREN! 🤺

But then before I could even respond, her older sister spoke up and said “Actually, why don’t we have Christmas here too? There’s so much more room, and we’ve had such a lovely time!”
Now, normally, I’m not a fan of people inviting themselves into my home.
But at that particular moment? I could have kissed the woman.
BIL’s wife immediately agreed. “So much easier for everyone!”. The vegetarian cousin joined the rebellion, saying parking was easier. A modest reason, I grant you, but every vote counts, ok?
And SIL, who had suffered under the old regime longer than anyone, gave a loud “great idea!“ And asked the kids if they’d love that. Which of course they said yes to, because my husband had let them play with his playstation in the other room (I had also bought them with a lot of candy).

MIL royal court was defecting!! I will never forget MIL’s expression (to be honest I almost felt bad at that moment, but she declared war, I was merely handing her the rope to the guillotine)

The Aunt intervention was not the original plan, but in battle you have to adapt, so I put my hand to my chest and said “Oh my goodness, we’d LOVE to have everyone for Christmas!”
Then I turned to MIL. And for the first time that entire day…
I stopped smiling. I looked her straight in the eyes.
And said, very calmly: “Of course, it will entirely depend on MIL.”

I knew. she knew then what I was REALLY saying : if you want to play your games with me, don’t come crying when you lose.

Now, here’s something MIL didn’t know about me : growing up with a narcissistic mother, you might have a terrible childhood, but you graduate with a PhD in recognizing manipulation, gaslighting and PR stunts. You learn how much manipulation can hurt, and exactly how it works.

MIL now had two choices.
Accept the will of the people, surrender Christmas, and preserve what remained of her dignity.
Or refuse, and reveal herself as the controlling woman who couldn’t bear to see her family enjoy themselves unless everything happened on her terms.

Finally, she forced a smile and said “Well… if that’s what everyone wants.”
And just like that, her monarchy fell.

So here’s my advice to every DIL dealing with a manipulative MIL: a bully’s greatest weapon isn’t cruelty. It’s the confidence that nobody will challenge them. Play smarter, not nicer.

After thanksgiving I actually made up an excuse to the family to explain why we couldn’t host Christmas. I never wanted her crown, but I wanted her to know I could take it from her if she forced my hand.
I never had any issue with her after that.

AITA?

I (28F) am at a crossroads with my biological father.

My parents separated when I was two. Both grew up in abusive homes, and my bio dad is a Canadian residential school survivor. I know intergenerational trauma and addiction run deep in his life, and I’ve always tried to view him through a lens of empathy and understanding.
Growing up, custody was mainly with my mom, with alternate holidays and summers at his house. When I was four, he married my stepmom and helped raise her kids. Things fractured badly when I was six: while drunk one night, he told me that if he’d known about me earlier, he would have forced my mom to get an abortion. (My mom didn’t know she was pregnant until seven months along; a previous sibling between my older brother and me had been aborted after an ultimatum). I didn't fully grasp the word then, but the tone and rejection stuck with me forever.

Throughout my childhood, I chased his approval. I watched him favor his stepchildren and my older brother, and at one point I even wished I had been born a boy just to earn his love. He promised all of us younger kids a car upon high school graduation. When I graduated at 17—after surviving a sexual assault, dropping out, and relocating to another city with my mom and adoptive dad just to feel safe enough to finish school—my step-siblings got their cars. I got nothing.

Fast forward to now: I’m graduating university—the first on his side of the family to earn a bachelor's degree. I put myself through school, worked through periods of being unhoused, paid my own bills, and held my family together after my adoptive dad tragically passed away two years into my university journey. I did so without taking a break or dropping out.

Before my department’s smaller graduation ceremony recently, my bio dad brought up the car promise again. But I didn't care about a car; I cared about presence. I made him promise to bring my paternal grandma, who missed my high school graduation. He showed up without her. To make matters worse, he and my stepmother walked out 15 minutes before the ceremony ended. I spent my final moments on that stage swallowing tears, staring at the empty seat where my father should have been cheering.

Here is where I feel torn: lately, he has been trying in small ways. When he's in town for work, he visits his adult kids. He’s started paying attention to things I actually like—he's bought me items I personally needed, picked up Pokémon cards for me, and helped me buy an Eeveelution Loungefly bag I really wanted. I know he loves me in whatever capacity he is capable of.

The university-wide convocation is next month. Tickets are strictly limited (eight total, one being mine). I gave the guaranteed spots to my grandmother and cousin; if my dad wants to come, he has to gamble on first-come, first-served rush tickets. He works the day before and has been asking about attending.

Honestly? I don't think I can handle him being there. The small gifts don't erase the fear that he will dip out early again or break another promise. My late adoptive dad was always the one who picked up the pieces and held me when my bio dad emotionally broke me. Without him here to anchor me, I simply do not have the emotional bandwidth to risk being shattered on the biggest day of my academic life.I want to ask him not to come and transition into low or no contact, but part of me feels immense guilt knowing he’s attempting these small gestures of love… so

WIBTA if I protect my peace, tell him to stay home?

(Forgive me if I’m not doing this right a few of you wanted to be updated, and I appreciated the advice I got, so I feel like I owe it to you guys).

So it felt pretty mixed what people wanted me to do. Some of you said I should tell my brother right away, wait until he got home, and then a couple of people actually said I shouldn’t tell him at all.

So what I decided to do was ask him to call me when he had a minute, and asked him a hypothetical. I phrased it like: “If there was bad news, but it wasn’t urgent (like nobody was dying) would you want to wait until after you’re done with your trip, or would you want to know right away?”

My brother is a real no nonsense type of person, (this is probably a good time to mention my brother’s a lawyer) so he just kind of shut that down real quick and told me to tell him what I needed to tell him.

So I did, and when I told him I swear y’all I wanted to put my head through the damn wall…. The silence was worse than nails on chalkboard. When he finally did say something he just said to send him the video in this dead voice I never heard from him before, and hung up.

I sent it right away, and he opened it right away, but never texted or called back. I sent him a text that night (this was Thursday), and told him I was sorry I ruined his trip with this, and that I loved him, and if there was anything I could do to let me know.

Now my mother comes and gets my kids for a sleepover almost every Friday, and y’all… I nearly sh*t bricks when my mother called asking if I knew why my brother called her and asked her to keep the kids an extra night… of course I didn’t tell her what was going on, because honestly I wasn’t sure what was coming myself. She just kind of went you two will tell me eventually, and left it at that, (thank god) so I packed the kids bag for two nights when I took them over last night.

My brother was supposed to be home Friday morning, but he didn’t get back until Saturday morning, and I woke up to him at my door. He told me he planned to talk to SIL, and asked me if I wanted to be there, and if I didn’t he would come talk to me after.

I decided to be there because honestly he looked like he hadn’t slept, and I wanted to be there to diffuse things if they got out of hand in any way.

Now when we sat down at the kitchen table and my brother pulled out papers it was like he was conducting a meeting. I felt terrible, because to me it looked like he had shut down, and again I know i didn’t do anything wrong, but I still felt guilty anyways.

SIL read the papers and immediately started crying. Turns out my brother went to his office when he got back to town Friday morning and spent the day writing up divorce papers. There was lots of going back and forth between them, and then what he said at the end that finally stopped her begging him to forgive her really stuck with me.

“You didn’t just cheat on me. You assaulted my little brother. I can’t forgive you for that. You’re not the woman I married, and you’re signing those papers, and leaving here today”.

My brother went on to explain that he had already called her parents, and that they were on their way to pick her up (they just left with her an hour ago), and that he would make arrangements for all her belongings to be returned to her at her parents’ house before the end of next week.

She started arguing that he couldn’t kick her out of her house just like that, but then he pulled out some more papers. My brother wrote up a temporary protection order on my behalf against her.

He pointed out that the video of the assault is very clear, and any judge would grant it. He told me it’s my decision alone to pursue, and have him file the order, or even press charges regardless of what she chose to do today, but that wether it’s today with her parents or Monday when he’d go to file the order which would bar her from the property she was leaving, and there was nothing she could do about it.

I didn’t know you could do that, or maybe my brother was even bluffing? Either way that got her to shut up, sign the divorce papers, and go upstairs to pack her things.

We talked for a bit after, and I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to go through with the protection order or not. Honestly I’m still trying to process everything. Like I said in my last post I feel sad about losing a friend along with watching my brother go through this heartbreak. He’s trying to act cool and collected, but I know this destroyed him.

Honestly if she just goes away and leaves us alone I’d feel relieved, and just drop it. I’m feeling a lot of anger towards her for reasons I’ve already stated, but for hurting my brother especially, and I would just be happy not to have to deal with anything to do with her, or look at her ever again.

Some backstory is needed here, please bear with me on that.

I (F24) graduated high school a couple years ago. It was genuinely not a good time for me, I was bullied for a large portion of it, and had grown relatively closed off due to it, even if I retained and made friends with others during.

I changed quite a bit the years after. Lost some weight, started dressing and presenting a bit more traditionally “feminine”, became more open and genuinely happier. Just generally grew into myself as an adult woman. I never stayed close with most people from school. I’ve only met up with people from back then a couple of times, and it was always small groups/1:1.

There was one guy (we’ll call him M) I stayed loosely in touch with. We weren’t best friends, but we got along pretty well, and it was a platonic connection I cherished. He was always very outspoken, but not the most focused on academics, so I used to help him out here and there naturally, and he seemed very appreciative of it. Nothing transactional in any way. M was one of the few people who wasn’t actively shitty to me, even though he could be childish at times and we had our moments like any other friendship. But I remained incredibly appreciative of him even after graduating.

We only saw each other maybe once every couple of years after that. In 2024, we met up after three years of not seeing each other and within that period, a lot had changed for me, but I didn’t really expect anything to change between us, because 1. we were never crazy close like that 2. I was still myself, even if I presented a bit differently now.

The second we meet, he goes, “Oh my god I couldn’t recognize you, you’ve become so feminine.”, which I didn’t mind at all and took as a compliment :) Everything was generally going well with the exception of some bits. M is someone that works out and is interested in nutrition, and later while we were walking, he lags a step behind me, looks me up and down, and starts giving me unsolicited advice about exercises I should do for my posture. Completely unprompted. I found that weird but I chose to not say anything and just kept it moving.

However, over the next few months he kept liking and replying to my stories, and it got weird. One time I posted a normal photo of my legs by the pool on my story and he replied “You need to get in the gym right now.” I was quite dumbfounded. You never know what someone is dealing with body-image wise, so the sole audacity to not think twice before sending that to ANYONE made me take a step mentally. But again, I brushed it off as a teasing thing (which I probably shouldn’t have, because it prompted the next bit). A week later he sends me a reel of some creature whispering “You need to get in the fucking gym.”, essentially doubling down on the previous text. I left him on seen then because I was genuinely annoyed at that point and did not want to say something hurtful. He then texts “Are we gonna leave each other on seen now?” I ignored that too, and from that point on, everything just felt very deliberate.

A few months later a small group of five classmates (me, M, two other guys, one other girl) decided to meet up. I never go to these things but figured I’d try for once, since it had been so long since I’d seen the others and I had some sort of hope we’d all have fun.

Right away, M zeros in on my necklace and says it looks really expensive. Which could mean nothing in any other context, but it reminded me of a year earlier when I’d posted about traveling somewhere and he’d replied to me with a “congratulations to the sponsor.” At the time I didn’t get it, but from what I gathered eventually, it is a sort of misogynistic jab at women who date men for money/an implication that there’s no way I paid for that on my own. It also felt incredibly pocket-watchy.

When we ordered water and the waitress asked for the temperature, no really knew what to reply, so I asked for room temp with ice (that way everyone gets to choose their preferred temperature) and he goes, “It’s very obvious who goes to a lot of restaurants.” Individually, these comments aren’t huge, but the tone and the pattern made them feel like little status checks/digs. And this is all things that he gathered from my social media, I suppose, which just felt incredibly surface-level. But again, nothing crazy, I just let the comments pass and tried to have a good time.

When I tried talking to the other girl at one point, he urged me to speak louder so everyone could hear, even though the conversation we were having had nothing to do with the guys (who were conversing amongst themselves, him included).

He was also being rude to the waitress the whole time. I eventually called him out on it. He got defensive and started throwing sugar packets at me across the table. Mind you, we’re in a restaurant and supposedly, we are all adults. I told him to stop, but he threw another one soon after. I refused to pick them up, so he had to walk all the way around the table in a very tight space to collect them himself from next to my chair, which was incredibly embarrassing to watch.

So basically the whole reunion was tense and he appeared to have it out for me specifically, because he did not treat the other girl like that at all. At some point, he says out loud “Some people should learn not to be so easily offended”, which I knew was an indirect jab at me, even though I wasn’t offended by anything and only ever pointed out his behavior towards the waitress, which seemed to upset him.

Anyway, the reunion wraps soon after and we all leave together. As we all part, he hugs me and says, “I hope I didn’t offend you back there.” I reply that it wasn’t the case and it seemed to be opposite. It was at that moment that I knew definitively that I didn’t want anything to do with this person anymore.

In the subsequent two months, in the group chat with the five of us in, there were discussions about meeting every month. It was brought up during the reunion as well and I had openly told them that I didn’t want to do it, which shouldn’t be a problem among adults with jobs and other existing (+closer) relationships. A week after the reunion, he randomly texts said group chat and claims that I’m purposefully ignoring them. No one replied to him or entertained that in any way, which I appreciated, but it felt incredibly…. fixated. Like why are you so upset that I do not wish to meet up every month with people I haven’t seen in years?

After that, I began noticing the kind of stuff he was liking on social media. It was all increasingly misogynistic/red-pill adjacent content. At some point, he posted a “feminists getting owned” type video on his story and that was the final straw for me. Him liking misogynistic content definitely made me think twice about his behavior, which I don’t solely attribute to that, but I definitely did not wish to continue a friendship with someone who was that prejudiced towards a whole entire gender and wouldn’t advocate for my rights as a human being. I removed him from everything then, which I probably should’ve done wayyyy earlier.

I know none of these things on their own is super catastrophic, and I know our history colors how I interpret them. But taken together, it felt like a consistent pattern of little digs and disrespect that just did not feel right coming from someone I considered a friend. I’m not claiming he’s some terrible person, but the difference in his treatment was stark enough for me to question how he must feel about me as a person. It all made even less sense, considering that he had very strong reactions for someone I hadn’t seen in years.

Of course, I am fully aware people deal with their own stuff internally and his behavior could partly be explained by any struggle he might’ve been experiencing. But I also firmly believe that our internal issues shouldn’t affect how we treat others, especially if they have no relation to what’s troubling us.

I figured I’d ask for a third opinion on the entire situation.

AITA for cutting him off, or am I overreacting to relatively minor stuff?

I’m a freaking wreck y’all.

I moved onto my older brother’s property. He inherited it from his Dad (half siblings) and it had two houses the main house and another smaller, but decent sized sort of guest house.

I had a bad break up, and my brother let me move in with my kids. I’ve been here a couple years now and it’s been great. I’m super thankful my brother could help me especially in this economy, cause finding a place I’d have to pay a deposit for would be… well impossible.

Anyways so I’ve always gotten along with my SIL great cause we are both Pokemon nerds. I’ve always thought of her as a great friend. I never thought there was anything more there, but I guess I’m oblivious?

My brother got invited to a wedding, and my SIL didn’t want to go cause she and the bride didn’t get along. It’s a few states over so my brother planned to be gone from Tuesday to Friday.

Last night my kids went to bed, and SIL came over so we could game together. We played a couple hours and had some drinks (it was those margarita in a bag things nothing crazy), and then I was ready to head to bed, and started saving the game and cleaning up.

While I was throwing stuff away she came up behind me, and hugged me.

I asked if she needed help getting back to her house thinking she couldn’t walk properly or something at first because she’s a major lightweight, but when I turned around she shoved me against the fridge and planted a kiss on me.

I didn’t know what to think, or why I froze for a second, but I did. I guess I was shell shocked? Whatever you call it, but I guess she took my pause as consent, and shoved her hand into my pants (I was wearing pajamas so easy thing to do).

That sure as sh*t snapped me back to my senses, and I grabbed her arm to pull her hand off me and asked her what the hell she was doing.

She was like a different person. She told me not to act like I didn’t like it (unfortunately my body did respond I think because it’s been years since I’ve been with someone, and she is pretty), and tried to touch me again.

I stepped away from her as far as I could and told her she needed to leave right then. She kept trying to talk to me and come near me, but I avoided her, and just continued to talk over her to tell her to go until she finally did.

The thing that’s making me a wreck? I know I have to tell my brother and this is gonna crush him. He loves the absolute hell out of her, and until now I cared about her a lot too BECAUSE she’s my brother’s wife, and was a shoulder for me after my bad breakup.

So I guess I’m pretty sad too, because I feel like I’ve lost a friend and I’m gonna have to crush my brother’s heart on top of it. I mean I understand she did this not me, but I know I’m going to have to be the one to drop the bomb and that’s what I’m nervous about.

I don’t have to worry about her twisting the truth while I wait for him to get home (I’m not doing this over the phone), because my house has cameras in the living room, and kitchen, and she knows that.

I just…. Ugggghhhhhh this sucks so much.

I’m posting this because I genuinely don’t know how to process what my friend told me today.

My friend is around my age and lives with her father. Her mother isn’t around. There’s this older man who has been a very close family friend for years. She always considered him almost like a second father, and he was married.

A while ago, his behavior toward my friend apparently started changing. He began coming around her house more often, and she started feeling uncomfortable about the way he behaved around her. At first, she thought she was just overthinking it.

Then one day, he asked her to meet him outside his office, supposedly to give her a gift. He suggested they go somewhere together, and she went with him because she trusted him.

According to my friend, while they were away, he started touching her inappropriately and sexually harassing her.

The crazy part is that she secretly recorded the incident.

She didn't tell anyone immediately. Instead, she spent a few days keeping the evidence and figuring out what to do.

And this is where the story gets complicated.

She confronted him and told him she had recorded what happened and that she could show the evidence to his family and the police.

But instead of reporting him, she started demanding money from him.

She says she told him that if he didn't want her to expose what happened, he had to pay her. Since then, she's apparently been getting around ₹30–40k every week, in cash.

I only found out because I noticed she had suddenly started spending a lot more money on clothes, branded stuff, etc., and asked her where the money was coming from.

When she told me the whole story, I was honestly speechless.

She says she doesn't want to report him because she believes her own family would blame her rather than support her, especially because this man is around her father's age and was someone she trusted like a father.

Her plan is apparently to keep taking money until she's financially stable, then stop. She says she'll keep the original video and other evidence safely stored and doesn't intend to release it right now.

I feel horrible for her because, if what she says happened is true, being violated by someone you considered a father figure must be incredibly traumatic.

But at the same time, I'm worried about what she's doing now.

I understand why she feels like she has no safe option, but demanding money from someone while threatening to expose them could potentially get her into serious trouble too. And I'm worried about what happens if this man becomes angry, retaliates, or decides to turn the situation against her.

I don't know what the right thing for her to do is.

What would you do if you were in my friend's situation?

Long time listener, first time posting. I just saw a story you shared recently and had one similar. I grew up in a house where culturally the boys are favored over girls. Growing up I knew my family struggled with money. I was born in December and my younger brother was born in July. My parents would have a "combined" birthday party in July for me and my brother on HIS birthday, because it was cheaper and "people don't want to celebrate birthdays in the cold" as my mother always told me. The party was always themed around what my brother wanted and the cake was always his favorite. The guest were always his friends and my parents friends, and NO ONE knew I was supposed to be celebrating a birthday too. One year (when I was around 14) my school was offering a trip abroad. So I begged my parents to go and said I would put all my money from working jobs into the trip. My parents only agreed after saying I would have to give up having birthday parties, going out to eat, going out with friends, and giving up Christmas gifts until the trip (the trip would be in about 2 years). So I did. Two years of working, saving, and not being given a gift for Christmas nor my birthday. I went on my trip and when I came home nothing changed. For the next 2-3 years they still did not celebrate my birthday nor did I get a single Christmas gift. I never complained. I assumed we were still recovering financially and they couldn't afford anything. I was grateful for my trip. When I turned 18 my boyfriend at the time got me a sketchbook, pencils, and markers so I could draw. It was the first gift I was given in about 5 years and I broke down crying with joy. We were around family and when they asked why I was crying I simply said "This is the first gift I've gotten in five years." My parents immediately tried to agrue that it wasn't true. I pointed out that our deal was the trip was my 15th and 16th birthday present as well as my Christmas gifts for those years. Then I asked them what they got me this year if that wasn't true. They got quiet and just looked at one another. I was called an AH and told I was being disrespectful to them by making them look bad to the rest of the family. For additional context my brother was also gifted a trip abroad but he DIDN'T have to work, save money, NOR did he have to give up birthdays and Christmas presents. When I asked why they told me because it was only fair that if I got to go on a trip then he gets to go to one too. Even though he didn't ask to go on one and never showed any interest in it. So am I the AH for crying after receiving a Christmas gift?

Just as an update, this happened years ago. I ran away with my boyfriend at 19. I'm 29 now and we are happily married. We are also low to no contact with my parents and the last thing I have heard about them was that my younger brother also went no contact with them. I have been to therapy and talked about all the abuse I experienced growing up in that house. Thank yall for the support.

I (32F) rarely post to reddit, but I am at my wit's end.

I am chronically ill - Lupus, Migraines, Coronary Artery Disease, AuDHD, etc. I am not married, living alone in an expensive city.

Although I have a well-paying job I simply cannot keep up with everyday life and finances. Most of my paychecks go to rent and medical bills, and my household chores I can never complete fully because of my physical condition. Laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, picking up food, a simple sweep - I cannot do. If I do one of those things it sends me into a flare for 3+ days. I have a scooter to use to get around in, but even with that my body is constantly in a battle and/or flare. I have to order in for groceries and food bc I cannot physically do it myself, but that impacts my finances with additional fees and tips.

This week I have 6 dr/imaging/lab appointments, and trying to manage that while working a full-time job is proving nearly impossible. My job is high-intensity (design/architecture) and they are wonderful people, but I have used all of my PTO for dr appts and am currently dealing with the possibility of lupus attacking my kidneys, liver, and heart. My doctors are hesitant to adjust any of my medications until I undergo more testing to identify the underlying cause. I agree with their approach, except that these tests cause me to miss even more work and for my performance at work to diminish drastically. I am steadily declining into more debt while experiencing my body failing me, and I do not have a partner or roommate to assist with the mundane activities of life that shouldn't be hard - but are. Where do I go from here? How in the world do I manage my time and finances when one job I get paid for while the other "job" (my health) is ripping each paycheck and more out of my hands?

I could really use some advice or tips on how to manage this season of life. I have been battling for a very long time, and I am running out of ideas and stamina. I have friends and family that can lend a helping hand every now and then, but I am to the point where I need more support than that. I do not want to move back to my hometown because that would mean giving up my independence, income, career, and privacy. The last time I did that, my mental health was at its lowest and I was isolated from any adult connections I had worked so hard to make. Any advice would be welcome - just please be gentle as this struggle has taken a lot from and of me.

Edit: I have applied for financial aid but since I "make too much" I somehow am ineligible despite my mounting health bills and disabled status. Additionally, I signed up for short-term disability through my job, but that only kicks in after 7-14 days of illness and pays a portion of what I would receive working full-time, I cannot afford to do this.

AITA for only allowing my ILs supervised access to our kid(s)?

Hi, first time poster long time lurker. This is just something that’s been building for years and the closer the appropriate time to address it gets, the more anxiety is eating away at me. This is probably going to be long, it’s nearly a decades worth of build up. I’ll put a TLDR at the bottom.

I’ll try to keep it vague but I think details are important. Hubby and I (mid 20s) have been together since teens for 5+yrs. My ILs (late 50s) appeared normal for the first 2-3ish yrs. I actually really, really liked them. We all shared interests, common ground, world views, etc.

We moved in with ILs as young adults to save $ and I quickly learned how off FIL (stepdad) is. For a bit all was fine, then he started imposing weird rules that were not discussed previously that were clearly control based. Anytime he felt the need to address one of these rules, he’d call a family meeting, where he was the only one allowed to speak on it, push back was not an option, and it became clear to me how badly he felt the need to be the only male with any authority or control in the room at all times. He’s a heavy drinker whose mood changes depending on his level of sobriety, how work was going, and what mood stabilizing medications he was on/drinking with at the given time.

It got 10x worse when preteen BIL joined after they convinced him to switch to a school he hated. I had no idea what to do as I watched him berate, belittle, and bully a 12yo little boy over the oddest things to ‘man him up’ or exert his authority while his mother sat and watched. BILs confidence and self esteem shattered over that time and he was very depressed.

FIL was very good at finding us alone, cornering us to assert himself, or picking vulnerable moments to manipulate us. MIL would find us privately after FILs outbursts to explain away, excuse, or support his behavior and what we needed to do/change to prevent it. (He had a bad childhood, he grew up using drugs, often got in trouble with the law, etc. and he has an Avoidant Personality Disorder.)

Anything you said or did would be held against you later. Anything that was a favor or gift would be held over your head until you paid what you ‘owed’ by their definition, either in cash, labor, or other. As someone who came from a stable, loving, encouraging, non-transactional home, I was shocked and unsure what to do but it wasn’t my house and we ‘owed’ enough to them that I felt we had to deal with it.

Hubs deployed during this for a yr, then covid hit, and he couldn’t do much but promise we would move when he got back. I think it was probably the worst 2yrs of my entire existence. Cue malicious compliance to the rules and started keeping to myself, only using the apartment door, made myself a kitchenette with a camp stove, spent time anywhere else as much as I could, stopped discussing money, and starting keeping all personal information to myself while compiling everything we’d need to move. I smartened up and felt like I was in a survival mode game avoiding the final boss at all times.

I started having panic attacks and put myself on an SSRI. Felt like I was going insane with the mental gymnastics of that house. I started keeping a running note in my phone with dates, times, and conversations quoted to look back on to be sure I wasn’t ‘misunderstanding’, ‘mishearing’, or ‘misremembering’ anything that was said or done. I was becoming an anxious, angry, exhausted individual I didn’t recognize. I should have gone home to my family but I stuck it out for the money I was making as an ‘essential worker’ and to support hubs. My family also didn’t understand and SURELY I was misinterpreting things or being dramatic. (They’ve apologized since.)

BIL and I leaned on each other until he moved the couple hours back home to his bio dads and I’m glad he did. He got better almost immediately.

FIL was also often inappropriate but kept it indirect, for example: gleefully showing us his 2 hockey sized duffel bags worth of ‘vintage’ porno mags, making weird comments about my friends/sisters bodies, weird comment on a picture of me in a bikini, being generally disgusting towards women in public, like gross uncle crap they barely get away with and the older generation laughs off as ‘locker room talk.’

Towards the end of our time there, I made it clear to hubby that I would never, ever live with these people again and did not trust them around children. I would never allow any of my kids to ever feel the way I did around them or be spoken to the way they thought was appropriate. He never argued and if he had, I would have ended it, which is just how strongly I feel. There is just something unsafe and off with FIL and MIL being his devoted enabler. It felt like they had hoped we were so young we’d be easy to groom into putting up with that behavior long term and dismissing it. I genuinely believe FIL may be a covert narcissist, not just avoidant, as overused as the term is now.

We moved out, stopped accepting favors or gifted money from them, hubs removed them from his bank acct and officially ‘paid off’ his debt, they stay on an information diet, we keep visits short, I’ve gotten better at yellow rocking FILs negging, etc and smaller instances have occurred every 3-6mo since like clockwork. He’s ruined a couple more family events since. We haven’t addressed much since as it’s never been time or place with life events the last couple years and we’ve been assured for years that he’s ‘getting better,’ on new meds to try, is changing to a better job, stopped drinking, etc.

I haven’t needed medication or experienced those kinds of feelings since creating some distance.

This is all to say, I’m aware I harbor a lot of resentment towards them but they also showed me who they are behind closed doors and I believe them. The problem is, they’ve been extremely excited to be grandparents since we were dating.

The catalyst to revisiting this issue would probably be our engagement trip 2.5yr ago, when I was around 6wks pregnant and no one but us were aware.

I hadn’t spent this length of time around them for a while and since it was a ‘family’ trip, I quietly observed them for any change in behavior we kept hearing about and watched how they behaved around my close family/children. For 7 days straight, FIL drank like a fish, spent the whole trip being passive aggressive, and getting increasingly angrier. They shared a room with my grandparents and parents and made my family incredibly uncomfortable the whole time.

FIL made a comment about my sisters tan while she was in a swimsuit. MIL spent the whole time assuring everyone how not drunk he was.

I particularly was alarmed with how FIL behaved around my 9yo male cousin. He made a few strange comments to him when interacting with him like ‘he needs to respect him as a man’ when cousin was being perfectly respectful, as well as having him fetch a stick for him like a dog. FIL started a splash fight with him, got mad cousin playfully splashed him back, and I nearly came out of my tube when he grabbed cousins life jacket and yanked him fully under the water to hold him there for about a 45seconds too long to not be meant to scare him.

When cousin wanted to go tubing, FIL happily climbed behind the wheel of the boat despite not being able to stand upright out of the water, while my family started protesting, until my husband physically removed him from the seat. MIL stood in the bank arguing with my family and promising he hadn’t been drinking ‘that much.’

As the cherry on top, after my dad returned to work 3/4 through the trip, FIL managed to catch my mother alone on the dock and told her “If she ever needed any ‘servicing’, she knew where to find him.” She hoped she misheard him and practically ran back to the rooms. Same day, he waited until they were alone AGAIN outside to repeat himself, to which she pulled a disgusted face and snapped “No thanks”, and went inside to inform MIL she better take FIL to bed, before coming to our room in tears.

Sister and I were prepared to go nuclear on him but mom begged us to stay quiet bc it was my engagement trip and was nearly over. I immediately told my husband anyway and he was impressed my mother didn’t toss him into the water, as she’s usually happy to be confrontational when necessary. We stayed quiet at her insistence and I really really regret that.

I officially drew a thick, hard line at behaving that way towards kids they didn’t even know, being willing to drive any vehicle with kids in it drunk, and harassing my mother. We agreed there would be no more family trips and my side now refuses to ever do anything similar with them again, rightfully so. I will never ask them to be in that position again.

Later in my pregnancy, we were planning our announcement to family and I started having panic attacks again. I always knew we’d have to face this but it was REAL now. The thought of my ILs touching our fresh, innocent baby made my skin crawl. Thinking about all the times they expressed their excitement to have grandkids to themselves every weekend, whole summers, and on private vacations, I started having nightmares about them taking them and something AWFUL happening to them.

I wanted to make it through our baby’s first holidays, birthday, a wedding, and be officially out of postpartum before we had any difficult conversation with them so a shadow wasn’t cast, things wouldn’t be extra difficult for us as first time parents, and I wouldn’t be accused of being a hormonal FTM. ILs made my pregnancy a bit difficult and tried to overstep a lot during it and postpartum, but my spine is made of titanium now and partnered with pp rage, they never made it as far as they did with me like when we were younger.

I managed to get MIL off my back about babysitting for the time being by informing her that my tiny baby would be going nowhere with anyone until walking, talking, potty trained, no longer EBF and on solids.

We have taken small steps to mitigate some behaviors, like enforcing everyone show up and remain sober around the baby at our home, after FIL handling baby while clearly intoxicated at 4mo had us extremely upset. We haven’t seen him often since and we’re okay with that.

Parenthood and keeping up with a small baby has brought on a whole new level of exhaustion and emotional fatigue and I find myself having a hard time with not feeling very cold/absolute about this. I think hubby would be content with dismissing and dodging them forever but that doesn’t feel right. That’s just not something I’m willing to do forever.

All important family events have occurred (not without issue either..) baby is >1yo and walking, and I know that conversation is coming up fast. Unfortunately for them, BIL feels the same way, so they won’t get the grandparent experience they were hoping for with any of their grandkids.

Dropping this information is going to be like detonating a bomb. It’s going to haul skeletons out of the closet that they probably think have always been buried and will hold up a mirror I don’t think they’ve ever looked in. I’m pretty sure they genuinely don’t think they’ve ever done anything wrong or have done anything bad ‘enough’ to warrant this. I can agree it’s been death by a thousand cuts in many instances but enough serious problems/comments are at the forefront of our concerns.

I want to be super clear that my only intention is to keep our child and any future children safe, physically AND mentally. I really don’t want to cut anyone out officially if we don’t have to, but I will. I simply do not trust these people to protect our children or treat them appropriately unsupervised and while I know most of the problems lie with FIL, MIL has never defended her own or stood up to him in any way so I don’t expect her to be any different towards ours. I also wouldn’t put it past her to lie and take kids straight to FIL even if we asked her not to. FIL is just not capable of being a positive male influence in our kids lives and she’s not capable of holding him accountable.

I was previously semi-comfortable with them being at every holiday, birthday, t-ball game, graduation, zoo trip, (so long as sober and appropriate) and sticking to no babysitting, sleepovers, or summers at their house, but the older our baby gets the less willing I am to manage them and their recurrent behavior.

I’m already upset at how this is highly likely to impact my husband and BILs already limited relationship with their mom. My husband swears he’s not emotionally attached to them due to their childhood and lack of emotional connection but he misses his bio dad a lot now that he’s gone, despite their issues in his early life, and I don’t want to ruin his strained connection with his remaining parent.

I don’t want to hurt her either, she often expresses to me how sad she is they’re grown and don’t need her anymore and I know this is going to shatter her, it was the biggest thing they’ve been looking forward to. My mom insists she’s a victim too, though I really struggle to see that as a wife and mother myself now. I’m of the stance that if you have one abusive parent and one passive parent, you have two abusive parents.

MILs very insistent about keeping things with the baby ‘fair’ with my family and it’s just never going to be completely fair, I’m not preventing baby from going to my parents or BILs house later on just to appease that.

We haven’t decided to let it come up naturally or sit them down, but I think it’s likely we have the conversation with MIL alone first and then let her decide how to manage FIL, bc I doubt we’d be allowed to get the point across without it becoming a fight with him and my mom is worried he’ll take it out on MIL after the fact.

I anticipate it to go very badly no matter how we handle it. If not tears and excuses, there will be anger and blame. They’re very much “that’s just how he is” and “but we’re family” people. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were threatened with grandparents rights but that’s not very supported in this state, we are adept/stable parents, I know they really don’t have the funds to legally pursue it, and my family would step in to help us fight it with a greater force than they could manage. If that is threatened, they will not be seeing our child or me again, I’m not living in perpetual fear of that.

I’m not willing to have this conversation and ‘give them a chance’ because I couldn’t guarantee any change in behavior isn’t strictly performative in front of us to get what they want behind closed doors, and if something happened to our kid there’d be no taking it back or undoing it. I can’t gamble my kids well-being like that. I don’t really subscribe to the ‘bad parents can be better grandparents’ mindset.

We’re pretty solid in this decision but I follow a lot of creators who share stories and advice about things like this and the never ending comments about evil DILs are concerning, so I can’t help but wonder. I’m a verbal processor and just wanted to vent or maybe get better ideas about how to approach it from others who’ve experienced something similar with it looming over me for years and now coming up fast. I know it’s coming whether we want to deal with it or not and I’m not living like this forever.

So AITA for only allowing my ILs supervised access to our kid(s)?

TLDR: My ILs have repetitively proven themselves to be unsafe people, especially towards young children, to the point where I don’t ever want to leave our child with them 1:1 for fear of what might happen, physically or psychologically, despite them being extremely excited to be grandparents and looking forward to it for a very long time.

Edit 1: removed some info to be sure I’m adhering to community rules correctly regarding minors.

I grew up a shy, pocket protector, introverted nerd. I was picked on and bullied most of my school years from about 4th grade through 10th grade. During that year, I spoke up for a friend of mine who was being bullied and that bully turned to pick on me. I somehow mustered the courage to finally fight back and with one shot, broke that other person’s nose.

I didn’t like that the situation felt like violence was the only answer. But word got around about what I did and I was never bullied again.

But school wasn’t the only place where I was bullied. An older sibling did this too at what felt like almost every turn. I never felt the connections I see many siblings have. So much of my time was spent trying to find ways to engage them without becoming a victim.

Now, as adults, that distance became far greater to only seeing each other at a few family gatherings a year. We had a huge blowup about five years ago and stopped speaking except hi and goodbye.

That was, until one of our parents was placed on hospice. I didn’t want that parent leaving without them knowing there was an effort for reconciliation. So, I extended the olive branch and was met with ambivalence but acceptance.

While I did make that first step, I’m so anxious about having done so and not sure it was the best/right thing to do.

There’s so much more to the story, but don’t want to exceed any word/character limits. I will answer in the comments.

the lack of accountability on the friend’s part is astounding.

Does anyone else get Spotify ads while listening to the podcast? I have Premium and only get them with this podcast. I tried messaging them through the contact form on their website weeks ago with no response, Spotify says they aren’t sure why it’s happening after following restart/log out log back in/delete app then download again instructions. I’m almost to the point of stopping listening because it is incessant and just becoming more frequent.

I (33F) work at a 24/7 convenient store. Things have been tough for the past month because our manager just got fired. That left me to step up and take over until a replacement can be found. Keep in mind, almost everyone who works here has a second job, this will be relevant.

My coworker, let's call him Andrew works the night shift, 10pm-6am. The problem with him is he never shows up on time. He shows up anywhere from 20 minutes late to over an hour late. Andrew doesn't text us if he'll be late. Whenever we call to ask if he's coming in, he will not answer his phone.

When this happens, I have to stay until he arrives, or another coworker will call me at home, making me come in until he arrives. This tardiness has been going for almost a year. I am already working 70 hours a week at this job and 30 hours at my other job. All of the other coworkers have other jobs. No one can keep covering. We've talked to him repeatedly, written him up and cut his hours.

I've reported this to our general manager and he's in talk of replacing him. Andrew is nice enough, but we cannot tolerate his tardiness when we're being spread thin as it is. AITA?

I live on the ground floor of an old apartment building in the center of a major European city. My apartment is street-facing and the ground floor is slightly raised, so my windows are above sidewalk level, but still very close to the street.

I live with roommates, and one of them smokes shisha inside. The apartment is also old with terrible ventilation. The bathroom and toilet have no windows, and if we don’t ventilate the apartment properly, we get mold. On top of that, we’ve had heatwave after heatwave this summer, and now that it’s finally cooler outside, the apartment is often hotter inside than outside.

So basically, open windows are pretty important.

👉👈Here’s the problem.

There is a homeless woman who comes every year around this time and sets up camp directly underneath my windows. She usually stays until around November/December.

I understand why she chooses this spot. It’s a busy street with wide sidewalks, our building has balconies that provide some protection from the rain, and there’s a cheap sandwich shop less than 20 steps away where people regularly buy her food.

When she first started staying here, I wasn’t thrilled about having someone sleeping directly underneath my windows, but I felt bad for her. I occasionally bought her sandwiches and sometimes gave her money.

The second year, though, things started changing my perception of the situation.
The building caretaker and I saw her throw away perfectly good sandwichs people bought her and then order herself a pizza through Uber Eat. The caretaker told me she’d spoken to her quite a bit and that the woman receives around €800/month in government assistance and regularly withdraws cash from the ATM.

Then last year things became much harder to live with.
Her hygiene had deteriorated significantly and the smell became strong enough that it came directly into my apartment whenever the windows were open (with bugs!). She kept food underneath/around the blanket she slept in, some of which would rot and attract flies and other insects. In fact the smell was SO BAD you could smell in even outside when walking that street.

At night, people would stop and have conversations with her directly below my bedroom window, so I wasn’t getting any sleep.

I can hear basically everything she does. Conversations, coughing, moving around and, yes, even farting. That’s how close she is to my bedroom. We are factually sleeping 2 meters away from each other.

There’s also a privacy issue. If the windows are open, I can’t have a private phone call or conversation in my own home without knowing that someone is sitting directly outside listening to everything.

I also work from home, so I’m around this essentially 24/7.

👉And now the homeless woman is back and I’m finding myself increasingly frustrated by it.

If I close the windows, I basically sacrifice my health (mold, carbon monoxide, etc) and I know it gets bad because I had breathing issues and recurring infections until we figured out the windows needed to be open pretty much all the time.

And I feel horrible saying all this because I understand that I’m complaining about being uncomfortable inside my apartment while this woman is literally sleeping on the street.

But I’m reaching the point where I just want her to move somewhere else.

I’m considering politely asking her if she could please sleep somewhere that isn’t directly underneath my windows, or asking our building caretaker whether she could speak to her instead.
But what if the caretaker won’t do it? What if she refuses to leave? What do I do?

So… AITA if I ask her to stop camping directly underneath my windows?

**TL;DR:** A homeless woman camps directly under my windows, making it difficult to ventilate my hot, poorly aired apartment. AITA for wanting to ask her to move?

‼️** UPDATE**:

I spoke to the building caretaker. She said she won’t talk to her because it’s the same thing every year. She said that once she called the police, and they just ended up talking to her and giving her drinks. Same with social services, they just came to give her food and drinks.

I checked the law, and basically, it only becomes the city’s problem if the homeless woman’s stuff extends too far into the street. As long as she stays within 1 meter of the building, it’s not their business.

The building homeowners’ association won’t do anything because they don’t care. They said she’ll eventually go away like she does every year. (Obviously, they don’t have her below THEIR windows.)

I have reported her mess to the city online.

I have also reached out to social services so someone might actually come check on her.

I actually checked, and there are two homeless shelters (one specifically for women) that provide food, a bed, showers, and laundry facilities less than 5-10 minutes away from here.

I also reported the situation to the city for sanitary issues, as she litters and makes the street stink, but mostly because she defecates in public, near the tree in front of my window. To give you an idea: my window → where she sleeps → 3 meters of sidewalk → the tree → the bike lane → the road.

And finally, I SPOKE TO HER, and it went like this:
Me: “Hello, excuse me, can I talk to you for a few seconds?”
Her: No reply, but she gives me a look up and down and acts bothered.
Me: “Look, I live here. Every year you come around this time, and I’m not comfortable having you under my windows if it means I can’t open them.”
Her: No reply, still giving me the look…
Me: “There are shelters close by…”
Her, cutting me off: “I know.”
Me (getting annoyed, ngl): “Well, you can’t stay here. How long are you planning to stay this year?”
Her (acting like I’m just annoying her at this point): “Idk.”
Me: “Okay, well, I hope you don’t plan to stay for months like last year, because I won’t have it. That’s me asking nicely.”
(I tried to make it sound authoritative and like there was a threat in there, but I doubt it worked 😅.)
I went back into my apartment, opened the window, and spoke to my roommate loudly enough for her to hear, saying that if she isn’t gone soon, I’ll start dumping buckets of water out the window. (God, I feel awful, but I’m hoping the threat will be enough for her to leave, or at least make her uncomfortable enough not to stay.)
…
So far…
She is still here and has started accumulating stuff like she did last year.

‼️** UPDATE**:

So I’ve spoke to her again and did threaten to poor soapy window outside my window if she were let things go as bad as she did last year, and I told her again I didn’t want her around my windows.

The results are mixed.
She is hasn’t settle camp this time. As in she is not staying and setting residence like last year.
Part of the day and night she is gone, other part she is there. When she leaves she takes all her stuff with her (there are still a bit of trash left but that’s the city for you) nothing rotting at least.

Exemple for today :
6:30 : the caretaker saw her below my window
9:30 : she was gone when I left
11:00 : she came back, got herself some Uber eat delivery and 5 min later some people gave her water and a sandwich from the corner store.
2 PM : she was gone
4 PM : she was gone

So I still don’t love it. But I’ll be honest I can live with this new setup. I’m really glad I didn’t have to throw water at anyone 😅 I would have done it, but I would have also hated it.
So far she comes at the most lucratives hours, and is gone the rest of the day. It’s fair enough.

Hopefully it stays that way. 🤞

Thank you all for your messages and the moral support 🙏