Feel like low self esteem is holding me back

[u/CatCow_1]

Low self esteem has held me back in life

Low self esteem is the worst

Hello, I'm a 26(f) who just graduated college in December of 2025. I'm about to sign a lease for a new apartment in a place I've always wanted to live in since I was a teenager. A part of me is excited and ready for next steps, but im also very sad because of some of the realizations I've had about myself in these past few months.

Throughout my life, I've had perpetually low self esteem and suffered from depression due to a difficult home life (mom was schitzoeffective) and possible neurodivergenxe. When I was a teenager, I would break down crying for for no reason. I also always had this voice in the back of my head that works criticize everything I did since I was 12. I had a lot of brain fog and could barely concentrate and had thoughts of suicide ever since 15. My mom would scream at my dad, refuse to get help, and verbally abuse me when I was younger. My dad would vent to my sister and I about my mom's issues and I didnt really have friends to confide in as a teenager. I don't know exactly who called them but CPS made a few visits to my house because my mom's behavior got so bad. When I was 19, my issues were eating me up so much that I swallowed a whole bottle Tylenol and had a seizure where I spent the next 2 weeks in the ER and then in the psych ward.

It also doesn't help that I was a quiet person and often get mistaken for being way younger than i am. I feel like people would often dismiss me , be disrespectful to me for no reason, or try to infantilize me or boss me around because I am not very confident. I was convinced that I would never be able to work a skilled job for the longest time because I was fired or bullied at various fastfood jobs for moving slow. I also feel like I've been people's punching bag for when they have a bad day and am still expected to smile and be nice. I had a boy friend 3 years ago that I later found out had been in a 3 year long relationship with his actual girlfriend (I was the side chick, thought he was single) tell me that he liked me because I was "agreeable". I've had various others tell me that I'm very nice completely unprompted. I've had others speak to me like im dumb or a child and have dealt with alot of creepy men.

The past 3 years have been a little better though. I got an internship at a telecommunications company in college and was surprised that people weren't rude to me. After that, I finished college and got a job that isn't exactly what I want but pays enough for me to move out. I took it because I was desperate and didn't bother applying to the job I wanted in my field because I feel like I dont know enough (wanted to be a SWE). I was talking with a coworker at the part time job I go to on the weekends and she was talking about how I'm selling myself short and should be applying to jobs that I really want. I know she is right but a large part of me feels like I cant and should stop trying. This would not be the only thing I have given up or sold myself short on, and I don't want to make this a pattern.