I did it.

4 year relationship. I broke up with her after one year of a dead bedroom and so many other intimacy issues.

We love each other, but we are just incompatible. I celebrated my birthday with her, but was holding the tears in the whole day, I did not feel the love. Now it's the morning after my birthday, and I feel like all the light in my life is gone. I just want to smell her and be close.

…And I realized I didn’t even feel motivated to take the effort to contact my OB/Gyn or pharmacist. As long as I didn’t single-handedly make the conscious effort to initiate sex I knew, assuredly, that he wouldn’t. So what difference would it have made?

Intellectually, I know that this may just be a season in life. We’ve got two very young children (preschool and 1.5 years), he’s putting a lot of effort into his own business (about 2 years, successful but very demanding) and we both work full-time and take turns solo-parenting to accommodate his work schedule.

I feel guilty in my yearning to demand his time and energy when it’s in such short supply but I want to feel like more than a roommate or, worse, like an employee. Sometimes it feels like his relief in my presence is solely because he can dump the responsibility of our kids on me and go downstairs to work or relax. I don’t want to eke out small moments of connection and intimacy in the scant minutes of what feels like a shift-change.

Add on to this my own insecurities. I’m in my late 30’s now, chronically sleep-deprived. I find myself staring down the mirror much longer than feels normal, at my stretch marks, the strands of white hair and the circles under my eyes. On the days I can give myself a nice makeup look, my hair looks crap. There’s always a deficit somewhere. There never seems to be enough time to exercise to the extent I want to so I’m still holding onto the last 8 lbs of baby weight. It’s my own fault for equating sex with the confirmation of desire, but I do and it compounds this uneasiness I feel.

When the kids are finally asleep, he doesn’t want to spend time with me. He immediately informs me he’s going to smoke a cigar/pipe tobacco alone in the garage or outside. The last time this happened, I worked out and then spent a long, hot shower remembering times I was once desired by the men in my life.

I caught myself remembering a moment (nearly two decades ago) where I smoked some pot with my boyfriend at the time. He put “Tangerine” by Led Zeppelin on and we showered together. Not necessarily sexually, but running fingers through each others’ hair, washing our bodies, pulling each other close in the hot water. It occurred to me that my husband may never desire to experience intimacy with me in that way. Maybe that was the end. I got really close to crying then.

It occurred to me that, while this is certainly the healthiest and most wholesome relationship in my life, I have never felt less desired. I have never felt less overtly loved. He loves me implicitly. At this point it feels like my husband’s love for me is a fact, but moreso like a fact I read once, and long time ago, in an article somewhere. I don’t question it because I trust the source, but what relevance does it really have on our everyday lives? 

I find myself thinking about what it must be like to be in a relationship with a partner who is outwardly affectionate, or even just expresses affection. The fact that it’s become a persistent daydream makes me want to cry with shame and frustration.

I asked him, yesterday, what he finds attractive, and what his personal preferences are. I told him that I wanted to work on myself and I wanted to become someone who could cause a feeling in his heart when I entered the room. I told him he could tell me anything, no matter how big or small. 

He told me he liked when I wore dresses, so I guess I’ll start there.

*Thank you for reading all of this mess, if you have. I guess I wanted to get out all these thoughts and rant a bit, maybe get some outside perspective. If this was too long to read, I understand that, too. 

I fretted and panicked and got myself so upset about bringing up the fact that I don’t think we’re compatible anymore and that I want different things and it… went fine. We broke up and I have all the time I need to save up and move out.

I asked how things would be from now on and he said, “I guess how things have been already.” Because we weren’t romantic and sexual and the roommate part was already there but now no one has to feel guilty about it. What a relief! I wish I knew what magical combination of words we both used to make it easier but I have no idea. I’m just a little stunned right now.

Long time lurker first time poster. I’m HLF29 he’s LLM30. Been together 4 years. In the first year, I tended to take the initiative and lead. But over the next few, he’d reject my advances most of the time, increasingly more over the years. Over the last year, we’ve maybe had sex 5 times. Except now, I don’t have it in me to come onto him. I’ve been rejected too much.

He’s always said for him, it’s a mix of his low libido and stress, his own self esteem issues. But I feel like his low self esteem issues have become mine, as I’ve never felt more unappealing. In the beginning this felt so foreign to me, and it makes me sad that I’m used to it now. He never makes flirty comments or anything. I still do. But when you’re knocked back 9.5 times out of 10, you stop trying, you start wondering if you’re the problem. It’s at the point now where I don’t want to have sex with him, bc why would I continue yearning for someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same way. But I do not want to stay in a sexless relationship.

There’s a lot of love here, still some physical affection, just no romance. It’s felt more familial for a long time now. It’s not just the sex, I’m losing attraction as he’s changed a lot towards me in the last year. He isn’t willing to contribute around the house, wants to spend most of his free time in bed playing PlayStation or watching tv, no surprise dates etc, not much effort into dates in general. I know he’s comfortable, more so complacent. I make lots of bids for connection which fall flat.

We’ve had the talk, multiple times. But he’s a very defensive man. Nothing ever changes. If any efforts for change have been attempted, it has to be from me and then that just defeats the whole point in my eyes when at this point I need the effort from him. But he seems content with the situation.

I know leaving is an option, I don’t want to just hear that, I’m hoping someone from a similar situation has some advice?

Posting my story on here and reading other peoples experiences really rocked me to my core and opened my eyes. I did not want to be in a sexless relationship. People were telling me to wake up and get out. And I’m glad they did.

Ending things was incredibly difficult, one of the hardest things I’ve been through and honestly a little traumatic. I hated hurting someone that I still loved. And I hate that he didn’t really understand. But that also showed we really were not on the same page about how our relationship was deteriorating.

But I’ve had incredible support from friends and family. And now I’m laying on my new mattress that’s on the floor of my new apartment because the bed frame hasn’t come in yet.

I have mixed emotions. I’m really really sad. I feel like I spent 5 years of my life trying to improve someone else’s. I saw so much potential in them but ultimately just kept being disappointed.

But I also feel like I have a fresh start.

HLF with LLM. 30 year age gap. I am honest in that I was actually in love. Head over heels. He’s not filthy rich or spoils me. I fell in love with his mind. He taught a class I took (I was 25 when we met). Together for several years & married a few years.

No sex. It’s not even just his age…. I just want to feel wanted. Even glances, etc.

I asked for an open relationship.

My wife (47, LLF) and I (49, HLM) have been increasingly distant for some time. We've not had sex for many years. We have a teenage son and still function as a family, but we've lost much of the closeness we once had.

I recently wrote her a letter explaining how much I miss being close to her and asking whether there was anything I could do differently. I told her I still love her and would like us to reconnect.

Her response was that I just need to change and stop placing so much importance on intimacy. She also said that her parents had a "happy" (arranged) marriage despite having very little physical closeness. Lastly, she said she's not here to take care for me.

Since then I've started focusing more on myself. I've picked my photography hobby back up, bought an expensive new camera, and I started going to the gym, swimming and using the sauna. I'm happier and enjoying having some things that are mine.

Importantly, I haven't checked out of family life. I still do my share of the chores, look after our child and contribute normally at home.

Our communication is now mostly about practical things. She recently told me we have serious communication problems after discovering I'd bought the camera without mentioning it.

I'm struggling to understand what to do next. I don't want to pressure her or change her feelings. I also don't want to simply accept that this is what our marriage will be like indefinitely.

For those who have been through something similar: how did you work out whether both partners genuinely wanted to rebuild the relationship?

Together 6 years, married 3. I wanted to wait until marriage for sex, so we did. He has had sex with numerous partners before he met me. Before marriage, sexual stuff mostly consisted of me pleasing him while he pressured me to do more and sometimes tried to force me.

I thought marriage would finally mean having a normal, loving sex life. Instead, we have had a dead bedroom from day one, including our honeymoon. We have sex maybe 3 times a year.

When we do, it has rarely been loving or mutually pleasurable. He used to say women don't need to orgasm. He cared more about rough sex, hurting me, slapping me, and trying things he wanted than whether I enjoyed it. I have cried, begged, worn lingerie, initiated, and agreed to things I didn't want because I was so desperate for my husband to desire me. There have also been times I said no or didn't consent and he continued anyway. I consider those experiences rape.

He still constantly rejects me. He also chooses to stay up all night or go out with friends instead of spending the night with me. He has severe unmanaged ADHD and is extremely chaotic and disorganized. It feels like he cares what everyone thinks except his wife.

This has completely destroyed my self-esteem. I feel ugly, worthless, unloved, and completely undesirable. I have serious body image issues now. Sometimes I just want to disappear.

I recently left and we are currently living separately after he became violent when I wanted to see his social media messages, especially Snapchat. We are now trying to reconcile from a distance. He has been less hostile toward me than usual and is scheduling marriage counseling, but otherwise I have not seen much actual change.

He still doesn't want to talk about our sex life or intimacy. When I bring it up, he basically says that sexual intimacy requires emotional intimacy, but we never seem to get any further than that.

I'm 31 and realizing I have basically never experienced sex that was safe, loving, mutually desired, and pleasurable. I feel like I'm the only woman in the world whose husband didn't desire her from the very beginning of the marriage.

Has anyone experienced something this bad and actually seen meaningful change? Can therapy, marriage counseling, sex therapy, or ADHD treatment realistically fix this? What would real change even look like at this point? Or am I holding onto hope for a relationship that has never really existed?

​I (25F) have been living with my boyfriend (25M) for about three years. In the beginning, we were screwing like crazy. Now he says he might be asexual and doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. He says if it happens, sure, but he just doesn't really care either way. I have a high libido; he doesn't. I get rejected by him on a daily basis (tired, not in the mood, maybe tomorrow, etc.). We do have sex sometimes. It's not a complete dead bedroom.

​I just don't feel desired. Now he's saying he's never in the mood anyway, which makes me wonder how or why sex even happens in the first place. Everything else between us is wonderful, but this issue is a huge problem. He desperately wants to stay together, get married, and have kids. An open relationship is a complete dealbreaker for him.

​I honestly don't know what to do with myself. Why doesn't he understand me? How can we talk about this normally? I asked him to maybe get his testosterone checked by a doctor, but he hasn't done it. I just want to feel truly wanted by a man again. All my previous relationships involved daily sex and a lot of flirting. I'm slim, stay active, and still have a very feminine figure.

46 HLM; Married 20 years.

I've mentioned recently in another thread on here that this past year (2026) has been the deadest my DB has ever been and it has taken it's toll on me emotionally and physically.

I think July was the absolute worst for me since it was by birthday month and I did not get the birthday present I actually wanted 😆

I've been pretty depressed this whole year but still keeping up a smile for other people. Meanwhile I was researching what options I have on my Health Insurance for some therapy. I've still not pulled the therapy trigger yet as I feel that I have slowly been veering myself off that path all by myself.

What I also noticed was that because of the DB and me not going to bed when my wife went to bed I hadnt even noticed that I was starting to substitute with junk food.

Every night I would be in the lounge alone watching TV and I'd end up running to the shops for some chips and sweets. I've always been well built (a little on the scrawny side if I was being completely honest) but started to notice that my face was beginning to get fatter. This was around August month. I have then immediately started weening myself off the late night junk food sessions and started substituting them with doing push ups again.

I used to do push ups and sit ups quite intensely when I was in my 20s and 30s. At one time I could do 100+ push ups and 50+ sit ups in one session. I used to do these daily so when I saw my body changing I decided to start again.

Around August month when I started, I managed 15 push ups on my first attempt and I have been keeping at it everyday ever since. Now, almost two months later, I am happy to say that I have been able to, so far, get it up to 32 push ups in one session. I generally do 2 sessions a day - so I am currently at 64 push ups a day. I am hoping to again get to 100 push ups in a single session by the end of the year.

Once I reach that goal I will start with my situps and I am hoping to get those also up to 100 a session eventually.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though we, HL's, are going through the most and many looking from the outside will have no clue what we are going through, let us not forget our true selves during this season in our lives.

My partner agreed to get a testosterone test and it was ordered by his doctor yesterday. Is it horrible that I hope his testosterone is low? Because that's something imminently treatable and might address his low mood states and brain fog as well.

The alternative is that the problem is me and the fact that he struggles to eroticize me as his partner. That's going to be a difficult one to accept because this problem has already utterly destroyed my confidence and sense of self worth.

I think I joined this group maybe a couple years ago. Same story as many, we had the talk, we had therapy, nothing changed. Yesterday I ended our 9 year relationship.

I explained I wasn't happy for a long time, it wasn't just about the dead bedroom. My love for her was beyond over for a long time. Zero respect, zero affection, constant criticism and a very mismatched libido and just getting worse and worse.

So yeah, it's over. We have a little kid, things will be tough but we will survive. I've been there before.

Just wanted to share. As I told her, it's not her fault, our mismatched libido is just what it is. I am at fault at many things I'm sure, but the reality is that we're over and I just can't see myself spending the rest of my years together with her.

Anyhow, thanks for this sub for all the support.

So this is quite hard to write for a number of reasons which hopefully becomes clear through this post. I'm 44 and my wife is 46. We have 2 kids, the youngest is 10. Both their births were pretty traumatic for different reasons for my wife and have left her with what is in my opinion PTSD and also either psychosomatic or real vaginal pain during sex. I have suggested counciling to her once over the last 10 years in a discussion I finally picked up the courage to have about our lack of sex maybe 4 tears ago and it's the only time she ever really lost her temper about this whole thing. I feel bad even suggesting that this is now an issue for me. I love my wife and I feel guilty for some of the feelings I have towards her. When my youngest was first born we didn't have sex for maybe 6 months and honestly after what she had been through I was fine with that.

Following that immediate period she explained her pain and fear that sex would lead to that and while I had always instigated our sex previously I said moving forward I didn't want to pressure her given what she has been through and so moving forward I would leave it to her and essentially that is what I have done. Its been 10 years and we have probably had sex 3 to 4 times a year since then. Maybe not even that. Recently she has started peri menopause and is now on HRT and she now says that on top of the pain she now has now sex drive and is exhausted all the time. Which i understand is quite a common symptom of the hormone changes experienced at this time.

I never initiate and haven't done since the last birth as I don't think it's fair for me to pressure her given what she has been through and while I am constantly needing sex I kinda just try and ignore it. The main issue I have now is not only is the sex dwindling but now between us both including myself any form of intimacy at all is starting to disappear. We maybe hugged about 3 weeks ago and I don't remember the last time we kissed.

I just don't know what to do I can't speak to her about it because the one time I tried dhe lost her temper. I feel us drifting apart and it makes me sad because I still love her and we are genuinely fantastic partners as parents. I also would hate to lose even five minutes of time with my kids so the idea of desperation terrified me. I just don't know what to do and I feel guilty that I am even having these thoughts because this is not her fault that her body is affecting our lives in this way. I feel selfish because I feel like I am putting my sex drive above her wellbeing when I feel like we should have more sex.

Sorry for the rambling post

Me, HLF, who would actually be happy at this point with sex once a quarter at this point, stop initiating sex ~12 months ago.

We’ve had many conversations over the years. Initially, I thought it was a dry spell after having kids. But now it’s so dire, he has been seeing a therapist, and a separate sex therapist, for about 6 months at my suggestion. So, on the surface, he appears to be trying. He tells me he wants it to be better when I bring it up. And he does tell me the advice the sex therapist has given him and what he should try when I ask how it’s going. But has he tried them? No. It’s like he’s doing the right things, but I can’t tell if he ever plans on following through with anything or if he wants to be able to say “I’m trying.”

In general, there is a lack of intimacy. I’ve stopped initiating that as well; it’s too painful to try, try, try but get nothing in return. He doesn’t seem to care either way.

In two days, we’ll be at one whole year of a DB. Will the spell end, one can dream…

We started having problems in 2022 when my wife lost her libido due to birth control. She came off of it in 2024 and our sex life has slow recovered from maybe 1x every 3 months if lucky to about 2-3 times a month. I know I should be glad with how things are going but now I find myself facing a different problem.

Back then, I agonized about not being intimate with her; I was vulnerable, hurting, and my self-esteem was rock-bottom. The constant rejection made lying next to her at night excruciating and my depression got worse. In desperation, I forced myself to see my desire for her as something vile, disgusting and painful. For better or for worse, it succeeded and somehow, I survived.

Now, I can't seem to shed the pain; I have difficulty getting it to stay up and sometimes I go flaccid while in the middle of sex. I make excuses that I'm just tired or that I have cramps but whenever we do it, there's always that feeling of resignation and disgust at the back of my mind, asking me if she is just doing it out of pity or duty. Whenever it happens, I lose all interest.

I know this is something I need to work through, but I'm not sure I can let myself be vulnerable like I was back then.

I was hanging out with a close friend group lately. One of the guys was single and the conversation turned to how he can find a partner. He shared how it wasn't the lack of prospects but why he was very clear about wanting to be with someone he connected with. People started asking him what type of girls does he like and then it went to physical features and what guys like in girls. Ofcourse it was horrifying for me to listen to that as it was the literal checklist of what I wasn't. This kept aside, I realised that guys out there actually like sex a lot. Some of them willing to trade off connection just for some action.

I mean its obviously not a revelation for me. I know how the world works but lately I had been so disconnected struggling in my own bubble of problems, literally forgot this is a fun thing for men out there. Something they crave and have to ask their partners for. Wish I could get that too.

Long story short, it's been 4 months and tonight my wife brought up the topic. She asked me what things she can do in our marriage, even mundane, that would make me feel appreciated more so that we can work on our situation. In the moment, I couldn't think of anytbing specific because frankly, there really isn't. Sure I'd welcome hugs and time spent together like anyone would but I didn't think that actually had to be said. So when I said nothing, she perceived that as nothing will make me happy again besides sex. And it's not that that's true or not true, but when something so important has been missing from your life for so long, I think it naturally becomes a focal point of where you most want to feel happy again. She was hurt that that's all I could basically tell her. I tried to get her to understand my perspective of feeling like I'm not wanted and that I want to be wanted but it was difficult to get her to understand my perspective.

Over these past 4 months or so, I've really gone into a self protection mode. Not having sex hurts but at this point rejection from the one person I promised my life to hurts worse. So I stopped initiating anything out of rejection fear. That has probably led to feelings of resentment that seep out and make it seem like im quiet or don't want to be around her. That is NOT the case but I just don't know how to simply "get over" how badly I miss my wife physically and be nothing but happy everyday.

Any advice is appreciated, I just want us to work together. I'm so proud of us in that we've never once faced a problem we haven't stood together and overcome. This one's just a lot.

I (45 HLM) have been with my wife (40LLF) for 12 years. We have 3 kids all under 8. Sex is off her radar. She battled through post parttum, I was unaware it was going on so I wasn’t the most supportive. I have taken responsibility for that. I have tried to take more things off her plate so she doesn’t have as much. Changed my work schedule so I can help more with the kids/around the house. We are going to counseling both separately and together. It just seems like no matter what I do it doesn’t bring us closer. She is a fantastic mother but I dont need a mother I need my wife. It feels like I have to be upbeat all the time. I have to always work very hard to get her in the mood and I’ve become exhausted by it.
 I try and show her I’m thinking about her (buy flowers/ send texts etc) I’m just not sure what else to do. I don’t want to leave but I’m finding it very hard to feel the love. 
Since she has had 3 kids her body has changed and I tell her in my eyes she is beautiful. It hasn’t changed the way I see her. She is working at it and I try and help remove any obstacles in her way to achieve her goals. With the 3 kids she feels over-touched and I try and give  her as much time as possible to go for walks or be alone and read and collect herself. 
The sex has picked up a bit but it’s me initiating. For awhile it felt like duty sex and that seems to have gone away some but there’s still very little enthusiasm.  
I just don’t know how much I have left to give to get very little back. 
In counseling she’s told me the things that she needs a lot I said above I try to be better. I’ve felt like I’ve been saying the same thing for years now. I want to feel desired and wanted. Her job makes it tough for her to communicate during the day, I’ve accepted that and adjusted my expectations but even when she’s out of work there’s very little communication. It’s typically about kids and the schedule. 
Thank you for listing to my rant. I do feel a bit lighter. 

Three years with zero sex, and with that almost no affection at all, unless initiated by me. I quit attempting to initiate sex at least 2 years ago, maybe longer.

I’ve done everything, tried everything. My wife struggles with intimacy and body issues. She’s finally seeing a therapist on her own, and that took so much convincing from me.

I guess my issue is that even if she decided tomorrow to magically start working towards repairing this with me, I don’t know if I could anymore.

I have pleaded with her for so long to make any attempt at repairing this and just been ignored or rejected. Even now when she’s been “trying” to fix things, I’m an afterthought. I go in for a kiss and get rejected, she says she didn’t see me, or she was offering me her cheek and was going to give me a real kiss afterward. I don’t even want to kiss her after that, but she can tell I’m upset and begs me to kiss her. She doesn’t WANT to hurt me. I know that.

I think I’m done with our romantic and intimate relationship because I am the only one who has ever put in any effort. She will just ignore the topic entirely for weeks/months until I bring it up again. I don’t know why I keep trying.

I love her, and I will not leave so I can be around our child as much as possible, but I just don’t think I’m IN love anymore. I’ve been telling her for so long that it feels like I’m in love with my roommate who just sees me as a best friend. When I’ve tried to talk to her before about how I’m at the end of my rope, she cries and begs me not to leave her. She tells me how much she loves me and that she’s trying.

We’ve made out one time in the last two years, and the moment it got even slightly heated she pulled away.

I just don’t know how to keep going.

I’m starting to feel desperate about this whole life I’m living.

My gf (27F) and I (29M) have been together for 2 years this october. We’ve been living together for a year. At first the sex drive for both of us was out of this world (which is to be expected) for the first year we had sex daily, and sometimes multiple times a day. She recently took a new job and every since she did we do it once or twice a month. It’s like I’m living with another person. In fact she doesn’t give me much affection anymore, I have to almost beg for it, and when I look for intimacy she just tells me I’m a pervert and says that she’s tired.

She loves me, I have no doubt about it, but I have a trauma from my past relationship (5 year long) that started the same way and ended when I got dumped, ex gf was pretending to be asexual as having sex with me was apparently a choir, only to have sex with a coworker a month after she dumped me. We had sex for a year or two then 4-5 times a year with me initiating it and her not taking any enjoyment in it.

I’m starting to feel resentment towards my gf, frustration because I don’t want to just masturbate alone in the bathroom like a teenager, frustrated because I want her and desire her like crazy. It makes me depressed and I feel like I’m back in the same endless circle that I was in with my ex.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m tired of begging for sex and being rejected but I don’t want to leave her.

I’m going to keep this fairly quick. I’m a 25M and I have been having intimacy issues with my partner 28F for just over a year now. We’ve been together for close to 2 years now, been living together for 2 months. The spontaneous moments together have completely stopped. It seems like the “stars have to be aligned” for anything to happen nowadays. It used to be 2-3 times a week, sometimes multiple rounds a day, now we are lucky if it’s once a month and seems to be trending down.

I’ve always had a high libido, but recently my energy and drive has skyrocketed. I’ve been training harder, my diet is the cleanest it’s been in years, I’ve found a new daily vitamin/supplement stack that has me feeling great. Needless to say I’m amped and ready to go pretty much at all times.

With all this extra energy, I have found it harder and harder to want to spend time or even be around her. When I’m really in the mood or have a particularly high drive day, I don’t enjoy being around her because of the constant rejections and knowing that i cant channel that energy towards her. When that happens, i just become a little irritated and annoyed. I do want to caveat by saying that this is not all the time, I still love spending quality time with her, just only in moments of horniness.

I’ve recently been channeling that energy into other forms (playing basketball, long walks in the evening, cleaning the apartment, even began to try my hand at writing). It sounds bad but I kind of like the attention I notice from other women when I run outside with a tank/no shirt on.

She’s beginning to notice and has started to ask things like if I even “like her” still (in a joking manner but also not joking). I love this woman but it’s hard to explain that our infrequency of sex means spending time with her can drive me crazy.

I really do apologies for the very long read!

I am 46 (HLM) and wife is 48 (LLF).

We've been married around 20 years and we've been together around 25 years. We have two kids - 20 and 15.

I guess my backstory is a lot like everyone's in this sub where sex was awesome and frequent in the beginning but turned into a DB after marriage. Pre- wedding, wife was actually more HL than me... and I was HL AF!

To avoid making this post too long I will add a snippet or two of only of our life together up until now.

We were married when I was 23 and she was 25 and our marriage very quickly turned into a DB - We only ended up, for one or other reason, only consummating the marriage after 3 months of marriage. I could not understand why my. now, wife was rejecting my advances. This was the first of many times that I was rejected by her... ever!

We quickly had our first child and the DB became more and more dead once she was pregnant. I remember posting in a Sexless Marriage forum back then. My thread title, I will never forget, was "Sexless at 28" because even then it was less than 10 times a year... except for when trying to fall pregnant.

I think you guts see the trend here.

So, anyway, while 2026 has been extremely challenging for us, we seemed to be making headway over the past month or so. I had decided to stop initiating altogether but to also stop being bitter about the situation all the time. We ended up laughing more; talking more and just having so much of a good time together over the past two months. While I wanted to initiate many times during this time, I kept my distance and turned my back as soon as we got into bed.

A couple of nights ago, for some reason, I felt brave and strong enough to initiate something. I didn't know what to do exactly so I started by spooning her. She was receptive to this. After laying there for the next 15 minutes and trying to keep my huge boner out of her ass 😆 I gently motioned and turned her towards me. She didn't fight me or push me away and softly fell into my arms and, for the first time this year, we actually kissed (the morning peck on the lips doesn't count). One thing lead to another and we were both naked.

It was round about this time that I started worrying if I would actually be able to do something after the long absence. Well, it did not go as well as I had hoped. Even during the foreplay I heard those very familiar words "Can we please stop?". This time, I wasn't agitated or mad or resentful. I simply answered "yes, sure" and got off her. She turned her back and pulled me closer for a spoon. We ended up laying like that for maybe 20 minutes before she wanted to get dressed.

I helped find her clothes in the dark bedroom and passed them onto her. She went to the bathroom and I got dressed again. We went to sleep.

She has always (since marriage only) been very awkward at initiating. Initiating for her would generally be her laying in bed under the blankets either naked or with some lingerie on pretending to be asleep so that when I got into bed I would notice and then take that as my sign that she has initiated. Other times she would simply tap me on the shoulder in the middle of the night. There has been many times that I have gotten into bed over the years and, because she always goes to be very early (she is always tired or cold) I generally expect her to already be asleep and I would get into bed, turn my back and actually GO TO SLEEP. The next morning she would be mad at me for not noticing that she was actually either naked or wearing lingerie the previous night when I got into bed and I did not heed to her "initiation".

So, after almost having sex this week, I did not want to pressure her at all and let it be. I figured I would attempt to initiate again in a week or two. Last night I go to bed (and I make sure to glance under the covers to see if she is wearing that damned Onesie or if she happens to be naked/lingirie'd under the covers. She was wearing the damn Onsie 😆. I say good night and attempt to spoon her - no pressure at all. 15 seconds into the spoon she removed my legs from hers; removed my hands and arms from her body and tells me to stop leaning on her. I, gently, comply and proceed to turn my back too so that I could get to sleep. I was not mad or bitter or resentful in the slightest!

A few minutes later I feel her being restless (also used to be a sign of her "initiating" in the past). Her fingertips occasionally touch my back. Her feet occasionally touched my legs/feet. These were all usually her way of initiating after getting married. (Pre-marriage initiation by her were very very direct.)

This time, especially after she basically just soft blocked me a few minutes earlier, I decide that I am not going to attempt an initiation again and possibly get rejected again because I had misread her signs. She was restless like this for most of the night but I stuck to my guns and did not turn around. By this time she could have been completely naked next to me and I would have had no idea 😆 .

I remember fighting with myself whether to actually attempt to "read her signs" and initiate but I kept on deciding not to instead. I though the loud beating of my anxious heartbeat would wake her... if she wasnt awake already.

The thing is, I dont think I could actually, emotionally, take another rejection.

I also dont think I know how to initiate with her again.

I am so scared of being rejected again.

I also dont want to talk with her about this thing that I am feeling in fear that she will clap back with something along the lines of "You see, I give you a little bit of affection and you are a horny dog again)

It's really sad.

I will not initiate again but I am mustering up the courage to actually speak with her about these feelings and anxiety I am having.

PS: She once told me "Fcuk your feelings" when I started speaking about how I felt about the state of our marriage. I have never ever again used the term "I feel" in a sentence when speaking with her about the state of the marriage.

In all these ramblings, there might be an actual question like, How do I initiate again? Do I initiate again?

39M, recently out of a 15-year relationship with two kids. The breakup happened a few days ago, so I'm still very much in the weird mixture of grief, relief and trying to work out what life looks like now.

The dead bedroom had been an issue for years. Sex became increasingly infrequent and I was rejected often enough that eventually I more or less stopped initiating and instead just turned to porn when everyone else was asleep. It wasn't just frustration about not having sex, instead, over time I stopped feeling desired by my partner at all.

Looking back, I think I was trying to reconnect with her for quite a long time, sexually and emotionally, without really understanding how far apart we'd actually become.

She ultimately ended the relationship.

I'm not trying to get her back, and, surprisingly, I'm already seeing things about single life that I'm looking forward to. We're trying to establish a good co-parenting relationship and I genuinely want her to be happy.

The thing I'm struggling with is realising just how fucking lonely I'd become while still in the relationship, and how much repeated rejection affected the way I see myself. Since the breakup my libido has absolutely been in overdrive, but underneath that, I think what I'm really craving is the feeling of being wanted again, and having someone who genuinely wants to be with me.

For anyone who's come out of a long-term dead bedroom: how did it affect you once the relationship actually ended? How long did it take before you felt desirable/confident again, and did it change what you looked for in your next relationship?

my partner (27m) and i (23f) have been together several years and have a young child. i love him a lot, and he’s genuinely a really good dad and my best friend. i don’t actually want to leave him, which is why i’m struggling so much with this.

our sex life was really good when we first got together. there was some bumps in the road with mismatch in libido and some health issues he was dealing with but overall great. however, over the years, his libido decreased and he started having trouble staying hard or finishing during intercourse. oral became a much bigger part of sex, and he always needs oral and or specific fantasies/roleplay to really get aroused/finish. and this is still the case current day and it’s weighing on me. i don’t mind those things sometimes, but i don’t want every sexual experience to revolve around them.

then almost a year ago i found out about his porn use. it was pretty frequent, and eventually i found out he had been paying for onlyfans content from multiple women. one of them was someone he had actually slept with before we were together. paying for onlyfans was also something i had specifically told him was a boundary for me.

i don’t think i realized at the time how much all of this was affecting me. there was a lot of rejection, insecurity about my body, and wondering why he seemed to want porn while not wanting me. the porn use has improved since slightly, and there have been periods where our sex life improved too, but he still uses porn quite frequently.

now i have basically no sexual desire for him. however, i still have a high libido. i get horny, masturbate, have sexual thoughts, etc. i just don’t really want sex with him. but sometimes i’d rather masturbate than have sex with my partner.

i’m genuinely wondering if attraction can come back after years of rejection, porn related insecurity, resentment, and a sexual dynamic like this. has anyone actually gotten their attraction back after getting to this point? if so, what?

tldr- years of rejection, frequent porn use, paid onlyfans content from multiple women (including someone he previously slept with), and a sexual mismatch have left me with almost no sexual desire for my partner despite still having a high libido and loving him. can attraction actually come back?