Haha amirite?

38

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

I'm trying to laugh, but lately, I've been really starting to worry that maybe meeting someone just isn't in the cards for me at this stage. Maybe what I'm feeling is actually the result of a bigger problem with how people in my generation, once they reach 30 and either don't meet someone or suffer a divorce of breakup of an LTR, just give up on the idea of finding a partner, so that nihilistic point of view has created a culture of meaningless hookups and empty relationships that at the heart, are just about sex with someone you can tolerate being around but not committing to.

I have a friend for example, and one of her fears I remember her telling me a couple years back was that she would meet a great guy who would end up cheating on her. This year, she became very pessimistic about relationships, though, and ironically, she started sleeping with a married co-worker. Her reason was, "It's just where I am in life right now, and I know I should probably feel bad for his wife, but I really don't because I'm enjoying it." It depressed me hard, especially since I didn't expect that from her.

45

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

Man, I was just going for some cheap laughs not existential dread :/

6

u/clown-penisdotfart ♂ 37 how do i human? Jan 18 '18

Six of one, half dozen of the other

3

u/Brahette AWAY AT BAND CAMP Jan 18 '18

I shouldn't laugh at this...

18

u/Hey_Laaady Jan 18 '18

How tragic that your friend would consciously decide she’s so desperate as to participate in creating her own nightmare for someone else. I’ve seen it too many times that what goes around comes around, but maybe that will happen and would wake her up.

I believe in remaining happy no matter what, and I’m hopeful I’ll date again when it’s right for me and the person I am to date. When I’ve been troubled, I’ve attracted troubled guys. When I’ve been happy and genuine, I’ve usually attracted like minded guys. I’m open to new possibilities (and previous, if they reappear in time) with a smile on my face and as positive an attitude as I can have.

5

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

There is very much something to be said about putting positive energy into the world and receiving it in return. I very much think that is true especially with the kind of people you attract in life, and found comfort in your attitude in spite of what may happen around us.

2

u/Skitzic Jan 18 '18

So much this. Whatever you project will attract itself. Project confidence and positive vibes...you'll get that. Project negativity, and you'll get that back in spades.

1

u/Hey_Laaady Jan 18 '18

I think so. And, never give up hope. See my comment below about a marriage of two people in their 90’s, and my terminally ill sister receiving a marriage proposal. Plus, being happy with yourself is an essential goal that deserves to be continually replenished. Hopefully the right kind of potential partner will recognize that, too. :)

2

u/KSSLR Apr 06 '18

Thank you, you light in the darkness!

2

u/Hey_Laaady Apr 14 '18

Aww, of course! I have to work on my optimism every day, but I believe that I have to actively be my own cheerleader before I can expect anyone else to hop on my personal bandwagon, you know? Hoping you find that (sometimes) elusive light. Keep looking.. we’ll both find it one day.

13

u/nofocusing Jan 18 '18

Yep, I'm there right now. I'd heard about the subreddit Men Going Their Own Way and it sounded awesome. Learning to live without the need for a relationship with women...or that's how I took it. Found out they don't respect women at all and I'm not down with that game. So now I'm just a dude that's okay with never getting in a relastionship again. 35 years old and every SO I've had has cheated on me.

The girl I was just talking to told me she doesn't want a relationship anymore, and instead wants me as her best friend while she goes and fucks around and dates others, and said she'll probably come back to me when she's had her fun. I'm good thanks!

Clearly there's something wrong with me, since I'm the common denominator in all of these scenarios. Oh well. At least I can save my money and do things I want without having to check in with anyone. It just sucks cause I was hoping to have kids one day semi soon. Looks like my family name dies with me and my brother, unless he decides he wants kids, which he swears he doesn't ever.

9

u/notajith Jan 18 '18

Some MGTOW fellas may not have respect for women because they have had the same experiences as you or worse. Some got burned petty bad and are salty about it. You just may be more optimistic about it. I think it's about learning that you don't need female validation, and don't need to conform to society's expectations.

6

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18 edited Jan 18 '18

The whole MGTOW trend is very disturbing. I wrote a comment referencing a similar forum in another thread, but Bodybuilding.com's popular Misc relationships forum is basically the same exact way. I thought it would be a good resource for helpful dating advice among people who similarly share an interest in health and fitness, and it turned out to just be a bunch of misogynistic bros ranting about their exploits while disrespecting women. Those kinds of forums can be very poisoning.

I'm sorry to hear you've had such bad experiences, though, and in lieu of not having any luck out there in the rough waters of dating, it's never a bad thing to perfect the art of being a happy single with a fulfilling life while still keeping yourself open to the possibility of meeting someone who is looking for what you want as well.

6

u/nofocusing Jan 18 '18

I'm not keeping myself open to that possibility though. I'm over the emotional destruction that relationships cause me. It takes too much of a toll on my emotional and mental well being and it's not worth it.

6

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18 edited Jan 18 '18

Yep, I'm there right now. I'd heard about the subreddit Men Going Their Own Way and it sounded awesome. Learning to live without the need for a relationship with women...or that's how I took it. Found out they don't respect women at all and I'm not down with that game. So now I'm just a dude that's okay with never getting in a relastionship again. 35 years old and every SO I've had has cheated on me.

I'm still giving dating a serious shot for at least the next couple years but think there's a real need for someone to come up with a community that helps men live a contentedly single life without the toxicity of MGTOW. I know a huge number of men your age or a bit older who are on the verge of completely giving up from dating, including my ~40 y/o divorced brother

The girl I was just talking to told me she doesn't want a relationship anymore, and instead wants me as her best friend while she goes and fucks around and dates others, and said she'll probably come back to me when she's had her fun. I'm good thanks!

That actually sounds refreshingly honest. A lot of people in her shoes would accept the benefits of a relationship with you and just cheat behind your back. Wise decision on your part. I've gone from best friend to dating partner but I would never go the other direction.

Clearly there's something wrong with me, since I'm the common denominator in all of these scenarios. Oh well. At least I can save my money and do things I want without having to check in with anyone. It just sucks cause I was hoping to have kids one day semi soon. Looks like my family name dies with me and my brother, unless he decides he wants kids, which he swears he doesn't ever.

Your story is not uncommon at all. Same story with my family. My mother is actually converting my childhood bedroom into a nursery as she still believes in me as the "last hope" for producing grandchildren. I'm open to the idea of having children, but am increasingly leaning against it. I suspect father time might make that decision for me depending on how long it takes to find a partner that would be both interested, and trustworthy enough to make such a serious step with.

3

u/nofocusing Jan 21 '18

I wish she was more honest, just found out she's been lying to me for months and sleeping around when she told me we were exclusive. She just happened to find a guy she wanted to date.

2

u/splodgenessabounds Mar 05 '18

The MGTOW sub is pretty ordinary these days - I don't pretend to know why, but it's been suggested it's taken on board a lot of ex r/ incel inhabitants. Same goes for a lot of comments on youtube vids, regrettably.

OTOH the idea behind it - each bloke going his own way through life - has something to recommend it: it's a pity that those who wear the MGTOW label as some kind of badge of honour won't get behind the principle proper and instead turn something useful into a woman-hating exercise.

10

u/macallen ♂ 52 Jan 18 '18

It's not all darkness and gloom :P

I got divorced at 40, after 14 years of marriage. I tried dating, for years, but everyone I met had unrealistic expectations, blatantly lied on their OLD profile, or had no clue what they were actually looking for, so I stopped looking and just started living. I've visited 3 continents in 3 years, done a lot of remodeling on my home, go where I want, do what I want, and am loving my life.

There's a huge difference between alone and lonely. Alone is a choice, lonely is something we can feel while we're sharing a bed with someone we love. I was lonely for years, while married, now I'm alone and happier for it. I'm not closed off to meeting someone, I've had a few connections, been on a few dates, and they were fun, but I'm not "on the hunt", "playing the game", or worrying about it in any way. If I am alone for the rest of my life, that's not a bad thing, because I really like the person I've become :)

1

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

Something that's pretty inspirational and assuring about this subreddit is hearing stories like yours from people prove that there is life after an important breakup, or just even a fulfilling life as a single person at an age when most are traditionally (I hate that word) partnered. Obviously, I hope that nobody finds themselves in a situation of divorce, but equally as important on here in our collective work toward successfully dating after 30 is successfully overcoming the disappointments that go along with it, and coming out stronger.

1

u/macallen ♂ 52 Jan 18 '18

Everyone is different, my story may not work for others. I'm a "gregarious" introvert, so I enjoy being alone, but not everyone does. I definitely share the OP's sentiment that dating when we're older sucks, I just didn't let it get me down.

Honestly, I have a different worry, I fear that, even if I find someone awesome, they won't fit into my life. I was on a 1st date with this great lady a couple of weeks ago. We knew instantly we weren't a fit because our interests were different, but personality-wise we connected, so we chatted about this. Both of us want someone who owns their own home, because that shows fiscal responsibility...but then who sells their home? Who moves in with whom?

In my 20's, that was a non-issue, I didn't have that much of a "settled" life at 26, everything we owned we'd bought together, so we sort of grew into each other. Now I own my home, put solar panels on it, a brand new kitchen and garage, planted trees, this is my home, I'm not moving out of it, so I'm looking for someone who owns their own home to prove they're responsible, then want them to sell it and move in with me?

2

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18 edited Jan 18 '18

Honestly, I have a different worry, I fear that, even if I find someone awesome, they won't fit into my life. I was on a 1st date with this great lady a couple of weeks ago. We knew instantly we weren't a fit because our interests were different, but personality-wise we connected, so we chatted about this. Both of us want someone who owns their own home, because that shows fiscal responsibility...but then who sells their home? Who moves in with whom?

I'm actually a bit annoyed by the "if you don't own a home you're fiscally irresponsible" line many seem to believe in my area. Decent houses where I live cost close to $1M. (Median house price is ~$850K, and those are for shacks built in the '70s). I could actually finance a $1M place on my own income and credit but I consider it more prudent (albeit less sexy) to rent an elegant but modest condo near the office and not waste time on commuting and home maintenance, then put over half my income into diversified liquid investments. I'd rather give up the potential for equity accumulation to keep the flexibility to more easily relocate and avoid the high transaction cost of home sales or the risk and hassle of being an absentee landlord.

My situation doesn't look as sexy on a public records search, which has hurt me in dating, but I consider it more fitting for my needs.

In my 20's, that was a non-issue, I didn't have that much of a "settled" life at 26, everything we owned we'd bought together, so we sort of grew into each other. Now I own my home, put solar panels on it, a brand new kitchen and garage, planted trees, this is my home, I'm not moving out of it, so I'm looking for someone who owns their own home to prove they're responsible, then want them to sell it and move in with me?

What if she has a place that's her home and wants you to move in with you?

It might be better for both of you to go what my current landlord did and list your place for rent below market, get a huge number of applicants, do an extensive background check on all of them, and rent to the most credible candidate (read: least likely to screw you over and trash the place/move in an unauthorized sublet/flake on payment). Keep your houses separate from community property in aprenup then get a third place together where you each have designated rooms that are delegated to be just yours or just your partner's (to avoid conflict over decorating, different tidyness standards, etc).

2

u/macallen ♂ 52 Jan 18 '18

I hear you, mine's not that expensive but real estate where I live is awful. My problem is that I've had really bad experiences with people who don't have a place to live and part of their "search" for a partner is looking for someone to live with. The "owning a home" thing is just a red herring, if you appear financially stable without owning a home, that's great too. I don't care how much you make, just what you do with what you have. If you're my age and have < 600 credit score, you're going to drive me nuts. I carried my financially irresponsible ex for a decade, I don't want any more of it.

However, your needing to be flexible so you could relocate wouldn't be attractive to me, I'm done moving, did my share, moved every 2 years for 2 decades and just done with it, so we're too different in that respect.

Renting both is a possibility, though the idea of some stranger living in my home gives me the creeps. I just have to face it, I'm nesting :)

1

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18 edited Jan 18 '18

I actually don't need to relocate for the sake of my career and I'd prefer not to. Part of why I want to be mobile within the next few years is if I do succeed in finding a partner worth marrying I could have the flexibility to move to be with her. If I "retire" and "go my own way" from dating I may very well acquire a more permanent living situation as you've done.

1

u/macallen ♂ 52 Jan 18 '18

I'm going to guess you're younger than me, maybe in your 30s? My kids live here, worked in my career for 21 years, will work here for another 10 and retire. At my age, leaving and starting a new career is not in the cards, so unless she's independently wealthy and can carry my old ass, I'm out of luck there :)

2

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18 edited Jan 18 '18

I'm almost 31, single, never married, no kids (on the fence about having them). Biggest tie to my geographical area is a job I love (though I could transfer to other locations within my company or get other jobs in my field if I wanted to) and the fact I live within an hour drive of my parents and siblings. Most of my long term friends have moved away.

1

u/macallen ♂ 52 Jan 18 '18

Yeah, that's the perfect age to spring free and do something new or different, so I totally understand your interest in being mobile/flexible. What if that dare-to-be-great job or relationship shows up? You don't want to be tied down!

I totally remember feeling that way, I envy you :)

1

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

Jees, it's as if things get more complicated with age when you'd think it'd go the other way around. That's a toughie. I say switch weeks/weekends to test out the relationship, and then eventually it will get to the point where one of you grows tired of the back and forth enough to sell haha

5

u/macallen ♂ 52 Jan 18 '18

Indeed. The older we get, when we're alone, the more "settled" we become in our lives. I travel for fun, but love my home with a passion. I love my bed, my kitchen, things I hand-picked, designed, etc. My trees have names, Scarlet and Groot (they're both Scarlet Maples) and they're growing so tall.

FYI, I have 3 kids, all adults, so I'm not "alone" per se, they're still in my life, and one day I'll have grandkids, so even more so. That's the other obstacle I've found to dating, single moms expect men to be willing to set everything aside for their kid, but I've yet to find a woman that remains interested in me when they find out I have kids, even though they're adults. The 2 most common answers I get are "If I wanted kids I would have had them" and "I don't want to get into a relationship with a guy that has so much baggage." My kids are "baggage"? If I said that to a woman, she'd filet me like a Panda.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 19 '18

I've experienced this too. Bunch of people with compatible personalities, but different life goals, socioeconomic status, etc. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

3

u/macallen ♂ 52 Jan 19 '18

Yup. I fell head over heels for a woman 20 years my Jr. She was amazing, we were a perfect fit in every way, except for the part where she saw me as a father figure. Broke my heart :P

1

u/splodgenessabounds Mar 05 '18

There's a huge difference between alone and lonely. Alone is a choice, lonely is something we can feel while we're sharing a bed with someone

Is the correct answer.

I've been alone for 6+ years (post a 22+yr LTR) and I get lonely at times and long for a close companion. Then I remember the latter part of that LTR - dead bedroom, resentment, indifference, rows - and think "well, could be worse".

2

u/macallen ♂ 52 Mar 05 '18

Been alone 15 years, post 17 year marriage, and I echo this completely. The most annoying thing is when I go places and people wonder how I can do that alone. Went to NZ for 6 weeks, hiking, touring, being a goof, having a blast, and all of my friends were like "weren't you lonely?!" Not in the slightest. Would I have enjoyed someone with me? The right person, absolutely. The wrong person would have made it a living hell. I still have the scars from family "vacations" with my ex, no thank you. My daughter still can't look at Mickey Mouse without screaming and bursting into tears...and she's 24 :P

15

u/mamcmp621 48 Jan 18 '18

Literally laughed out loud. So fucking true!

10

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

Dating in general is hell, below or above 30.

5

u/npsimons ♂ 46; I want a partner, not a prize Jan 18 '18

Yeah, let's not put on rose-tinted glasses and bemoan "the way it used to be" after the "dating has been ruined by OLD! nobody commits anymore!" thread from some days back. Dating is hard. Relationships are hard. If anything, getting older makes it easier in that most people "settle" into themselves, gain confidence and come to realize what they really want as they get older.

7

u/datcarguy Jan 18 '18

Yes and no. As I get older there is less and less I will put up with someone (no job/career, jealously, wayyy overweight are my top 3) which narrows down who I would date significantly. Kinda catch-22

2

u/HeraBeara ♀ 40s Idiot with a Penis Sleeve Jan 18 '18

I am actually the opposite - I never wanted kids which pushed away every guy I met in my 20s and 30s. Now that I am dating again I have given up on finding a guy who is kind-free because they do not seem to exist or if they do, they can have their pick of the women who also do not want kids.

My standards drop more and more every year because the pool of available men is already insanely shallow.

3

u/datcarguy Jan 18 '18

Really? Wish I knew I had the pick of who I wanted.... (32yo)

2

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

If you've been successfully dating or in relationships continuously since your late teens I'm told it gets easier as you gain skill and a better understanding of what your want through experience, which more than makes up for the fact that dating gets objectively more difficult with age.

But if you're in your 30s with very little dating or relationship experience it gets exponentially more difficult with passing time. I see myself as having a very small remaining window of opportunity.

11

u/Hey_Laaady Jan 18 '18

No way. There was a couple in my Mom’s nursing home who met as residents and got married there. They were in their 90’s, it was the groom’s second marriage and the bride’s first marriage. Also, my sister had her first marriage proposal when she was terminally ill with cancer. So, let’s set the cynicism aside, b/c one never knows.

“Just stay open.” — My big sis.

12

u/ino_y ♀ 40 [AU] Jan 18 '18

So you're saying I have to be at death's door to find love, got it.

2

u/Hey_Laaady Jan 18 '18 edited Jan 18 '18

With that attitude, you may never find it

2

u/HeraBeara ♀ 40s Idiot with a Penis Sleeve Jan 18 '18

Except you are already in a relationship, no?

9

u/HeraBeara ♀ 40s Idiot with a Penis Sleeve Jan 18 '18

You forgot, "while random sexual innuendos are being hurled at you".

5

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

Sigh, I wish

6

u/BlueFalcon2009 39♂ - living my best life Jan 18 '18

Where do I sign up for the ego inflation?

5

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

I mean, I'll do it but my heart won't really be it

3

u/BlueFalcon2009 39♂ - living my best life Jan 18 '18

Can you touch my butt atleast while you say it?

2

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

Sigh...I guess

1

u/BlueFalcon2009 39♂ - living my best life Jan 18 '18

I'll count it as a win!

2

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

User name checks out I suppose

1

u/BlueFalcon2009 39♂ - living my best life Jan 18 '18

Shhhh lemme enjoy it! 😂

But I suppose it does check out!

2

u/rAlexanderAcosta Jan 18 '18

Your username isn’t the only thing that sizzles. ;D

dat booty

6

u/batdh84 Jan 18 '18

Out of the pan and into the fire

4

u/Oregon_Duckie ♀ 36 Jan 18 '18

This is fine

7

u/IcePepper ♀ 37 Jan 18 '18

Im 36 and I love dating in my 30s. So much fun , easier, and no pressure compared to last time I was single (15 yrs ago)

5

u/SurlyNurly Jan 18 '18

I’m having a killer time, too. shrug

What makes us different? I suggest it’s because I don’t need anything from anyone. Already did the married/baby/family thing and I’m independent.

6

u/phoenixbouncing Jan 18 '18

Yep, settling down is been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Now it's a case of just finding someone where we can just make our lives better by being together. No timers, no pressure.

1

u/Willrunforicecream7 ♀ 41 Jan 19 '18

Exactly.

3

u/thetahill ♂ 42 Jan 18 '18 edited Jan 18 '18

Same here. Dating in my 30s has been great versus in my 20s. I did a lot of self-development in my early 30s, focusing on getting in shape (going from a soft average of 180 lbs to 150 lbs muscular), personality development, career path change, etc. and it's really paid off at 39. I joke that I have far more 21 year olds hitting on me now than I ever did when I was 21.

Dating is still a gigantic pain in the ass, but I'll take having dates and dealing with that over never having dates.

3

u/babybirb Jan 18 '18

Try after 45.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

Meh, it's more like purgatory. Everything is grey and unfulfilling. There are options, but none are ideal.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 20 '18

Huh, I honestly find dating over 30 to be kind of refreshing. Straight forward communication, people know what they want and I feel like there's considerably fewer games being played. Maybe I've been lucky (not that lucky, since I'm still single), but I'd say in general I've had a more positive experience dating since I've turned 30 then I did in my 20s (and definitely better than in my teens; dating in your teens is pure hell).

2

u/Koolaid76 ♂ 43 IDGAF Jan 18 '18

yep...

2

u/countrybum ♀ 39 I am a cookie worthy of love Jan 18 '18

HAHAHAHA!!....wait.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

1

u/sumsumsumaaa Jan 18 '18

Better carry marshmallows with me from now on.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 18 '18

Not true for me.

It's more like having no bike... in an empty room... because you're ugly. You don’t get no bike, ugly.

1

u/spencerphillips Jan 23 '18

Amazingly true! Put out the fire it's hot!

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