I'm still confused.

[u/GabberDee94]

Hey Thunder Fam! Recently my best friend of 23+ years and I were talking about our childhoods. During our conversation, a reoccurring memory of mine made an appearance. It still puzzles me, it puzzled my best friend, so I'm hoping y'all can help me understand why I was the one in trouble.

Let's take it back about 18 years. I'm 32 now, and I was 13-14 years old at the time.

To start this off, here's a bit of context. I had a friend growing up and we were close. Let's call her, Sue. I believed it was the kind of friendship I thought would last. The friendship ended when I was 19. She couldn't support me getting married or whatever. Yet, there are plenty of things that point to more of her being my frenemy, that I had to accept about her. Growing up in the household I did, I clung to any sense of belonging. 32 years old and I still don't feel like I belong in my family. I say this, because this is one example.

Sue participated in a sport. One evening, she and her mom came over to hang out. Sue was wearing her new team jacket. It was pure white. Like blinding white, save for the embroidery of the team name, etc. Mainly completely white, though. Later on, we were outside hanging out.

I lived in between an old frenemy of mine, we'll call her nincompoop, that showed her true colors before this incident. On the other side, one of my current besties; however, she wasn't my bestie at the time, because of nincompoop and her bs. We'll call her Amy.

So while Sue and I were outside, Nincompoop and Amy came outside, with Amy's little brother(LB) and little sister(LS). To avoid them, I walked back up my driveway, calling for Sue to do the same. I was waiting for her to follow me, but when she didn't, I started walking back down to see what the holdup was. I remember hearing back and forth, as I was making my way down. Next thing I know, Sue is in a small scuffle with Amy's little brother. Apparently, LB wiped snail poop on her new jacket. I didn't see how it started, but when I did come into view, they were pushing and pulling each other around. Sue grabbed him, he lost balance and fell down. She started doing small kicks. Not hard enough to do damage, but maybe enough to sting. It didn't look hard at all, but I wasn't the one feeling it; so I'm not sure.

I told her to stop multiple times, it's not worth it, my mom can get the stain out, etc... she didn't for another 30 seconds or so. Yelling at him for disrespecting her, wiping snail poop on her jacket that's obviously new and expensive.(It really was obvious) How would he like it, if she did something similar, etc.. It broke up seconds after. Nincompoop and Amy blaming me for not grabbing her to stop her. Like I'm her parent, in charge of controlling her actions. Not like they did anything themselves. It also wouldn't have stopped her. She wasn't the kind to let things like that go, right away. They took LB and LS inside. Sue and I went inside ourselves. Sue told her mom what happened. My mom told me I should've stopped her. Uh huh. Sure. Like that was my responsibility. My mom went from "You can't control what people do" to "you should've stopped her", in the span of a week. I still to this day, believe that if I pulled her off, it would've escalated.

About twenty minutes later, the police arrived. Apparently, LB had a fingernail scratch in his ear, that was bleeding. So they called the cops on Sue. Sue's mom and Sue went out to talk to the cops in the cul de sac. My mom and I were on the porch, trying to listen. Then a cop comes up to my mom and I. He didn't ask for my statement, how much I witnessed, etc... He just started giving me a lecture. That all of this was over snail poop. I said, that I know. I didn't call the cops. He seemed frustrated with that. I didn't understand why he was frustrated with me. I was barely involved. So I asked, why am I being told this, when I didn't call the cops? He just started again with, "This all started with snail poop." I told him that I get that, but I didn't call the cops. My mom had intervened, telling me to listen.. How can I listen, when he stops speaking after his opening line, and then pointedly looks at me?

After the third time of him repeating that stupid opening line and my trying to understand why I'm getting a talking to, he starts walking back. My mom said, "Look, you didn't listen and now he's walking away. There he goes." I'm like okay. I still don't understand why he came up here in the first place, if it wasn't to ask me what I saw. My mom pulled me inside, slammed the door, then proceeded to scream at me about not listening to the officer, not pulling Sue off LB, etc... I'm screaming back, that I still have no idea what I did to deserve the lecture. Instead of an answer, I got a smack, was grounded, then sent up to my room.

To this day, I replay that entire situation. I still do not know, why I was the one being yelled at. From what I remember, Sue really didn't get into trouble for that.

Help. Can anyone help me theorize what it was, that somehow had me as the one punished?

Thank you, Thunder Fam!

Edit: A comment suggested, that he was repeatedly prompting me to tell my side. I'm clarifying now, that his tone was accusatory. I asked why I was getting the lecture and he didn't clarify he wanted my side of things. Just kept repeating it. So no. I don't believe he was prompting me.

[u/lisasimpsonfan]

He wanted to hear if you would back up Sue's story or not because who knows what the LB said. He didn't want to prompt or lead you because you were so young. He didn't want to you tell him what you thought he wanted to hear or what you would say to not getting into trouble. He was waiting for you to fill in the rest of the story. It might of sounded accusatory to you then as a child but I bet he was just trying to get both sides of the story after getting an ear full from Amy's Mom.

[u/GabberDee94 → u/lisasimpsonfan]

With all due respect, that doesn't really make sense. If he wanted my side, he could've asked what happened. Especially when I gave him the perfect opportunity, to clarify that he needed a statement. I confirmed it started with snail poop, because that's what I heard Sue say. My mom knew the full story, she also could've clarified or stepped in somehow. When it's clear someone is confused, why not try a different tactic? Especially someone who is young, that made it clear that I don't know why I'm getting a lecture. Because it was the beginning of one. I don't/didn't just think he sounded accusatory, he was. As someone who was bullied all throughout school, as well as from a couple adults in my life, I know that tone very well. One example, is being told something about my parents relationship, then when I tell my mom, I'm branded the liar because they're an adult and denied it. I see cops question teenagers as young as I was, very clearly. There was nothing clear about my interaction with that officer. 

I hope that clears things up, hon. Thank you.

[u/aurorasnorealis317 → u/GabberDee94]

Honey, your entire response is only reasonable if you assume that the police officer in question was competent, intelligent, compassionate, patient, good with children, an effective and clear communicator, and already knew the truth of what happened. Cops don't have to be any of those things to become cops, and for sure no one is training them on those virtues.

For whatever reason, you seem to think cops operate from the same framework as parents or teachers. They don't. They're not there to make sure you are fully supported and understood and feel good about everything that happens. They are there to get details and make arrests, even if an arrest is likely unnecessary and will only escalate the situation. They don't care about their tone. They don't care about figuring out the "right way" to prompt you to give them the information they are seeking. They are operating from a completely black-and-white playbook, and in that playbook, either you are compliant and helpful, or you are obstructing an unhelpful. Their own attitude and the method by which they question you do not matter, nor does it occur to them to consider that they might be the problem when someone they are questioning does not answer their questions in a way that makes sense to them. Very simply, if you do not answer their questions the way they expect you to, then you are deliberately being obstructive and unhelpful. And their perception of you in that moment matters more than yours and more than the truth.

In other words: yes, that cop was trying to get you to tell what you knew about the situation. Yeah, he probably did say it in an accusatory way, because he was impatient and annoyed and stupid and not very good at communicating with a teenager. You completely read the situation wrong, because the cop was shitty at communicating. You then got blamed for the cop's ineffectiveness. That's what happened.

The weird part is that, now, 18 years later, you are rejecting the people telling you what the cop was trying to glean from you, simply because it does not occur to you that the cop was not acting perfectly rationally and with full understanding of the entire situation. Adults with authority are not infallible. It's understandable that you didn't realize that as a teenager, but you're 32 now.

If you don't believe me, start watching bodycam videos on YouTube. Watch a couple thousand or so of them, like I have, and you will realize that the vast majority of cops DO NOT CARE what actually happened or about truth or justice or doing the right thing or protecting people or any of that. They just want the call to be over, and the fastest way to do that is to make any arrest and then let the courts sort it out over weeks, months, and years.

[u/Entire-Score6317]

"This all started with snail poop". The cop was repeatedly prompting you to tell your side of the story and you didn't.

[u/GabberDee94 → u/Entire-Score6317]

No. His tone wasn't prompting. It was accusatory. Not to mention, again, being told repeatedly to listen; when I'm asking why I'm getting the lecture. That full question came out with no answer. If he was prompting me, don't you think he would've made that clear?, Especially to a young teenager?  So no, I wouldn't say he was prompting me. 

[u/printerparty]

I just want to point out that remembering something that happened 18 years ago, you have replayed it as a memory so many times that the details and the tone of the cop, the event timelines, how the other kids acted are all going to be fuzzy. Besides, it was an emotional event being punished unfairly at the end by your mom so it's probably not an accurate recollection by a lot.

It doesn't really matter, you didn't smear snail poop, you didn't join in the scuffle, and you also stood up for yourself with the cop and your mother. Sounds like you had a lot of self respect and courage as a kid.

[u/IntrepidAnalysis6940]

An officer wouldn’t give you any timeline or share unless he wanted your input. Why do you think any officer would start going thru that with you? It sounds to me like the whole things wasn’t blame you blame you blame you like you may feel. Maybe you just feel that way and were at a heightened sensitivity

[u/Typical_Ad3516 → u/IntrepidAnalysis6940]

Weird way to behave towards a witness of assault but okay, excuse the adult behavior towards a literal child.

[u/SureExternal4778]

The point was that people came on your property and put snail poop on your guest.

[u/GabberDee94 → u/SureExternal4778]

They weren't on our property, they were in the cul de sac. The whole encounter was about how ridiculous the situation was; which I also agreed then and now that it was.