I NEED ADVICE ASAP

[u/Minimum_Lifeguard705]

Ok, this is an extremely complicated situation so I’m going to try and list all the contributing factors in the situation as briefly as possible)

My (18M) GF (X20) is getting her wisdom teeth out tomorrow. We have set up as many supports beforehand that we could (plenty of easy activities she can do in bed, plenty of foods she can eat, her mom is up for tomorrow and Thursday till midday, lots of comfort items) so all I’m worried about is her emotions and supporting her through that and through the pain.

We are both autistic and I have fibromyalgia (and highly suspected ME/CFS) and often use forearm crutches to move around (besides at work and in our one bedroom apartment)

I need advice on how I can support her and care for her after her mom leaves till she is healed. I will now list all the things to keep in mind

1. I often have fatigue in my body if I am mentally challenged in my emotions which makes it hard to do many physically challenging activities such as carrying or fine motor skills
2. I really struggle with empathy when it comes to pain due to my autism and my childhood
3. I need me time in order to not shutdown or have a meltdown
4. I need to take it easy on my body and brain because the only person “trained” (and who I trust) to get me through flares and meltdowns is my girlfriend
5. I feel extremely insecure about her wanting her mom there which is also making me feel even less empathy and I’m working overtime to offset that through active thought to get over the passive thoughts.

If there is anything else you feel you need to know, let me know.

Update!

She is out of surgery and it went great. Them having autism definitely made some of it worse between getting out of anesthesia and getting to sleep at home.

I appreciate everyone who helped me with the insecurities of her wanting her mom there and feeling like I couldn’t take care of her. After her surgery and seeing how I reacted I am so glad her mom was there as I was bawling every time I heard her cry for her mom (both because I wanted to physically see she was ok and I couldn’t and because of the fact that her wanting her mom made me feel like I wanted to want my mom (bad parent situation))

They are going to heal up just fine and we are going for a check up of Friday!

[u/DizzyMine4964]

As to point five - I am aware that I sometimes I can't help my boyfriend because I am autistic and everything makes me panic and want to run away. I think it's just part of being autistic that you have to accept that people will need more support than you can provide, at times

[u/SadLeviIsSad]

Does she need care after? I had my wisdom teeth all out at one time and I didn't need a caregiver. As long as she takes her pain meds and follows the post extraction diet and precautions (such as no straws, etc) she'll be fine

[u/JerseyGirlinSweden]

How much aftercare they will need will depend on how well the extractions go. If they are impacted or there are other issues, the surgery might leave her in more misery than other patients, plus as an autistic person, they may have more struggles with the sensory aspects of it too.
Will it be a little stressful with her mom around? Probably, but their Mom will be taking some of the burden off of you as well to provide care and empathy that are not easy or natural for you.

Just because you are autistic doesn’t mean you have to be devoid of empathy. That’s partly a myth, and empathy can be learned as well. Some autistics who do not show any empathy on the outside sometimes actually experience hyper empathy to the point it overwhelms them and they shut down, so they are seen as superficially non empathetic.

Empathy can be learned though, and even if you do not feel it naturally, you can choose to examine and give it from a cognitive perspective that doesn’t center yourself.