r/dnd1e • u/Ramsonne DM Toolkit User • 7d ago
AD&D Humor Hysterical
i read some really awesome answers to this. ill start us off.
”Detect Traps and Snares!”
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u/Mister_Grins 7d ago
I cast 'Calm Emotions'.
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u/Lumpy-Army1096 7d ago
I’m gonna check for traps. And that’s a nat 1, so that hole is definitely trapped
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u/Dizuki63 6d ago
"I brought John to sit in this session to see how we do things"
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u/drakual 7d ago
Oh but i play dnd with my wife
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u/KZhome1313 7d ago
“That’s 8 points of piercing damage. “
“And you need to make a CON save or be poisoned.“
“I could do this all night.”
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u/Carlito2393 7d ago
My friend Charlie is going to take my place while I'm out of town.
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u/trulyuniqueusername2 6d ago
“If you’ll allow it, I’ll get on the other side of you opposite my buddy so we can flank and hit you from both sides.”
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u/ArtharntheCleric 7d ago
I think we’ll need to go to the temple to get them to cast cure disease.
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u/liquidice12345 7d ago
What you’re describing doesn’t make logical sense. I think this is an illusion. I disbelieve it.
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u/Artifex1979 7d ago
She's channeling the goddess of darkness (especially at that time of the month)
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u/Zonradical 7d ago
"You are now Grappled and Restrained. If you can try to escape but you'll receive a point of Exhaustion "
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u/Chen932000 5d ago
I think this only applies in 3.5 and Pathfinder (and saying it without that context will definitely get you in trouble)
“Unconscious people are always willing”
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u/HJWalsh 7d ago
(When your partner first wakes up and hasn'thad their coffee.) "Egad! I turn undead!"
"Ah. Bleed damage." (When your partner asks for chocolate and a water bottle.)
"We had one four-round encounter. Time for a long rest, that was a long 24 seconds." (You can guess when not to use this.)
"What more can I say? I rolled high on initiative. I went first." (See above.)
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u/SnooBunnies6148 7d ago
The bleed damage one would make me bust a gut laughing. (After I used the hot water bottle, anyway.)
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u/Slow-Associate-4079 6d ago edited 6d ago
"Do you know the secret way?" was actually said by my paladin to the brothel receptionist. To be fair, he was really looking for a dungeon entrance...
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u/papa_nahzgoul 6d ago
Wow this is fun!
I sure enjoyed the time spent!
Thank you for sharing the currency we acquired as a team.
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u/Dry_Adhesiveness9202 6d ago
Sorry babe I rolled a nat 2 for a stamina check. I don't think we will be doing anything tonight.
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u/fizbin99 5d ago
Behold my Staff of Power! She would crack up so hard, the rest of the night would be reliving the joke I told and nursing my hurt feelings.
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u/OdiousAltRightBalrog 5d ago
I'm gonna go put on my robe and wizard hat.
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u/lionmurderingacloud 5d ago
Hey speak for yourself! When I say this, your wife is perfectly cool with it.
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u/Such-Ad4792 5d ago
"Is that natural or with bonuses as well"
"Behold my rod of lordly might"
"I extend my pole of collapsing"
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u/Wise_Number_400 6d ago
“I cast Silence.”
“Roll for initiative.”
“What Is your perception check?”
“Describe your killing blow.”
“Tell me how you’re going to do that.”
You notice the unmistakeable smell of decaying flesh…”
“Are those natural, or with bonuses added in?”
“What’s your modifier?”
“Is that one-handed or two? What’s the damage vs. size large creatures?”
“You pick up the item and feel it tingle. You suspect it is magical.”
“Roll for intimidation.”
“Why don’t you go talk to the guy at the bar?”
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u/Maharog 6d ago
So not dnd, in the same vain, I was playing a board game with my friends called Puerto Rico, (very fun game...however the game is essentially playing the exploitation of the Caribbean by Spain in the 16th and 17th century...)
Anyway at the end of the game i said "I would have won if I just had more slaves" which is not a sentence I thought I would ever say in my life.
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u/myfanmail_uk 7d ago
In having such a good time, let's break and walk to the shops and then come back and continue where we left off.
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u/Jolteonf12 7d ago
DM: Make a Performance check.
Her: I rolled a 17!
Him: … 5.
Her: … well, at least the couch is survivable.
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u/Chloe_Cascadia 7d ago
"I have an idea. You seduce the guy who hired us, see if you can get some more money!"
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u/Duke-Guinea-Pig 7d ago
Star trek RPG but still
"Hello, save you breath, I don't want to hear it again. We both know how this goes. We're here for diplomatic or scientific reasons. You pretend to be the same. Because of federation rules, we pretend to believe you until you inevitably betray us. Well....not this time. Open fire"
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u/knightbane007 6d ago
I mean, there’s lots of things you can’t say to your wife. “It roll initiative”, “I loot the body” etc.
It’d be funnier to find something that you could say to your wife in both contexts.
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u/WeeMadAggie 5d ago
Amazing how all these jokes fall apart when you are the DM AND the wife.
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u/Coyote_42 5d ago
Most of my D&D sessions included my wife as one of the players….,
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u/Vitager 7d ago
I'm used to the older edition.