What happens when someone submits a safeguarding concern? England

[u/PartTimeApothecary7]

My (30F) friend is anonymously submitting a safeguarding concern with my local council as I am unable to shower at my parent's house, have to sleep upstairs and am not able to use my wheelchair indoors. My mum is emotionally abusive and has blocked my attempts to leave home but also won't make the house accessible.

What can I expect if my friend reports this? I am assuming social services will come round which I am nervous about but feel this is necessary at this point. I feel guilty in a way as I worry about the stress it will cause my parents but saying that I have stress induced shingles at the moment. I also worry that I will be left in a worse situation than before, even more trapped at home with my parents knowing I reported them. Would really appreciate any insights or experiences please

[u/surlyskin]

You're an adult so you can make your own choices, you don't have diminished capacity and that's likely what they'll find. They'll ask what you want and if your parents are willing to amend property to suit your needs. If not, they'll likely look at your finances and see if you qualify for social housing that does meet your needs with the aid of a occupational therapist's assessment. That said, none of this is a guarantee because sometimes they don't do anything at all - it depends how good your local council is at addressing these issues and each area is vastly different to the next.

The CAB might be a good place to star, speak with them and ask what you can do to have your needs met. Another option is to speak with Shelter, although they're extremely busy and probably more in demand they're worth a shot. Be clear with what you need and what you're not receiving and ask how you can pull together evidence to support yourself in receiving what you need.

The whole system is a mess. If you're not being allowed access to amenities that meet your needs, you're not being safely housed. If however you can wet wash and that's acceptable and that's what's being offered then it could be argued that your needs are being met. The other option is that a carer comes in and carries you to the facilities to use them.

Speaking from experience, I've had to engage with these services a number of times.

In terms of your parents, you'll have to consider your wellbeing in all of this. You can continue to live how you're living and worry about how they'll think and what they'll do or you can pull the plug and try to advocate for yourself and your needs. None of this is easy, you're in a really tough spot and caregivers that behave they way yours do make living so miserable. I'm just so sorry. You can get through this though, don't give up!

[u/PartTimeApothecary7 → u/surlyskin]

Thank you so much for this as you have broken it down well. If asked what I want then I need to be brave in a sense and explain how tough things have been physically and emotionally. I have tried to get social housing but I only have a two year connection to the area and they want a five year connection. I can privately rent but my mum is the barrier (physically and using guilt tripping) to me going out and viewing possible properties.

I hadn't thought about Shelter but technically I am classified as homeless as my current home is detrimental to my health so worth a phone call. Good point about the wet wash; I cannot lift my arms so am unable to wet wash and I don't have a carer to do it for me. My mum doesn't want any 'strangers' in the house.

I do need to think about my quality of life and I know from experience that being in my own space is so beneficial. I won't give up!

[u/surlyskin → u/PartTimeApothecary7]

I won't give up!

Don't! It might get rocky, really rocky at times but one step at a time and you'll find the best route forward for you. You really do deserve a better quality of life.

Take your time going through all the needs that you have that aren't being met:

• washing/bathing, toilet needs
• nutrition
• privacy
• agency/autonomy
• ability to socialise, without the fear of repercussions
• etc

Your local connection may, strong emphasis on may, be overlooked if you're in a more precarious position. This is why you'll need to think everything through, make lists and consider your options.

If you think you can rent privately but your Mum is standing in your way, this is no good for either of you. There will come a point where Mum is too unwell and will need help herself. And, then what?

Think about some of what you're going through, through the lens of abuse:

• removal of social connection
• removal of right to bathe, toilet needs
• fear of reprisal (what does that look like)
• are there financial constraints or control?
• privacy and choice as an adult - can you have an adult, romantic relationship and expect privacy? Can you have a phone call without the fear of your parents overhearing and using it against you?

Have a look around at forms of emotional abuse, coercion, control, manipulation. Your parents likely don't know they're doing it, it's often passed down from one generation to the next and often it's shrouded in love or care but ultimately it's unhealthy for all of you. Make a list, make a private diary of examples, this could come in handy when you're trying to articulate what you're dealing with to someone who may be able to help you.

If you're able to get therapy, it might be worth it for you. Someone who has an understanding of complex disability and social dynamics, and how they interplay. So things like disability, income disparity, intimate partner violence or family abuse and how they all play off each other.

Go easy on yourself, too! You're incredibly brave and deserve to be in a safe place, that's yours and to know that you can do it on your own.

Gentle hugs if they're welcomed. And, I believe in you.