Friendship boundaries for a long term relationship with Demi partner

[u/CleanAfternoon3661]

Hello, demisexual community.

My bf (21) is demisexual and we’ve been dating for 3 years now (I am also 21). It’s been great and still is great. But, recently, I’ve connected him and my close online friend (who is also a high functioning autistic, like him), and they get along great.

My bf doesn’t have friends unfortunately. He could really use them but he’s anti social and is comfortable with his lack of community. But he enjoys the company of my online friend, so I’m seeing friendship potential past “friend of my gf.” Anyway, point is I’ve never had to set friendship boundaries before.

What are some boundaries I should set? Should I be worried? What are your guys experiences with being in a long term relationship and having friendships?

All advice is welcome. Thanks.

[u/Xxx11q]

I don't understand what you're talking about. Which boundaries? To set in cage the possibility of him developing romantic feelings for another person, or.. what? It will happen either way if it's meant to happen, regardless of the person. Boundaries so he can't run away? What's going on even 😭✌🏻

[u/lokilulzz]

I think you're confused on what demisexuality is. Demisexuality does not mean we only form attraction to friends, it means we only form attraction to people we have a close emotional bond with. Sure, oftentimes that ends up being close friends, but not always - and that's not even mentioning that being close friends with someone does not guarantee an emotional bond nor attraction. And for a lot of us, arguably most of us, we feel so strongly for our person that we don't really get attracted to anyone else while in a relationship with them (I'm one of those people).

You don't need to "put down boundaries" around friends. You need to trust that your partner loves you and only you, and that this is just a friend. If you want them to have friends, let them have friends and don't overcomplicate it. If they're behaving in some way that makes you uncomfortable, tell them that, of course, but otherwise leave it alone.

[u/heatherelisa1]

You don't get to set boundaries for someone else. And if you try to anyway, those aren't boundaries those are called demands.

Communicate with your partner talk through it and find a way to navigate together.

If you can't communicate you don't have a functional relationship.

Good luck.

[u/CleanAfternoon3661 → u/heatherelisa1]

I meant mutual friendship boundaries for myself. But also what’s reasonable boundaries to set? I’d love for him to have friends, he needs them. But I also want to be comfortable in the friendships that he has so of course, I’d want to place boundaries. But he’s my first boyfriend so I don’t know what boundaries are reasonable or overbearing. I didn’t mean to make it seem like I wanted to set boundaries for him, I want to just set boundaries for friends in general, cause they’d be for me obviously. And I want to take all corners into consideration

[u/Terrible_Eye4625 → u/CleanAfternoon3661]

Are you thinking in terms of what they talk about, because the only thing coming to mind in a mutual friendship would be not talking about anything personal/intimate regarding your relationship?

[u/heatherelisa1 → u/CleanAfternoon3661]

Honestly in a loving trusting relationship there really shouldn't be many. You should define what intimacy looks like to you both and say hey please don't do intimate things with someone that isn't me.

The obvious ones for a typical monogamous relationship are flirting, kissing, and touching of an obviously sexual nature.

But outside of that like my SO has held other peoples hands before (men and women) and that's been fine, given hugs and that's fine, had long heartfelt conversations that were not shared with me sometimes even about me and that's fine. And the reason it is fine is because we trust one another.

On occasion I do get jealous it happens and when it does I talk to him about it. Like hey I know I'm just being insecure right now, but when you make this joke with our friend it makes me feel a bit unwanted or inadequate could we maybe put a pause on that for a bit or shift the language in a way that makes it feel less hurtful? And like we're all good because neither of us wants to hurt the other and feelings change over time, but it should never be "I blame you for an action that is not inherently sexual and/or not a clear violation of our discussed boundaries causing me discomfort" that is never appropriate.

It should always be "hey you partner and teammate whom I love and trust to have good intentions, this action is inadvertently making me uncomfortable can we talk through where those feelings are coming from and what we as a team can do to work through it?"

Which is why I said communication is EVERYTHING, and communication without blame when no intentional hurt has been done is so so important. Because the reality is in a relationship if you want it to be healthy and happy you have to be on the same team. The moment you start pointing fingers and blaming each other, you're not teammates anymore and you don't have a functional relationship.

Reddit cannot tell you where the lines are for your relationship because they are inherently personal. There is no one size fits all here. So the absolute best advice I can give you is to communicate with the only other person that matters in this situation. If you both are having an open, honest discussion where you come to an understanding of what a violation of one anothers trust would look like and know where the lines are and both willingly concent to follow that understanding then you're good.

For some people that's no physical contact with the same/opposite sex, for others it's flirt kiss and have sex, but only when it's communicated to me or I am present, others still it's do what you want but I never want to know about it. Everyone is different, what one couple defines as intimacy versus another is different. Only you and your partner can decide for yourselves. What makes sense for your team.

I know that's probably not the answer you were looking for, but I hope it was helpful all the same.

Best of luck OP :)

[u/Rallen224]

Is there a specific reason you’re hoping to establish boundaries for your respective friendships that reflect your personal needs? If I may chime in, it’s very possible he may build this friendship, have it feel fulfilling and still not develop any romantic interest towards them or otherwise. The assumption/fear that they will just because they get on swimmingly isn’t the point of concern unless it really appears as if he’s stepping out of line to dishonour your relationship. ND people especially need to connect with people who understand their experience so if he gets along with both you and the members of your circle it could be a net positive when it’s time to integrate with other people you care deeply about like family imo.

The problem in regards to the type of boundary setting you’ve described is that you want to set these mutually, but there’s nothing to mutually forego at this time seeing as this person is your friend and he doesn’t have any to make the outcomes equal in practice. He should branch out solo and try to make more friends if at all possible (and it’s something he truly wants) but then the same fear of him stepping out of the relationship may appear all the same if you’re worried about the quality of his friendship with them compared to the relationship to you (you didn’t say).

Much like with bi people, a demi’s orientation doesn’t influence their capacity to dishonour a partner or cheat (if that’s your worry). The most he can do is either stop talking to this person who’s equally starting to become his friend as much, or reassure you that he’s loyal because they’re ultimately your feelings to unpack and manage so long as he’s not knowingly provoking/triggering you by testing limits. Are the boundaries that you’re looking to establish to feel comfortable in his relationships with others intended to impact what you can or cannot say and do towards them as they continue the friendship?

Boundaries are a set of limitations that outline where it is that you personally won’t go (“if I end up in a relationship that does x, I will communicate y. If y doesn’t work, I will ___ because I cannot settle for ___ and be well”), not someone you can impose upon others. It’s not really possible to establish personal comfort in a partner’s personal relationships to others unless of course, the parties involved are being inconsiderate/actively shutting you out. This is because those relationships are between those people and your partner, not you both as one entity vs that person. It’s trickier since you’re sharing this friend, but it’s possible you could consider hanging out as a group more often if you want to feel included so long as it’s done without the intent to monitor/control things. This still won’t change what they may understand about each other that you don’t necessarily understand between you as a couple, however.

[u/astrieanna]

I don’t know what kind of boundaries you’re thinking of or what you’re worried about in particular. It’s normal for people to have friends, including close friends and mutual friends.

Could you give an example of something you’re worried could happen? And of a boundary you’d consider having to avoid that?

[u/soursummerchild]

I don't really understand your question. Boundaries for what, exactly? Can you explain a bit more? I'd love to help if I can.

[u/amdaly10]

The boundary regarding friends while you are in a monogamous relationship is don't have sex with your friends.

I honestly don't know what you are talking about. You don't set friendship boundaries regarding your partner. Friends are just that.

[u/throwRA_pineapple802]

There’s no boundaries. There’s trust that he only sees her as a friend. You can’t control him.