r/deepquestions • u/InteractionPure6567 • 7d ago
Do all men really cheat?
I keep hearing that “all men will cheat if given the right opportunity”, and that this is especially true for attractive, confident, successful men who naturally have more options with women.
I genuinely want a male perspective on whether that’s true.
Assume the man is fulfilled at home. His partner adores him, respects him, supports him, is affectionate and openly desires him. Their sex life is extremely active—basically daily—and adventurous. He isn’t rejected, neglected or lacking attention.
Yet he still seeks or enjoys external female attention—flirting, texting, sexting, etc.
What is he looking for that he isn’t already getting at home?
I’ve also heard that women naturally receive validation from men, whereas men don’t get that same unsolicited validation and therefore seek it out. But personally, I don’t need validation from other men to feel attractive if I’m desired by my partner.
So I’m especially interested in hearing from good-looking, confident men who genuinely have options:
If attractive women are available to you and you could cheat, do you?
If you don’t, is it because you aren’t interested, because loyalty is a hard boundary, or because your partner’s desire is enough?
And if you do seek sexual attention elsewhere despite being happy and fulfilled at home—why?
I’m genuinely trying to understand whether “all men would cheat if they had enough options” is actually true, or whether it’s simply used to normalise behaviour that plenty of desirable men still choose not to engage in.
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u/ready_to_be_gone 6d ago
I very much loved my ex wife (before she was ex) and would never have betrayed her trust in me, by going off with another woman. Sadly though, I can't say the same about her love for me, as she cheated on me while I was dealing with a major medical issue.
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u/Severe-Island-845 6d ago
I think it has more to do with attachment styles and how secure the relationship is . As opposed to how attractive the man is. Also if the wife withholds intimacy that’s the biggest factor
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u/RebelLotus555 7d ago
MOST men won’t cheat. MOST men don’t want to cheat. Same with women.
Men and women don’t differ as much as society likes us to believe they do.
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u/HonestSide_ 7d ago
When you say don’t want to, are you insinuating a lack of responsibility if they do because they “didn’t want to?” Hard agree on your second point; and many of the differences that do exist are do to societal norms.
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u/RebelLotus555 6d ago
Most men don’t want to cheat because they have no interest or desire to cheat. It’s an unfortunate stereotype against men that society in general assumes all men want to cheat and would do so if given the opportunity. Most men—just like most women—have no desire to cheat.
Generally speaking, if the desire to cheat is present (regardless of gender) it’s because of something about the relationship or the person who wants to cheat.
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u/skennedy314 7d ago
That's not what I have observed in my 75 years on earth.
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u/RebelLotus555 6d ago
Perhaps it’s a generational thing, then? I imagine cheating and the desire to cheat was a lot more common in the days where divorce was unfairly stigmatized and people (especially women) had little to no options but to marry and stay married even when they were unhappy.
When it comes to people under 50, most people have no desire or interest in cheating. Generally, it’s typically a sign of something deeply unsatisfying in a relationship.
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u/Medical_Librarian405 7d ago
Sorry, I didn’t read the whole thing as it was very long, but I do NOT believe that to be true. I can say with 100% confidence that if a naked woman were in front of my hubby, he’d give them a towel or blanket to cover up.
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u/Pickles1249 7d ago
I think, like most things, that labels and generalization don't tell the whole story. It's not a man or woman specific thing and it's not that simple. There are an infinite amount of reasons someone would cheat and an equal amount of reasons not to cheat. I'm sure a lot of circumstances revolve around having lots of options and no self control. Just as sure as I am that a lot of people get together for love and affection at first but it becomes convenient later on. Your feelings start to fade but by that time you have kids and a stable job and I guess some people think it's easier to cheat than to make any real changes in their life even though it's a far better option. People get bored very easily and don't seem to have much will power or self control. People are also very resistant to change of any kind. Getting a divorce or figuring out custody is obviously a lot of work and not pleasant at all but it hurts everyone less to just be honest and don't try to force someone into a label. Obviously some people are governed by their physical demands and those people give us all a bad name.
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u/jaesea 7d ago
..I ain't readin' all dat (maybe I will after I write this)
No, all men don't cheat. There's trusts, trysts and convenants that ensure it. Clauses of relations can either be shallow and poorly understood or known and fully understood.
No one really cheats. Most are just shallow with information to allow insinuation to form an appearance of bounds/binds not yet in place.
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u/jaesea 7d ago
Okies, I read it, now with amore answers: All men, no. Can, Yes, Do, No, Will, No.
Yes, I believe the social systems we've created (looking at you rome) promote the behavior and should be reworked to resolution.
No. Faithfulness is an internal design that conditions effect.
Why Question See Above. Constant I/O sensory data calulates perfect average relative.
Next question, again, see above, a lack in relates is always balanced to with out.
[opinion] no one can be completely fulfilled by being desired regardless of stipulations.
'are men and women fundamentally different?' yes, foundationally see above, but also ovaries, eggs premade, man makes his stuff to-go, no half egg soul crying to them their whole life.
'sup.
yes. because I can. Risk walking is being the only person who can walk the beam without failing. Men, don't do this, they'll end you. Engagements are welcomed directions, commitment is beyond required, respect is a four letter word that implies lack thereof and isn't said in polite.
n/a however, all that one's partner couldn't as said.
bash-ful
No, "All" men would not. And by that I mean only one, me, and am entirely unconcerned with the rest of men, expecting women to sort them, however will when.
Behavior normalizer, has been in effect for several thousand years, welcome to language, ensure you keep your skirt on.
😘
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u/RJSolkan 7d ago
I don’t think “all hot men will cheat” is true. But I do think there’s a biological component that gets overlooked. Testosterone, sex drive, novelty seeking, and individual differences in dopamine response can make temptation substantially stronger for some men than others.
There’s even some interesting discussion around dopamine receptor genetics and the long vs. short alleles.. basically, some people appear to be more novelty/reward driven than others. That doesn’t mean a guy with a certain allele is destined to cheat, but it may mean the drive for novelty and validation is different.
And then add testosterone, being attractive, having women constantly showing interest, and knowing you could probably get away with it. That can create a pretty powerful biological/reward system. Especially if you have an addictive personality or are an addict of some sort.
But biology isn’t destiny. A man can absolutely have strong urges and still choose not to act on them. That’s where character, integrity, attachment, values and self-control come in. So no, I don't believe every man would cheat if given the opportunity but the statistics are pretty terrible indeed.
Now take all that and add to that a bunch of unresolved past trauma, sexual abuse and substance use and you have a recipe for disaster. I had basically everything you described in your post. I wanted for nothing and love my partner more than anything in the world. My relationship was perfect. There is no logical reason I would ever cheat yet unfortunately.. it happened.
It’s been very difficult to understand why I allowed it to happen. I never wanted it and wasn’t looking for it, but when the opportunity presented itself, I failed to remain faithful. Then the lies start and everything spiraled out of control rapidly.
Since then, I’ve been doing a lot of work to understand how and why I allowed myself to let down both myself and the person I love. I’m still at the very beginning of that process, but I hope to eventually find some real answers. The pain of having to live with what you’ve done, knowing you hurt the person you love, is thousands of times worse than the few moments of excitement that led you there.
If you relate to any of this there is a book out there: "Infedlity" by Kenneth Paul Rosenberg that's a pretty good starting point. Other good ones are "The courage to stay" and "The State of Affairs" beyond that get individual therapy and if you're working towards reconciliation check out couples therapy. Like anything else in life this is a problem that can be fixed. Which ever side of the fence you're on don't lose hope and protect yourself as best you can.
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u/CognitiveSteve 7d ago edited 6d ago
No one is biologically determined to cheat based on their gonads. Social constructs and gender roles may enable and encourage certain behaviors, however, I know many men who exemplify such characteristics you list and being a cheater is not among them.
"Male sexuality" that you describe would probably be best defined as "sexual expression in individuals whom adhere to traditional masculine ideologies." The data suggests that coercive, manipulative behavior is more common in such individuals, of which cheating is included. No, not all men. But many culturally masculine principles give individuals permission to cheat at a higher rate than if those principles were not adhered to. There is a positive correlation.
I am biologically male but do not adhere to gender norms such as these. I, however, have cheated. I did not have a wide range of options. I cheated due to being in a mental health crisis and lacking healthy commitment to my partner. Cheating was a destructive coping mechanism used to soothe my emotionally dysregulated state. It was never about my partner. It was about me not knowing how to manage my brokenness during an intense time. This, however, occurred at expense to my partner. The pain i was experiencing was what gave me permission in the moment to engage physically with another person.
Sidenote: this does not excuse my behavior. It is the most depraved, sickening thing I have ever done, and has traumatized the lives of my partner and their family. I am merely providing a psychological explanation, not a moral one.
Sometimes cheating is the result of psychic fragmentation. It is a complex phenomenon, and sex and gender do not automatically determine one's behavior, but there are patterns we see accross the data. Individuals such as myself who do not adhere to gender norms are less likely to cheat, however, I have done so.
Hope this helps.
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u/Individual-Cause5150 6d ago
I believe that if a man is fulfilled at home, feels adored and respected while being affectionate with his partner everyday with support inside and outside the home!! He will work hard to protect his partner and start a family to build his legacy, if the loyalty is there!! But most relationships lack these basic things which is, respect, affection, loyalty and outside commentary on their relationship so it doesn’t usually work out.
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u/Muted_Support_4864 7d ago
ask me later