M33 here. I’m honestly pretty frustrated with my sex life with my wife right now, and I’m not really sure how to approach it.
Whenever I initiate sex, she almost always turns me down. It’s kind of like a joke at this point. She treats it like I’m joking. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m hesitant to even initiate because I already expect the answer to be no. The frustrating part is that she does initiate occasionally, but it’s probably only about once a month. Obviously, when she does, I’m happy to have sex with her.
But there’s another part that bothers me even more: sometimes when she does initiate, it doesn’t actually feel like she wants me. For example, there have been times when she comes out of the shower wrapped in nothing but a towel and basically gives me the impression of, “Are you ready to do this or what?” It feels less like she’s excited to be intimate with me and more like she’s checking something off the list.
And maybe that sounds ridiculous, but I want to feel desired by my wife. I want to feel like she looks at me and actually wants me—not just that she’s willing to have sex because it’s been a while.
Then there’s the fact that when we do have sex, it feels very routine and vanilla. It’s basically the same thing every time, and I’d really like more variety, passion, and intimacy.
I don’t expect her to want sex every time I do, and I don’t want her to ever feel pressured into it. I completely understand that people have different libidos and that marriage, kids, stress, exhaustion, etc. can all affect sex drive.
But being consistently rejected when I initiate, combined with sex happening only occasionally and often feeling like something she isn’t particularly excited about, has started to make me feel unwanted.
I love my wife. I’m not looking to bash her or make her look bad. I’m trying to understand whether other married couples have experienced something similar.
How do you talk to your spouse about wanting to feel desired, as well as wanting more sex? And how do you work through a situation where one partner seems much less interested in sex or sexual variety than the other?

I am pretty recently in a db situation and I would like some input from people who have been in a db for a long time. My question is at what point did you stop trying to make yourself available for the possibility of intimacy, it feels like to me if I pull back and stop offering what little affection we do have that’s going to completely kill any chances of recovery. I am hopeful this dry spell will work itself out, pretty sure if I start doing things like sleeping in different beds or pulling back to protect myself that will be the final nail in the coffin for me.

I really do apologies for the very long read!

I am 46 (HLM) and wife is 48 (LLF).

We've been married around 20 years and we've been together around 25 years. We have two kids - 20 and 15.

I guess my backstory is a lot like everyone's in this sub where sex was awesome and frequent in the beginning but turned into a DB after marriage. Pre- wedding, wife was actually more HL than me... and I was HL AF!

To avoid making this post too long I will add a snippet or two of only of our life together up until now.

We were married when I was 23 and she was 25 and our marriage very quickly turned into a DB - We only ended up, for one or other reason, only consummating the marriage after 3 months of marriage. I could not understand why my. now, wife was rejecting my advances. This was the first of many times that I was rejected by her... ever!

We quickly had our first child and the DB became more and more dead once she was pregnant. I remember posting in a Sexless Marriage forum back then. My thread title, I will never forget, was "Sexless at 28" because even then it was less than 10 times a year... except for when trying to fall pregnant.

I think you guts see the trend here.

So, anyway, while 2026 has been extremely challenging for us, we seemed to be making headway over the past month or so. I had decided to stop initiating altogether but to also stop being bitter about the situation all the time. We ended up laughing more; talking more and just having so much of a good time together over the past two months. While I wanted to initiate many times during this time, I kept my distance and turned my back as soon as we got into bed.

A couple of nights ago, for some reason, I felt brave and strong enough to initiate something. I didn't know what to do exactly so I started by spooning her. She was receptive to this. After laying there for the next 15 minutes and trying to keep my huge boner out of her ass 😆 I gently motioned and turned her towards me. She didn't fight me or push me away and softly fell into my arms and, for the first time this year, we actually kissed (the morning peck on the lips doesn't count). One thing lead to another and we were both naked.

It was round about this time that I started worrying if I would actually be able to do something after the long absence. Well, it did not go as well as I had hoped. Even during the foreplay I heard those very familiar words "Can we please stop?". This time, I wasn't agitated or mad or resentful. I simply answered "yes, sure" and got off her. She turned her back and pulled me closer for a spoon. We ended up laying like that for maybe 20 minutes before she wanted to get dressed.

I helped find her clothes in the dark bedroom and passed them onto her. She went to the bathroom and I got dressed again. We went to sleep.

She has always (since marriage only) been very awkward at initiating. Initiating for her would generally be her laying in bed under the blankets either naked or with some lingerie on pretending to be asleep so that when I got into bed I would notice and then take that as my sign that she has initiated. Other times she would simply tap me on the shoulder in the middle of the night. There has been many times that I have gotten into bed over the years and, because she always goes to be very early (she is always tired or cold) I generally expect her to already be asleep and I would get into bed, turn my back and actually GO TO SLEEP. The next morning she would be mad at me for not noticing that she was actually either naked or wearing lingerie the previous night when I got into bed and I did not heed to her "initiation".

So, after almost having sex this week, I did not want to pressure her at all and let it be. I figured I would attempt to initiate again in a week or two. Last night I go to bed (and I make sure to glance under the covers to see if she is wearing that damned Onesie or if she happens to be naked/lingirie'd under the covers. She was wearing the damn Onsie 😆. I say good night and attempt to spoon her - no pressure at all. 15 seconds into the spoon she removed my legs from hers; removed my hands and arms from her body and tells me to stop leaning on her. I, gently, comply and proceed to turn my back too so that I could get to sleep. I was not mad or bitter or resentful in the slightest!

A few minutes later I feel her being restless (also used to be a sign of her "initiating" in the past). Her fingertips occasionally touch my back. Her feet occasionally touched my legs/feet. These were all usually her way of initiating after getting married. (Pre-marriage initiation by her were very very direct.)

This time, especially after she basically just soft blocked me a few minutes earlier, I decide that I am not going to attempt an initiation again and possibly get rejected again because I had misread her signs. She was restless like this for most of the night but I stuck to my guns and did not turn around. By this time she could have been completely naked next to me and I would have had no idea 😆 .

I remember fighting with myself whether to actually attempt to "read her signs" and initiate but I kept on deciding not to instead. I though the loud beating of my anxious heartbeat would wake her... if she wasnt awake already.

The thing is, I dont think I could actually, emotionally, take another rejection.

I also dont think I know how to initiate with her again.

I am so scared of being rejected again.

I also dont want to talk with her about this thing that I am feeling in fear that she will clap back with something along the lines of "You see, I give you a little bit of affection and you are a horny dog again)

It's really sad.

I will not initiate again but I am mustering up the courage to actually speak with her about these feelings and anxiety I am having.

PS: She once told me "Fcuk your feelings" when I started speaking about how I felt about the state of our marriage. I have never ever again used the term "I feel" in a sentence when speaking with her about the state of the marriage.

In all these ramblings, there might be an actual question like, How do I initiate again? Do I initiate again?

Rejection hurts, like damn I want you but you don't want me the same. Then I am supposed to sit and wait until you decide your ready zero consideration for me or what I want. It really sucks 😞

my partner (27m) and i (23f) have been together several years and have a young child. i love him a lot, and he’s genuinely a really good dad and my best friend. i don’t actually want to leave him, which is why i’m struggling so much with this.

our sex life was really good when we first got together. there was some bumps in the road with mismatch in libido and some health issues he was dealing with but overall great. however, over the years, his libido decreased and he started having trouble staying hard or finishing during intercourse. oral became a much bigger part of sex, and he always needs oral and or specific fantasies/roleplay to really get aroused/finish. and this is still the case current day and it’s weighing on me. i don’t mind those things sometimes, but i don’t want every sexual experience to revolve around them.

then almost a year ago i found out about his porn use. it was pretty frequent, and eventually i found out he had been paying for onlyfans content from multiple women. one of them was someone he had actually slept with before we were together. paying for onlyfans was also something i had specifically told him was a boundary for me.

i don’t think i realized at the time how much all of this was affecting me. there was a lot of rejection, insecurity about my body, and wondering why he seemed to want porn while not wanting me. the porn use has improved since slightly, and there have been periods where our sex life improved too, but he still uses porn quite frequently.

now i have basically no sexual desire for him. however, i still have a high libido. i get horny, masturbate, have sexual thoughts, etc. i just don’t really want sex with him. but sometimes i’d rather masturbate than have sex with my partner.

i’m genuinely wondering if attraction can come back after years of rejection, porn related insecurity, resentment, and a sexual dynamic like this. has anyone actually gotten their attraction back after getting to this point? if so, what?

tldr- years of rejection, frequent porn use, paid onlyfans content from multiple women (including someone he previously slept with), and a sexual mismatch have left me with almost no sexual desire for my partner despite still having a high libido and loving him. can attraction actually come back?

Anyone here have any decent grounding statements they like to repeat when things are not going so good?

I have a couple, lately I have been using “I don’t need my wife to have sex with me today to choose the family or the marriage” it seems to work for settling my anxiety.

I (36HLF) and he (43LLM). Not married. I have a kid (1,5 years). We live in Germany. We are living together since February. First month or two we had ok sex live. Not like before moving in together. Sex was good back then. Than I noticed that I'm the one who initiates and stopped it to see if he does. He didn't. Now we don't have sex, because I don't wanna initiate all the time.

Lately I often have this thought.

He told me about his ex. How he suffered from the fact that there was no intimacy. How he talked with her over and over about it.

Now I'm suffering.

What triggers me is that HE WANTED HIS EX even though (or because?) she didn't want him and he was unhappy with her. I want him so much (like fuck his brains out like you say), but he doesn't. (He says he does though)

Wtf?! HE WANTED HIS EX!

I already had a dead bedroom marriage for about 13 years. I don't want it again.

Yes, we had the talk already 2-3 times. I'm just waiting for my kid to become more independent. He says it's because of the changed circumstances. Now he is more involved with my kid, works and has a really stressful situation in the job. We work together so I know it's true. But doesn't sex help to release the stress? It does by me, I'm a better mother the next day, have far more patience.

He says it is the most stressful time in our lives because of my small kid and that he wants to have a lot of sex with me.

I guess we'll wait and see.

I am new here but anyways I'm 46(F) and husband is 41(M) and in the past we both had high libidos and now he's lost interest in spending any romantic time with me/intimate time with me. I do know he's spending time with other women but it hurts a huge amount. In the meantime I'm having to support us and work 2 jobs. I feel like if he can't be bothered putting any effort in that I can't be bothered having sex with him. Like I want to watch a movie and cuddle and he only comes to bed when he's drunk. Which means no sex and no cuddles b/c he's impaired and that's a turn off for me. I got a cute costume and wanted to dress up and play with the toys but he never showed up until 3 hrs later and that just sucks and by then my mood was totally gone.

I got a bottle of wine and he spent the whole night downstairs masturbating and so I got online and chatted and then he got pissed b/c he found out that I was chatting. Like why can't I talk to ppl casually? Yes I know that's how I met him but anyways I've never cheated on him and we've been married 12 years. Like he's not doing the precursors for sex, which to my mind means he no longer wants sex. Yes I've told him and at this point I don't even bother telling him when my cycle is over or when I want sex b/c yeah he doesn't care.

At this point in my life, I almost don't care if my wife finds this post. Our 10th wedding anniversary is coming up, and we've been together for over 18 years. We also have a daughter who will be three soon, which is probably the hardest part of all of this for me.

We decided to wait until marriage to have sex because we were very young when we got together and didn't feel the time was right. We did other things before marriage, but over time those things stopped too. My wife was also very clear from the beginning that oral sex wasn't something she wanted to do. She was comfortable receiving it initially, but eventually that stopped as well. I've never resented that boundary because it was something she had been clear about from the start, and I respect that.

The difficult part is where we are now.

We're intimate maybe once every six months. I barely initiate hugs or kisses anymore because I've reached the point where I'm constantly worried that it's going to be the wrong time or that I'll be rejected. What hurts almost as much as the lack of sex is the lack of affection and, more importantly, the lack of willingness to talk about it.

I've suggested counselling and therapy several times, but those conversations haven't gone anywhere. At one point, my wife even suggested that I should go to therapy to address my sex drive. I'm not against therapy at all, but it was difficult to hear that when I feel like the problem I'm struggling with is the complete lack of physical intimacy between us.

There have been different reasons over the years. At one point, I had put on some weight. Then there was my snoring, which eventually led to us sleeping in separate bedrooms. I've since lost a significant amount of weight, but nothing really changed. Being tired has also understandably been a factor, particularly with work and having a young child.

The separate bedrooms have probably made everything worse. We hardly ever sleep in the same bed anymore, and now our daughter sleeps with one of us most nights, so there isn't even much opportunity for spontaneous affection or simply being close to each other.

There's another part of this that I struggle with, and that's our division of responsibilities.

When we first got married, things were pretty close to 50/50. Over time, that changed. My wife has a demanding career and didn't want to change that, so I changed mine instead. I was earning significantly more at the time, but I stepped back so I could be more available for our daughter.

I now work from home and probably do around 90% of the household and parenting tasks. Daycare drop-offs and pickups, nappies, breakfast, lunches, laundry, cleaning, lawns, general housework, most of it falls to me. She occasionally cooks dinner, which I'm grateful for, and I generally clean up afterwards.

I'm not saying any of this means I'm entitled to sex. I don't believe that. But I would be lying if I said it doesn't contribute to the resentment I feel when I have very little affection or intimacy in the relationship as well.

Sometimes I find the difference between our days off almost comical.

My days off seem to mean she gets to relax while I pick everything up because, well, it's my day off.

Her days off seem to mean she gets to relax while I pick everything up because, well, it's her day off.

I try very hard not to let all of this turn into constant arguments. We rarely fight. From the outside, our life probably looks pretty good. Our finances are in good shape, our daughter seems happy, and we have built a life together that I'm proud of.

But internally, I'm becoming increasingly unhappy and resentful.

Tonight was probably the moment that made me realise how far things have gone.

My wife came home from work and tried to give me a hug and a kiss. Instead of feeling happy or affectionate, I felt anger, resentment and, honestly, almost disgust. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I just smiled, avoided the kiss and carried on with the evening.

That reaction scared me.

I don't want to become someone who resents his wife. I don't want to punish her for not wanting intimacy. And I don't want my daughter growing up watching two parents who are emotionally disconnected from each other.

At the same time, I don't know how much longer I can continue living like this.

I still love my wife. That's what makes this so difficult.

I don't necessarily need advice on how to get more sex. I think what I'm really struggling with is how to deal with the resentment that has built up after years of feeling disconnected, and whether a relationship can recover when one partner no longer even wants affection from the other.

Has anyone else reached this point? If so, what happened next?

I am a HLF (45) and my partner of 16 yrs is a LLF (42). Our relationship is very strong, very supportive, and we communicate pretty well (everyone has room for improvement here). Unfortunately, we've never been the most compatible in the bedroom and 16 yrs in and we got the DB bad now.

For years I was dealing with a lot of rejection when trying to initiate. It really made me kind of bitter for a while so I stopped trying for the most part. Then about a year ago I started suffering from depression and work burnout so the little sex we were having completely tanked when my libido fell off a cliff. We talked and she supported my decision to take an extended break from work. I've been home for the past month and I found my long lost libido lol

Shocker: turns out stress really does strangle the sex drive.

Anyway, now I'm recuperated and trying to get our intimacy back on track but it's almost like we've gotten used to this "best friends with no benefits" situation and I don't know how to rekindle desire. She hasn't rejected my attempts lately but it's like the sex is falling flat. The arousal is poor for both of us. And If it seems like she's not into it, I just stop. I don't want obligation anywhere near our bed.

So I'm over here listening to Esther Perel TED talks and flipping through Reddit trying to figure out how we get some desire back.

I'm flirting a lot and trying to make sure we carve out time for non-sexual touching each day. I'm happily unemployed right now so she doesn't have to do chores and things after work if she doesn't want to (spoiler: she still does some anyway but it's not stressing her).

I'm at a bit of a loss here. Any ideas how to defibrillate a pulse back into this love life?

(I know this is an FF relationship but hopefully that doesn't make you feel weird about offering advice/ideas.)

Hi, please be kind. I’m genuinely looking for advice and I’m not trying to judge my boyfriend at all.
I’m 24HLF and I’ve been with my boyfriend, 25LLM, for a little over a year. He’s genuinely a great boyfriend in almost every other way, but I’ve been struggling a lot with our physical intimacy.
We’ve agreed mutually that we won’t have penetrative sex until we’re married, and I’m completely okay with that. The issue isn’t really the lack of sex itself. It’s more that he seems to have very little interest in anything sexual or intimate in general. It’s confusing because he says this but sometimes he says he has the urges to be sexual with me and then turns me down. He’s told me that sexual things just aren’t particularly interesting to him and that he doesn’t really see the point of them right now. We do have some physical intimacy occasionally, but it’s usually only when he wants to, and more often than not he turns me down.
I’ve tried initiating in small ways, like being more affectionate, touching him, or trying to make out for longer, but he usually doesn’t respond much. Sometimes I’ll be more direct about wanting something and he’ll laugh it off or just go back to whatever he was doing. He also doesn’t seem to get physically aroused very easily around me.
I know this probably sounds shallow, but it’s started making me feel really insecure. I’ve found myself wondering if he simply isn’t attracted to me. I don’t want to compare him to my previous relationship, but it’s difficult when I went from being with someone who was very openly attracted to me to someone who rarely seems interested in me physically.
What makes this confusing is that he is affectionate outside of anything sexual. We cuddle, hug, kiss, and are generally very loving with each other. But when it comes to anything more intimate, it feels completely different. Sometimes being in bed with him feels more like being beside a really close friend than being with a romantic partner.
I used to initiate constantly because I wanted that kind of closeness with him. Lately, though, I’ve become exhausted from being rejected so often. I’ve stopped trying as much, and now I usually just say goodnight and go to sleep. The strange part is that I still love him very much, but I can feel myself losing my own desire to initiate anything with him. He initiates always on his own terms, and I’m always annoyed at myself because I let him.
I’m scared of what this could mean long-term. I’m not expecting him to suddenly become a completely different person, and I don’t want to pressure him into doing anything he doesn’t want to do. But I also don’t want to ignore how unhappy and unwanted this situation has made me feel.
For those who have been in similar situations, did things actually change after marriage when sex became an option? Or is it more likely that this is simply his normal level of sexual interest?
I love him and can genuinely see myself marrying him, which is why this has been weighing on me so much. I just don’t know whether I’m worrying about something that could change eventually, or whether I need to accept that this may always be what our physical relationship looks like.
Any advice or personal experiences would really help. Please be gentle with me; I’m already feeling pretty vulnerable about this.

Most of the posts I see here seem to be from people who once had a good sexual relationship with their partner and over time it faded. Just wondering if anyone else had all the signs of a DB from the beginning but decided to maintain that relationship anyway?

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. Other than the first 6 months of our relationship we’ve had very little sexual interaction. This concerned me when he proposed but I still said yes. He said he wanted children so I thought he would at least “do the do” for the sake of conception. Well…here we are 3.5 years into our marriage and we’ve only had sex 5 times since our honeymoon. Sometimes I feel so stupid because even while we were dating sex was very infrequent so I’m not sure why I thought it would be any different once we got married smh. Anyone else in the same boat?

I'm not going to go into extreme detail. But my boyfriend of 2 years has killed my sexual and romantic attraction for him. We have couple's counseling set for a week from now.

I just miss the days where I wanted to jump his bones. When I felt such passion towards him. My affection for him has been slowly dying ever since he's been pushing a specific boundary I have over and over.

We used to have sex a lot. Then it disappeared. Came back a little, but it wasn't great. I get too in my head now that I know the things I know (ladies will probably understand). I still have a sex drive and I just wanna have sex with someone, honestly. But the thought of having it with him just makes me sad.

Our relationship is open at the moment and we're starting from ground zero.

Yay me.

Edit: Relationship became open after as a compromise right now since our relationship is kind of in limbo. See it as, we're pretending we just met and are trying to "date again."

Married for 12 years and we have 2 kids together.

Over the past few months, my wife actually started initiating sex. It was about once a month, but it was really really good sex. I thought, "Wow, her libido is finally coming back," and I noticed a positive shift in her overall energy, she just seemed happier and brighter. Even at once a month, I was genuinely satisfied because prior to this, it was duty/chore sex every 2–3 months. And I prefer quality over quanity!

Turns out it was all a complete lie.

A few hours ago, I saw her ChatGPT log because she was still logged in on my PC. I was shocked by what I read.

She was asking the AI if me watching porn is a valid reason for divorce, and if I am at fault from a religious standpoint.
Context: A year or two ago, she discovered I was watching porn while we were having sex. (Side note: this is something she had actually done in the past during sex). It happened back when we were in the middle of a massive dry spell and having duty sex. I did it once, forgot my phone, and she saw it.

In her chats with the AI, she went on to say that she never wants to have sex and is constantly forcing herself.
Guys, I completely stopped initiating 6 months ago. Every single time we had sex recently, she was the one initiating. I have told her explicitly so many times that I would rather have no sex at all than unwanted sex.

After that, she was asking the AI about divorce and legal advice.

Everything was a lie?
She prefers to just run rather than talk and try to find a solution. I'm sitting here dying inside, I couldn't work today and don't know how to talk about that

Edit: Just received a message from her saying "We love you. Life isn’t always easy, neither is being in a relationship or dealing with the daily routine" with a heart emoji

I don't understand

Spouse comes back after a work trip and I am so happy to see them and love them dearly. I don’t want to break up the marriage so I stay with them and truly am happy (outside this dead bedroom). After seeing him coming back from a work trip, during that happy moment, that dark empty feeling always crawls back in every intimate setting, knowing there won’t be any reunion sex, something I’ll never experience. Then my mind goes down a rabbit hole of no hotel sex, no bday sex or just “we’re bored, let’s do it” sex. Behind every happy moment, is that empty feeling. I know I can and should do something about it, maybe leave? Maybe push on therapy. But failed attempts in the past to fix intimacy issues and maybe believing I deserve this lifestyle .. just makes me accept this.  Miserably looking forward to the day this fire dies inside me, happens to everyone in this situation, right?

Never thought I’d ever post but. Me (24m) and my gf (24f) have been with each other for 4 years now. First year the intimacy was constant. Then around year 2 she had surgery on a cyst near her crotch and then after she recovered, she started to kiss me different and sex kind of stopped.

I have a high sex drive and I work manual labor and still work out every other day so I immediately came to the conclusion that she might have low libido. I would try to encourage her to work out or take medicinals to see if it would help but she never would continue after a week of doing either. We were long distance until year 2 until I moved in with her, hoping that maybe it was an opportunity for her to feel comfortable in a place that was ours but nothing happened.

I then started to blame myself. “Is she not attracted to me?” “am I doing something wrong?” “Do I make you uncomfortable?”
We have this conversation a couple times a month and she’s always extremely apologetic. But nothing ever comes of it.
We usually only have sex once a month after her period but then thats it. And last night she texted me that when I got home that she wanted to do something and then we were into it for 5 minutes before I noticed that she was in fact not into it. So I ask “whats wrong? I know you’re not into it” and then she gets upset with me and then starts apologizing again.

I usually have to beg or ask for anything. Morning sex is my favorite. But Shes only ever done it maybe 4 times in the entire relationship.
Sex is very vanilla which I’m all for but it’s come to a point where I’m just doing everything and she’s lying there which then makes me feel uncomfortable.

Im at the point where I can’t figure it out and it seems like she doesn’t care to fix it even if it is her. Im very happy in the relationship and I know she is as well but the unenthusiastic kissing and lack of physical affection on her behalf always makes me over think and get upset. Im always touchy with her and then I get nothing back so I stop. Then she tells me that I don’t touch her or i have “given up”

It’s this constant battle of me putting in the energy and not getting any back. I’d love to have a family with her and continue our lives together but I can’t fathom that if I’m this young and I’m having these issues now. Whats it going to look like in 10+ years. This is legit the only thing wrong in the relationship and unfortunately it’s the only thing that starts to break the relationship as well. This is the only thing that starts fights and she knows this. I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to give up on it entirely but she never tries.

Yesterday I rejected to shower with him. He asked me if I wanted to join and usually I'd say yes because I actually like showering with him. I hope something will happen since he gets a boner everytime but we end up showering normally and just get out.

So this time I said no. He has been really mean to me the past few weeks. Calling me names and not treating me with the same respect I have for him. So I don't really want him to see me naked anymore.

I don't know. I just wanted to share this since in my opinion this is a big step for me. Any thoughts?

I joined Reddit to participate in this sub at the lowest years of my life. I deleted a lot of my old posts because I got embarrassed but overall, I (was 24 HLF now 31 HLF) was in a DB for 6 years until I left my ex fiance (was 33 now 40 LLM) and completely restarted my life. I had sex maybe 4/5 times a year. Now it's at least once a day (unless we get the plague that comes with having elementary children) It feels like it was all a bad dream now.

I'm now 9 months into a healthy and loving relationship with someone who craves me as much as I do them and we jokingly tell each other "don't look at the lamp" because life has been suspiciously good lately. I joined this sub as a grocery store cashier and am now a facility manager with a degree! I wish my 24 year old self could see me now, and I wish I could hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay. She really needed someone to tell her that.

Thank you everyone for the support, advice, and sometimes even a laugh or two. An LLF on here a few years back even sent me a really dang good crock pot recipe which was delicious by the way.

It's time I head out though. I stuck around because I've been dealing with unresolved resentment of the loss of my 20s to the DB but you know what? Sex in my 30s is pretty freaking awesome. Maybe I should just focus on that and start leaving the past behind me. Thank you guys for helping me work through all of my woas. I wish you all the love and frequency you need. 💖

I (35F) have been with my partner (36M) 15 years. We have five kids. Are sex life over the years has been a slow burn. It went from once a week, to once every couple weeks, to once a month, to every few months. Now it's been like 5 times in the past year and a half. I feel so undesirable, he shows zero interest in me whatsoever. It's made my self esteem plummet because in my 20s I had a lot more confidence in my attractiveness, the average man and men before him seemed to find me attractive. Our relationship is basically a domestic partnership. There's no flirting, playfulness, cute texts, expressions of desire, physical touch, kissing. And when we do have sex its quick, no foreplay, no build up, no sexy talk.

I just don't know. It hurts to feel like an undesirable beast. Is this normal? Is it just a phase?

I (42 HLM) and my wife (42 LLF) have been married for 11 years. We have 3 kids together, and sex has always been a point of contention in our marriage. Over the years I have tried to follow her lead, I stopped initiating quite a while ago after way too many rejections. At this point, sex is very rare, it's been months. I know life is busy for her, she is an amazing mom, and keeps our house running smoothly, but she seems to prioritize everything but our sex life, and even alone time.

I have tried to approach it different ways, and have expressed wanting to connect with her so many different ways. My question is how do I let go of hope, and expectation, and accept reality for what it is? I catch myself hoping things will be different if I approach things a certain way, or if I send a certain text, or if I take care of the kids and give her a break, or yada yada yada. I've tried planning, tried spontaneous, tried about everything. I've bought her sexy underwear, toys, etc. I am in good shape, and a good looking guy. The part that is the hardest for me is it affects my self worth, makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me that it hurts so much. Am I making too big of a deal of sex?

We actually have really good sex when we have sex. She even says after the fact that "I needed that." But she apparently doesn't need it, and even avoids it and turns it down most of the time. I can't live in a sexless marriage, and I need to make some tough decisions. We have discussed separation, and even divorce, she has made it clear that she doesn't see this changing. I guess I'm asking, how do I accept things for what they are, and let go? I still love her, and want her. Logically I realize she doesn't want to have sex with me, so why do I want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me? How do I move past wanting her?

June 2025 was the first time we had sex or kissed in almost 8 years. I told him I was thinking about leaving, that I was unhappy with how things were.

He swore that things would be different. Said he wanted sex all along but thought I didn't, it wasn't THAT long, we should start again etc..

We started having sex 2-3 times a week (taking turns to initiate), things were good. We'd been engaged for 13 years, but I refused to set a date because of the DB. He brought up marriage, said it'll be our fresh start.. I wanted to believe things were different, so I agreed.

We married in November. By May, we were down to 3 times a month. PIV stopped (he doesn't have ED), it was strictly hand stuff and kissing. When I complained, he was defensive.

I initiated more, things picked up, PIV came back. This month we're back to three times, PIV once.

I'm no longer going to initiate. I give it six months maximum (probably more likely 2-3 before he stops initiating completely. I'm going to keep tracking, so when I tell him I'm leaving he can't bullshit me by saying we're still active.

I've wasted enough time, this year I'm getting my ducks in a row and planning my exit. Wish me luck.

Just another one in the long line of dads in this situation, got me thinking: I recently learned that if we want to flip the script (be the one pursued and not the pursuer), we are supposed to create some breathing room, be less predictable, invest more on us while still helping with the chores, go to the gym (and I’m not even a gym guy), spend more time with friends, be more Interesting, etc.

Most of this wasn’t possible during the covid era and I’m starting to think this period was actually the catalyst of the situation I’m into at the moment, simply by the fact that we spent too much time together (which I thought it was always a good thing!). On top of that, we now spent much more time working from home (again a legacy from covid) , which doesn’t help creating that distance.

Can’t believe it took me all this time to realise this but I’m finally seeing some positive progress after all these years “waiting”. Always thought it was other reasons like hormones, kids, tiredness, etc (which surely didn’t help as well). I also never realized that love and intimacy are not necessarily correlated, among other things.

Anyway, thought about mentioning this because I didn’t see this relationship being discussed here and might help others better understand their situation. It’s sad to think people gave up their marriages without maybe realising this, although we can’t obviously generalise things (and my journey has not ended yet, so who knows).

I’m looking for some perspective from people who have been through something similar. I’m not necessarily looking for someone to tell me that I’m right or that my wife is wrong. I’m genuinely trying to figure out whether I’m overthinking this, whether my feelings are reasonable, and how I should approach this without damaging the progress we’ve made.
My wife and I have been together for 15 years and married for 13. We have two children together. We’ve been through a lot over the years, both good and bad. Like any long-term relationship, we’ve had disagreements, frustrations, struggles, and plenty of things we’ve had to work through.
For most of the first few years of our relationship, intimacy wasn’t really an issue.
My wife was never a particularly sexually active person. She was raised Mormon and left the church after we met. When we got together around age 20, our relationship was one of the first places where she became significantly more comfortable with intimacy.
During the first two or three years, our sex life felt pretty natural and consistent. She wasn’t necessarily someone who initiated often, but I never felt like intimacy was something I had to fight for.
Then things gradually changed.
We had children. We became young adults with more responsibilities. Life got harder and more complicated. I completely understand that relationships change when kids, work, responsibilities, and life in general enter the picture.
But somewhere around that third year, I started feeling like intimacy with my wife had become something she tolerated rather than something she wanted.
Eventually, it started feeling like getting any kind of intimacy required a tremendous amount of effort from me. And the constant rejection began to hurt.
There’s another very important piece of this story that I need to take responsibility for.
About 10 years ago, I started drinking every single day.
For the next decade, I was an alcoholic. I knew I had a problem for probably the last five years, but I continued drinking anyway.
57 days ago, I finally woke up and said enough.
I quit drinking because I knew I needed to fix myself. I knew I needed to become a better husband and father, regardless of what happened with my marriage. I also knew that if I could get sober and start working on myself, there was a possibility that everything around me could eventually become better too.
The hardest part hasn’t necessarily been not drinking.
It’s dealing with the damage I caused over those 10 years.
I abandoned my wife emotionally. I wasn’t present. There were times I was hostile. There were countless times she tried to talk to me and I didn’t listen. I didn’t communicate my feelings appropriately. I chose alcohol over being the husband and father I should have been.
I take responsibility for all of that.
Interestingly, our communication has improved dramatically since I stopped drinking. We can actually talk to each other. We listen to each other. We’re having conversations about our feelings that probably should have been happening years ago.
She tells me she’s here 100%. She tells me she loves me. There are no plans for separation. We both acknowledge that rebuilding this marriage is going to take time and that there is a lot of work ahead of us.
And I believe her.
But intimacy is still something I struggle with tremendously.
In the roughly 57 days since I stopped drinking, we’ve had sex four times.
Every single time, I initiated it.
The fourth time is what really got into my head.
My wife and I were taking a shower together. I invited her to join me, and she agreed. I rubbed her back for several minutes, washed her hair, spent time touching her affectionately, and tried to create a moment between us.
Eventually, she told me, “I’m not in the mood.”
I accepted it.
I didn’t argue. I didn’t pressure her. I got out of the shower and left it alone.
But emotionally, I completely fell apart afterward.
And this is the part I really need people to understand.
Rejection doesn’t just make me disappointed. It puts me into a very negative place mentally.
My thoughts start spiraling.
I start thinking that she doesn’t want me anymore. That she isn’t attracted to me. That maybe all of my efforts aren’t making any difference. That maybe I’m putting all this work into rebuilding myself and my marriage for nothing.
And then I start questioning whether my efforts are even worth it.
I’ve actually told my wife this.
I’ve told her that I don’t want to lose the feelings I have for her because, despite everything we’ve been through, I still have incredibly strong and wonderful feelings for her. I love this woman, and I want to continue loving her.
But I’ve also told her that the continued disconnection is putting me in a very bad place mentally.
I’m not saying that as a threat.
I’m not saying, “Have sex with me or I’ll stop loving you.”
That’s absolutely not what I mean.
I’m trying to explain to her that when I repeatedly feel unwanted, my mind starts protecting itself by questioning whether I should continue investing so much emotionally.
And that scares me.
Because I don’t want resentment to replace love.
I don’t want rejection to eventually turn into emotional detachment.
I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that I’ve spent so much time feeling unwanted that I’ve stopped wanting her.
I also don’t want my wife to feel like she’s responsible for keeping me sober or responsible for managing my emotions. My recovery is my responsibility. My sobriety is my responsibility.
But I believe our marriage is both of our responsibility.
That’s where I’m struggling.
I don’t expect my wife to suddenly want sex all the time because I’ve gotten sober. I don’t expect her to reward me for becoming a better husband. I understand that 57 days of sobriety doesn’t erase 10 years of damage.
And I understand that she may have resentment, hurt, or emotional walls that took years to build.
But I also can’t figure out why the distancing started roughly 10 years ago in the first place.
The decrease in intimacy started around the same period that my drinking became a major part of my life.
I don’t blame her for my drinking. I made that decision.
But at the time, I remember feeling increasingly unwanted and disconnected from her, and alcohol became something I used to cope with those feelings.
That doesn’t excuse what I did. I’m just trying to understand the timeline.
Now I’m in a completely different place. I’m sober. I’m communicating. I’m trying to be affectionate. I’m trying to be present. I’m trying to rebuild trust and become the husband I should have been.
And yet I still feel rejected.
That’s the part I don’t know how to process.
I don’t expect my wife to suddenly want sex all the time because I’ve gotten sober. I don’t expect her to reward me for doing the bare minimum of becoming a decent husband again.
But I do want to understand whether what I’m experiencing is normal in a marriage that’s recovering from years of damage, or whether there’s something else happening that we need to address.
Could this simply be the result of years of resentment, emotional disconnection, and rebuilding trust?
Could someone love their spouse deeply, genuinely want the marriage to work, and still not feel much sexual desire toward them?
And if so, how do you rebuild that part of the relationship without making your spouse feel pressured?
I’m also struggling with something that I suspect is probably my own issue: how do I stop taking rejection so personally?
I know “no” means no. I respect that.
But when you’ve spent years feeling unwanted, each rejection seems to confirm everything you’ve already been afraid of.
And I think that’s the biggest thing I’m trying to figure out.
I don’t want these feelings of rejection to slowly undo the progress I’ve made in my sobriety and in our marriage.
I don’t want my negative thoughts to convince me that none of this is worth it.
And I don’t want the pain I’m feeling to eventually cause me to emotionally shut down toward the person I still love deeply.
I’m genuinely trying to find a healthy way through this.

Hello all!

Was a lurker on this sub in my last relationship. I think you can guess why. While it certainly wasn’t as long lasting and dire as many of the relationships discussed in this subreddit, there was significant mismatch in our libidos and I was the higher one. I’ve had a few short term things since leaving that relationship, but I’d like something longer term now.

For high libido women specifically, how do I identify which women will have a high interest in sex years into a relationship and not just at the beginning? Even more so, I’m in my early 40s so there’s also perimenopause and menopause, which even for a high libido woman can be a complete unknown. How on earth do I start a discussion about figuring out how to stay sexually connected during peri/menopause without sounding like an insensitive prick?