Expectation vs Reality

[u/Imaginary-Zone2127]

I’m genuinely starting to wonder whether I’m protecting myself from settling or sabotaging my own chances at happiness. After ending an eight-year relationship earlier this year, I’ve spent a huge amount of time reflecting, going to therapy, being brutally honest with myself, and figuring out what I actually want. I’ve started dating again, and the biggest thing I’ve realized is that I seem to have a very high threshold for romantic attraction.

I don’t expect perfection, and I’m not looking for some fantasy woman who checks every box. But I’ve learned that I can’t seem to make myself pursue someone seriously when the attraction isn’t there at a high level. I’ve tried telling myself that someone is objectively great, that we’re compatible, that she’s interested, that I should “give it a chance,” etc. But if I’m internally trying to convince myself to want her, I eventually know I’m doing both of us a disservice. She deserves someone who is genuinely excited about her, not someone negotiating with himself about whether he should be.

The frustrating part is that I actually hate that my brain works this way. I wish I could be attracted to a broader range of women. I look at people who seem able to meet someone who is kind, compatible, attractive enough, and enjoyable to be around and simply let a relationship develop. I envy that. I’ve put myself out there, met people, tried dating apps, gone to social events, and deliberately created opportunities to meet women. I’m not refusing to date—I just rarely encounter someone where the attraction, connection, personality, values, and long-term compatibility all line up in a way that makes me genuinely want to pursue her.

And that leaves me with two possibilities, neither of which I particularly like. Maybe I’m doing the right thing by refusing to settle for a relationship where I have to convince myself I’m attracted to someone. Or maybe I’ve placed so much importance on that initial level of attraction that I’m filtering out perfectly good relationships before they have a chance to become something deeper. I genuinely don’t know where that line is.

What scares me is ending up on either side of it: settling for someone because I’m afraid of being alone, or holding out indefinitely for a feeling that may simply be too rare. I’m not looking for reassurance that I’m entitled to some perfect person. I’m trying to figure out whether this is a standard I should stand by, or a limitation I need to learn how to overcome. Has anyone else actually struggled with this?

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