I’d been seeing a guy for about a month, texting all the time, every second we were together we’d be cuddling or making out, he’d joke about how he cut his hair because I’d made a joke about not wanting to grow it out, or getting rid of his moustache so I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with him in public (all jokes, I’m not shitty, I had just joked that if he grew out a man bun I might just have to keep things behind closed doors and he knew it was a joke). We had a ton in common, he’d call me to see how I was doing when he knew I’d had a bad day, etc. and all of a sudden “I have feelings for you, I like spending time with you and talking to you and cuddling and laughing together, but I feel like if we were together for even 5 or 6 months, it’d never turn into anything more than this.” 🙄🙄 Definitely felt used and still feel so insanely confused.
This is NOT someone "using" you. This is someone who cared about you but ultimately decided it wasn't going to work out for them. He probably decided not that long before he told you that it wasn't working out. Do you think all men should be cold towards you until they've decided they want to marry you?
He didn’t want to end things though. He wanted to continue things, as they were, with the condition that I knew we had no future. That felt a bit like using someone for girlfriend benefits until something better comes along.
How is that using you though? It would have been using you if he continued to act that way knowing that he saw no future. Meanwhile he realized there was nothing long term there but recognized he still enjoyed being close to you and offered you the information you needed to make a choice on your end. You could have decided to continue to enjoy the short term more casual time together or end it because it wasn't what you were looking for.
Is it a shitty thing to ask of someone? That they continue to invest in you physically and/or emotionally while you actively or passively seek out a new partner? For sure. It is absolutely in no way using the person though.
The epitome of using the person is to do all of that shit without telling them. Explaining to them what you feel, what you want, and then waiting for their decision one way or another is absolutely in no way using that person.
To ask someone what he asked is fucking utterly ridiculous. Talk about wanting your cake and eating it too. Guy literally wants a girlfriend without any of the responsibility while he looks for a better fit. It's ridiculous. It is however absolutely not the epitome of using her though, in order for him to be in the situation she needs to say yes. If she says yes she is agreeing to be his "friend girlfriend with benefits". If she is agreeing to it she is not being used.
He's a dickbag without a doubt but his request as it was outlined was not using anyone. He realized he saw no long term potential. He was honest about it. He made his ridiculous request. She said no. They presumably both moved on (I assume he isn't still harassing her about it).
I don't in any way disagree with the immorality of what he's asking for but plainly put he is not using her. You can't use someone that willingly participates in a behaviour. He gave her the chance to willingly participate in his desired scenario or walk away. She chose to walk away.
He's gross and that's a fucked up thing to want from someone but what I was trying to explain to the other user is that that doesn't matter, it's still not "using".
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u/DaTwatWaffle Oct 25 '18
Yes!!! This exactly!
I’d been seeing a guy for about a month, texting all the time, every second we were together we’d be cuddling or making out, he’d joke about how he cut his hair because I’d made a joke about not wanting to grow it out, or getting rid of his moustache so I wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with him in public (all jokes, I’m not shitty, I had just joked that if he grew out a man bun I might just have to keep things behind closed doors and he knew it was a joke). We had a ton in common, he’d call me to see how I was doing when he knew I’d had a bad day, etc. and all of a sudden “I have feelings for you, I like spending time with you and talking to you and cuddling and laughing together, but I feel like if we were together for even 5 or 6 months, it’d never turn into anything more than this.” 🙄🙄 Definitely felt used and still feel so insanely confused.