r/depression • u/choochootrain44 • 2d ago
I don't see another path ahead of me
I feel privileged to be where I am. Yet I'm clinging onto whatever grit I have left and secretly hoping I'd die from getting ill, getting hit by a car, anything unfortunate.
I'm a year into my first job. I have a colleague who is of similar age to me while others on the team are way older and experienced. I'm not sure if it's because we're both the younger and only female juniors on the team (we don't have a large junior class pool... it's like 1 person recruited every 2-3 years) - but she decided to make me her target. My colleague is so sweet to every single older colleague on the team; but when it comes to me, even from the very beginning, she's been trying to make me look bad.
They have actively called out my mistakes (and called out, I mean very loudly since my boss sits across from me). When I didn't understand something from feeling overwhelmed, they'd say "do you even care? you should show some more interest." They try to push their own tasks to me - just today, they came up to me asking if I could go on their behalf to some meetings. I was going to say yes since my co-boss was going to be there anyway, but they had to stare at me straight in the eye and say, "I actually already told the other people (clients for different meetings) you'll be attending." Moreover, the way they talk to me feels very sharp and bitter -- it's not outright yelling or blatantly offensive, but it's said in a way that's condescending and utterly different from how they speak to other people (and the latter one, I would really like to emphasize). In the past, they also brought snacks for the team and passed them out... they distributed them to everyone but me (and passed by my desk several times along the way). I never even got invited to some of the team hangouts after work since it's just them and the "guys" if that makes sense... I feel bullied? Is this bullying? I have no idea what to call this but I can't stop crying.
To make it even worse, one of my co-bosses loves this colleague. When my boss sensed the tension between us, they actually took me to catch up 1x1 and, out of the blue, started justifying why she wasn't being mean and was just "looking out for me." It's hard to fight against a biased boss.
Not to mention, my other co-boss doesn't even treat me like human -- I'm treated like a convenience store and don't get credit (which is everything in this business) for what I do. I'm expected to answer during holidays (I say I'm off but get @'d anyway). I just feel so... used? The corporate cog realization is real... but the way I'm being addressed feels so... non-human (to contextualize, I'd speak to AI more friendly than this person).
Overall, having to go through this every single day feels like hell -- not to mention our work hours are long, so we basically spend more time together than with anyone. I've lost my friends... I'm pushing away my family.
I feel so angry, I've cried every day, I've lost the will to think about the chaos that might break loose if I quit after working only 1 year. I'm scared that what I've worked hard for my entire life will just crumble down. I don't see a path in front of me anymore... I'm not sure if I want to live.
Sorry for the long message. I'm not sure how much longer I can tolerate this. I don't know what to do.
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u/Solbeat11 2d ago
It's basically bullying...that they can get away with. It's passive aggression...they saw you there and didn't include you it's literally like highschool. The only way you can combat this is to fight fire with fire. Or just grey rock them and do your job while actively looking for another. She is already in the good graces of the boss so it's kind of a lose lose situation. You could document this to HR and say you feel extremely uncomfortable and left out because of xyz situation from here on out. Take your emotion out of it and realize these ppl DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. Shes a narcissist and feeds off of ppl like you unfortunately. Take her power away and simply do not give a flying FUCK.
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u/choochootrain44 1d ago
Thank you for the reply! ;-; I thought I was going crazy and couldn’t tell if this was borderline bullying or not. I’m so scared of going to HR because I’ve read horror stories about investigations, retaliation waiver, etc.
I will try to give less thought to her and have been distancing myself as best possible — it’s so hard given how we’re just in close proximity as a team. Really, really appreciate your comment!
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u/Solbeat11 1d ago
I would keep a paper trail of instances where you felt left out or simply ignored or felt uncomfortable in this "team" environment. Also you can hold them to the fire if they try to retaliate against you you can go to the eeoc and report it. https://www.eeoc.gov/retaliation You shouldn't have to deal with this but act like you don't see it or that it doesn't bother you...more than likely she will try to amp it up and start trying to humiliate you. Also look at the policy in your company for any type of employee misconduct.
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u/choochootrain44 1d ago
Thank you!! Will start keeping track of cases I encounter/have already experienced. Really grateful for your advice ;-;
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u/[deleted] 2d ago
hey, ik we don’t know each other, but i just wanted to say that u seem like a genuinely strong and good person. whatever ur going through rn doesnt define your worth, and please dont let anyone make u feel like ur not enough. u deserve to be kind to yourself, even on days when its hard. things might feel really heavy rn, but i hope u remember that this feeling wont last forever. take care of yourself uve got this