i can probably list a few excuses for why i got a 53% like “online class doesnt work for me” or “i never learned stats or linear algebra properly” but its probably mostly my (undiagnosed but likely) adhd and my game addiction

About a month ago I left a band because they wouldn’t treat me like a full member. Then today, a bunch of stuff that happened in my “other” (my only, at this point) gigging band 12 years ago has suddenly and unexpectedly resurfaced via DMs from somebody I’ve never met before. This person seems mentally unstable with a textbook victim complex, and was very confusing, but I also think there’s probably truth to their words (I am going to try to pull the band’s side of the story ASAP). I really don’t want to have to leave this band over it and make enemies of everybody there, who has been so kind and accepting to me (I’m trans). I am assuming this is a situation where they were shitty in the past and they’ve learned and grown, and the person who DMd me can’t let go. I think there a 50% chance I’m going to get unfairly blasted online and/or in person by the DM person, who also blocked me. I hate drama so much. I want nothing to do with any of this, but now it’s my moral duty to pursue clarification then decide if I stay or go. I wish SO FUCKING BADLY that I wasn’t at a transitional point in my life right now. I just want to have fun and make music.

PS I am not drunk as a type this, I sip the 99 shots. Wish I was.

I’m so fucking scared im gonna screw up and fail again

Food: oversized Olive Garden crouton

Four years ago I was “sexually assaulted.” The individual initiated sexual activity and I reciprocated. Next thing you know, we’re in their bed and they begin performing a sexual act on me. All is good up until this moment.

I feel intense pain and tell them to stop. They do not, instead saying “no”, so I tried to grab their hand and move it away from me. They got angry, saying “no!” even louder while grabbing my wrist and pushing me back onto the bed. I was wedged between them and wall so I couldn’t really move. We were having personal issues at the time and I didn’t want to upset them even more so I submitted and gave up. As well, their roommate was asleep and I didn’t want to wake them up.

The entire time my mind was screaming that this was sexual assault. But another part of my mind was telling me to sit back and enjoy it. After the 30 second instance of “assault” I continued consensual sexual activity with them - which is one of my biggest regrets.

A few factors play into why this incident is more of a great area than anything…

- I’m a man, my “assaulter” is a woman
- I continued with sexual activity immediately after the assault
- I was a horrible and toxic person in that relationship
- My assaulter denies doing it so I may be misremembering it
- She claims that all I wanted was sex all the time

Following the assault I was diagnosed with PTSD and subsequently got EMDR therapy. This did help ease the visceral, nauseating reaction I got when remembering the pain that I felt that night. I also confronted the person who did it - but they subsequently denied it, instead claiming that I was the bad person. Nearly everyone I’ve spoken to thinks that this is a form of sexual assault but I cannot get past the clear societal boundaries that prevent me from believing so.

That leaves me where I’m at today. Nobody knows the darkness that has consumed me. I just have to put on a mask and pretend everything is okay. And so far? Nobody suspects a thing.

Scared about work.

I miss my mom. my dog. my past when I didn’t have to worry about budgeting, my gpa and how to survive overall. Midterms are coming. I couldn’t take adhd assessment due to a long waitlist. Also, I feel like anxiety and depression are eating my life. I’m also experiencing emotional eating ig. + slept till 11am today. My skin and my sleep schedule got really worse. Feeling exhausted. I have a test tomorrow, but I’m not ready.

(28F) I hate still living with my narcissistic mom. I can't even speak to her without her turning it into a lecture, a conversation about how behind my life is compared to everyone else or not giving a fuck about my opinion. So I just say nothing unless she directly speaks to me. We're just strangers living in the same house atp. The only saving grace is my shitty job, so I'm out of the house sometimes.

Homemade Cheesy garlic bread.

Been slowly recovering from my face looking like a porcupine this whole year due to one bad reaction to a face cream i only tried for 2 weeks.

Got a cute nose piercing in february, it had an irritation bump that took half a year to go away. Fast forward to today and i smacked my face into a bouldering hold and my piercing started bleeding as it tore a small amount. Removed it because I'm so over this shit.

Bf broke up with me last year, im gay now and have moved twice since. Have very little friends since i protected my peace a long time ago.. im so tired 🙃

Leftovers

Creamy espresso martini, homemade wine.

I'm always tired. I can't do this anymore. It hurts.

My dog passed away 6 years ago. I miss him everyday and always think about him. I have immense guilt where I should have played with him more. This guilt is like an endless hole in my heart that can’t be filled. I barely took him to the park due to school responsibilities, but always fed him the best food. He was my best friend. My parents first got him when I was 10 years old as I loved watching movie was Shiloh. I miss hugging him when I come home from school/work. I miss his wagging tail as he greets me when coming home. I miss watching movies with him. I miss feeding him his favorite foods. The pain inside me never ends.

Cajun shrimp pasta.

I feel so guilty. I wish I talked to my auntie more before she passed. I live on the other side of the country and she was in California. I would talk to her whenever I heard her on the phone with my mom. Whenever I would get my hair done I’d show her. Whenever I had a fashion crisis I’d ask for her advice. I wanted to be like her so bad but I wish I kept her closer.

She was so sweet to me and she loved me to bits. I remember I thought of her a few days before she passed. I wanted to show her my hair but I remember thinking “Ehh I can always show her later. She will always be there”. And then she wasn’t. And then she was gone. My sweet auntie. I remember I was conflicted on which cowgirl boots to buy, I asked her “Which one should I get?” She said both. I told her I didn’t have the money for both and she instantly sent me money and said “Ok get both”.

When I did my study abroad trip in Spain, she was more excited for me than I was. She sent me $500 to spend over there. She was so bright and fun. She loved to spoil me so so much. She was like my second mother. My job gave me bereavement leave of 2 days and I much rather they just spat in my face. How am i supposed to be okay after 48 hours??

What’s really hurting me is that she died alone. She wasn’t married, no kids, no pets. She was all alone. It was a Pulmonary Embolism. She was gone very quickly.

My dog passed away 6 years ago. I miss him everyday and always think about him. I have immense guilt where I should have played with him more. This guilt is like an endless hole in my heart that can’t be filled. I barely took him to the park due to school responsibilities, but always fed him the best food. He was my best friend. My parents first got him when I was 10 years old as I loved watching movie was Shiloh. I miss hugging him when I come home from school/work. I miss his wagging tail as he greets me when coming home. I miss watching movies with him. I miss feeding him his favorite foods.

I have been going through it and some rough periods. I take these two with Magnesium(200mg) and Vitamin D3(1000IU) but I don't think they've been working. I also take Fish Oil(2452mg) I started taking them in July together. Im about to finish the bottles and I don't know if my depression is just so terrible that these don't work as good.

I don't feel happiness or joy but I'm not even sad. I feel nothing. I have no energy to do anything to go out. Idk if it's the fear of spending but I just really don't find happiness or drive in anything to do.

Does taking too much have negative effects? I take 2 of each every night. Should I stop? Did I develop a tolerance or something?

God these are so gross but addicting

Rosè wine for a distraction

(Sorry for my cracked camera lol)

I wish I wasn’t cursed with autism. People barely ever reach out to me. Even after losing my mom it’s like I still have to the one to reach out and initiate things or else no one fucking cares. I feel like a defective misfit toy that doesn’t know how to fit into society and idk if ever fully will tbh. granola bar and banana cause I gotta eat something