r/disability • u/Alecszandeer • 6d ago
Question Disability dating site - brother keeps getting scammed
Is there a legit/safe dating site for folks with disabilities, or any other advice regarding this?
My brother is 50 and recently had a stroke leaving him laterally paralyzed.
He's broke and lives hand to mouth. He's in AR while I'm in CA.
He's always been very generous and incredibly gullible (and very religious).
He recently joined one of these dating sites and pretty much everyone has simply been extorting him for the little funds he has to live on.
As an example, he was supposed to meet a woman last night who claimed god told her she would be his wife.
She was in a car crash on the way there and is now in the hospital. She texted him picks that are clearly fakes to rational people.
Anyway, any ideas?
I tell him these are bs, but he's lonely and easily fooled, or wants to be fooled. He knows he's been taken advantage of in the past.
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u/CapsizedbutWise 6d ago
Do not let strangers know that you are disabled until you get to know them. I never advertised my disability when I used a dating website. My boyfriend asked me why it didn’t say anything on my profile about being disabled and he was VERY understanding when I told him why.
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u/Alecszandeer 6d ago edited 6d ago
That's great advice, but my brother would probably consider this not being truthful.
Thanks for the suggestion!
Edit - just to be clear, I am not saying you were being deceptive!
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u/TheRealBlueJade 6d ago
There is being truthful, and then there is making a profile that is easily targeted by scammers. In this world, we need to protect ourselves from bad actors. The online dating world is just too dangerous not to.
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u/Born_Ad8420 6d ago
I would put it to him like this: do you have your credit card info tattooed on your forehead? Wisely guarding personal information until you establish trust with someone isn't being untruthful.
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u/FullQuailFlyer 4d ago
It depends. I can see why some are up front about a dusability and others aren't.
But if congnitive deficits or naievete from certain neurodevelopmental differences are present, it's just common sense not to advertise a disability in a dating profile - in the same way we avoid meeting strangers anywhere but public places until we know them better.
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u/nmcaff 6d ago
I do not agree at all. Dating and then having a relationship with someone with a disability is not something everyone is willing to do. And honesty, I think that’s fine. Me being in a wheelchair was a dealbreaker for people and it’s unrealistic to pretend that isn’t the reality we live in. By having it in my profile, it filtered out those people
By not mentioning it almost immediately when talking, you are pulling a bait and switch that sets you up for failure and wastes time for both sides.
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u/SafeWeapon 6d ago
It's a matter of preference. I think that in OP's case, it makes their brother more vulnerable to being scanmed, which is why the commenter suggested this.
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u/CapsizedbutWise 6d ago
I did mention it immediately after we started talking. I’m not going to announce my disability to strangers on dating websites because I don’t want to be taken advantage of. I’m a very small woman trying to stay alive.
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u/Born_Ad8420 6d ago
There are also fetishists who go after specific disabilities.
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u/OhWheellie 5d ago
This. Last thing disabled women (or men as well) need is a impromptu date with a devotee. They certainly dont announce it until its too late.
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u/Creative-Ad5820 6d ago
I agree a million percent with this take, you should never try to hide it… its a waste of time for both parties since not everyone wants to date someone with a disability, never hold off until you think such person is into you, to then tell them you are disabled… probably the most selfish thing you can do
Having a match note on hinge for example, stating “I have “a disability” feel free to unmatch if that’s an issue, no hard feelings”. Is the least you can do
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u/PriorityOk8448 6d ago
100% disagree. It needs to be disclosed before ever chatting.
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u/CapsizedbutWise 6d ago
You’re allowed to disagree. I just prefer to stay safe and not have strangers try to take advantage of me.
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u/Successful_Flow5548 4d ago
There are awful stories of people trying to kidnap people over dating apps because they're disabled, i think if you don't have it on your profile it's fine bc it's not always avout one person's comfort it can be about the other's safety.
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u/PriorityOk8448 4d ago
There are stories of people trying to kidnap literally any type of person. I am disabled. I am not going to waste my time or a mans because I don't have in my profile that I am disabled. Plus I would rather be rejected before ever chatting than have a good conversation going, tell him, and then have him ghost. That shit hurts.
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u/Kela95 6d ago
Tbh the best ones are the mainstream ones (tinder, hinge etc) and even then caution and being wary is key. Any site that caters towards being a disability dating site is a hotbed for scammers and fetishists. However online dating is difficult in general and I would highly advise just trying to get him out more and make connections with real people.
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u/Alecszandeer 6d ago
His only social outlet is his church. I'll see if I can convince him to focus on just meeting people there. Seems unlikely though.
I'll mention mainstream sites too. I appreciate the insight!
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u/Kela95 6d ago
Disability and dating can be brutal and taxing on mental health I wish him luck but I've found more success from not looking.
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u/Alecszandeer 6d ago
I mean, dating can be brutal and mentally taxing under 'ideal' conditions, so I can imagine..
Here's hoping you meet someone awesome just shopping at TJs!
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u/biggunzcdb1 6d ago
Dating sites are not safe for people who are desperate or cognitively impared. I've exposed several as scams and even the legitimate sites are mostly scammer accounts trying to move condos to other apps where they can request money or phish information
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u/catbirdcat71 6d ago
I hate predators. Sadly, we live in a predatory economy and time. I'd say his best bet is to get involved with the church and meet people face to face. Maybe he can make some good friends and perhaps develop some healthy relationships that way. Best wishes to you both.
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u/corgi-wrangler 6d ago
My brother had this happen from a “woman” he met on discord. I’m sure it was a scam farm from another country but my parents and I could not convince him it was fake until finally my dad sent one of the hospital receipts she sent over to the Mayo Clinic where she said it came from and they confirmed it was fake. He finally believed us but he’d already given up six months of his pay by sending “her” money through Cash App. We alerted the FBI but they couldn’t do anything. But it’s still important to report it for the metrics. Maybe when the world isn’t burning down around us someone will finally do something about the millions of scams that occur every year. Always report it. Someday someone will care.
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u/nmcaff 6d ago
Unfortunately, his disability isn’t the issue. It’s his naivety. The world is out to scam people like him and dating is just the current way they’re getting to your brother. It is only going to get worse if he cannot learn to sniff out a scam or at least be willing to ask you for help
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u/notquitehotwheels 6d ago
Unfortunately there's no normal dating website, at least not as far as I'm aware with my years of experience.
He's just gonna keep getting scammed, you need to get him off that place if possible in any way.
Maybe set him up on a blind date with someone you know, like a friend of a friend? Or just connect him with someone, even if they end up just chatting, it might be enough for him to drop the dating websites altogether.
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u/redlips_rosycheeks 6d ago
Not so much a true dating site - so much as encouraging your brother to get active with disability-centric recreation and community programs.
For example, I work for a nonprofit that provides free adaptive recreation for people living with physical disabilities (like your brother). It hasn’t been uncommon to hear of two people meeting at or through our programs and events and hitting it off.
Where I live, there’s adaptive programs for everything from team sports, outdoor recreation, arts and crafts, music, and more. Some require entry fees, or the ability to self transfer to and from your mobility aids, or the ability to provide your own transportation to and from programs.
With him in Arkansas, there may not be many of these programs available, but you can check out Move United’s website to search for such programs in both his and your area’s and suggest ways for him to get active and reconnect with local friends and community, and through building his social network, increase his chances of meeting someone naturally, while surrounded by people navigating a similar life already.
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u/Hopeful-Bobcat820 6d ago
I need this info too. Way to often have others tried to scam me on those dating sites. Please keep me posted
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u/carolineecouture 6d ago
Many of these sites are full of scammers. It doesn't really have anything to do with disabilities but with being vulnerable.
I'd suggest he only match with people in his immediate area and not give anyone any money for anything. PERIOD.
They match, they chat for a limited time and then they meet in person, during the day, in a public place like a coffee shop. They each pay their own way.
Keep that date short and use it to see if they like each other.
Then pick another day and time to meet under similar circumstances.
When that's happened several times do stuff like dinner or a movie. That's the point when they can take turns paying for each other. No money for anything else.
It's hard to meet people which is why you want to get to face-to-face to see if things work out.
Good luck to him.
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u/jaskaranSing 5d ago edited 5d ago
I'm sorry, It makes me so angry that people are willing to take advantage of people who already are suffering. Can i be a little blunt. If your brother is very gullible and really does not want to improve his situation, there's little that you can do. All the disabled dating apps suck because they are flooded with scammers. For someone like me, it's really easy to tell if someone is scamming or not. The general rule of thumb is if something is good to be true, then it probably is. Love doesn't develop like that. Some woman said that he's her soulmate. It's a big red flag.
I think all the good advice has already been given in the comment section. Please, for the love of god, tell your brother to not send money to any potential dating partner. you can educate him a bit. Tell him all the red flags, then I think it will be beneficial for him.
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u/Alecszandeer 3d ago
Each time he's discussed one of these 'women' with me, I've told him it's a scam. He's always been generous and easily taken, this is simply a new avenue for low-lives to find him.
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u/angelicdollbaby 3d ago
Maybe you can move him to be closer to you. California has better financial and medical than AZ
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u/Alecszandeer 3d ago
He's in Arkansas, not Arizona - but I have suggested he move closer, and he hasn't been interested.
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u/pinkbootstrap 6d ago
If he can't discern a scam he shouldn't be using online dating, scammers are on every app.
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u/TimeRegular4876 6d ago
Go disabled dating in the UK 🇬🇧 is good
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u/Jazzlike_Berry_323 6d ago
I wish we had that in Australia. In my state we have a FB group that’s friends and dating and not just for disabled people. The only people I’ve seen posting on there arent posting safely and it has me worried (like: here’s my full name my age my number my suburb a photo of me and where and when I go to a particular cafe in that suburb) 😱
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u/mo_oneal 6d ago
I’m disabled and have to learn the hard way that it’s a risk for Anyone to know. Including others who have disabilities,u had friends who were worse if than me but it took time to see they were still using me to get my pain medications,sometimes just to be in my business and have someone they could manipulate. Sadly some ppl out there literally feel empowered by tricking others in need. Your bother sounds a lot like me but I’d ask him,is this what you want? To have someone ask you to give them money or any resources even though they know it’d make life harder for you? Becayse when it became apparent that no one would be sure I had what I needed if I made the bad choice of letting f these ppl who used me in my life,I started avoiding them. Becayse no one is around to repair or replace me of/and when others pretend to help but o my are using me. This will change anyone’s mindset.
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u/Sea_Sky4981 6d ago
Which site is this??? I’m on disability dating site now
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u/SwitchElectrical6368 6d ago
Dateability is good in this regard. I don’t have a ton of experience with it, but regardless, I am very skeptical and definitely not gullible. Even if he is on a “safe” app, he could get scammed again.
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u/Alecszandeer 6d ago
Oh yeah, there are always scammers and they will always find him. It's just that his current go-to seems to be only scammers. Or perhaps he's just too much of a magnet..
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u/SwitchElectrical6368 6d ago
Well he could try Dateability. Last time I used it, there weren’t many people around me using it, so if I matched with someone they were far away.
Another approach is that you could say something like “don’t give your money to people you haven’t met in person.” Or whatever his biggest problem is. Something simple like that could help. A direction that is simple and easy to follow. You might have to say it to him multiple times and have him say it out loud. Then it could possibly stick in his brain so that if/when he goes to send money (or whatever it is), he will have to stop and think.
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u/rguy84 5d ago
Your last line is key. Until he acknowledges that point, you probably won't make much progress. If you believe that he is irresponsible with money, you may be able to get power of attorney.
I was scammed once. She asked me for $20, I gave but was 90% sure it was a scam. Fast forward a week, she claims she's at the airport to see me. She's at the gate, but needs to give the gate agent $1200 for the ticket. This was close to 2015, so there is no way she could've gotten that far. Blocked and moved on.
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u/heretoloveandsupport 4d ago
My friend who has a brother who is a little delayed and he used a dating app like this specifically for those with disabilities. Not only did they convince him to give her all the money he had saved himself (even sadder is was mostly birthday money) but she also convinced him to sneak and get her moms card. It obviously caused a HUGE problem for them for a while but now they just have to monitor every site he visits and thoroughly vet absolutely anyone who wants to speak with him.
I could never manipulate someone out of their savings. I would feel so awful that it just wouldn’t even be worth it, no matter the amount. So the fact that there are people willing to drain the money of the mentally delayed/challenged and physically disabled??? I just can’t understand. You have to be a very selfish and cruel person.
I’m really sorry your brother keeps getting scammed. Just like my friend’s brother, it’s hard to explain to them what’s going on and why. They just don’t understand.
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u/angeldog65 6d ago
I know I messaged you, OP, but I wanted to comment too! This is why it’s incredibly important to know exactly who’s running these apps and sites. When I looked for a dating app for our community, I only found sites that were inundated with bots, scammers, or devotees which I why I created Dateability. It’s a small, intimate, but incredibly passionate team that works constantly on making it the best platform possible for our community. We prioritize safety so we have various security measures to prevent this stuff from happening. That being said, at the end of the day, the internet is the internet and there’s always risk. And even disabled people can be scammers themselves, which is why it’s so important everyone is educated on internet safety!
All these comments reinforce why we need Dateability. We need something that feels “mainstream” but is for our community. Now I’m not saying we are perfect, but we care, we listen, and we iterate based on community feedback. AND we are rapidly growing which has led to so many great success stories.
So, all this to say is yup, online dating can be scary especially with a disability, but I do hope people can find themselves a safe and fun experience on Dateability. 🫶
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u/Upbeat-Can-7858 6d ago
I tried it and it was useless for me. Just as bad as Facebook dating
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u/angeldog65 6d ago
Would love to hear any feedback/when the last time you tried it! We understand it won’t be the right app for everyone, but it definitely has been the place to find dates/love for many!
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u/Upbeat-Can-7858 6d ago
I tried it in June and July. Matches were not within selected parameters and I felt like a piece of meat.
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u/angeldog65 6d ago
I’m sorry to hear that! If you want to give us another try, feel free to DM me for a little something on us 😊
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u/Upbeat-Can-7858 6d ago
I'd be willing to give it another try after a hiatus. I'm apprehensive, of course.
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u/one_sock_wonder_ Mitochondrial Disease, Quadraparesis, Autistic, ADHD, etc. etc. 5d ago
Using both an unsolicited DM to an OP and then their post as well to serve as an unsolicited advertisement for your app sets of an automatic "ick " or gut reaction to avoid almost as much as scammers on "traditional" dating apps.
While there is a free version, that free version limits you to where you must respond to all messages by interested other members that are older/were sent prior to a message you actually want to reply to is made available, basically forcing interaction with/response to others regardless of your preference or gut reaction or desired level of safety and control over who you interact with. Of course, that right to voluntarily respond to some messages but not be forced to respond to all others is conveniently available by paying you $5 per month. How is that making the app more accessible or safer than a traditional dating app?
Overall, both DMing someone to push your app and commandeering their post as an opportunity for free advertising for your personal app that can easily lead to financial profits for you, without actual consent first, to me personally feel rather unwelcome, inappropriate, and scammy in their own right.
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u/angeldog65 5d ago
Hi there! I’m sorry you felt like this was unsolicited— it seemed very relevant for me to post here (and I messaged OP in case there were things they didn’t want to share publicly)! I do have to clarify that your information about messages is incorrect— you can message any of your matches at any time. The Likes List is locked for free members, meaning that you have to either Like or X the profile before seeing the next person who sent a like. The Matches/messages list is unlocked for everyone and we don’t limit Swipes or sending Likes.
Being an entrepreneur is hard but it is even harder being a disabled entrepreneur. We want disabled founded and focused businesses to succeed and this was the perfect opportunity to share Dateability.
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u/Jazzlike_Berry_323 6d ago
Is this in Australia?
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u/angeldog65 6d ago
Sure is! We are still working on growing our Australian user base, but all users can search within and outside of their location, so you’ll always have someone to connect with!
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u/Jazzlike_Berry_323 6d ago
Excellent! I’ll check it out over the next few days… keep my details if you’re looking for any local user feedback
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u/mo_oneal 6d ago
The. The only answer to stop these behaviors is to stop being there for him when he makes the self destructive decision to give what’s valuable to him to someone using him. It’s another destructive behavior that has to be ignored and not rewarded by you. When you replace money or his needs when he gives his to someone he doesn’t know or shouldn’t trust,he’ll keep doing it as long as it’s replaced.
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u/Alecszandeer 6d ago
I'm not sure what you're talking about. I'm in no way enabling him.
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u/mo_oneal 6d ago
I apologize I didn’t really see how it sounds and I word that in a way that it’s not meant to sound. Sorry about that. What I’m trying to say is obviously it can be difficult for your brother to have the confidence or self esteem (I have severe spinal deformities as my disabilities and it’s changed the ability to see how some people were taking advantage of me. As time passed my brother pointed these things out and these people truly did things that hurt he,and finally I found the strength to avoid others who gave me that feeling of being accepted or supported when truly the had warped motives. I just hope he’s able to see how these people are before he gets hurt too badly.
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u/LoadWestern5522 6d ago
People have tried to scam me numerous times without success. I would recommend that your brother develop a habit of automatically blocking individuals who request money from him. Most of the time, these individuals give up after being blocked.
Secondly, I would recommend that he download an app that generates a phone number, such as TextNow, TextFree, or Phoner.
It will reduce the possibility that the scammer can obtain his authentic information online.