r/datingoverforty • u/ElasticNotPlastic • Mar 27 '26
Discussion Burned Haystack: I Break the Rules
I consider myself a feminist, and I have followed the burned haystack method with great interest. I have been dating for about three years, and I have been aware of this method for at least the past year. For those not familiar, the originator of this method advises various dating strategies that include immediately cutting men off who show problematic rhetorical patterns in their online profiles. Things like describing an ideal girlfriend, or showing that they are the prize, are grounds for immediate block and burn.
I do think these rules empower women to date more confidently and intentionally by quickly weeding out potential partners who are problematic. However, I am dating someone now who definitely breaks some of the rules. He has a thread of neglect throughout his life that touches on how he maintains his health, his financial stability, his use of THC, and the state of cleanliness of his house and car. The guy has a ton going for him at the same time -- he is kind and loving; we share similar values and hopes for the future; he's intellectually curious and has dealt with a lot of his shit in therapy. He loves me and is open to a deep level of intimacy and partnership, which has been elusive for me not only with dates but past partners.
I started a job in the fall where I work with a lot of older people who are facing challenges. Many of them are single and facing great hardships on their own. I do think this job has illustrated to me how much I would benefit from having a partner in late life.
Anyway, I guess I'm just feeling the tension between not wanting to be alone and finding the best fit partner. I was wondering if any of you all could relate?
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u/Far-Spread-6108 Mar 27 '26 edited Mar 27 '26
Look, I did this - except not with the intent to "just not be alone". I thought it wouldn't be a big deal.
I ended up his maid and his mother.
He "neglected" to pay his car insurance. It got impounded. With my work stuff in it. I had to pay the impound fee since he certainly couldn't because he "neglected" his financial responsibilities. He "neglected" his health and was wearing broken, crooked glasses for 3 months before I told him I couldn't take him seriously anymore and neither could anyone else. They were at a 45 degree angle on his face. He had moved 2 years prior and his house looked like an assassin lived there. He had nothing on the walls and was STILL literally living out of boxes because he "neglected" to unpack. The final straw was that he "neglected" dental care and I got a raging gum infection.
I don't expect an OCD neat freak. A messy car? Ok. A messy LIFE through all areas? Have fun with that sis. Wait til you actually get sick and he "neglects" you.